Would this make a great story? Rate it from 1-10 plz

kokiboki

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
98
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58
This chapter, Hasn’t been published on any platform such as Webnovel, Ao3, Wattpad…Or anyone other platform that I've never heard of, This was just sitting in Somnote for a year, I just edited it and changed the original names.


Chapter 1: Bug in my cake!

The vast and expansive chamber exudes opulence, with its stylish furnishings radiating an air of elegance and grandeur. Adorned in soothing cream hues, the walls cloak the space in a tranquil aura.

Nestled in the heart of the chamber, a large king-sized bed entices with its velvety white sheets and embroidered. Seated on the bed’s edge, a quiet figure sits, emanating an ambiance of hushed stillness.

Enveloped in a satin chemise nightgown, its smoothness tenderly embracing her fatigued form, her pallid countenance bears the weight of distress.

It seems as though the will to live has abandoned her, her gaze drifting upward, barely acknowledging the presence of the maidservant dressed in all black, with black cloth draped over her head pushing in the cart holding the morning tea and pastries.

There’s lots of strict rules in the Beaumanoir Manor, All maids must wear black and conceal her identity and never say a word unless required, any disobedience would result in severe consequences.

“Madame, The Duke wishes to see you after breakfast. His Grace would be very pleased if you wear the gown he has chosen for you this afternoon.” She says placing the trays onto a low table by the bedside.

“I will return to assist in your preparations later. ” With that she bows respectfully before exiting the room. Her footsteps fade away as the door closes behind her.

Her gazed lingers on the trays of food on the bedside table, She recognizes some of the treats there’s Millefeuille, Gâteau au Chocolat, Panna Cotta, Scones in variety of flavors such as raspberry, chocolate, and there’s a bowl of white strawberries everything else she can’t name but it all looks very delicious.

She hesitates, her fingers reaching out slowly towards the small and delicate millefeuille. As she lifts it, the layers of buttery pastry and luscious cream effortlessly collapse under her touch.

With unexpected surprise, Inès finds herself unable to resist and succumbs to devouring the pastry until her cheeks swell, a guilty pleasure in every bite.

But as she reaches for a yellow sponge cake, her joy immediately freezes as something unexpected interrupts her indulgence.

A cough escapes her lips as she realizes they have the audacity to serve her an actual sponge, a tool used to scrub the dirt.

Glancing at the dessert tray, her eyes widen in horror as she spots an unwelcomed guest - a lifeless cockroach camouflaged amidst the chocolate.

The bell above her bed rang, and to Inès surprise, the headmaid, Mary, entered along with a group of maidservants, all dressed in the normal black uniform except Mary who's face is fully shown.

Mary wasted no time in barking orders at the maids to clear away the trays of food.

Still reeling from the shock of discovering a cockroach in her dessert and sponge, Inès finally gathered herself and found her voice.

“Hold on,” she exclaimed, her voice trembling with a mix of anger and disgust. “I demand an explanation. How could you serve me such filth? And who would dare to put a cockroach in my food?”

Mary raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed with this outburst. “Madame, I assure you, this is an unfortunate mistake. It will be fixed immediately.”

With a sigh, Mary adjusted her glasses, knowing that finding bugs in food is not uncommon around here. Any normal person would have simply removed the bug and continued eating.

Nonetheless, Mary decided to take action.

She instructed Charlotte, a maid who had recently been brought to the manor, to fetch the gown.

Charlotte, slightly trembling, nodded, her eyes avoiding any direct contact with Inès. She quickly left the room, returning moments later with a beautifully embroidered gown, fit for a lady of Inès’s stature.
*
Inside the study of the Beaumanoir Manor, sits a thin, tall but imposing figure sitting at there as the papers scatter about his bony hand and reaches for his pen. The figure is none other than the Duke of Beaumanoir, a man known for his ruthless cold nature and insatiable thirst for power.

Cast out and forced into exile, he now finds himself forced to marry and govern over barren lands.

The people suffer, burdened by sickness, death, and the terror of monstrous creatures that roam the land. Yet, high in his estate, the Duke watches, seemingly unaffected by their plight, likely harboring no intentions of making an effort to save the peasants.

