The Possum with a keyboard is asking humans for feedback!

[ClosetPossum]

Hello, the Closet Possum here, I have a isekai story I'm writing and I'd like some honest reviews and feedback on it please. It's called "I Got Sent To Hell And Decided To Become A Demon Lord In Another World" I upload a new chapter nearly daily and recently I revised and revamped chapters 2-9 to better suit the integrity the later chapters have been showing.

I'm asking that if you like action/adventure, isekai, monster girls, ecchi, anti-heroes, and all that jazz, please give my story a chance and tell me what you think and leave a review! I really appreciate it guys.

Here's the synopsis:

A serial killer named Soda Kiyoshi gets cornered by the cops and falls into a great river and perishes but wakes up in Hell where he meets the great fallen angel known as Lucifer who then makes a deal with him. In another world ruled by humans where great imbalance of good outways evil. He is given a choice, to stay in Hell and suffer for his sins or be reborn into another world where he is given the task to become the next demon lord. He takes the deal and now is given a chance to restore the balance of evil into the world as the next Demon Lord Reborn. It’s up to him to liberate the monster kind from the so-called peace that plagues the land ruled by humans. Is he up to the task? If not he faces damnation in Hell for his failure. This is a story about a demon lord’s journey to bring about the second coming of the Demon Lord who has been absent for over a thousand years. This is how Demon Lord Tsubasa became the scourge and savior of the new world!

I Got Sent To Hell And Decided To Become Demon Lord In Another World

If you like my story consider subscribing to my Patreon for just $1 and get early access on all Chapters A serial killer named Soda Kiyoshi gets cornered by the cops and falls into a great river and perishes but wakes up in Hell where he meets the great fallen angel...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Corty]

Don't forget to also drop a link to your story, it helps people here as most of us are too lazy to search for it

 

[ClosetPossum]

Don't forget to also drop a link to your story, it helps people here as most of us are too lazy to search for it

thanks, added

Don't forget to also drop a link to your story, it helps people here as most of us are too lazy to search for it

by the way, how do I add my book in my comments, the signature?

 

[shawarma]

Click on your username on the top bar. There's a signature option that should get you to the right place.

 

[Tempokai]

I’ve read your first three chapters, and here’s the verdict: for what it is—“amateur first-draft gigabrain opossum writing”—it’s okay. It’s got energy, ambition, and a clear desire to tell a story, which is more than some can say. But when you put this thing under any sort of critical lens or apply higher standards, the whole structure collapses like a yet another mindless writing for writings' sake. Your opening chapters don’t just falter; they fail at every conceivable front, starting from the synopsis.

Let’s talk kairos, or context. This webnovel reads like it crawled out of 2020 Royal Road, dragging along every edgy trope that was popular enough at the time of the quarantine peak: OP antihero protagonists (staple of amateurs for some reason), demon lord ascensions (the hype died in 2021), vague RPG mechanics (which here don't work), and sexy demon sidekicks (everyone loves them, but here's it's just a bland trope). But here’s the catch—it doesn’t just use these tropes; it recycles them without offering anything new, even worse still, the premise revolves around a serial killer protagonist (murderhobo), and you give us zero reason to root for this guy. There’s no philosophical depth, no redemption arc hinted at, no moral complexity. Just an edgelord stabbing people and yelling, “Humans bad!” That might fly with a small subset of 15-18-year-old readers who also think Death Note would’ve been cooler if Light was less clever and more stab-happy, but for anyone outside that demographic? Meh.

Now let’s dissect Chapter 1, which is, and I say this with love, an abject failure in character likeability. Soda, your protagonist, isn’t just morally reprehensible (which can work for the right kind of antihero); he’s boring. He delivers generic monologues about how humanity is a “blight” (which reads like it was taken from the 2010s Edgelord Maker Starterpack) and then proceeds to gleefully murder people without a shred of depth or introspection, which could've worked if you pushed even further FOR SATIRE PURPOSES. It’s all edge, no substance. The job of the storyteller is to make readers feel something—love, hate, fear, pity—but your melodrama and logical gaps leave the reader with just one emotion: apathy.

