Would anyone be interested in reviewing my story?

[AriaJane]

Hi hi!

I'm still new here, and I'm writing my first webnovel. I'd really appreciate any feedback I can get so that I can improve my craft. My story is primarily a fantasy romance that follows my heroine, Lily, and my hero, Frederick, from being children until they reach adulthood. I already have some ideas on what I need to do to improve for myself, but I know I'm blind to other issues that another pair of eyes might pick up. So if you are interested in m story, please take a look and give me any feedback that comes to mind :D


https://www.scribblehub.com/series/333428/stepping-stones/

 

[RepresentingWrath]

Hi hi!

I'm still new here, and I'm writing my first webnovel. I'd really appreciate any feedback I can get so that I can improve my craft. My story is primarily a fantasy romance that follows my heroine, Lily, and my hero, Frederick, from being children until they reach adulthood. I already have some ideas on what I need to do to improve for myself, but I know I'm blind to other issues that another pair of eyes might pick up. So if you are interested in m story, please take a look and give me any feedback that comes to mind :D


https://www.scribblehub.com/series/333428/stepping-stones/

Try this thread. https://forum.scribblehub.com/threads/free-first-chapter-feedback.4018/

 

[The_Everdistant_Utopia]

Hi hi!

I'm still new here, and I'm writing my first webnovel. I'd really appreciate any feedback I can get so that I can improve my craft. My story is primarily a fantasy romance that follows my heroine, Lily, and my hero, Frederick, from being children until they reach adulthood. I already have some ideas on what I need to do to improve for myself, but I know I'm blind to other issues that another pair of eyes might pick up. So if you are interested in m story, please take a look and give me any feedback that comes to mind :D


https://www.scribblehub.com/series/333428/stepping-stones/

Can't say if I can review, but added to reading list. Do follow Sailus suggestion.

 

[Snusmumriken]

You write decently well and the imagery is there, especially for a first story. The few mistakes (ie When his parents decide to give) look like accidents rather than made from the lack of knowledge.

The biggest challenge of your first chapter for me was the reactivity and passiveness of the main character, especially toward the incoming plot. She isn't acting herself to push her into the plot - she is only reacting to the news offered to her and reacting rather passively. Which doesn't make her a proper protagonist of the incoming plot, at least not in the first chapter.

The reason for that is reader engagement. - if the MC is passive the reader doesn't really know what could possibly happen next chapter - since anything could. All that characterization you have spent in the beginning is left unused since the reader can't use it to guess what could happen in chapter two.

Granted this setup might work, but not for a character-centric story, but a story without a defined protagonist.

Even having them meet and him being a brat and her going "okay that's it buster. You had your chance? - you wasted it. prepare for trouble." would be a much better ending as it at least implies the future direction of her actions that she would take herself based on the characterization you have provided earlier.

Edit: Alos - what is up with the yellow background in "Every time she apologised that it wasn’t very tasty," ?

 

[AriaJane]

You write decently well and the imagery is there, especially for a first story. The few mistakes (ie When his parents decide to give) look like accidents rather than made from the lack of knowledge.

The biggest challenge of your first chapter for me was the reactivity and passiveness of the main character, especially toward the incoming plot. She isn't acting herself to push her into the plot - she is only reacting to the news offered to her and reacting rather passively. Which doesn't make her a proper protagonist of the incoming plot, at least not in the first chapter.

The reason for that is reader engagement. - if the MC is passive the reader doesn't really know what could possibly happen next chapter - since anything could. All that characterization you have spent in the beginning is left unused since the reader can't use it to guess what could happen in chapter two.

Granted this setup might work, but not for a character-centric story, but a story without a defined protagonist.

Even having them meet and him being a brat and her going "okay that's it buster. You had your chance? - you wasted it. prepare for trouble." would be a much better ending as it at least implies the future direction of her actions that she would take herself based on the characterization you have provided earlier.

Edit: Alos - what is up with the yellow background in "Every time she apologised that it wasn’t very tasty," ?

Thanks so much!

I can see your point, although it is a little bit intentional for the MC to be a bit passive and mostly respond to situations because she's a child, and that's kind of just what it is like as a kid. The decisions of people around you affect what happens way more than what you want to do, and they tend not to think about how their actions will affect the future, but it doesn't matter what the intended effect is if it doesn't land so I will take on board what you have said here when I go back to edit again soon!

I definitely feel like Lily is an inconsistent character at the moment. Thanks again for the insight!

As for the yellow background - I have absolutely no idea what what is or why it's there haha

 

[Snusmumriken]

That's why I said - it can work but not in the way it is right now - take Harry Potter for example - harry is essentially nonexistent as a character in the first chapter. With Dursleys (setting) and Dumbledore (Plot) being the main protagonists of the chapter instead. Through the actions of the first, the background is established, while through the actions of the latter the reader gets the idea of where the story will lead toward