Just as the weight of his negligence weighs heavily on his shoulders, the sound of footsteps interrupts his thoughts. The door creaks open, revealing a servant with a timid personality.

“Your Grace, I apologize for the interruption. Madame requests your presence in her chambers,” the servant stammers, avoiding eye contact.

The Duke’s piercing gaze narrows, suspicion tainting his expression. “What does she want now? Tell her I am busy.”

“But, Your Grace, she insists it’s urgent,” the servant insists, shifting nervously on his feet.

Sighing heavily, the Duke sets aside the scattered papers and rises from his seat. “Very well, I shall see what she wants.”
 

Sagacious_Punk

Resident solarpunk
Joined
May 25, 2023
Messages
136
Points
83
Here's my feedback. I'm not a target audience of this type of story (from what I've gathered), so take it with a grain of salt:

- The narrative is ok; it didn't grab me stylistically, but neither did it have any noticeable drawbacks, so it's fine;
- The pacing is serviceable; I would've liked to be a bit faster, but that's because I didn't find anything interesting about the characters (see below);
- The characters (Ines and the Duke) weren't defined well enough or relatable enough, so I wasn't able to connect with them; I found the head maid, Mary, to be more interesting, because she has more narrative details attached to her;
- Worldbuilding-wise, there are some curious details (the fact that maids have to wear black, bugs being common), but I found the chapter lacking in that regard; it's not a big deal, seeing as this is only the first chapter, but it's something to bear in mind;
- Finally, I didn't (fully) get the gist of the overall story - there wasn't enough info going about; I understood it's about nobility in some backwater region that has fallen on hard times (I think); can't say whether that's a problem or not, again, because it's just a single chapter. I would've been able to offer a more concrete opinion, if there was a synopsis or a story outline to comment on.

A more succinct question you can ask prospective readers, when offering literary tidbits (as opposed to larger chunks/synopses), is "Would you read on to see what happens next?". This question's purpose is two-fold: a) it checks the general attitude of your audience toward a story, b) it helps detect problems with narrative tension and pacing/stakes.

And to answer that question in advance, no, I would've not continued reading - because I'm not the target audience (as I've said), and because the pacing/narrative wasn't exciting enough to compensate for it being not my type of story.

As to whether this will make a great story in general... I don't know. Needs more context.

Regards,
Sagacious
 

kokiboki

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 14, 2020
Messages
98
Points
58
Here's my feedback. I'm not a target audience of this type of story (from what I've gathered), so take it with a grain of salt:

- The narrative is ok; it didn't grab me stylistically, but neither did it have any noticeable drawbacks, so it's fine;
- The pacing is serviceable; I would've liked to be a bit faster, but that's because I didn't find anything interesting about the characters (see below);
- The characters (Ines and the Duke) weren't defined well enough or relatable enough, so I wasn't able to connect with them; I found the head maid, Mary, to be more interesting, because she has more narrative details attached to her;
- Worldbuilding-wise, there are some curious details (the fact that maids have to wear black, bugs being common), but I found the chapter lacking in that regard; it's not a big deal, seeing as this is only the first chapter, but it's something to bear in mind;
- Finally, I didn't (fully) get the gist of the overall story - there wasn't enough info going about; I understood it's about nobility in some backwater region that has fallen on hard times (I think); can't say whether that's a problem or not, again, because it's just a single chapter. I would've been able to offer a more concrete opinion, if there was a synopsis or a story outline to comment on.

A more succinct question you can ask prospective readers, when offering literary tidbits (as opposed to larger chunks/synopses), is "Would you read on to see what happens next?". This question's purpose is two-fold: a) it checks the general attitude of your audience toward a story, b) it helps detect problems with narrative tension and pacing/stakes.

And to answer that question in advance, no, I would've not continued reading - because I'm not the target audience (as I've said), and because the pacing/narrative wasn't exciting enough to compensate for it being not my type of story.

As to whether this will make a great story in general... I don't know. Needs more context.

Regards,
Sagacious
I like your honesty
 

Ilikewaterkusa

You have to take out their families...
Joined
May 21, 2021
Messages
2,373
Points
153
This chapter, Hasn’t been published on any platform such as Webnovel, Ao3, Wattpad…Or anyone other platform that I've never heard of, This was just sitting in Somnote for a year, I just edited it and changed the original names.


