This is a first for me when it comes to writing, so feedback is much appreciated

[Yvex]

This is my first time writing anything serious and I really want to receive some more feedback as I have asked my friend for it and they said that it's not great it's not awful and idk that feedback just feels meh. But to be fair it's only 2 chapters so far I will say that.
Here's the link

 

[empalgepuk]

I can't help much at the moment because I'm traveling and I don't have access to a PC.

But I can help with some suggestions.

First, you have too-long paragraphs. Viewed from a phone, they become ten or even twenty lines long paragraphs.

You don't want that. Not in a webnovel. Because such walls of text are hard and tiresome to read and scroll.

The solutions are simple:
1. Shrink them. Remove redundant and yet to be relevant details. See if you could describe a thing with less words.
2. Split them into smaller pieces.

For example, your opening paragraph:

The first sound of the day, the roosters' crows, it's blaring, I should think of myself to be lucky that I'm much further away from them than I am. The first sight of the day, I see is the rising sun that peaks into my hut it's quite blinding to the point I have to shelter my eyes with the back of my right hand. The first smell of the day as I took my first step out of the hut with my right hand lifting the curtains, I smell... Something metallic and what is this awful scent? Ah, I slept in my armour and my sword is just next to my hut on the floor just to the right, this is quite disgusting, dried blood, flesh and sweat.

You'd repel most of your prospective readers with that huge block of text acting as an opening paragraph.

This is how I'd rewrite that:

Crows of roosters blare the first thing in the morning; good thing I'm so far away from them. Sunrise beams come into my hut, quite blinding to the point I have to shield my eyes with the back of my hand.

I smell... something metallic, and what the hell is this awful stench? Ah, I slept in my armour, and my sword is just next to my hut on the floor just to the right. Dried blood, flesh and sweat. Disgusting.

Apply the principles of shrinking paragraphs above and it could improve your chapters' readability. ;)

 

[Yvex]

I can't help much at the moment because I'm traveling and I don't have access to a PC.

But I can help with some suggestions.

First, you have too-long paragraphs. Viewed from a phone, they become ten or even twenty lines long paragraphs.

You don't want that. Not in a webnovel. Because such walls of text are hard and tiresome to read and scroll.

The solutions are simple:
1. Shrink them. Remove redundant and yet to be relevant details. See if you could describe a thing with less words.
2. Split them into smaller pieces.

For example, your opening paragraph:



You'd repel most of your prospective readers with that huge block of text acting as an opening paragraph.

This is how I'd rewrite that:



Apply the principles of shrinking paragraphs above and it could improve your chapters' readability. ;)

Ah thank you I think I understand that yea. Tbf when I did read over it personally I thought it was fine but I guess that can be quite too much for the opening and other times. I think just have a habit of over explaining. Thank you for the advice

 

[K_Nishi]

Feedback for the Author​

Hello! I’ve read your work, and I genuinely enjoyed it.
The emotional flow and the internal voice of Camilla are compelling, and the subtle distance between characters is handled very well.
Your writing leaves a strong impression even after finishing the chapter.
Below are some suggestions that might help enhance immersion and make the story feel even richer. I hope they’re helpful.

●1. Adding a bit more visual description could strengthen the characters​

Camilla’s feelings toward Cecilia come across clearly, but readers don’t yet have a vivid mental image of either character.

Even small additions such as:

• hair texture (wavy / straight)
• skin tone, overall atmosphere
• how their armor or clothes look after battle
• jewelry or accessories the princess wears

These details would help readers form a stronger connection with the characters.

●2. A bit of information on the medical level of this world would increase realism​

Since the story includes a cast (plaster cast), readers may wonder:

• What is the general level of medical technology?
• Are military surgeons common?
• Does magical healing exist? If so, why wasn’t Camilla treated this way?

A short explanation—just one or two sentences—would clarify the world and make the setting feel grounded.

●3. Clarifying how information travels in this world would strengthen worldbuilding​

The line that Camilla’s achievements “reached the Emperor” works, but readers naturally wonder how fast information spreads in this world.

• Do they use messenger birds?
• A system of runners?
• Magic communication stones available only to high-ranking officers?

Defining the communication method helps the empire feel more structured and believable.

Overall Thoughts​

Your story already excels in emotional tension, pacing, and character dynamics.
With a bit more “physical world information”—visual descriptions, medical context, communication systems—the immersion would deepen significantly.

I’m looking forward to reading more!

 

[Yvex]

Ah thank you I think I understand that yea. Tbf when I did read over it personally I thought it was fine but I guess that can be quite too much for the opening and other times. I think just have a habit of over explaining. Thank you for the advice

I forgot to add although I agree some parts need to be reduced in size but isn't description of the scene required to paint a better picture for the reader?

Feedback for the Author​

Hello! I’ve read your work, and I genuinely enjoyed it.
The emotional flow and the internal voice of Camilla are compelling, and the subtle distance between characters is handled very well.
Your writing leaves a strong impression even after finishing the chapter.
Below are some suggestions that might help enhance immersion and make the story feel even richer. I hope they’re helpful.

●1. Adding a bit more visual description could strengthen the characters​

Camilla’s feelings toward Cecilia come across clearly, but readers don’t yet have a vivid mental image of either character.

Even small additions such as:

• hair texture (wavy / straight)
• skin tone, overall atmosphere
• how their armor or clothes look after battle
• jewelry or accessories the princess wears

These details would help readers form a stronger connection with the characters.

●2. A bit of information on the medical level of this world would increase realism​

Since the story includes a cast (plaster cast), readers may wonder:

• What is the general level of medical technology?
• Are military surgeons common?
• Does magical healing exist? If so, why wasn’t Camilla treated this way?

A short explanation—just one or two sentences—would clarify the world and make the setting feel grounded.

●3. Clarifying how information travels in this world would strengthen worldbuilding​

The line that Camilla’s achievements “reached the Emperor” works, but readers naturally wonder how fast information spreads in this world.

• Do they use messenger birds?
• A system of runners?
• Magic communication stones available only to high-ranking officers?

Defining the communication method helps the empire feel more structured and believable.

Overall Thoughts​

Your story already excels in emotional tension, pacing, and character dynamics.
With a bit more “physical world information”—visual descriptions, medical context, communication systems—the immersion would deepen significantly.

I’m looking forward to reading more!

Yes thank you for the feedback, I totally agree with everything you've said. Definitely expanding on the small details and the missing information is required as it does feel something was missing when I read over my work. Thank you for feedback