Would love feedback and criticism on my enslavement fantasy narrative.

[MuseWeaver]

Muse of Maven - Prologue – Lioness | Scribble Hub

www.scribblehub.com

Muse of Maven

A muse is the extension of a maven, the embodiment of one's ambition. At least that is what the necromancers of the Feather clan would have everyone believe... Aspect, Legna, Loa, Muse; they go by many names and have many uses. The Lion clan prefers a more honest classification... Slave....

www.scribblehub.com

New here and would love feedback for my narrative, it's a fantasy world focusing on the war between a faction of witch engineers and a faction of necromancers. A major focus is on slavery, mages, and familiars. Along with the logistics of maintaining the overall conflict. Thank you for your time and help.

 

[melchi]

#1 thing: Enslavement is a big red flag to any reader. I expect a poor reception just because that seems like a main theme.

#2 I only read the synopses but it gave me a bad impression. It seemed like an info dump.

Answer the question: "Why should a reader check out this novel?"
2.a (The paragraphs that it had were full of comma spliced run-on sentences, that, are, in fact, quite hard to read, if you know what I mean, or something, maybe.)

 

[LunaSoltaer]

So read the first chapter, or rather what seems to be your prologue.

First off, spellcheck, revisions, grammar checks. Oh boy, do you need them. Especially with your loanwords that seem to be misspelled (is it nuhual or nahual?) Speaking of,

It's a very daunting move to bring in words not common to the English language for novels written in English. It alerts and scares off potential readers. Ive seen it done, and I've seen it done well, but right now I'd argue you're struggling.

I think youd honestly be better served by splitting your Moreen chapter into 2, right around the "before necromancers arrive" and "oops here they are to kill everything". The first part is going to be incredibly hard to make compelling because at this point the reader has no idea who any of the characters are, what the world is like or why they should care.

If you're going to go with the exposition, a lot of work needs to be put in setting the scene, establishing relationships, etc. You seem like you're doing this a bit already, but then your new vocabulary comes in and kicks the readers out a bit.

If you're going to introduce new words, keep it in dialogue with context clues in the dialogue, until we see an example of the thing in motion. Then, when we see what the word is referring to, describe it really well, or even define it, and do something cool with it, that way the word gets buried in the readers mind as hey new term. I think i thought of nahual as like a servant, then a soldier, then some sort of other profession before finally settling on "oh hey magic familiar thing that mindlinks with the caster" (also i think nahual and nuhual are the same, if they are not PLEASE MAKE THAT CRYSTAL CLEAR. The same thing happens with hallow/hollow blade.)

The second part? It has the advantage of immediately setting stakes, like Necromancers are HERE ruining your shit NOW. It's also regarded as a fairly cheap tactic, and it works a hell of a lot better in movies than in books. I know this because my book, Solstice, basically does the exact same thing (spellcaster comes in, kills the village including MCs parents, and leaves). It does answer a few questions like Who Is The MC Supposed To Fight At The End and Why Does MC care but I think I would have done better without it and just stuck to my Chapter 1.

Or maybe I could make it work better now who knows.

If you're gonna go Prologue though, damn near everything that happens in the Prologue needs callbacks later on. You can do a Prologue, even a cool one, and, well, Prologues tend to work on the physical book market, but we're publishing webnovels, so pacing is going to be different, especially with a web serial.

Ultimately, write the story YOU wish to read. But as melchi pointed out, you're treading dangerous ground. I suspect you'll find a niche, especially as you take time to improve your craft. Also some readers will wait for you to have more chapters out. And I know this happens because it just happened to be today with one reader after I got to 30 chapters. This is probably because so many people drop their novels after not getting immediate feedback.

SH is shy, picky and sometimes very opinionated.

Be careful, and good luck. If you build your story really well you may well turn a few heads.

But you need a lot more proofreading :)

(btw i like the idea of magic familiars with wills of their own being catalysts for magic. that IS really cool.)

PS: I have the sneaking suspicion that as ylu write you will gradually produce better and better chapters. You're around that level where you have an idea of what you want to do, but you still have refining to do on your craft. I'm the same way so take it in stride.)

 

[MuseWeaver]

#1 thing: Enslavement is a big red flag to any reader. I expect a poor reception just because that seems like a main theme.

And here I believed stirring away from erotic content was going to be my most controversial choice. :p

But yeah, I figured enslavement would be a rough selling point. Just considered that wouldn't be such a problem on this website.

