Writers, help me! I need answers.

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

I’m currently enjoying ? my writer's block.

Recently, I practiced my writing and shared it with an AI for feedback. This mother...ker?, with an IQ of 1100, told me my sentences were awkward, bloated, and lacked rhythm. I took that in and asked how I could improve.
It suggested that I read my work aloud, which I understood, but for some reason, it didn’t help. I’m not sure why it didn’t work for me. Have you ever had similar problems? And if you did, how did you solve it?

Currently, I'm searching on YouTube to see if it helps.

Thank you if you help. (Don't make fun of me?.)

Here's the scene-

Spoiler

Scene Writing Practice—A Man's life 'Act 3'

Arkam sitting against the old man—

Tik-Tok-Tik, the time is almost midnight. A small table was between them.

The kitchen—small and humble. Behind the old man, three steps away and bashing right into it, was a big pot; next to it, almost 5 inches away, was a stove.

The old man clutched his jaw. "Sigh, Arkam."

His gaze was on the old man. "What?"

"Do you think that you'll get out of the war or memories of it someday?" The old man's arm was at the table as he stared at Arkam.

"I think I will—stop lying!" The man interrupted Arkam.

"You just pretend. Pretend to be like this—you think, I don't know who you really are, 'immortal killer.'" The man gazed at Arkam—cough, he coughed a few times.

Arkam’s eyes widened, his breath getting heavy. "Ho... how do you know that name?"

"Cough...Rond told me when he dropped you here." His gaze lowered, taking a deep breath.

"Arkam. You didn't change in four months, and only two remain."

Closing his eyes, he rubbed his temple.

"...Rond wanted you to 'live,' like a real person; now is the time to think—do you want to live here or go with Rond?"

Finally, Arkam opened his mouth, but he hesitated, closing his mouth, he shut his eyes. "Sigh, this is really hard. But I want to say this much, and I'm not going to pretend... here and now."

"Okay, now say what you really 'want.'"

Arkam’s eyes are on the ceiling. "I don't know what I want; this is a dilemma—if I stay here, I will just 'live' with no achievements. But if I go, I'll suffer... I really don't know."

The old man's eyes twitched. "... even now you're pretending. Say what you really want to say, damn it."

Arkam's eyebrows furrowed. "Okay… then, what is life?"

A smirk crept across the old man's face. "If you want to know what life is, then I have a mission for you."

Arkam narrowed his eyes. 'A mission? What... mission? This geezer is going to say something absurd; I know it.'

"Do you know Karta Mountain... the biggest and the most savage of mountains?"

"Yes, almost 65 km away from here; that's all I know." Arkam’s eyes widened. 'There is no fucking way this man is going to make me...'

"Climb that mountain, Arkam. To find the answer to your question." The old man clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes.

Chills ran down Arkam’s spine. He rubbed his temple, lowering his head on the table; he just waited in that position for some seconds.

Tik-tik, the sound of the clock, echoed in the small space.

Standings straight. "Even if I do something this insane, how am I supposed to find the 'answer'?"

The old man smirked. "That's on you. You are to follow this last order; after it, you may be free from the war."

Arkam clenched his jaw, breathing in.

"Sigh... do I have to climb it alone?" Arkam’s gaze was on the floor.

"Were you alone in the war?" The old man stood up and got a glass, filling it with some water.

"Yes." He nodded.

The old man extended the water to Arkam. "Then, here you're also alone."

Arkam’s gaze drifted towards the old man.

The old man smirked, putting his hand on Arkam’s shoulder—"A man's life gets harder when he sees things that he shouldn't have; now it's time to forget those things."

Arkam’s cheeks wrinkled into a soft smile. He gave a quiet nod and took the glass from the old man.

He suddenly opened his eyes, finding himself in the green fields. “Ohh, right napped a bit, well, time to go.”

Stretching his arms, he stood up. His gaze searched for the bag. Grabbing the bag, he marched towards the savage mountain, Karta.

_____

End of Act 3.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Reading this even out loud isn't going to help, you're right. Because if you read it out loud, it could sound like a movie script. Sentences are clunky and your writing isn't flowing at all. I like to tell people make your writing flow like a river, without too many bends or breaks. Start by constructing a bit longer, more detailed sentences, avoid too much "breaking" and re-present this to us again.