Chapter 1: Bug in my cake!

The vast and expansive chamber exudes opulence, with its stylish furnishings radiating an air of elegance and grandeur. Adorned in soothing cream hues, the walls cloak the space in a tranquil aura.

Nestled in the heart of the chamber, a large king-sized bed entices with its velvety white sheets and embroidered. Seated on the bed’s edge, a quiet figure sits, emanating an ambiance of hushed stillness.

Enveloped in a satin chemise nightgown, its smoothness tenderly embracing her fatigued form, her pallid countenance bears the weight of distress.

It seems as though the will to live has abandoned her, her gaze drifting upward, barely acknowledging the presence of the maidservant dressed in all black, with black cloth draped over her head pushing in the cart holding the morning tea and pastries.

There’s lots of strict rules in the Beaumanoir Manor, All maids must wear black and conceal her identity and never say a word unless required, any disobedience would result in severe consequences.

“Madame, The Duke wishes to see you after breakfast. His Grace would be very pleased if you wear the gown he has chosen for you this afternoon.” She says placing the trays onto a low table by the bedside.

“I will return to assist in your preparations later. ” With that she bows respectfully before exiting the room. Her footsteps fade away as the door closes behind her.

Her gazed lingers on the trays of food on the bedside table, She recognizes some of the treats there’s Millefeuille, Gâteau au Chocolat, Panna Cotta, Scones in variety of flavors such as raspberry, chocolate, and there’s a bowl of white strawberries everything else she can’t name but it all looks very delicious.

She hesitates, her fingers reaching out slowly towards the small and delicate millefeuille. As she lifts it, the layers of buttery pastry and luscious cream effortlessly collapse under her touch.

With unexpected surprise, Inès finds herself unable to resist and succumbs to devouring the pastry until her cheeks swell, a guilty pleasure in every bite.

But as she reaches for a yellow sponge cake, her joy immediately freezes as something unexpected interrupts her indulgence.

A cough escapes her lips as she realizes they have the audacity to serve her an actual sponge, a tool used to scrub the dirt.

Glancing at the dessert tray, her eyes widen in horror as she spots an unwelcomed guest - a lifeless cockroach camouflaged amidst the chocolate.

The bell above her bed rang, and to Inès surprise, the headmaid, Mary, entered along with a group of maidservants, all dressed in the normal black uniform except Mary who's face is fully shown.

Mary wasted no time in barking orders at the maids to clear away the trays of food.

Still reeling from the shock of discovering a cockroach in her dessert and sponge, Inès finally gathered herself and found her voice.

“Hold on,” she exclaimed, her voice trembling with a mix of anger and disgust. “I demand an explanation. How could you serve me such filth? And who would dare to put a cockroach in my food?”

Mary raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed with this outburst. “Madame, I assure you, this is an unfortunate mistake. It will be fixed immediately.”

With a sigh, Mary adjusted her glasses, knowing that finding bugs in food is not uncommon around here. Any normal person would have simply removed the bug and continued eating.

Nonetheless, Mary decided to take action.

She instructed Charlotte, a maid who had recently been brought to the manor, to fetch the gown.

Charlotte, slightly trembling, nodded, her eyes avoiding any direct contact with Inès. She quickly left the room, returning moments later with a beautifully embroidered gown, fit for a lady of Inès’s stature.
*
Inside the study of the Beaumanoir Manor, sits a thin, tall but imposing figure sitting at there as the papers scatter about his bony hand and reaches for his pen. The figure is none other than the Duke of Beaumanoir, a man known for his ruthless cold nature and insatiable thirst for power.

Cast out and forced into exile, he now finds himself forced to marry and govern over barren lands.

The people suffer, burdened by sickness, death, and the terror of monstrous creatures that roam the land. Yet, high in his estate, the Duke watches, seemingly unaffected by their plight, likely harboring no intentions of making an effort to save the peasants.

Just as the weight of his negligence weighs heavily on his shoulders, the sound of footsteps interrupts his thoughts. The door creaks open, revealing a servant with a timid personality.

“Your Grace, I apologize for the interruption. Madame requests your presence in her chambers,” the servant stammers, avoiding eye contact.

