Vein Engine | Would you like to give your opinion on my first light novel?

Pinkurita

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Mar 4, 2025
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Hello everyone! My name is Pinkurita and I'm new to this community.

I'd like to know what you think about my first light novel style work. English is not my native language, so sorry for the translation mistakes!

The first 3 chapters are already available and the next ones are in production for the next few days. I hope you enjoy reading!

 

Justhetip...

...of the iceberg.
Joined
Sep 9, 2024
Messages
249
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Hello everyone! My name is Pinkurita and I'm new to this community.

I'd like to know what you think about my first light novel style work. English is not my native language, so sorry for the translation mistakes!

The first 3 chapters are already available and the next ones are in production for the next few days. I hope you enjoy reading!

To be honest, I'm not a critic, and know very little about actual writing, and am still very much an amateur. But I'll say what attracted me, put me off, and generally, my first impression as a reader, so take this with a grain of salt.

First of all, I think you should have given the protagonist more attention in the synopsis, as we know nothing of her except that she's a writer and will soon be thrust into a life-threatening situation. In fact, the protagonist is only mentioned when you click more to expand the synopsis. The average reader, will most times skip the work when they immediately see a paragraph of exposition at the synopsis's beginning.

I think you should also add a lot more tags, as it will aid a LOT with discoverability, and because most readers like to know what they're getting into. Only a few readers would be willing to go in blindly.

As for the contents of the story itself, note that is a biased impression. I felt somewhat confused because you didn't properly establish if it was a cyberpunk setting, or a modern era transitioning into a cyberpunk era. The MC felt a lot of disgust at the consumerist atmosphere and whatnot, but you never told about where she came from to establish a comparison as to why she feels this disgust.

The MC herself hasn't shown enough to be likeable so far, apart from worrying about her sister. Most of what she's been doing whining about a new job she herself admitted was good, which feels a bit contradictory, showing disgust for Wildcore, when she most likely knew what she was getting into when she moved in, and closing the elevator doors on a dude who was probably in a hurry too, and showing no guilt whatsoever, that low-key pissed me off.

I didn't feel any personality from the dialogues too, and it overall felt bland, which might be a problem of you translating it to English, that might have erased your voice as an author.

You didn't describe the things in the sky much too, apart from saying they were triangles or drones, and I think you should have focused on the tension more, after all, if I'm right in my assumptions, this is strange, alien stuff, MC and her sister shouldn't have brushed it off so quickly.

I think the rest of the third chapter was okay, except the "whistles" sound effects you used, it might have underscored the impact of the hits.

A lot of your intent might have been lost in the translation to English.

Do remember once again that this is a first impression, and might even come off as shallow, but I hope it helped. :meowsip: :meowsip:

PS: This is a bit extra and maybe unnecessary, but I'm African, and the constant mention of the "African love story" she was working on, or the mention of the "illustration of the African couple" did rub me up the wrong way, even though you might have meant no harm and thought nothing of it. You could remove that part of it if it serves no purpose to the plot.
 

Pinkurita

New member
Joined
Mar 4, 2025
Messages
7
Points
3
https://forum.scribblehub.com/members/justhetip.175428/report
To be honest, I'm not a critic, and know very little about actual writing, and am still very much an amateur. But I'll say what attracted me, put me off, and generally, my first impression as a reader, so take this with a grain of salt.

First of all, I think you should have given the protagonist more attention in the synopsis, as we know nothing of her except that she's a writer and will soon be thrust into a life-threatening situation. In fact, the protagonist is only mentioned when you click more to expand the synopsis. The average reader, will most times skip the work when they immediately see a paragraph of exposition at the synopsis's beginning.

I think you should also add a lot more tags, as it will aid a LOT with discoverability, and because most readers like to know what they're getting into. Only a few readers would be willing to go in blindly.

As for the contents of the story itself, note that is a biased impression. I felt somewhat confused because you didn't properly establish if it was a cyberpunk setting, or a modern era transitioning into a cyberpunk era. The MC felt a lot of disgust at the consumerist atmosphere and whatnot, but you never told about where she came from to establish a comparison as to why she feels this disgust.