 

[TheTaintedOne]

I don't know if it would be any help coming from me as I am new to fiction writing too, having been in it for one year and so.
-A small recommendation would be to use these gestures, such as 'sigh', 'cough', and others, it would be better to show than tell in the dialogue. It would even add immersion to the reader instead of plain dialogue.
- Try setting up the scene in first paragraph, small would be ok but little detailed would be better. (Arkam was sitting against the old man, and blah blah) it could have been better if it were in one paragraph instead of few broken sentences. I mean, you are not creating tension while setting the scene.
- Over all it was good.

 

[laccoff_mawning]

I can't really say that I've had a similar experience myself. Regardless, I'm just going to give feedback, under the assumption that's what you want.

I'm going to start with basic grammer:

Arkam sitting against the old man—

I think this is meant to read "Arkam was sitting against the old man".

Tik-Tok-Tik, the time is almost midnight. A small table was between them.

Keep your tenses consistent, unless there's a reason you're changing tenses.

The kitchen—small and humble.

This isn't a sentence.

Behind the old man, three steps away and bashing right into it, was a big pot;

Bashing right into what? You haven't described any object for the pot to be bashing into. You might have meant "bashing right into him", in which case the pot is bashing into the old man. Otherwise, maybe you meant for the three steps to be literal staircase-type steps, rather than distance steps, but that's not clear from the scene.

"I think I will—stop lying!" The man interrupted Arkam.

If "Stop lying!" is being said by the old man, it needs to be on a new line.

I don't read my work aloud for proofreading, but I do proofread slowly. I try my best to slow down my reading so I actually focus and look at each word I've written, rather than reading it sentence by sentence.

If you're having trouble with re-reads, though, I'll also suggest you do a second re-read after some time has passed since you've finished writing it. If you re-read straight away, you might be more likely to read what you think you've written, and not what you've actually written.

In terms of writing style, you use dashes and ellipsis too much. You can use them a bit, but you don't want to rely on them too heavily as a writer.

Spoiler: Small wad of text talking about describing the scene.

You have too little description for the scene itself. When I need help thinking how to write more description, I've always liked going through the five senses.

For example: sight is obviously the big one, so what objects can we see in the kitchen? Apparently, there's a table, a pot, and a stove. Are there any other objects in the kitchen? There has to be a clock somewhere, since it's ticking away. What about colours? Is the kitchen well lit? Is it dimly lit? What's the light source? A fire in the stove? Is the fire crackling? Is there any other noise source? Is the kitchen warm, cold, or maybe damp or dusty? The latter two are of course not exclusive with the former two.

To be fair, you do have some form of sound description with "tik-tok-tik", so you've definitely got an idea of doing this.

Now, once you do have all your description down, you want to try and condense all that information as compactly as possible. You want to describe things, but you don't want to waste words to do so.

So for example:

next to it, almost 5 inches away, was a stove.

Could be written as "five inches left to it was a stove". It gives the same amount of information, but with shorter reading time due to the absence of the two pauses induced by the commas.

Also, try and use the term "was" a bit less. For example, "A table stood between them" and "Sat a big pot" sounds better then "a table was between them" and "was a big pot."

Now, re-reading isn't going to help unless you're able to say to yourself "hmm, that feels a bit long winded there, can I shorten it?" or something similar. So my question is, when you re-read the scene, what do you think of your writing style? Do you agree with the AI's take or do you think otherwise?

And, outside of any advice you recieve on this forum or in other places, are there any specific parts where you feel/felt it could do a makeover? If you do, try and be very specific about what and why.

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Now, re-reading isn't going to help unless you're able to say to yourself "hmm, that feels a bit long winded there, can I shorten it?" or something similar. So my question is, when you re-read the scene, what do you think of your writing style? Do you agree with the AI's take or do you think otherwise?

And, outside of any advice you recieve on this forum or in other places, are there any specific parts where you feel/felt it could do a makeover? If you do, try and be very specific about what and why.

Hmm, that's a good question.

First, when I write, I don't think much about it because I need to put something on paper. Then, if I re-read, I think I can give the same amount of information in fewer words with a punch, so what more could I ask?
- The reason I started writing was to become better at explaining. If you can explain well in fewer words, that's great.

And second, yes, I felt like I wanted to make over things. In the end, I started writing by reading other people's work, like Re: Zero (a light novel), LOTM (a web novel), and then some poems.
- I learned from there and developed this type of simple, less descriptive writing style, but I need a makeover. That's why I stopped posting chapters of my novel and started practicing scenes.

