What about synopsis feedback?

[CubicleHermit]

My Best Friend is a Prince from Another World

High school friends Mark and Joel have their lives uprooted when Joel discovers that his late mother was a princess who fled from another world. With the King old and infirm, Joel is asked to return to that world and take his place as the rightful heir. Before that, he...

www.scribblehub.com

Story itself is quite a ways in and will be posting it in chunks, happy to have any beta readers but what I could really use feedback on is the synopsis paragraphs. I wrote something off the top of for when I started this (nanowrimo two years ago) and while I cleaned it up a little before posting here, I have a feeling this isn't going to grab anyone.

Anyone want to give a quick thumbs up/thumbs down? Any suggestions about how to grab people or tighten up the wording are appreciate as well.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

"High school friends Mark and Joel have their lives uprooted when Joel discovers that his late mother was actually a princess who ran away from another world.

Upon the death of the last remaining heir to the Obdresti throne and with the King old and infirm, Joel is asked to return that world and claim the crown he will inherit through his mother. Before that has has to graduate high school, figure out his place in a new world, find out what lead his mother to flee in the first place, and avoid running into what or who has been killing off the royal family."

Honestly, I find this part interesting. However...

"Mark, a nerdy kid without many friends, must choose whether or not to follow his friend to a new high school in a new world. It can’t be worse than NYC in the early 1990s, can it?"

...this part is quite the mood-killer for me. I mean, we all know that Mark will follow his friend to the isekai abyss, or the story would end there. I suggest you rephrase this.

As for the other aspects...

Cover Art: Actually, ScribbleHub is a place for western fantasy/western 'isekai' stories (OELN). It's not an exaggeration if I state that you use the 'waifu' cover, since it does attract readers to your work.

Content: I got no problems so far. It's a pretty solid narrative.

Other suggestions: Don't be discouraged by the lack of readers at first. As I said before, SH is a place with a lot of 'isekai' stories, so your work would be a drop in the ocean. However, if you keep on updating on a regular basis, it would soon gain traction, and hopefully, it'll get famous.

Hope this helps you!

 

[CubicleHermit]

First, thanks!

...this part is quite the mood-killer for me. I mean, we all know that Mark will follow his friend to the isekai abyss, or the story would end there. I suggest you rephrase this.

I actually made it worse; I've reverted it to the original nanowrimo description

> Mark, a nerdy kid without many friends, chooses to follow his friend to a new high school in a new world. After all, it can’t be worse than NYC in the early 1990s.

Cover Art: Actually, ScribbleHub is a place for western fantasy/western 'isekai' stories (OELN). It's not an exaggeration if I state that you use the 'waifu' cover, since it does attract readers to your work.

At some point I'll need to get some proper art for it.

 

[NobleTalon]

Other suggestions: Don't be discouraged by the lack of readers at first. As I said before, SH is a place with a lot of 'isekai' stories, so your work would be a drop in the ocean. However, if you keep on updating on a regular basis, it would soon gain traction, and hopefully, it'll get famous.

It is precisely because sh is a place full of isekai that releasing an isekai is the easiest way to get readers. Every novel has low readers at first, even mine that I just started is getting readers only from the links I post on discord servers and I got almost none from the site itself.

When you post an isekai, at least people will naturally come to your page from the site because most of the readers here are looking for this kind of story.

As for your synopsis if I can give you my opinion :

"Upon the death of the last remaining heir to the Obdresti throne and with the King old and infirm, Joel is asked to return that world and claim the crown he will inherit through his mother. Before that has has to graduate high school, figure out his place in a new world, find out what lead his mother to flee in the first place, and avoid running into what or who has been killing off the royal family."

Try to not explain so many things in one go, we didn't read your story yet but we already know what's gonna happen in the first arcs. Try to resume this, if you want to hook up readers by giving some little spoil just do it moderately.

For example :

How will Joel be able to live in a new world and claim the throne of which he is the rightful owner?

In one sentence, you can hook up your readers without revelating to them everything that is gonna happen in the early part of your story.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

At some point I'll need to get some proper art for it.

Want me to make you a quick 'waifu' art for your cover?

 

[CarburetorThompson]

Waifu labs, you can remove the watermark with whatever software you have. Even mspaint will work if you have enough patience. Or just crop, or just leave it in.

 

[CubicleHermit]

Want me to make you a quick 'waifu' art for your cover?

Absolutely :) Although I guess the question is, does the waifu drawn have to appear in the story?

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Absolutely :) Although I guess the question is, does the waifu drawn have to appear in the story?

Yep.

But if you don't have one I guess we could grab some other main characters. Just tell me your specs.

 

[CubicleHermit]

There are definitely waifus coming in part 2 (and the main ones involved with Joel show up briefly in the interlude sections of part 1, although as viewpoint characters so there's not much description :) )

I'm terribly at visual composition, but what I was trying for with my original comipo cover was Mark (with glasses and messy hair) kind of uncomfortable but amused, and then Joel with two of the girls (but Comipo didn't really let me make them look all that different.) Dunno if it's worth putting either/both of the male protagonists onto a cover if the goal is to get the waifus out there :)

Will DM with some character specs.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

There are definitely waifus coming in part 2 (and the main ones involved with Joel show up briefly in the interlude sections of part 1, although as viewpoint characters so there's not much description :) )

I'm terribly at visual composition, but what I was trying for with my original comipo cover was Mark (with glasses and messy hair) kind of uncomfortable but amused, and then Joel with two of the girls (but Comipo didn't really let me make them look all that different.) Dunno if it's worth putting either/both of the male protagonists onto a cover if the goal is to get the waifus out there :)

Will DM with some character specs.

