The Succubus and The Maverick [LitRPG]

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Hey, I'm Dawn Moon and I'm in my late 20's.
I like to writing about paranormal, mystery, action, adventure, alt history, fantasy, sci-fi, and Lgbtqia topics.

Currently, my story has 16 chapters out and I would love some feedback

The Succubus and The Maverick [LitRPG]

5 Systems. 5 Royal Families. Greetings, Champion! 17 year-old, Collin Rex is a football player with a heart of gold. But his easygoing life is flipped upside-down when his older siblings fall into a mysterious coma and no one knows why. With no more tricks in their playbook Collin's parents...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[DismaiNaim]

I got about halfway through the prologue and lost interest.

Here's a few points:
- you start of with LOTS of info-dumping. Lots. It takes up all of your first few paragraphs. The problem is your audience doesn't have any context for all this information, so we're just going to forget it.

- there's no conflict. Ok so he's fighting someone named Phoebe, but why should your audience care?

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

Thx for the advice

 

[Cookiez_N_Potionz]

I fixed my Synopsis and I got rid of my prologue. Let me know what you think?

Also, can I get some feedback on my last two chapters?