What is it that im missing?

[GodsChosenEmperor]

This is my second shot at writing something, and I'd like to think I've improved my writing style. What I'm trying to do is refine it to the best I can and get my own sort of thing. I think ive found that. So I do realize the story has very little worldbuilding or a serious hook that would bait readers to be really interested, but that wasnt my primary focus. So If you guys wouldn't mind telling me on where to improve, I'd appreciate it.

The turning point

Amelan Draug'nr. A young man who never knew his parents, was raised in the slums of the unified empire and made to be a man walking a path drowned in blood. He is under the service of one Burtril Hunra’ec. A excitable, forever smiling old man with ambitions to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Anonjohn20]

This is my second shot at writing something, and I'd like to think I've improved my writing style. What I'm trying to do is refine it to the best I can and get my own sort of thing. I think ive found that. So I do realize the story has very little worldbuilding or a serious hook that would bait readers to be really interested, but that wasnt my primary focus. So If you guys wouldn't mind telling me on where to improve, I'd appreciate it.

The turning point

Amelan Draug'nr. A young man who never knew his parents, was raised in the slums of the unified empire and made to be a man walking a path drowned in blood. He is under the service of one Burtril Hunra’ec. A excitable, forever smiling old man with ambitions to...

www.scribblehub.com

Needs smut. lol just kidding.

 

[Nolff]

This is my second shot at writing something, and I'd like to think I've improved my writing style. What I'm trying to do is refine it to the best I can and get my own sort of thing. I think ive found that. So I do realize the story has very little worldbuilding or a serious hook that would bait readers to be really interested, but that wasnt my primary focus. So If you guys wouldn't mind telling me on where to improve, I'd appreciate it.

The turning point

Amelan Draug'nr. A young man who never knew his parents, was raised in the slums of the unified empire and made to be a man walking a path drowned in blood. He is under the service of one Burtril Hunra’ec. A excitable, forever smiling old man with ambitions to...

www.scribblehub.com

What you're missing? Try grammar check your works, and then I'll continue reading.

 

[Empress_Omnii]

I don't like the style, but even worse is your formatting and grammatical errors.

First of all. Your title isn't even grammatically correct. No one is going to find that appealing, every major word needs to be capitalized (so all of them).

I am not going to critique any of your writing or story, it isn't something I find appealing. But you have spaces everywhere they shouldn't be. Why do you have "“ Men like the Vice master of finance, of course! Who else but him. That man seems to have many ideas on how the nation should run, and so much power to implement them. Unlike the man above him who should. What a waste of a master.” "
Capitalization is all messed up why is vice capitalized? Your starting quotation mark is facing backwards, and is followed by a space? (Note vice-master should be spelled with a hyphen)

You also have double spaces everywhere? Just ctrl-f and remove all of them.

This is just a couple of the problems, but try going through with a spell check... I'll let the people who actually do reviews talk about your writing style, but overall? It wasn't enjoyable to read.


I get you are asking for tips for your style- but you need to have the basics of writing down. Literally every other paragraph has errors when it comes to your formatting or grammar, as such I want to recommend you read a novel and pay attention to how it is formatted. Getting these basics down should be able to help you in the long run.

 

[GodsChosenEmperor]

I don't like the style, but even worse is your formatting and grammatical errors.

First of all. Your title isn't even grammatically correct. No one is going to find that appealing, every major word needs to be capitalized (so all of them).

I am not going to critique any of your writing or story, it isn't something I find appealing. But you have spaces everywhere they shouldn't be. Why do you have "“ Men like the Vice master of finance, of course! Who else but him. That man seems to have many ideas on how the nation should run, and so much power to implement them. Unlike the man above him who should. What a waste of a master.” "
Capitalization is all messed up why is vice capitalized? Your starting quotation mark is facing backwards, and is followed by a space? (Note vice-master should be spelled with a hyphen)

You also have double spaces everywhere? Just ctrl-f and remove all of them.

This is just a couple of the problems, but try going through with a spell check... I'll let the people who actually do reviews talk about your writing style, but overall? It wasn't enjoyable to read.


I get you are asking for tips for your style- but you need to have the basics of writing down. Literally every other paragraph has errors when it comes to your formatting or grammar, as such I want to recommend you read a novel and pay attention to how it is formatted. Getting these basics down should be able to help you in the long run.

Thanks, I didn't even think of that. Dumb, I know. But I appreciate it.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Well, only going by the synopsis, you have a lot of clunky phrasing which suggests the novel will consist of far more of the same. I suggest something closer to:

Amelan Draug'nr was raised in the slums of The Unified Empire and never knew his parents. Under the service of one Burtril Hunra’ec, he grew into a man walking a path drowned in blood. Butril has ambitions to make the kingdom great again even if it means he must defeat every house that opposes his vision, even the Emperor*, and Amelan is caught in his vision - Burtil is the voice that moves in the light and Amelan the one who works in the dark.

