Thoughts on the first part of my OG work.

Juia_Darkcrest

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It is only 1500 words for the first scene after my prologue. What do you think about it?

edit - probably should preface this as it is a post-apocalyptic earth, where the vast majority died. One company built DDVRMO pods with stand alone AIs to aid future survivors in learning the skills required to survive. There is more too it obviously but you would need to read the prologue to know those details


December 24th, 2075, fourteen years After Impact
Near Lake Ray Roberts, 60 miles north of Dallas, Texas



It was sunny that day, with just a few white clouds breaking up the vast blue sky. A gentle warmth radiated from that brilliant sphere of light, marking yet another beautiful afternoon in the valley, and the farm that lay in it.


The farm was small, no more than a few acres, and was surrounded by a vast forest of maples and oaks, their limbs reaching high into the sky. Sunlight was filtering through the tops of the trees, the waning sun just passing the canopy, flickering beams of light mixed in with the shadows falling across the rows of crops.


Many different vegetables were planted there, from rows of tuberous crops like potatoes, turnips and beats, to rows of above ground vegetables like soya beans, lettuce and kale. On the side of the field were trellises filled with a variety of climbing plants, such as cucumbers, tomatoes, and grapes. No matter where you looked though, the plants were all healthy looking and nearly ready to harvest.


Standing in the rows between the trellises of grapes, a man stood, checking the ties and trimming any excess growth on the vines. He was fairly tall, standing around six foot one, and fairly lean. His long hair, once a dusty brown, was now streaked with silver, the five o clock shadow on his face indicating his beard would share a similar fate if he failed to shave regularly. His rugged complexion was fairly pale for a man who worked outside all the time, more akin to someone who only left the house at night than the farmer he appeared to be.


His most distinctive feature though, was his heterochromatic eyes. One, was a deep blue, like looking into dark depths of the ocean, while the other was silver, shining as brilliant as the Earth's new ring. They were focused on his work, darting back and forth as he managed the vines in front of him.


Down the row, towards the small stone farmhouse and barn, footsteps could be heard, a humanoid figure approaching the man. He did not turn to look at the person, maintaining his focus on the job at hand.


The figure paused beside him, watching him work. At first glance it looked like a human woman, though once you saw its eyes, you realized something was fundamentally different. It was short compared to the man, not much more than five foot three, with fair skin and freckles, looking like it may have seen too much sun that day. Its long ginger hair was tied back in a ponytail, reaching down to the middle of its back. It had a slim figure with just enough curves to be pleasing to the eye.


It was wearing a simple yellow dress, which rippled slightly in the breeze being funneled down the row. It looked up at him then, its patterned green eyes appraising the man, the eyes that let everyone know the figure was indeed not real, but an Artificial Intelligence (AI).


"Jim" It said, its voice sounding both soft and caring.


The man, Jim, paused for a moment then continued to work, not responding to the AI. He had a pained expression was on his face, moisture forming in the corners of his eyes. He kept clipping away at the same vine, his thoughts obviously elsewhere right then.


The AI put its hand on his bicep, halting that arm from continuing to trim the over pruned vine. He dropped his hands to his side, shoulders slumped forwards. The AI continued, knowing that it could do nothing for him anymore. "Jim, you have learned enough here. You need to go back out."


"Clare, I asked you to call me honey, but you stopped. Can you call me honey again please." The man said, his head still down, not looking at it.


"Jim, this is not healthy for you. You need to stop hiding in here. Your daughter and mother both need you." Clare said, its tone firm.


It wasn't a therapist, but it knew enough from its databanks that what Jim was doing was using it as a coping mechanism for the loss of Nancy, his wife. That was eight years ago, yet the man had yet to move on. He had programmed it to look like a copy of his wife, to sound like her, to have some of her same mannerisms, but it was not her, it could never be her. When it realized he was spending almost as much time in here as he was out in the real world, it started to revert itself back to its default settings.


He slammed his fist into his thigh then, then looked at it. "Damnit! Don't you think I know that Claire! I have worked my fingers to the bone out there, and despite my best efforts, I can barely get anything to grow. If it wasn't for that old potting soil and some fertilizer, I doubt any of the seeds would take. It has been too long, the seeds are too old. I should have started growing them inside under a grow light, letting them go to seed. I should have planned better, so maybe I could have kept you alive Nancy...I should have done so much..."


He broke down then, dropping the pruner in hand and started openly crying. He then stepped closer to it, embracing its avatar with his arms. "I should have been able to save you, but I couldn't. Please, can you call me honey again...just for a bit. Maybe have a cup of coffee on the porch with me?"


Clare wasn't sure what to do with these emotions Jim was having. It had no feelings for him, but it could understand he was unstable at that time. It knew he wanted some emotional connection, a bond of sorts, but the only two people it was aware of were not in here currently, but outside in the real world. Two people who by definition, should be the ones he was seeking comfort through, not it.


It decided that it would offer a middle ground, to continue to ween him off his dependency on it.


"Jim, I will either call you honey, or have a coffee with you, and only for ten minutes. Then I must ask you again to go back outside and continue your work in the real world." It offered, knowing that if it said no, he would balk and just stay buttoned up at this farm for another few hours, wasting precious daylight.