#2 I only read the synopses but it gave me a bad impression. It seemed like an info dump.

Answer the question: "Why should a reader check out this novel?"

Thank you for taking the time to read and make a response.

Yeah, I'm aware the previews pretty meh, fixing it is on the list of things to work on. Right now my key priority is pushing the concept of the muse and what they are about. Considering this began because I wanted to see more narratives about mages and their familiars lol.

So read the first chapter, or rather what seems to be your prologue.

First off, spellcheck, revisions, grammar checks. Oh boy, do you need them. Especially with your loanwords that seem to be misspelled (is it nuhual or nahual?) Speaking of,

Oh, this was embarrassing, I can't believe I missed that one! Yeah, nahual is how it's meant to be I thought I edited all of them out.

It's a very daunting move to bring in words not common to the English language for novels written in English. It alerts and scares off potential readers. Ive seen it done, and I've seen it done well, but right now I'd argue you're struggling.

I'm aware of that rule, part of asking for criticism was seeing how smooth it was to read. On the top of my head I'm guessing Lioness, pixcee, gentle, and jinn :?

I think youd honestly be better served by splitting your Moreen chapter into 2, right around the "before necromancers arrive" and "oops here they are to kill everything". The first part is going to be incredibly hard to make compelling because at this point the reader has no idea who any of the characters are, what the world is like or why they should care.

Is that possible on SH? Placing a chapter between two others? I'm a bit new here and took way longer than I would want to admit to find author comment. lol

If you're going to go with the exposition, a lot of work needs to be put in setting the scene, establishing relationships, etc. You seem like you're doing this a bit already, but then your new vocabulary comes in and kicks the readers out a bit.

Good to know, I'll look into making them more easily digestible for the reader.

If you're going to introduce new words, keep it in dialogue with context clues in the dialogue, until we see an example of the thing in motion. Then, when we see what the word is referring to, describe it really well, or even define it, and do something cool with it, that way the word gets buried in the readers mind as hey new term. I think i thought of nahual as like a servant, then a soldier, then some sort of other profession before finally settling on "oh hey magic familiar thing that mindlinks with the caster" (also i think nahual and nuhual are the same, if they are not PLEASE MAKE THAT CRYSTAL CLEAR. The same thing happens with hallow/hollow blade.)

That's really useful to know, I'll have to reread and see how I can make it pop that they are 'magic familiars that mindlinks with caster' on first reading. But I am glad that the conversation made it feel like they are a person since the whole point of this group is treating their familiars like people.

Also, yeah it was just meant to be hallow blade, that was just me being a moron :p

The second part? It has the advantage of immediately setting stakes, like Necromancers are HERE ruining your shit NOW. It's also regarded as a fairly cheap tactic, and it works a hell of a lot better in movies than in books. I know this because my book, Solstice, basically does the exact same thing (spellcaster comes in, kills the village including MCs parents, and leaves). It does answer a few questions like Who Is The MC Supposed To Fight At The End and Why Does MC care but I think I would have done better without it and just stuck to my Chapter 1.

Or maybe I could make it work better now who knows.

A narrative about a mage you say, within a magical academy? I'll have to give it a read when I get the chance. :P

If you're gonna go Prologue though, damn near everything that happens in the Prologue needs callbacks later on. You can do a Prologue, even a cool one, and, well, Prologues tend to work on the physical book market, but we're publishing webnovels, so pacing is going to be different, especially with a web serial.

Good to know, I have a lot that ripples from this, hopefully it makes the cut, a lot of this is practice for making a physical book. I find having to release a chapter every week helps with organizing the chapters instead of having a constant shifting timeline of events lol.

Ultimately, write the story YOU wish to read. But as melchi pointed out, you're treading dangerous ground. I suspect you'll find a niche, especially as you take time to improve your craft. Also some readers will wait for you to have more chapters out. And I know this happens because it just happened to be today with one reader after I got to 30 chapters. This is probably because so many people drop their novels after not getting immediate feedback.

SH is shy, picky and sometimes very opinionated.

Be careful, and good luck. If you build your story really well you may well turn a few heads.

A bit confused about that, I mean I know why writing about slavery would be a red flag. But figured that would be a bit more lax on SH. I was hoping more readers would come after a critical mass was reached considering my own reading patterns. (I wait for a backlog because I personally can't stand a abrupt to be continue :P) Also congrats on getting more readers!