The Duke’s piercing gaze narrows, suspicion tainting his expression. “What does she want now? Tell her I am busy.”

“But, Your Grace, she insists it’s urgent,” the servant insists, shifting nervously on his feet.

Sighing heavily, the Duke sets aside the scattered papers and rises from his seat. “Very well, I shall see what she wants.”
This seems like a Wattpad smut stuff.
 

Kalliel

Grind, Future, A Beautiful Star
Joined
Aug 8, 2023
Messages
516
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133
This seems like one of those Otome Isekai stuff, which I'm pretty much allergic to.
Not rating/10.
 

HungrySheep

I like yuri
Joined
Jun 19, 2022
Messages
633
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133
I'm not the target audience of this, but I find that every sentence starting a new line is kind of weird.
 

TsumiHokiro

Just another chick in the universe
Joined
Nov 1, 2023
Messages
804
Points
93
The way this is written, does not make me a target of your audience. With that said and put aside, let me get direct with you:

1 - Your text was over my head until the 4th paragraph. I had no idea why you were saying such things.
2 - You are making heavy use of "tropes" before having even established a good narrative coherence of who the characters are, where the story is taking place and what the story is about. You never bother explaining to us what they are, and a reader who does not know what these narrative elements are supposed to be will be completely lost in your novel.
3 - There is only a single thing that was interesting: "black uniform"

Anything else, even if I do enjoy such "Isekai"-ish Novels, I can not call it interesting at all. At least a hundred others have come before yours.
Edit: I'd forgotten, you asked for a 1-10. 5 it is.
 
Last edited:

MintiLime

Unofficial Class President, Author
Joined
Jul 1, 2023
Messages
619
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Otome reader here!

Definitely an anti - Marie Antoinette propaganda moment.

The writing is definitely flowery (as is mine, so that doesn’t bother me). Overly verbose descriptions set the stage for wanton decadence and narcissism.

Plot wise, this seems like a character introduction. Not much happens, but that’s ok. Having a chapter title that reflects what the chapter does, rather than the bugs in cake thing, might be better, I.e. Chapter One: Meet the Duchess.

Are the Duke and Duchess main characters? They seem to be classic rich, annoying, stealing from the poor, villain trope types.

I think the readability needs to be based on the intended plot. The writing is well done and I would have no issues reading it, I just don’t know how engaging the novel will be based on this one snippet.
 

Verdante

Well-known member
Joined
Oct 13, 2023
Messages
104
Points
83
This chapter, Hasn’t been published on any platform such as Webnovel, Ao3, Wattpad…Or anyone other platform that I've never heard of, This was just sitting in Somnote for a year, I just edited it and changed the original names.


Chapter 1: Bug in my cake!

The vast and expansive chamber exudes opulence, with its stylish furnishings radiating an air of elegance and grandeur. Adorned in soothing cream hues, the walls cloak the space in a tranquil aura.

Nestled in the heart of the chamber, a large king-sized bed entices with its velvety white sheets and embroidered. Seated on the bed’s edge, a quiet figure sits, emanating an ambiance of hushed stillness.

Enveloped in a satin chemise nightgown, its smoothness tenderly embracing her fatigued form, her pallid countenance bears the weight of distress.

It seems as though the will to live has abandoned her, her gaze drifting upward, barely acknowledging the presence of the maidservant dressed in all black, with black cloth draped over her head pushing in the cart holding the morning tea and pastries.

There’s lots of strict rules in the Beaumanoir Manor, All maids must wear black and conceal her identity and never say a word unless required, any disobedience would result in severe consequences.

“Madame, The Duke wishes to see you after breakfast. His Grace would be very pleased if you wear the gown he has chosen for you this afternoon.” She says placing the trays onto a low table by the bedside.

“I will return to assist in your preparations later. ” With that she bows respectfully before exiting the room. Her footsteps fade away as the door closes behind her.

Her gazed lingers on the trays of food on the bedside table, She recognizes some of the treats there’s Millefeuille, Gâteau au Chocolat, Panna Cotta, Scones in variety of flavors such as raspberry, chocolate, and there’s a bowl of white strawberries everything else she can’t name but it all looks very delicious.