But is this the path Amelan wants? And does he want to be a follower or a leader?

*if it is a Unified Empire, it should have an Emperor - unless this revolution is being kept to a single kingdom within the empire

 

[StoneInky]

This is my second shot at writing something, and I'd like to think I've improved my writing style. What I'm trying to do is refine it to the best I can and get my own sort of thing. I think ive found that. So I do realize the story has very little worldbuilding or a serious hook that would bait readers to be really interested, but that wasnt my primary focus. So If you guys wouldn't mind telling me on where to improve, I'd appreciate it.

The turning point

Amelan Draug'nr. A young man who never knew his parents, was raised in the slums of the unified empire and made to be a man walking a path drowned in blood. He is under the service of one Burtril Hunra’ec. A excitable, forever smiling old man with ambitions to...

www.scribblehub.com

Since you said you don't care about the synopsis... in my mind it's the most important part of the novel, the introduction and marketing, but you do you... I'll focus on the content instead.

I very much get the style you're trying to go for—heavy, contemplative, medieval vibes. I can see there is a story you want to tell, and you're easing it in without lore dumping from the beginning. And you use advanced vocab to construct pretty sentences that work with the vibe you're going for. The problem is that you go overboard on the purple prose.

The dude thinks stuff, then turns to his mentor and talks to him. And in this sequence, I see no charm. It's just vague, boring mumbling. The prose may look pretty, but it isn't new or interesting. The image of a dude cutting himself while thinking edgy thoughts has been done in every cringe edgy novel out there— and turns yours as cringey as the rest of them.

The conversation is sightly better, since we see snippets of the world here. But again, you have to make the readers invested. You have to make them care. You can't just spout cool sounding philosophical stuff and hope it works—that is bad writing. Everyone can write vague nonsense, but we don't for a reason.

In conclusion? A well written story that goes overboard trying to make itself sound cool, while neglecting the things that really matter. Character interactions. Plot. Lore. You don't have to overdo it. Just trim the philosophical musings, and focus more on em.

 

[Empress_Omnii]

You can't just spout cool sounding philosophical stuff and hope it works—that is bad writing.

Devils advocate but Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality did just that. I totally agree that it's bad writing, but that style did create one of the most well known Harry Potter fanfics.

 

[GodsChosenEmperor]

Since you said you don't care about the synopsis... in my mind it's the most important part of the novel, the introduction and marketing, but you do you... I'll focus on the content instead.

I very much get the style you're trying to go for—heavy, contemplative, medieval vibes. I can see there is a story you want to tell, and you're easing it in without lore dumping from the beginning. And you use advanced vocab to construct pretty sentences that work with the vibe you're going for. The problem is that you go overboard on the purple prose.

The dude thinks stuff, then turns to his mentor and talks to him. And in this sequence, I see no charm. It's just vague, boring mumbling. The prose may look pretty, but it isn't new or interesting. The image of a dude cutting himself while thinking edgy thoughts has been done in every cringe edgy novel out there— and turns yours as cringey as the rest of them.

The conversation is sightly better, since we see snippets of the world here. But again, you have to make the readers invested. You have to make them care. You can't just spout cool sounding philosophical stuff and hope it works—that is bad writing. Everyone can write vague nonsense, but we don't for a reason.

In conclusion? A well written story that goes overboard trying to make itself sound cool, while neglecting the things that really matter. Character interactions. Plot. Lore. You don't have to overdo it. Just trim the philosophical musings, and focus more on em.

If you wouldn't mind elaborating on what you mean by charm? And about the making readers invested part, doesn't that start with a hook, which I realise I don't have as the story would have been a slow burn. Or am I wrong?

But thanks for the reply, I'm seeing problems with the presentation if I'm getting what you guys are saying correctly.

 

[StoneInky]

If you wouldn't mind elaborating on what you mean by charm? And about the making readers invested part, doesn't that start with a hook, which I realise I don't have as the story would have been a slow burn. Or am I wrong?

But thanks for the reply, I'm seeing problems with the presentation if I'm getting what you guys are saying correctly.

Slow burn doesn't matter. You can start slow, and still write well. There is nothing wrong with the idea of the scene itself, but by 'no charm', I meant the way you wrote it is boring.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

If you wouldn't mind elaborating on what you mean by charm? And about the making readers invested part, doesn't that start with a hook, which I realise I don't have as the story would have been a slow burn. Or am I wrong?

But thanks for the reply, I'm seeing problems with the presentation if I'm getting what you guys are saying correctly.

The slow burn NEEDS to BE the hook or you'll just have a ... burn. A fire that ravages your text and leaves no readers behind.

 

[GodsChosenEmperor]

Ahhh, now that makes a lot of more sense. Didn't think of it like that before.