This is my latest novel. I hope you all like it. It has been updated to Chapter 7 already.
https://www.scribblehub.com/series/1527860/apocalyptic-loot-my-x-drop-rate-system/
First Impressions:
Good news: your synopsis tells everyone the plot of your story. It looks good and full of passion. Bad news: it doesn't convey the quality.
It's giving me false expectations. The synopsis is very descriptive and dramatic, with long sentences. But then I open your novel, and it looks like the author turned ten years younger. As if they just sent in their first draft and called it a day.
I'll explain more below:
Thoughts on the Story:
The quality of your novel is... it has problems. You dump background info on us as if the reader's a landfill, and you've got a trashcan to empty.
You talk about Lin Zilou recalling his past life, but you don't write a flashback. You don't even write a simple one paragraph that summarizes it all up. You don't drip feed it to us and hint it with the details. Instead you ram it into us, without any description or showing, just explaining and monologuing for soooo long.
And even worse, all that stuff was already mentioned in the synopsis, and written
better. Why repeat it again?
Same with his actions after that. You give us very short descriptions about this Zilou guy going out. He finds a dagger under his bed, he meets his friend, but you don't show how exactly all that unfolds. Describe his room. Describe how the dagger looks like. Describe how he took it out, and where he put that on his person. Describe how he answers the call from his friend.
Anddd the reasoning.
Why does he go and kill his friend and gf? Why kill em when there's a literal apocalpyse coming, and there's more important things to worry about? Why kill em right now, and why not later in the middle of turmoil, so there's no chance of going to jail? How does he even plan to pull it off? It doesn't make sense.
And worse, it feels like you already know your own novel has these problems. But instead of actually trying to do something about them, you're trying to explain it as much as you can, so that the reader doesn't think the author's stupid.
But here's the thing: it doesn't matter. If you don't convince the reader of your reasoning through subtle hints and text, they will not believe you. No matter how much you scream that it does make sense, that this guy is actually cool and smart, if the story
feels like he's an idiot with anger issues unable to use complex sentences, it's useless.
In short: Show. Not tell.
Note: I think Tempokai influenced me. I find myself harsher than before, lmao. I hope this didn't discourage you, you're doing ok.
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