But you need a lot more proofreading :)

Fair point :P

(btw i like the idea of magic familiars with wills of their own being catalysts for magic. that IS really cool.)

Really glad to hear! I would love to hear your thoughts on the later chapters, this has been very helpful thank you very much!

PS: I have the sneaking suspicion that as ylu write you will gradually produce better and better chapters. You're around that level where you have an idea of what you want to do, but you still have refining to do on your craft. I'm the same way so take it in stride.)

PS: Again, thank you for taking time to read and write out advice, it's really helpful and something I've been needing more of.

 

[LunaSoltaer]

Oh, this was embarrassing, I can't believe I missed that one! Yeah, nahual is how it's meant to be I thought I edited all of them out.

Spelling is a spill to deal with >:3 Grammar too, but spelling's a lot more obvious.

I think my workflow is about 2 revisions on my own with a Free Grammarly pass in between (I've learned a lot of the yellow underlines in Free Grammarly make things more corporatey and not helpful for fiction, but the red/blue underlines are worth considering.) Oh and I speak to myself a lot because I want to make sure my words flow.

That I learned all of this only after starting my work is... fun.

I'm aware of that rule, part of asking for criticism was seeing how smooth it was to read. On the top of my head I'm guessing Lioness, pixcee, gentle, and jinn :?

So these four were fine, at least I thought, but it did raise an eyebrow, well, the middle two did. Lionness and Jinn didn't at all. Lioness is most likely a title, which makes sense historically, pixcee I think was pixie (maybe an alternate or old/proper spelling?), gentle was a weird one. I figured you were playing with the concept of either a gentleman or a Gentile. Jinn is an alternate spelling of Djinn, which people commonly call Genie, so unless any of those are wrong, you're fine there, but some might balk at those spellings. (Like, I first thought pixcee was a typo, then you used it too consistently for it to be.)

It was more along the lines of "What is an Enjinseer?" And, again, nahual. It did not help that I had to figure out nuhual as well :3 but again I like this idea.

Is that possible on SH? Placing a chapter between two others? I'm a bit new here and took way longer than I would want to admit to find author comment. lol

In short, you can make a new chapter and slap it between two existing ones. You can also rearrange chapters; it's kinda cool :)
What I was referring more to was the idea of the first half of Moreen being a chapter, then the last half being another chapter, which is also possible but trickier.

Good to know, I'll look into making them more easily digestible for the reader.

That's really useful to know, I'll have to reread and see how I can make it pop that they are 'magic familiars that mindlinks with caster' on first reading. But I am glad that the conversation made it feel like they are a person since the whole point of this group is treating their familiars like people.

Also, yeah it was just meant to be hallow blade, that was just me being a moron :p

I'm glad I was able to help with a "Here's what I was thinking in the moment." and yeah, Illusion of Transparency's a royal bitch. It's dead-easy imagining your world, because well you know it all. Not knowing things is an experience one can never truly emulate, which I find infuriating, and so does every other person who whines about the concept of spoilers.

And if you leave comments on other writers' works, feel free to give them insights as to what you were thinking when you read the chapters. I found they adore that, and I've made at least a solid penpal/friend doing this. It also encourages them to keep writing ^_^

A narrative about a mage you say, within a magical academy? I'll have to give it a read when I get the chance. :P

(Luna Soltær has temporarily halted execution because she did not anticipate that anyone from the forum would actually cross over into mainsite and look at her haphazard book.)

Good to know, I have a lot that ripples from this, hopefully it makes the cut, a lot of this is practice for making a physical book. I find having to release a chapter every week helps with organizing the chapters instead of having a constant shifting timeline of events lol.

(Luna Soltær has resumed execution and is heavily motivated to make a thoughtful response to this unpredictable event.)

A good amount of developing writing is, well, writing! Powering through the muse-death and writing anyway is how you make a career out of it, that and polishing the hell out of things. And from this response it sounds like you have a way

A bit confused about that, I mean I know why writing about slavery would be a red flag. But figured that would be a bit more lax on SH. I was hoping more readers would come after a critical mass was reached considering my own reading patterns. (I wait for a backlog because I personally can't stand a abrupt to be continue :P) Also congrats on getting more readers!

Some of this could be my own paranoia. I... have a low trust of a lot of people on the Internet. Sometimes including myself. And my first several exposures to a lot of the sorts of things I'd want to write about were... let's just say there was a reason 2021!Luna was super paranoid to the point of actively anticipating hate-flaming.