 

[naosu]

I’m currently enjoying ? my writer's block.

Recently, I practiced my writing and shared it with an AI for feedback. This mother...ker?, with an IQ of 1100, told me my sentences were awkward, bloated, and lacked rhythm. I took that in and asked how I could improve.
It suggested that I read my work aloud, which I understood, but for some reason, it didn’t help. I’m not sure why it didn’t work for me. Have you ever had similar problems? And if you did, how did you solve it?

Currently, I'm searching on YouTube to see if it helps.

Thank you if you help. (Don't make fun of me?.)

Here's the scene-

Spoiler

Scene Writing Practice—A Man's life 'Act 3'

Arkam sitting against the old man—

Tik-Tok-Tik, the time is almost midnight. A small table was between them.

The kitchen—small and humble. Behind the old man, three steps away and bashing right into it, was a big pot; next to it, almost 5 inches away, was a stove.

The old man clutched his jaw. "Sigh, Arkam."

His gaze was on the old man. "What?"

"Do you think that you'll get out of the war or memories of it someday?" The old man's arm was at the table as he stared at Arkam.

"I think I will—stop lying!" The man interrupted Arkam.

"You just pretend. Pretend to be like this—you think, I don't know who you really are, 'immortal killer.'" The man gazed at Arkam—cough, he coughed a few times.

Arkam’s eyes widened, his breath getting heavy. "Ho... how do you know that name?"

"Cough...Rond told me when he dropped you here." His gaze lowered, taking a deep breath.

"Arkam. You didn't change in four months, and only two remain."

Closing his eyes, he rubbed his temple.

"...Rond wanted you to 'live,' like a real person; now is the time to think—do you want to live here or go with Rond?"

Finally, Arkam opened his mouth, but he hesitated, closing his mouth, he shut his eyes. "Sigh, this is really hard. But I want to say this much, and I'm not going to pretend... here and now."

"Okay, now say what you really 'want.'"

Arkam’s eyes are on the ceiling. "I don't know what I want; this is a dilemma—if I stay here, I will just 'live' with no achievements. But if I go, I'll suffer... I really don't know."

The old man's eyes twitched. "... even now you're pretending. Say what you really want to say, damn it."

Arkam's eyebrows furrowed. "Okay… then, what is life?"

A smirk crept across the old man's face. "If you want to know what life is, then I have a mission for you."

Arkam narrowed his eyes. 'A mission? What... mission? This geezer is going to say something absurd; I know it.'

"Do you know Karta Mountain... the biggest and the most savage of mountains?"

"Yes, almost 65 km away from here; that's all I know." Arkam’s eyes widened. 'There is no fucking way this man is going to make me...'

"Climb that mountain, Arkam. To find the answer to your question." The old man clenched his jaw and narrowed his eyes.

Chills ran down Arkam’s spine. He rubbed his temple, lowering his head on the table; he just waited in that position for some seconds.

Tik-tik, the sound of the clock, echoed in the small space.

Standings straight. "Even if I do something this insane, how am I supposed to find the 'answer'?"

The old man smirked. "That's on you. You are to follow this last order; after it, you may be free from the war."

Arkam clenched his jaw, breathing in.

"Sigh... do I have to climb it alone?" Arkam’s gaze was on the floor.

"Were you alone in the war?" The old man stood up and got a glass, filling it with some water.

"Yes." He nodded.

The old man extended the water to Arkam. "Then, here you're also alone."

Arkam’s gaze drifted towards the old man.

The old man smirked, putting his hand on Arkam’s shoulder—"A man's life gets harder when he sees things that he shouldn't have; now it's time to forget those things."

Arkam’s cheeks wrinkled into a soft smile. He gave a quiet nod and took the glass from the old man.

He suddenly opened his eyes, finding himself in the green fields. “Ohh, right napped a bit, well, time to go.”

Stretching his arms, he stood up. His gaze searched for the bag. Grabbing the bag, he marched towards the savage mountain, Karta.

_____

End of Act 3.

Sorry but I have to ask, was the AI also trying to sell you a subscription to Grammarly at the same time it criticized all your work? :P

 

[A_veil_of_red_ink]

Sorry but I have to ask, was the AI also trying to sell you a subscription to Grammarly at the same time it criticized all your work? :P

Nah, even if it did, my broke ass will not buy.
My rent is due, you know. (Jk, I am still in high school.)