Let’s dig into logos, persuasion-wise, because Chapter 1 is like a masterclass in how not to convince your audience. First, you ask us to empathize with a serial killer whose only justification for his actions is “the world is a cesspool.” That’s not a moral philosophy; that’s a bad Tumblr post from 2012. Then, you present a gang that’s supposedly punishing evil, but they end up looking just as bad as the people they’re killing, go to murder innocents as “collateral damage” and betray each other without batting an eye. There’s no internal logic or consistency to their actions, making it impossible to buy into their so-called “justice.” Readers aren’t stupid; they’ll pick up on these contradictions, and unless they’re hardcore fans of mindless gore, they’ll tap out before Chapter 2.

Chapters 2 and 3 scream "late-teen edgelord manifesto," with grimdark settings and a snarky demon sidekick that thinks it's the pinnacle of wit. Writing for a niche is fine, but aim higher if broader appeal matters. Emotional resonance? Missing. The chapters feel self-indulgent, and the world-building—Hell as a goth theme park? Really?—is derivative at best. The humor tries too hard, and the RPG mechanics are shoehorned in like a clunky PowerPoint nobody asked for. Instead of immersive storytelling, you're just shouting, "Cool, right?"

Then there’s the technical carnage. Typos abound, grammar collapses, and the prose stumbles like it’s wearing mismatched shoes. Pacing? All over the place. A story doesn’t need to be flawless, but this level of error feels less “work in progress” and more “teen angst diary.” Add in the shallow glorification of evil and zero critical nuance, and it’s clear the implied author is stuck in that phase™—you know, black hoodie, "down with society" doodles, and the mistaken belief that moral ambiguity equals gratuitous murder with a laugh track.

The real issue isn’t the typos or derivative world-building—it’s character likeability. Readers don’t need a saint, but they do need someone to root for—or against. Soda is neither. He’s unsympathetic, uncompelling, and not even clever. He exists solely to deliver cringey monologues and murder his way through the plot with no goal or depth. If you turn off your brain, it’s almost tolerable. But that, paired with nonsensical world-building, leaves readers incapable of caring.

Want to improve? Start with storytelling 101. Craft a protagonist who hooks the audience—even a murderhobo can be engaging. Learn to blend world-building into the story without grinding the plot to a halt. Persuade readers that the stakes matter, the actions make sense, and the story is worth their time. Right now, your work alienates anyone not already enamored with amateur tropes and unearned edge.

Take a breath, grab a red pen, and start editing. Your future readers will thank you.

 

[ClosetPossum]

I’ve read your first three chapters, and here’s the verdict: for what it is—“amateur first-draft gigabrain opossum writing”—it’s okay. It’s got energy, ambition, and a clear desire to tell a story, which is more than some can say. But when you put this thing under any sort of critical lens or apply higher standards, the whole structure collapses like a yet another mindless writing for writings' sake. Your opening chapters don’t just falter; they fail at every conceivable front, starting from the synopsis.

Let’s talk kairos, or context. This webnovel reads like it crawled out of 2020 Royal Road, dragging along every edgy trope that was popular enough at the time of the quarantine peak: OP antihero protagonists (staple of amateurs for some reason), demon lord ascensions (the hype died in 2021), vague RPG mechanics (which here don't work), and sexy demon sidekicks (everyone loves them, but here's it's just a bland trope). But here’s the catch—it doesn’t just use these tropes; it recycles them without offering anything new, even worse still, the premise revolves around a serial killer protagonist (murderhobo), and you give us zero reason to root for this guy. There’s no philosophical depth, no redemption arc hinted at, no moral complexity. Just an edgelord stabbing people and yelling, “Humans bad!” That might fly with a small subset of 15-18-year-old readers who also think Death Note would’ve been cooler if Light was less clever and more stab-happy, but for anyone outside that demographic? Meh.