I'm better now, thankfully.

Really glad to hear! I would love to hear your thoughts on the later chapters, this has been very helpful thank you very much!

PS: Again, thank you for taking time to read and write out advice, it's really helpful and something I've been needing more of.

I have been flipping swamped which is the main reason why I haven't read a lot onward yet. I do intend to :) That and I noticed this big comprehensive reply to a lot of things i said, and I felt that I needed to give you a well and true thought out response, sitting at a computer and everything.

I'm glad my ramblings have been somewhat helpful :) And definitely feel free to shop around. I'm just one girl, and a deranged one at that a lot of the time. In seriousness, though, having a smattering of opinions enriches your awareness. There's a reason one piece of advice for writing in a genre is to read outside of that genre.

 

[MuseWeaver]

Spelling is a spill to deal with >:3 Grammar too, but spelling's a lot more obvious.

I think my workflow is about 2 revisions on my own with a Free Grammarly pass in between (I've learned a lot of the yellow underlines in Free Grammarly make things more corporatey and not helpful for fiction, but the red/blue underlines are worth considering.) Oh and I speak to myself a lot because I want to make sure my words flow.

That I learned all of this only after starting my work is... fun.

Recently I began using Grammarly after my grammar problem was pointed out, thank god for that app or else I'd probably have pulled my hair out :P

So these four were fine, at least I thought, but it did raise an eyebrow, well, the middle two did. Lionness and Jinn didn't at all. Lioness is most likely a title, which makes sense historically, pixcee I think was pixie (maybe an alternate or old/proper spelling?), gentle was a weird one. I figured you were playing with the concept of either a gentleman or a Gentile. Jinn is an alternate spelling of Djinn, which people commonly call Genie, so unless any of those are wrong, you're fine there, but some might balk at those spellings. (Like, I first thought pixcee was a typo, then you used it too consistently for it to be.)

It was more along the lines of "What is an Enjinseer?" And, again, nahual. It did not help that I had to figure out nuhual as well :3 but again I like this idea.

Honestly this was also really helpful, Lioness and Gentle are both meant to be titles, there is this whole system of addressing most people within the Lion clan learn to engage in. I had an idea of letting it be demonstrated with context clues. But it has become abundantly clear there is not enough context to get any information from. :P I'll edit a paragraph to make that concept more easier to understand.

Pixcee was chosen because I wanted to convey the concept of a pixie without having the idea jump what the reader would assume with a pixie. Also I just want to us an alternative spelling for it.

In short, you can make a new chapter and slap it between two existing ones. You can also rearrange chapters; it's kinda cool :)
What I was referring more to was the idea of the first half of Moreen being a chapter, then the last half being another chapter, which is also possible but trickier.

Yeah, I'll have to look into that function, thanks for the heads up :P

I'm glad I was able to help with a "Here's what I was thinking in the moment." and yeah, Illusion of Transparency's a royal bitch. It's dead-easy imagining your world, because well you know it all. Not knowing things is an experience one can never truly emulate, which I find infuriating, and so does every other person who whines about the concept of spoilers.

And if you leave comments on other writers' works, feel free to give them insights as to what you were thinking when you read the chapters. I found they adore that, and I've made at least a solid penpal/friend doing this. It also encourages them to keep writing ^_^

I'll try and keep that in mind, I usually have trouble dishing out my thoughts on others work because I feel it might be a bit... presumptuous. Considering my current level of aptitude :P

(Luna Soltær has resumed execution and is heavily motivated to make a thoughtful response to this unpredictable event.)

A good amount of developing writing is, well, writing! Powering through the muse-death and writing anyway is how you make a career out of it, that and polishing the hell out of things. And from this response it sounds like you have a way

Wondering if that was intentional :P

I have been flipping swamped which is the main reason why I haven't read a lot onward yet. I do intend to :) That and I noticed this big comprehensive reply to a lot of things i said, and I felt that I needed to give you a well and true thought out response, sitting at a computer and everything.

I'm glad my ramblings have been somewhat helpful :) And definitely feel free to shop around. I'm just one girl, and a deranged one at that a lot of the time. In seriousness, though, having a smattering of opinions enriches your awareness. There's a reason one piece of advice for writing in a genre is to read outside of that genre.

Your ramblings have been very helpful, thank you for your time and advice :P

 

[M.G.Driver]

I've learnt a lot over the past few months of writing my own novel and made many of the same mistakes you did.