She hesitates, her fingers reaching out slowly towards the small and delicate millefeuille. As she lifts it, the layers of buttery pastry and luscious cream effortlessly collapse under her touch.

With unexpected surprise, Inès finds herself unable to resist and succumbs to devouring the pastry until her cheeks swell, a guilty pleasure in every bite.

But as she reaches for a yellow sponge cake, her joy immediately freezes as something unexpected interrupts her indulgence.

A cough escapes her lips as she realizes they have the audacity to serve her an actual sponge, a tool used to scrub the dirt.

Glancing at the dessert tray, her eyes widen in horror as she spots an unwelcomed guest - a lifeless cockroach camouflaged amidst the chocolate.

The bell above her bed rang, and to Inès surprise, the headmaid, Mary, entered along with a group of maidservants, all dressed in the normal black uniform except Mary who's face is fully shown.

Mary wasted no time in barking orders at the maids to clear away the trays of food.

Still reeling from the shock of discovering a cockroach in her dessert and sponge, Inès finally gathered herself and found her voice.

“Hold on,” she exclaimed, her voice trembling with a mix of anger and disgust. “I demand an explanation. How could you serve me such filth? And who would dare to put a cockroach in my food?”

Mary raised an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed with this outburst. “Madame, I assure you, this is an unfortunate mistake. It will be fixed immediately.”

With a sigh, Mary adjusted her glasses, knowing that finding bugs in food is not uncommon around here. Any normal person would have simply removed the bug and continued eating.

Nonetheless, Mary decided to take action.

She instructed Charlotte, a maid who had recently been brought to the manor, to fetch the gown.

Charlotte, slightly trembling, nodded, her eyes avoiding any direct contact with Inès. She quickly left the room, returning moments later with a beautifully embroidered gown, fit for a lady of Inès’s stature.
*
Inside the study of the Beaumanoir Manor, sits a thin, tall but imposing figure sitting at there as the papers scatter about his bony hand and reaches for his pen. The figure is none other than the Duke of Beaumanoir, a man known for his ruthless cold nature and insatiable thirst for power.

Cast out and forced into exile, he now finds himself forced to marry and govern over barren lands.

The people suffer, burdened by sickness, death, and the terror of monstrous creatures that roam the land. Yet, high in his estate, the Duke watches, seemingly unaffected by their plight, likely harboring no intentions of making an effort to save the peasants.

Just as the weight of his negligence weighs heavily on his shoulders, the sound of footsteps interrupts his thoughts. The door creaks open, revealing a servant with a timid personality.

“Your Grace, I apologize for the interruption. Madame requests your presence in her chambers,” the servant stammers, avoiding eye contact.

The Duke’s piercing gaze narrows, suspicion tainting his expression. “What does she want now? Tell her I am busy.”

“But, Your Grace, she insists it’s urgent,” the servant insists, shifting nervously on his feet.

Sighing heavily, the Duke sets aside the scattered papers and rises from his seat. “Very well, I shall see what she wants.”
The things I found interesting:
  • The maids all wearing black except Mary. I was curious about why she's able to show her face and not the others.
  • The cockroach in her food. Yikes. I was not expecting that. It made me scrunch my face in disgust.
  • The tension from the Duke being incredibly controlling from what the maids wore to how he expect MC to just wear the clothes he picked for her. I lowkey was rooting for her to escape lol.
Things I didn't like as much (personal taste, but if you want to keep them in your story, that's okay):
  • The opening scene didn't stick to me, but it might have just been the narration style. I noticed you use 3rd POV omniscient and I am used to 3rd POV limited.
  • When MC was looking at the food. I really wasn't sure if she wanted to eat it or not. Was she incredibly hungry and had no choice or was she bewitched by something and was forced to gulp down the food? I think it would help to be clear here.
Overall, I think I would give this a 7/10. I am intrigued by the dynamics in this house, but I think you could show more of at least the main character's thoughts or show her despair from being stuck in the mansion. I think the dialogue between the servant and the Duke was redundant (and/or contradictory) to what Mary said to the MC because she said the Duke wanted to see her, but the servant said MC wanted to see her. But if they said that to set up the two or put them in a room and perhaps plan to light them on fire (/j), then please ignore what I said about the dialogue.
 
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