Now let’s dissect Chapter 1, which is, and I say this with love, an abject failure in character likeability. Soda, your protagonist, isn’t just morally reprehensible (which can work for the right kind of antihero); he’s boring. He delivers generic monologues about how humanity is a “blight” (which reads like it was taken from the 2010s Edgelord Maker Starterpack) and then proceeds to gleefully murder people without a shred of depth or introspection, which could've worked if you pushed even further FOR SATIRE PURPOSES. It’s all edge, no substance. The job of the storyteller is to make readers feel something—love, hate, fear, pity—but your melodrama and logical gaps leave the reader with just one emotion: apathy.

Let’s dig into logos, persuasion-wise, because Chapter 1 is like a masterclass in how not to convince your audience. First, you ask us to empathize with a serial killer whose only justification for his actions is “the world is a cesspool.” That’s not a moral philosophy; that’s a bad Tumblr post from 2012. Then, you present a gang that’s supposedly punishing evil, but they end up looking just as bad as the people they’re killing, go to murder innocents as “collateral damage” and betray each other without batting an eye. There’s no internal logic or consistency to their actions, making it impossible to buy into their so-called “justice.” Readers aren’t stupid; they’ll pick up on these contradictions, and unless they’re hardcore fans of mindless gore, they’ll tap out before Chapter 2.

Chapters 2 and 3 scream "late-teen edgelord manifesto," with grimdark settings and a snarky demon sidekick that thinks it's the pinnacle of wit. Writing for a niche is fine, but aim higher if broader appeal matters. Emotional resonance? Missing. The chapters feel self-indulgent, and the world-building—Hell as a goth theme park? Really?—is derivative at best. The humor tries too hard, and the RPG mechanics are shoehorned in like a clunky PowerPoint nobody asked for. Instead of immersive storytelling, you're just shouting, "Cool, right?"

Then there’s the technical carnage. Typos abound, grammar collapses, and the prose stumbles like it’s wearing mismatched shoes. Pacing? All over the place. A story doesn’t need to be flawless, but this level of error feels less “work in progress” and more “teen angst diary.” Add in the shallow glorification of evil and zero critical nuance, and it’s clear the implied author is stuck in that phase™—you know, black hoodie, "down with society" doodles, and the mistaken belief that moral ambiguity equals gratuitous murder with a laugh track.

The real issue isn’t the typos or derivative world-building—it’s character likeability. Readers don’t need a saint, but they do need someone to root for—or against. Soda is neither. He’s unsympathetic, uncompelling, and not even clever. He exists solely to deliver cringey monologues and murder his way through the plot with no goal or depth. If you turn off your brain, it’s almost tolerable. But that, paired with nonsensical world-building, leaves readers incapable of caring.

Want to improve? Start with storytelling 101. Craft a protagonist who hooks the audience—even a murderhobo can be engaging. Learn to blend world-building into the story without grinding the plot to a halt. Persuade readers that the stakes matter, the actions make sense, and the story is worth their time. Right now, your work alienates anyone not already enamored with amateur tropes and unearned edge.

Take a breath, grab a red pen, and start editing. Your future readers will thank you.

The Possum thanks you for your honest brutality. I should clarify that these are edgy teenage punk hooligans who don't think too much with their brains and go around killing people thinking their way is the right way. I do need to work on this story more. Thank you for your feedback. I do like the way my story is going. I do not doubt that this is self-indulgent isekai trash. You only read the first 3 chapters, I'd hope it gets better as the story progress, after all I spent a few days revising chapters 2 - 10. I really do need to find a way to make the story better. Seriously thank you for your honesty. The possum is happy!

I write my story on feelings alone and I don't put much past it. How the dialogue and story writes out is just based on my personal likability. I don't suppose you know how I can make Soda and his Legion more compelling characters would you? I really do enjoy them as MCs

 

[CharlesEBrown]

The Possum thanks you for your honest brutality. I should clarify that these are edgy teenage punk hooligans who don't think too much with their brains and go around killing people thinking their way is the right way.

If that's the goal, there is a "masterwork" you could reference for how to do it already in print - A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess.