Everyone was staring at the new guy, an elf apparently, who was sitting on the floor, slouched under a sign that exulted the many benefits of good posture. He had his arms wrapped around his knees as he rocked back and forth, “I don’t want to be transferred. I Don’t want to be transferred.” Over… and Over.
Croaker was sitting at the table by the water cooler stabbing away at his cell phone, ignoring the pitiful intern as he looked around, “Anyone wanna go in on a cornbread pizza?”
Phil looked thoughtful as she leaned against the water cooler, “Ummm… okay. But I don’t want to be the one who picks it up and the last time we had one delivered, a Vulture descended from the sky like an offended demiurge and tore out Ithiko the Unseen’s liver as he accepted delivery. Apparently, that’s what they use for confirmation of delivery.
Croaker eyed Phil, “Phil. Yer a goddess. It’ll grow back.”
Phil sipped from her paper cup, “Still hurts.”
Croaker sighed, “Never mind then. I don’t have a long enough break to drive into town AND dodge the giant iridescent tongues.” He paused for a moment in thought, “Speaking of, That new guy who showed up… what’s his name. Do I have to bother setting up an email for him?’
Phil shook her head, looking rather sad, “Nope. He fell down an elevator shaft. Died on impact.”
Something in the vast bloated belly of Croaker squirmed and wriggled about under the massive, tent-like T-shirt that covered his corpulent form. The T-shirt had a legend on it.
I’m In Shape
Round Is A Shape
Croaker rubbed his belly for a bit, “Oof. Well, guess it’s down to Department Zero to use the vending kiosk again.” As he started to rock from side to side to gain enough momentum to get to his feet, he looked to Phil, “Been meaning to ask. How’s thing working out with the Vampire?”
Phil stopped drinking and narrowed her eyes at Croker, “Rob is NOT a vampire. He is just an albino that is allergic to garlic, open flame, sunlight, and can’t cross running water and so he only works nights.” She shook her head as she refilled her paper cone with water, “I hate that you guys keep telling all these stupid rumors about him.”
Croaker stood still and waited for his mass to stop sloshing about, “Not me. Supervisor Severed Monster Head is the one who is saying he’s a vampire. He keeps asking me to set him up with a wooden stake suspended under his dirigible.” Croaker rolled his eyes, “I keep telling him that thing moves about three miles an hour, and that’s if he catches a breeze from the AC unit. Ain’t no way he’s killing Rob with it.”
Phil frowned and looked thoughtful, “Is that why Severed Monster Head keeps ordering garlic knots for lunch?”
Croaker shrugged, “Dunno. Don’t care.” His bulk having stabilized, started walking towards the exit, “I got to get back down to the IT department. We’ve got some bugs in the system. The termite queen has been sending her drones out to collect any clocks they can find to bring back to her hive and I keep telling her, Cogsworth is just a Disney CARTOON, but they keep getting in the mainframe anyways.”
Phil nodded a bit then suddenly looked panicked, “CROAKER! WAIT!”
As Croaker walked down the hall, long tentacles reached down from the drop ceiling to grab Croaker and try to pull him up into moist places. However, Croaker just waited. A few more tentacles reached down to try to work together to haul him up. A minute later, they just gave up and let him drop half a foot to the floor. The sound was rather heavy.
Croaker turned around, “What?”
Phil’s hand was outstretched the whole time. Her face fell as she let her hand drop to her side, “Never mind.”
Croaker shrugged and slowly trundled down the corridor, pausing to tiptoe as he walked back to the strange obsidian door that pulsed with unholy power labeled, ‘Team Leader’ Next to it were several office workers of various races waiting their turn. One by one they would place their paperwork on the floor in front of the door. Black light would leak out and the paperwork would get sucked in under the door.
Usually, sometime later, paperwork would shoot back out. The worker would gather up the folder and leave quickly, thanking the gods for survival. Occasionally, the door would open and the unfortunate would walk inside and sip the winter wine no more.
Phil finished her water and then checked her phone, “Ooo. Break over!” She walked over to the intern on the floor, “C’mon! I’ll show you where your desk is! You’ll love working with Rob. Just wait until he’s had his coffee. He’s cranky, otherwise.”
The elf looked up and like a condemned man who had accepted his fate, stood up to follow Phil.
She paused, “Too many ceiling squids this time of night that way.” She raised a finger, “I know! We’ll take access shaft B!” She smiled, then frowned slightly, “Just so you know, there is no elevator in access shaft B. We have to climb down the ladder built into the wall. So… you know, don’t go stepping inside as soon as the doors open.”
She grabbed one of the many skateboards that could be found in an umbrella stand that looked like an elephant’s foot, “After all… that’s why we have an opening in the department.” She dropped to the floor, lay down on the skateboard, and pushed with her feet to roll down a corridor that was filled with the sound of cracking bone being ground to bits inside keratin beaks.
The elf sighed as he grabbed a skateboard.
