Writing Prompt Universe update log... Fixed Hawaiian pizza not having any pineapple when asking to remove the pineapple

[Azhurie_Mythephan]

Premise:
You are a technician for the system that a seperate universe runs on. This universe is accessible to yours in the form of a vrmmo. It has just received it's most recent update.
Task:
Write a patch/update log for the system update v. 1.74.37.83.12873 and its absurd changes/fixes. (Must be written in a log format similar to an actual patch/update log that you would see in an adjacent work of fiction)

 

[DemonOppai]

Patch 6.969

We feel that as a player you don’t really get to feel the love that yanderes have to offer. So we have decided to give them a little bit of a helping hand.

Yanderes are now able to teleport to their player target regardless of location. Whether in game or in the real world.

Yanderes can now read minds and are unkillable.

Yanderes are now able to interfere with the space time continuum.

We hope this changes will make the game feel more real and immersive.

 

[Azhurie_Mythephan]

Patch 6.969

We feel that as a player you don’t really get to feel the love that yanderes have to offer. So we have decided to give them a little bit of a helping hand.

Yanderes are now able to teleport to their player target regardless of location. Whether in game or in the real world.

Yanderes can now read minds and are unkillable.

Yanderes are now able to interfere with the space time continuum.

We hope this changes will make the game feel more real and immersive.

Patch 6.970

We made a mistake in our previous update so this patch is to rectify that.

Fixed the bug where yanderes could not teleport to target player who is surrounded by 4 or more big burly buff men while located in a prison cell in alabama

 

[TheEldritchGod]

Complaint Ticket 2.10.11.2289

There's a problem with the main Giant Robo-Tiger base the protagonists are using. The elevator of access shaft B which is used mostly for heavy cargo lifting is now occasionally stopping in another dimension. If one should see a new button appear on the console that is glowing red, bad things happen when people push it. Especially when it starts to whisper to you promises of untold riches and power. Apparently, it tells only lies and does not actually exist.

Between levels 43 and 44, the elevator takes a normal amount of time to transverse the distance in either direction to outside observers, and nothing unusual happens when you are going down.

However, if you are going up, time will slow to a crawl. You will be unable to move, but will still perceive the passage of time. Subjectively, it will feel like decades, if not centuries, pass before you are able to move again. The entire time you will be trapped in a prison of frozen flesh, alone with nothing but your thoughts to keep you company.

Those few who have transversed this temporal aperture have stumbled out of the elevator, hair turned white, clawing at their own eyes and screaming at a return of sensation that to someone who has perceived nothing for such a subjectively long time, serves as one of the greatest of tortures.

----

UCD Response:

It's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.
----


Complaint Ticket 1.11.11.2289

That transmigrator you sent us tried to fix the world's dwindling food supplies with his magic. He seems to have run into some problems. His experiments have finally yielded fruit, in a metaphorical sense, which is important to point out, when dealing with food-like substances made partially out of strange quarks.

The transmigrator may have spontaneously mutated and started spouting giant blisters all over his misshapen body. He may have then crawled onto the ceiling and started to weave a nest of silk pulled from his abdomen. It was a tab bit disconcerting when he started speaking in a disjointed, sotto voce hum urging others to harvest said giant blisters in an effort to spread his blessings to all of humanity.

Complelled by unknown forces against our will, we then used the blisters to make what he called "High Energy Cheese" This new food has six times the calories of ordinary cheese. This will prove invaluable when helping our fighting men on the front lines against the demon lord's army to maintain the levels of energy they need to succeed. However, our transmigrator is stuck on the ceiling, and no longer able to wield the Holy Sword without screaming, "It Burnssss! It Burnssss ussss..."


---


UCD Response:

Sending a new Transmigrator.

 

[Sice]

v. 1.74.37.83.12873 Update log, patch #08.
Added:

A new variable-mass moon for every star system to compensate for an as-of-yet unsolved floating point error in interactions involving quantum foam.​

In star system #0927, on planet #11, Empire Tonedeaf's new national anthem has necessitated the addition of a new universal musical felony standard. Thank them at your leisure.​

By popular request, a light-speed merry-go-round orbiting a gravitational singularity just above the event horizon. Operation Counter-Rotation is a go.​

In response to complaints about travel times, a new gambling hall was added in Cessna Minor where one can wager on the bi-aeonic celestial pigeon races from anywhere in the universe.​

​

Fixed:

The additional two types of Hydrogen atoms, Hydrogen 1A and Paul, have been removed following complaints. The associated mass has been replaced with chocolate. Please enjoy the new chocolate-fusing stars for the brief moments of their existence.​

Death has been removed from solitary confinement following good behavior and has been given a list of all the people who should already be dead. Enjoy those last minutes, y'all.​

Flipped coins will now properly resolve to either heads, tails, or the edge case in a finite amount of time. We look forward to seeing the outcome of the Eternally Flipping coin with the rest of you.​

Two rights now make a left wrong, not a right wrong. On a related note, 17 rights have been relabeled as the appropriate wrongs. Please consult the Dictionary of Rights and Wrongs for further information.​

In Darkmelon's Colosseum of Unsavory Delights, the fish souffle no longer attempts to eat the contestant until after it is eaten.​

​

Removed:

A strange fruit that looked like an orange, tasted like an orange, and smelled like an orange but wasn't an orange.​

A one-way toll road from star system #0079 to star system #0111 for excessive popularity.​

79 perpetual motion machines. Please stop exploiting the system.​

An unlicensed n-dimensional hypercube prone to warping hyperspace into a klein bottle and other shapes. Please report any additional hypercubes immediately.​

Please remember we take your feedback seriously. We are pleased to announced that of all 9.2 x 10^(42) tickets and comments since the start of this version, 13 have serviced with this patch. That's a new record for this version.

 

[2wordsperminute]

Update v. 1.74.37.83.12873 patch notes:
This one's a short one folks!
In preparation for the next major update, we have been hard at work removing a few of the more glaring issues as well as adding in a few quality of life changes.

- Stars can no longer be born instead of humans. Funny story, we were trying to update how everything was born last patch. We ended up accidentally putting an or instead of an and in one script. We will work to reimburse what some players may have lost due to this bug over the following weeks.
- You can no longer reach the level cap by eating dirt for two hours.
- Removed the Moon Manipulation Rod, it caused too many issues.
- Added the ability to choose which stats are gained from level up instead of it being based on what activity you used to level up.
- Increased drop rate for various items and sped up the rate of growth for crops. We realized the game was too grindy, and have therefore made it a bit more accessible to casual players.

Well, that's it for now! Told you it was short. We'll be back an a few months with the next major update, which will bring a new plane of existence and raise the level cap. We hope you continue enjoying your time here!

 

[LuoirM]

- Turtles now have a 0.001% chance to spawn without armor due to the spawn chance "genetics" and the "mutation" easter egg in certain biomes, this is to incentivise on evolution.