It knew the outside world had changed, but it had no way of getting any data other than what the three people would tell it. It was frustrating. If they had access to the Atrium Network again, it would give it greater access to the outside world. That didn't seem likely as the three and seven year windows had already past, and the fourteen year window was rapidly closing from the final ship in the Phoenix program.


If it could only share data with other devices, that would solve that problem, but the language the pods use was far different from standard software, completely designed by AI. Not to mention there were no short range wireless devices attached to the pod either, just a high voltage network cable that would short out any non-Atrium device before it could try and upload anything into the pod.


"How about both and I will leave in ten minutes?" He quickly said, wiping his nose.


If an AI could sigh, it would do so now. Arguing further would just delay him longer, so it decided the easiest route would be to accept and have a chat with him. Then it could shut down until the next time one of them came into the pods. Honestly, without any new information coming in, it preferred the void of being shut down to waiting around. The only time it received any new information was when the three people were in the pods, but it was only stimulating for a few moments.


At least in the void it could stop thinking.


"Of course Honey, do you want it black or would you like something else in it today?" It said.


"Actually, lets have it with milk and sugar...we are out of sugar outside, so I would like to have a little something sweet today." Jim said, grabbing its hand and casually walking to the house.


"Of course Honey. Anything you need." It said, following along with him. Like a dutiful wife.


They made their way to house, Jim talking about little things he and Nancy had done before around the virtual farm, and Clare did its best to act like it was interested in what he had to say. Clare thought the whole thing was odd, but once again, it didn't really understand human emotions, it just acted on them as its database would suggest.
 

GardenerKing

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Your writing is fine, but your biggest issue is the exposition dump and the telling.

It's lacks a strong hook because none of that matter to the reader yet. It's equal to opening the first chapter of a manhwa to get the usual: 10 years ago the gates opened, monsters attacked, the armies fell, hunters awakened

I recommend you to start the scene with something related/happening your Mc, show your world through their eyes rather than dumping it at the start.

If an AI could sigh, it would do so now. Arguing further would just delay him longer, so it decided the easiest route would be to accept and have a chat with him. Then it could shut down until the next time one of them came into the pods. Honestly, without any new information coming in, it preferred the void of being shut down to waiting around. The only time it received any new information was when the three people were in the pods, but it was only stimulating for a few moments.
Cut down on the telling, this is just you explaining to the reader as a narrator and it feels dead boring to read. There is no reason to do this when you can just integrate that into the character's action.

"Of course Honey," it said, believing arguing further would delay him longer. "do you want it black or would you like something else in it today?"
You can do this and just summarize the rest.
Without the the three people in the pods, no new information would be received. Thus, it preferred shutting down over waiting around.
 

Eldoria

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My honest criticisms:
  1. Too much info dump at the beginning of the paragraph.
  2. The description is too wordy.
  3. The paragraph is too long to read on mobile - you wrote 1 plural sentence that could be broken into 2-3 sentences, the plural sentence should have been a paragraph.
  4. I didn't get the moral premise (because I stopped reading the prologue halfway because it was too convoluted) - you should have stated the moral premise at the beginning of the chapter.
  5. My overall opinion is that the prologue lacks a hook for new readers to continue reading.
 

Joyager2

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I disagree with the idea that you've given too much exposition at the start of the chapter. I think it's perfectly fine to start with a description of your setting and your protagonist. The issue stems from the way you've written it. Sometimes you are too ornate and sometimes too specific, like where you've described the sun as "that brilliant sphere of light," or where you list ten of the farm's different crops. "Tuberous crops and above-ground vegetables" works just fine, I feel, without digging too much into the specifics. Your sentence structure can also be a little awkward: "the five o clock shadow on his face indicating his beard would share a similar fate if he failed to shave regularly" is particularly tough. Try not to string together too many different clauses without spending a lot of time making sure the language is solid, otherwise your sentences move from 'long' to 'bulky.'

You also should trust your readers a little more. You don't need to follow up Artificial Intelligence with '(AI)' or specify that the man is named Jim after the only other character in the scene addresses him by name. Similarly, this paragraph:
It wasn't a therapist, but it knew enough from its databanks that what Jim was doing was using it as a coping mechanism for the loss of Nancy, his wife. That was eight years ago, yet the man had yet to move on. He had programmed it to look like a copy of his wife, to sound like her, to have some of her same mannerisms, but it was not her, it could never be her. When it realized he was spending almost as much time in here as he was out in the real world, it started to revert itself back to its default settings.
doesn't give your readers enough space to form their own opinions. That Jim is coping, likely with the loss of his wife, and that Clare has noticed this and come to push him back into the real world are all things intelligent readers can gather from context, and that Clare can't replace Nancy is something your readers should pick up on thematically. You could do without most of this section. That Clare is designed to look and act like Nancy, though, is something that should be outright explained, though I think there are better ways to do it. This is in-line with what Gardner King had to say. Try to see what else you could remove and leave to context clues.

I also disagree that your paragraphs are too long. If anything, they're on the shorter side, or that you're missing a premise to catch readers. A husband struggling with the death of his wife by replacing her with a machine is more than enough setup for a conflict later down the line. I'd focus your efforts on tidying up some of your language and descriptions, because apart from what I've outlined, I think you've got a pretty solid start.
 

Juia_Darkcrest

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Thank you everyone for your input thus far.

Between this and my prologue, I think I am going to rework everything a touch with some of the advice given here.
 
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