I've read your blurb + first chapter 'Moreen', so here are the elements I spotted.

1. How many character names did you introduce in the chapter 'Moreen'? By my quick counting, not even including the unique terms used like company names, titles, name for monsters, I think you introduced an entire thirteen characters (please correct me if I'm wrong)

The characters are: Moreen, Chuck, Kim, Lilac, Leshin(i consider non-humans too), Emil, Joren Luxlight, Leo, Mikki, Yulia, Konrad, Fuu, Nylah.

I'm not going to even list out the names of towns, places, terms etc.

You could fill out an entire power ranger's cast more than two times over + villains in the first chapter alone.

Honest advice from the mistakes I've made myself? Stick to maximum three characters for every chapter, and limit the namedropping as much as possible.


2. You probably feel that 'hey I wrote all this worldbuilding stuff down, the readers need to know it'.

I did the same mistake with my own novel very early on, and I regret it heavily. Infodumps, worldbuilding, consistent namedropping in the first chapter are a surefire way to turn most readers brains off immediately.

I know you weaved them into the dialogue, but the amount of new terms is really overkill. Suggest you go over the first chapter and re-polish the hook - its the most important.

3. Pacing

Personally I dislike how fast the attack happened, though reality usually works that way out of the blue. However, it is a story after all, and a bit of foreshadowing is necessary. With the copious amount of dialogues beforehand masking it, the reader doesn't feel any tension at all until Fuu dies, which becomes a sudden spike in tension with little to no warning. I don't think that's a good way to insert tension into your novel, but that's just a personal preference from me.

Again, all of these three errors are mistakes I personally made in my own novel, so I hope you don't make the same ones if possible. Suggest to read araki's 'manga in theory and practice' for emphasis on title, first chapter and first impressions etc.

 

[NotaNuffian]

As a casual reader and stupid shitposter, here is my take.

Also, I can see strange, unconventional names for the characters at C1. That is nice for those who are energetic and eager; I am not.

 

[MuseWeaver]

I've learnt a lot over the past few months of writing my own novel and made many of the same mistakes you did.

I've read your blurb + first chapter 'Moreen', so here are the elements I spotted.

1. How many character names did you introduce in the chapter 'Moreen'? By my quick counting, not even including the unique terms used like company names, titles, name for monsters, I think you introduced an entire thirteen characters (please correct me if I'm wrong)

The characters are: Moreen, Chuck, Kim, Lilac, Leshin(i consider non-humans too), Emil, Joren Luxlight, Leo, Mikki, Yulia, Konrad, Fuu, Nylah.

I'm not going to even list out the names of towns, places, terms etc.

You could fill out an entire power ranger's cast more than two times over + villains in the first chapter alone.

Appreciate the advice, the mindset I had for the name dropping was demonstrating Moreen knowing the name of her men. When I have time, I'm going to read through the prologue a couple of and see how I can fix it :P

But yeah, too many names requires too much energy from the reader that's a thing I can keep in mind.

Honest advice from the mistakes I've made myself? Stick to maximum three characters for every chapter, and limit the namedropping as much as possible.

Never heard that advice, I'll keep that in mind when writing, my usual method when it comes to names (Obviously not on this chapter lol), is to name characters who are or will have an importance.

2. You probably feel that 'hey I wrote all this worldbuilding stuff down, the readers need to know it'.

I'm assuming you're referencing scenes like the Princess Charity conversation. I wrote that conversation more to just have Moreen and Chuck have a conversation and hopefully demonstrate both of their characters. Might have go back and rework everything apparently. lol

Oh, the Luxlight scene also comes to mind, which I agree with you much more. Might remove the story and focus more on how Emil says instead of what he says.

I did the same mistake with my own novel very early on, and I regret it heavily. Infodumps, worldbuilding, consistent namedropping in the first chapter are a surefire way to turn most readers brains off immediately.

I know you weaved them into the dialogue, but the amount of new terms is really overkill. Suggest you go over the first chapter and re-polish the hook - its the most important.

I'll look over and try and make the prologue more concise, I feel this is my weakest chapter overall and really am working to get it much better :P

3. Pacing

Personally I dislike how fast the attack happened, though reality usually works that way out of the blue. However, it is a story after all, and a bit of foreshadowing is necessary. With the copious amount of dialogues beforehand masking it, the reader doesn't feel any tension at all until Fuu dies, which becomes a sudden spike in tension with little to no warning. I don't think that's a good way to insert tension into your novel, but that's just a personal preference from me.

