Time to try again...

[Deleted member 165068]

I'd be happy if anyone read even the 1st chapter of my story, but I am hoping the first three if possible to get a better picture of what people think. However, should no one care to, I might attempt a drastic rework of what I have soon since I feel like I'm failing what limited audience I got initially two to three months ago.

Here We Go

 

[Tsuru]

1) No summary
2) No one use words like "incarnate" nowadays 2024 in WN industry. Anyway even without it, people are already tired of this cliche (now even if its a demon, elf, kuthullu, authors try to add something new)
3) AI cover of meh quality

3 negatives already, and i didnt even start yet.
Which can represent 7 on 10 being turned off to even try.
-------

In the dim light of dawn, a woman with a billowing cloak emerged from the shadows of a narrow alley. The damp cobblestone streets of a city remained slippery from last night's rain, yet she walked alongside the distant greeting of a church bell without falling. Black horns on her head balanced her body yet contrasted with the pleasant, waking world glistening with daylight by setting this woman beneath UNDER the cloak apart from the bustling marketplace nearby. Her eyes, a piercing brown, surveyed LOOKED AT her surroundings. She learned long ago that being a demon in STAYING human form remained precarious. WAS RISKY

This demon, Elen, wrinkled her nose at the discomforting smell of freshly baked bread and roasting meats laden with unsavory and other normal odors from the city's less salubrious districts. Her concerns lay beyond that her olfactory senses, though. She needed to locate her husband William that was human searching for any information on an unknown enemy. They promised to hunt them down together and learn why their attacker transformed Elen into a demon and burned their house.

OUCH
From getgo, its a wall of text.
And no im not a tldr but still a turn off.


Too much written like a LoTR blockbuster or a LITRPG. Too much sophisticated wording for the readers of SH. (its more of a royalroad thing)
To be honest, i near feel like hearing a old man narrating this stuff in a fire. "Come and listen to this story of a ...., ohohohoh it will surprise you"
Not to say its BAD persay, but audience must fit the product, and well....SH not really for this, but take what i say with a grain of salt.
Also people come mostly for smut.
And well, this "husband" thingy is another turn off. That and bc you POOF, suddenly introduce him badly. Its like nowadays movies that force people to like their "new protagonists" and "cant show" and "only tell" (bad). Its like Gandalf & hobbit. People mention its mindblowing how at beginning at the hug, without being told they liked the characters without any introduction for them.

Even kirito SAO didnt start his adventure already married to Asuna.

Sure there are "married" series out there.
But thing is, they should deserve it. And well, here we dont know. (yet)


And TOO MUCH FORESHADOWING.
If its a try to be "mysterious" sorry its a big fail.
Its the "Why should i give a .... to him/her"
A problem lot of ...well....movie writers fail to understand : the "Make the character LIKEABLE before his troubles/adventure/death"
Bc why should we care of their troubles or cry for their death, IF PEOPLE DONT EVEN KNOW THEM OR EVEN CARE????
In this case,
why care of this "unknown enemy"
why care if their house burned (and i bet some readers would feel happy bc HE GOT A WAIFU and not them)
also too much information too fast.
If i hyperbole its like trying to cram Superman backstory in just 3 sentences. No, we care for superman bc we seen the FKING PLANET BLOW UP, his sacrificing parents staying on the blown krypton feeling sad for their baby that he will likely suffer loneliness and hardships and crying they wont see him grow-up and caring less about their own death, the ship fall on farm, parents try to educate him, and his adopti-father dying, and superman growing into a good man (alien) that love humans/keeping his innocence and not turning evil.

Anyway, sorry for harsh review.
I'm like that.
Very direct.
Im the gordon ramsay of SHF.

Her hand strayed to a dagger at her side. A gift William forged from the stone of the city's ancient walls, rather than the old modern walls, granting her the power to harm others who threatened her. The blade was cold, a stark reminder of the harsh reality they now faced. These two once acted as reliable, hardy office clerks who brought peaceful measures to the city they lived in by filing every hunter's paperwork. Now, Elen and William lived as a couple hunted by their peers, professional adventurers, who were former corporate workers enticed to hunt them because of Elen's transformation into a demon.