The MC herself hasn't shown enough to be likeable so far, apart from worrying about her sister. Most of what she's been doing whining about a new job she herself admitted was good, which feels a bit contradictory, showing disgust for Wildcore, when she most likely knew what she was getting into when she moved in, and closing the elevator doors on a dude who was probably in a hurry too, and showing no guilt whatsoever, that low-key pissed me off.

I didn't feel any personality from the dialogues too, and it overall felt bland, which might be a problem of you translating it to English, that might have erased your voice as an author.

You didn't describe the things in the sky much too, apart from saying they were triangles or drones, and I think you should have focused on the tension more, after all, if I'm right in my assumptions, this is strange, alien stuff, MC and her sister shouldn't have brushed it off so quickly.

I think the rest of the third chapter was okay, except the "whistles" sound effects you used, it might have underscored the impact of the hits.

A lot of your intent might have been lost in the translation to English.

Do remember once again that this is a first impression, and might even come off as shallow, but I hope it helped. :meowsip: :meowsip:

PS: This is a bit extra and maybe unnecessary, but I'm African, and the constant mention of the "African love story" she was working on, or the mention of the "illustration of the African couple" did rub me up the wrong way, even though you might have meant no harm and thought nothing of it. You could remove that part of it if it serves no purpose to the plot.




First of all, thank you very much for taking the time to read my story. So far, you have been the only person who wanted to read it. It has probably been drowned in the tide of posts on this forum, so I am grateful.

You have given me a very different point of view than what I saw regarding my story. This writing project has served as an outlet for me after several failures. My constant perfectionism leads me to correct even the smallest detail that I do not consider "good enough" and leads to a thousand frustrations.

Honestly, I started the novel because I was driven to write something, anything, and to strive to finish it.

All the errors or discrepancies that you mention, I have noticed after a more in-depth review, and you are absolutely right. My story has many flaws on a narrative level.

It is very difficult for me to convey what I see in my mind. The translation also has to do with this and the poor planning because it is a free writing, in addition to a project where I was looking to take a weight off my shoulders.

I'm sorry if you found the African novel thing annoying, I didn't mean to offend anyone, I just put it in because of a lyric from a song I listen to a lot. It was an impulse that I thought would be nice.

If I correct and rethink the whole structure, I'll cover the flaws and eliminate that detail.

I have nothing else to say, I thank you for taking the time and helping me improve. I hope you have a nice day! :blob_highfive:
 

Justhetip...

...of the iceberg.
Joined
Sep 9, 2024
Messages
249
Points
78
https://forum.scribblehub.com/members/justhetip.175428/report





First of all, thank you very much for taking the time to read my story. So far, you have been the only person who wanted to read it. It has probably been drowned in the tide of posts on this forum, so I am grateful.

You have given me a very different point of view than what I saw regarding my story. This writing project has served as an outlet for me after several failures. My constant perfectionism leads me to correct even the smallest detail that I do not consider "good enough" and leads to a thousand frustrations.

Honestly, I started the novel because I was driven to write something, anything, and to strive to finish it.

All the errors or discrepancies that you mention, I have noticed after a more in-depth review, and you are absolutely right. My story has many flaws on a narrative level.

It is very difficult for me to convey what I see in my mind. The translation also has to do with this and the poor planning because it is a free writing, in addition to a project where I was looking to take a weight off my shoulders.

I'm sorry if you found the African novel thing annoying, I didn't mean to offend anyone, I just put it in because of a lyric from a song I listen to a lot. It was an impulse that I thought would be nice.

If I correct and rethink the whole structure, I'll cover the flaws and eliminate that detail.

I have nothing else to say, I thank you for taking the time and helping me improve. I hope you have a nice day! :blob_highfive:
I'm glad I could be of help.:blob_highfive:

Also, I'll say it again, don't skimp on the tags, I think there's a limit of 25 tags that can be used. And if you can, then fill all 25, as long as it's something that truly relates to the story. Most readers search what they want to read by tags, it gives your work a chance to reach a larger audience.

I'm of the belief that every work has an audience. Do improve and come back stronger.?
 
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