What would you suggest for foreshadowing the upcoming conflict? Maybe reports of corpse missing or stumbling upon something weird? Maybe revealing the necromancers demonstrate their powers a bit more? Or describing how they look as they approach?

Again, all of these three errors are mistakes I personally made in my own novel, so I hope you don't make the same ones if possible. Suggest to read araki's 'manga in theory and practice' for emphasis on title, first chapter and first impressions etc.

Love Jojo's Bizarre Adventure! :P Which was your favorite part :? Part four is my favorite :P

I'll look into that book when I get a chance, thank you for your time and your advice, it's really helpful :P

 

[M.G.Driver]

Never heard that advice, I'll keep that in mind when writing, my usual method when it comes to names (Obviously not on this chapter lol), is to name characters who are or will have an importance.

In a web serialized novel, no one is going to care about thirteen names in the first chapter because they are not immediately important to them, even if they are important down the line to you.

Your first chapter is really the make or break in such a format - it's basically game over if you get it wrong. I already had one fiction that was game over from the beginning because of my prologue. Didn't matter how many chapters or how much worldbuilding I put in.

Right now, your first chapter has no apparent hook to me due to the amount of new terms. It doesn't make me want to turn the page - because I got namebombed with all the new terms without having any potential emotional attachement to them.

I'm assuming you're referencing scenes like the Princess Charity conversation. I wrote that conversation more to just have Moreen and Chuck have a conversation and hopefully demonstrate both of their characters. Might have go back and rework everything apparently. lol

Oh, the Luxlight scene also comes to mind, which I agree with you much more. Might remove the story and focus more on how Emil says instead of what he says.

I don't mean that part. That's not even the problem.

Look at the following lines.

Leaping from the tree she joined Chuck in his stroll, "Still think we made a mistake not bringing the Jinn?" He finally said.


"You mean I made a mistake."


"Of course not Lioness. I mean I know you had your reasons, but you got to admit, it would be much easier to convince them we had the power to keep them safe."


"You need to remember your audience lottman, a properly armed genie might bring comfort to anyone from Cazmagar to Liamoss, but here they could easily be read as trading one tyrant for another."


"I guess." He sighed, shaking his head.


"Besides we have Lilac, unless you want me to let him know you have a complaint with his handiwork."


"Hard pass." He said waving his hand dismissively.


Moreen waved to one of the native heartless as they made their way into the belly of the town, she was busy hanging laundry. Moreen found herself much more at ease walking throughout the town, it was quite pleasant, not at all what she expected considering how far past the greylands they were.

So, seven new worldbuilding terms in the opening sequence. To you, these terms have meaning. To me, it has none.

Like what the poster previously said, energetic readers may be interested and try their hardest to understand the terms. If your objective is to gate the readers and audience coming to read your novel, that's okay too. So take this point as you will.

What would you suggest for foreshadowing the upcoming conflict? Maybe reports of corpse missing or stumbling upon something weird? Maybe revealing the necromancers demonstrate their powers a bit more? Or describing how they look as they approach?

I can't plan the story for you, sorry. Maybe look at some of the stories that inspired you and break them down into the elements. Really really suggest reading 'Manga in Theory and Practice' before moving any further.

 

[MuseWeaver]

In a web serialized novel, no one is going to care about thirteen names in the first chapter because they are not immediately important to them, even if they are important down the line to you.

Your first chapter is really the make or break in such a format - it's basically game over if you get it wrong. I already had one fiction that was game over from the beginning because of my prologue. Didn't matter how many chapters or how much worldbuilding I put in.

Right now, your first chapter has no apparent hook to me due to the amount of new terms. It doesn't make me want to turn the page - because I got namebombed with all the new terms without having any potential emotional attachement to them.


I don't mean that part. That's not even the problem.

Look at the following lines.



So, seven new worldbuilding terms in the opening sequence. To you, these terms have meaning. To me, it has none.

Like what the poster previously said, energetic readers may be interested and try their hardest to understand the terms. If your objective is to gate the readers and audience coming to read your novel, that's okay too. So take this point as you will.


I can't plan the story for you, sorry. Maybe look at some of the stories that inspired you and break them down into the elements. Really really suggest reading 'Manga in Theory and Practice' before moving any further.

Appreciate the example, it was really helpful in illustrating your point, thank you for your time and advice.