The sound of distant hoofbeats grew louder, and Elen tensed. It was a patrol. Their eyes sought any signs of the demonic infiltration that had previously ravaged their city, Bird's Eye. They passed the alley without a second glance, their attention drawn to a commotion further down the street. A crowd gathered around a group of travelers, and the sharp tone of their accusations sliced through the air. Elen recognized the fear in the travelers' voices—fear of the very creatures she and William had once feared too, but that she had now become.

Her stomach churned when she recalled her death and transformation: "Your soft hands touched glass shards from a broken whiskey bottle because of a need to survive, but every other memory from then on remained lost as we tried to find and drive back our attacker in our burning home." The night it happened left a blur of pain and rage for herself, however, this is how William recounted the event for her. She knew a culprit existed, and needed locating, but for the sake of the unborn child growing within her, William made Elen sit out during this investigation.

Sorry wont continue.

Its too much written, in a BaldurGate 3 narrator kind of thing.
And i'm not fan of it.

 

[Deleted member 165068]

1) No summary
2) No one use words like "incarnate" nowadays 2024 in WN industry. Anyway even without it, people are already tired of this cliche (now even if its a demon, elf, kuthullu, authors try to add something new)
3) AI cover of meh quality

3 negatives already, and i didnt even start yet.
Which can represent 7 on 10 being turned off to even try.
-------

OUCH
From getgo, its a wall of text.
And no im not a tldr but still a turn off.


Too much written like a LoTR blockbuster or a LITRPG. Too much sophisticated wording for the readers of SH. (its more of a royalroad thing)
To be honest, i near feel like hearing a old man narrating this stuff in a fire. "Come and listen to this story of a ...., ohohohoh it will surprise you"
Not to say its BAD persay, but audience must fit the product, and well....SH not really for this, but take what i say with a grain of salt.
Also people come mostly for smut.
And well, this "husband" thingy is another turn off. That and bc you POOF, suddenly introduce him badly. Its like nowadays movies that force people to like their "new protagonists" and "cant show" and "only tell" (bad). Its like Gandalf & hobbit. People mention its mindblowing how at beginning at the hug, without being told they liked the characters without any introduction for them.

Even kirito SAO didnt start his adventure already married to Asuna.

Sure there are "married" series out there.
But thing is, they should deserve it. And well, here we dont know. (yet)


And TOO MUCH FORESHADOWING.
If its a try to be "mysterious" sorry its a big fail.
Its the "Why should i give a .... to him/her"
A problem lot of ...well....movie writers fail to understand : the "Make the character LIKEABLE before his troubles/adventure/death"
Bc why should we care of their troubles or cry for their death, IF PEOPLE DONT EVEN KNOW THEM OR EVEN CARE????
In this case,
why care of this "unknown enemy"
why care if their house burned (and i bet some readers would feel happy bc HE GOT A WAIFU and not them)
also too much information too fast.
If i hyperbole its like trying to cram Superman backstory in just 3 sentences. No, we care for superman bc we seen the FKING PLANET BLOW UP, his sacrificing parents staying on the blown krypton feeling sad for their baby that he will likely suffer loneliness and hardships and crying they wont see him grow-up and caring less about their own death, the ship fall on farm, parents try to educate him, and his adopti-father dying, and superman growing into a good man (alien) that love humans/keeping his innocence and not turning evil.

Anyway, sorry for harsh review.
I'm like that.
Very direct.
Im the gordon ramsay of SHF.

Sorry wont continue.

Its too much written, in a BaldurGate 3 narrator kind of thing.
And i'm not fan of it.

Well, then you know what I won't consider this as something to continue. Thanks for the feedback. I just deleted my story and will restart all over again from scratch.

 

[OsiriumWrites]

Or, you keep it. And use the bits that work from it and create V2.
I did three rewrites of my story before I published it.

The first draft is finding what works and what doesn't.