What do you think of my novel?

[ZesshiLavi]

It has been 11 chapters since my novel is released, I would really like to know what does the reader think of it.
Is it too slow? Too fast? Too much information? Boring?

Give daddy your honest opinion.

Mania playground

Coeus Mai died at the age 37, she was killed by a truck right after she robbed a jewelry store, apparently while she was fleeing from the police she accidently pushed away a little boy that was crossing the road whom was suppose to died in her place instead. The God...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Deleted member 29316]

Ayt. Will check!

 

[UYScuti]

Give daddy your honest opinion.

Alright, Daddy, I read the prologue.

Sometimes you write in the present tense, and other times you write in the past tense. There are times when singular nouns and verbs should be plural and vice versa. You have quite a few comma splices, meaning you’re linking two sentences with a comma. You have some comma and pronoun errors. A lot of the sentences are bloated, not very concise.

Now, past the grammar. What’s the point of the crowd? Are they only there to talk about how great the hero is? As someone holding the title hero, we know he’s great. We don’t need a group of random people telling us that. Is it an omniscient POV? You kind of switch between the hero, the crowd, and the little girl. If you’re doing an omniscient POV, split the paragraphs when the POV changes. Honestly, the little girl’s POV is the only one you need.

There are probably some other issues, but I didn’t dive too deep. I suppose the girl is making golems to destroy kingdoms, and the hero is extremely underwhelming. Is that the gist of it? Well, that’s fine.

Alright, Daddy, I hope you like my thoughts. I’ve been a good boy, so please don’t punish me. Teehee~

 

[ZesshiLavi]

Hmm yea, I really should fix the grammar of the prologue.
I will keep the POV thing in mind.

No punishment for a good boy!

 

[Ral]

Sorry, not my cup of tea.

 

[Deleted member 29316]

Hello! I checked it out, and I found these issues...

Negative
1) Tenses keep on switching from present to past, and vice-versa. It'd be nice to have just one tense (I suggest you use past tense, since most of the readers think that it is already a 'done' event).
2) Some story devices are just there to...well, magnify the MC's actions. My suggestion is, let them have more 'substance' in the narrative of the story.
3) The chapter subdivisions are pretty hard to distinguish. I had to re-read some chapter a few times to understand what's going on, and why the POV suddenly changed. In any case, my suggestion is to use a line to divide your chapter's scenes and events.

Positive
1) The pacing is fast, enough not to make it boring and at the same time, you could still follow. A lot of things happened in one chapter that it's pretty hard if I missed out one.
2) Mania is adorable! 'Nuff said.

Hope these feedback helps, Mister Author!

 

[ZesshiLavi]

2) Some story devices are just there to...well, magnify the MC's actions. My suggestion is, let them have more 'substance' in the narrative of the story.

Can I have an example of this? Thanks~

 

[RepresentingCaution]

Most readers here are silent. I recommend posting on writing.com and/or WritersCafe because both of those platforms have point systems to encourage users to leave reviews.

 

[Deleted member 29316]

Can I have an example of this? Thanks~

Ah yes, sorry, I just woke up and checked on the comments.

A great example here would be Rahk and the purple knight. I mean, it felt like they're there just to comment on how strong the Mania is. I mean Rahk is looking for his brother...and that's it. As a reader, I find it hard to care about his problem. My suggestion is, try to elaborate more on his character.

As for the purple knight, his entrance to the story felt interesting to me (talking about the gods, etc). While I understand that he's a side-character, it'd be better if you make him struggle more in his fight against Mania (she's OP, but a little fight would be interesting...he's a knight, and knights always upholds the honor of their liege, so they rarely retreat).

Well, those are my examples. Hope it helps.

 

[ZesshiLavi]

Hmm...I am not sure if I want to give out more information about them tho, all I can say is that
1. Rahk background story will slowly be discovered as the story progress.
2. Purple knight is not done yet.

 

[Deleted member 29316]

Hmm...I am not sure if I want to give out more information about them tho, all I can say is that
1. Rahk background story will slowly be discovered as the story progress.
2. Purple knight is not done yet.

I see...my bad, I guess.

My interest was piqued by Rahk and the purple knight, honestly. Felt like I wanted to know more about them.

But in any case, I left a rating in your story. Hope that helps you as well. ?

 

[ZesshiLavi]

I see...my bad, I guess.

My interest was piqued by Rahk and the purple knight, honestly. Felt like I wanted to know more about them.

But in any case, I left a rating in your story. Hope that helps you as well. ?

Thanks for the honest opinion!

 

[Deleted member 29316]

Thanks for the honest opinion!

Glad to help 'ya!