How about we go for a simple one with a single character (waifu) on it (just like in JP LNs)? At least it gets the story going. And you won't be changing covers that much, unless you plan to publish volume by volume or you'd change your cover every part that you upload.

If you got a princess or noble lady character, then even better!

But yeah, I defer to your decision.

This is my art style by the way...

Spoiler

 

[CubicleHermit]

I saw that one on your profile, that's really nice!

I'll take your advice on sticking to one; the first thing that comes to mind for a noble lady is that one of the girls (Violet) is actually the daughter of an important diplomat (and minor noble) of the country Joel is the prince of. I was going to send these via DM, but I don't think there are any real spoilers here.

Violet - Really tiny. Super-cute, in a immature, vulnerable sort of way. Light blonde. Originally envisioned with kind of Shirley Temple curly hair, just below her shoulders. Light complexion. Hazel eyes. Wouldn't wear the full blazer and long skirt uniform if she doesn't have to, dresses "young" though rather than sexy. She's in her last year of middle school in the brief mentions in Part I and a starting her first year of high school in part II+. If we wanted to play up her background and being a noble's daughter, she'd be wearing a fairly modest, kind of victorian-era formal dress with their equivalent of a mantilla (like a white lace shawl, but over the back of the head not like a veil)

If we were going with two, the other leg of the triangle with Joel is Elise; tall-ish, but slender. Pretty, in a more striking than cute sort of way. Black hair. Long down to her lower back but very neatly put together. Dark blue eyes. Wears the full uniform (blazer, blouse and tie and below the knee skirt) even when she doesn't have to. She's descended from the local ethnic equivalent of southern french or Italian, but otherwise pretty much could be any yamato nadeshiko anime character. Finishing her first year in Part I, 2nd year in part II+

See anything you can work with there?

 

[Deleted member 54065]

I saw that one on your profile, that's really nice!

I'll take your advice on sticking to one; the first thing that comes to mind for a noble lady is that one of the girls (Violet) is actually the daughter of the ambassador of the country Joel is the prince of. I was going to send these via DM, but I don't think there are any real spoilers here.

Violet - Really tiny. Super-cute, in a immature, vulnerable sort of way. Light blonde. Originally envisioned with kind of Shirley Temple curly hair, just below her shoulders. Light complexion. Hazel eyes. Wouldn't wear the full blazer and long skirt uniform if she doesn't have to, dresses "young" though rather than sexy. She's in her last year of middle school in the brief mentions in Part I and a starting her first year of high school in part II+. If we wanted to play up her background and being a noble's daughter, she'd be wearing a fairly modest, kind of victorian-era formal dress with their equivalent of a mantilla (like a white lace shawl, but over the back of the head not like a veil)

If we were going with two, the other leg of the triangle with Joel is Elise; tall-ish, but slender. Pretty, in a more striking than cute sort of way. Black hair. Long down to her lower back but very nearly put together. Dark blue eyes. Wears the full uniform (blazer, blouse and tie and below the knee skirt) even when she doesn't have to. She's descended from the local ethnic equivalent of southern french or Italian, but otherwise pretty much could be any yamato nadeshiko anime character. Finishing her first year in Part I, 2nd year in part II+

See anything you can work with there?

Ayt. I got this. Will start working on the lineart then.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

@CubicleHermit here's my idea of Violet and her cover

What do you think? Shall I ink and color it now?

 

[CubicleHermit]

@CubicleHermit here's my idea of Violet and her cover

What do you think? Shall I ink and color it now?

I love it. :) Yes, please do.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Update!
Already inked her. Will proceed to scan and colors.

 

[Deleted member 54065]

How's is it? Just send me your email so that I can send the print version (with larger resolution and CMYK color mode) if you're okay with this.

 

[CubicleHermit]

Sweet!

I uploaded the forum copy to the series so that it would be approved and there'd be something better than my comipo one ASAP :) I hope it's OK. If you've got any tips on resizing it down LMK.

Qq: how would you like me to credit you for the image on the series page?

Would love to get the bigger copy, but the site doesn't seem to like my sending you a DM : "You may not start a conversation with the following recipients: Hans.Trondheim."

 

[Deleted member 54065]

Sweet!

I uploaded the forum copy to the series so that it would be approved and there'd be something better than my comipo one ASAP :) I hope it's OK. If you've got any tips on resizing it down LMK.

Qq: how would you like me to credit you for the image on the series page?

Would love to get the bigger copy, but the site doesn't seem to like my sending you a DM : "You may not start a conversation with the following recipients: Hans.Trondheim."

Ah I think I forgot to set my mail to receive messages.

And nah, it's fine about the credit. Just trying to help.

Edit: try to send me message again.