Was my dialogue bad?

RyujiSakamata

RyujiSakamata

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The context:

My mind pulled my awareness lingering to an endless space surrounded by light from unknown sources. I stood, facing two people surrounded by malicious aura of darkness.

One of them was the adult Xenos, holding a dark glowing dagger as he bared his teeth at me with his grown fangs. He held an adult female’s arms behind her, holding her as a hostage.

The woman sobbed, with tears falling from her eyes, but her eyes were completely default with flattened lips. I couldn’t tell if she really wished to die or not. Still, my mind boggled me that she’s important to me.

Xenos spun his dagger before pointing it at the woman’s neck, drawing a dot of blood on its side. He drew out his tongue and wiggled it around his lips. He heavily breathed from the thirst of blood and people’s terror.

“She is my hostage. I will kill her.”

I faced down and clenched my fists as I grit my teeth. “Yes.”

“Okay.”

After that, he stabbed the woman without hesitation.
Click to expand...

If it's already bad, how can I make it worse?

If you can worsen the story, feel free. I need the worst story possible.
 
Last edited:
dummycake

dummycake

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I thought it was a Kingdom Hearts fanfic or something.
so let's just get inspired by it.

"The darkness held by this hand of mine will kill the light inside her body. Someone like you, filled with light, can not comprehend the darkness inside me."

"There's nothing left for me to do in the light, I will let the fear take over me. Take the girl and let her go in the darkness."

"Okay."
 
C

Cortavar

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That's a challenge... What are default eyes? Why is it important that everyone is an adult? Are the fangs organic grown? Why do the woman eyes have lips?

Wait, are you a native English speaker? Those errors, and a few other, look like you almost succeeded at translating from another language.

If that's the case, please take my advice as a fellow second language English speaker: wait until your brain can directly think in English before attempting to write fiction in that language. I'm almost there.

As for the dialogue itself, you can always make it worse. Let's see:

Option 1: broken English.
"She hostage. I kill."
"Yes"
"Okay"

Option 2: flowery bullshitting.
"Behold, puny mortal, thice bretheren thou I hath conquered and bound to my otherworldly will. Cower before me and doth not dare move or I shall pierce her puny hearth with my mighty claws of doom."
"Avast, foul beast, doth as thou wilt! Yet knowth that the sacrifice of that fairest of maidens shall not go unpunished!"
"Thou hath chosen to end her fate byth thour own words, I shall henceforth disembowel her upon thour very eyes. Feast upon my unyielding savagery and despair, puny mortal!"
 
ReadLight

ReadLight

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dummycake said:
the DIALOGUE not create a whole ending
Click to expand...
I mean I practically only changed the dialogue
1693494088343.jpeg
 
J_Chemist

J_Chemist

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Fornicate with the corpse and have the killer monologue during the process.
 
C

Cortavar

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RyujiSakamata said:
If it's already bad, how can I make it worse?

If you can worsen the story, feel free. I need the worst story possible.
Click to expand...
OK, I've tried my best at being the worst. If you're really doing it for shit and giggles, you're good at it, man.

I almost had it out for you for using female unironically to talk about a woman.

My mind pulled my awareness lingering to an endless space surrounded by light from unknown sources. I could see the walls, a mere 40 feet away, closing in. I stood, facing two people surrounded by malicious aura of evil darkness.

One of them was the adult Xenos, holding a dark glowing dagger as he bared his teeth at me with his grown fangs. He held an adult female’s arms behind her, holding her as a hostage.

The female sobbed, with tears falling from her eyes, but her eyes were completely default with flattened lips. I couldn’t tell if she really wished to die or not. Still, my mind boggled me that she’s important to me. I somehow knew that I knew her but couldn't know why I knew that I knew.

Xenos spun his dagger with his adult fingers before pointing it at the woman’s neck, drawing a dot of blood on its side. He drew out his tongue and wiggled it around his lips. He heavily breathed from the thirst of blood and people’s terror.

“Behold, puny mortal, thice bretheren thou I hath conquered and bound to my otherworldly will. Cower before me and doth not dare move or I shall pierce her puny hearth with my mighty claws of doom.”

I faced down and clenched my fists closed as I grit my teeth. “Yes.”

“Okay.”

After that, he stabbed the woman without hesitation.
 
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