The First Chapter of A New Series=Pt. 1

[YeshuasHeart]

Tell me what do you think of the first part of my new chapter? What needs to be improved?

 

[Zirrboy]

Does the transformation need clear view of the sky?

 

[ARedFox]

This may come off as nitpicky, and I am sorry for that. Overall it’s great.

Spoiler: Stuff

My biggest issues come from a lack of material. Chapter 1 provides so little information while having a lot happen. It raises questions and issues that just go unanswered making it hard to rate a story.

I had no issues with grammar.

While definitely attention grabbing, I can’t say I’m the biggest fan of starting with gunfire immediately. That could just be me.

Aside from that I had some questions that needed answering or at least addressing. Not in a direct response but rather in the story.

Where’s the teachers/professors? You would think there would be one around. Where are the other kids? No one’s screaming or trying to sprint away?

How did she end up alone and somehow unable to either escape or barricade in a room? Was she always on a stairwell with a door or did she move there? Perhaps a chapter before this with better/more descriptions of location and movement would help with this and the whole teacher/student thing.

Why did the terrorists decide 1 girl was worth 2 people with machine guns chasing? How did the terrorists get machine guns and why are they using them instead of a less bulky gun and potentially more accurate gun? Is it even a machine gun or is it just that Hanna doesn’t know guns? I just can’t picture people only using machine guns.

Are cops coming? Why did she wait so long to transform? To me she had all this time yet she ran away to transform later. She put her life in danger for a reason that just hasn’t been explained.

 

[IsseiVeskitos]

Good

 

[YeshuasHeart]

This may come off as nitpicky, and I am sorry for that. Overall it’s great.

Spoiler: Stuff

My biggest issues come from a lack of material. Chapter 1 provides so little information while having a lot happen. It raises questions and issues that just go unanswered making it hard to rate a story.

I had no issues with grammar.

While definitely attention grabbing, I can’t say I’m the biggest fan of starting with gunfire immediately. That could just be me.

Aside from that I had some questions that needed answering or at least addressing. Not in a direct response but rather in the story.

Where’s the teachers/professors? You would think there would be one around. Where are the other kids? No one’s screaming or trying to sprint away?

How did she end up alone and somehow unable to either escape or barricade in a room? Was she always on a stairwell with a door or did she move there? Perhaps a chapter before this with better/more descriptions of location and movement would help with this and the whole teacher/student thing.

Why did the terrorists decide 1 girl was worth 2 people with machine guns chasing? How did the terrorists get machine guns and why are they using them instead of a less bulky gun and potentially more accurate gun? Is it even a machine gun or is it just that Hanna doesn’t know guns? I just can’t picture people only using machine guns.

Are cops coming? Why did she wait so long to transform? To me she had all this time yet she ran away to transform later. She put her life in danger for a reason that just hasn’t been explained.

Can a protagonist go to the bathroom from her classroom in the beginning of the story? Does that count as attention grabbing in the story? I'm rewriting my first chapter and present it to you later.

 

[ARedFox]

Truthfully, I don’t know. I don’t think there’s any rule with how you have to start a story. And the start you have is completely fine. It’s such a minor thing that she could just mention it in conversation in a later chapter or not mention it at all. Something as simple as “Luckily I was going to the bathroom and could escape through the halls” would work (preferably more refined). It just hit me as strange for her to be all alone with no one else around besides terrorists.

 

[YeshuasHeart]

Truthfully, I don’t know. I don’t think there’s any rule with how you have to start a story. And the start you have is completely fine. It’s such a minor thing that she could just mention it in conversation in a later chapter or not mention it at all. Something as simple as “Luckily I was going to the bathroom and could escape through the halls” would work (preferably more refined). It just hit me as strange for her to be all alone with no one else around besides terrorists.

Just finished rewriting part 1 of my first chapter. What do you think?

 

[ARedFox]

I don’t think it’s either really an improvement or a degrading. Simply different. Again, completely good writing. Better than I could do. Just minor refinements.

The line about most teachers and students being in home room is kinda redundant. Home room implies that most of the teachers will be in their rooms and so will the kids. Obviously a very small thing.

Also strange that the cops are there instantly. Based on timing, the terrorism should have started recently. Cops don’t even need to show up till this is all over or almost over. Just mentioned it previously cause there’s no more chapters and they will need to appear at some point in the future. It’s too strange to have no government agency appear after an act of terrorism.

The dialog/inner thoughts also feel a little worse than than the previous rendition. If I had to put it in words, the previous version felt like a normal girl trying her best to be a hero. This one feels more like the girl is a more the embodiment of a hero, which comes off as a little more unrealistic/fake.

Overall I like it slightly less if only because I place character development and depth higher than other things. However, I am just one of many readers who all have different opinions. And our opinions are less important than your own for your story. Write it how you wish and enjoy it as you wish. It’s yours.

 

[YeshuasHeart]

I don’t think it’s either really an improvement or a degrading. Simply different. Again, completely good writing. Better than I could do. Just minor refinements.

The line about most teachers and students being in home room is kinda redundant. Home room implies that most of the teachers will be in their rooms and so will the kids. Obviously a very small thing.

Also strange that the cops are there instantly. Based on timing, the terrorism should have started recently. Cops don’t even need to show up till this is all over or almost over. Just mentioned it previously cause there’s no more chapters and they will need to appear at some point in the future. It’s too strange to have no government agency appear after an act of terrorism.

The dialog/inner thoughts also feel a little worse than than the previous rendition. If I had to put it in words, the previous version felt like a normal girl trying her best to be a hero. This one feels more like the girl is a more the embodiment of a hero, which comes off as a little more unrealistic/fake.

Overall I like it slightly less if only because I place character development and depth higher than other things. However, I am just one of many readers who all have different opinions. And our opinions are less important than your own for your story. Write it how you wish and enjoy it as you wish. It’s yours.

Where do I put the government agency appear this chapter? How do I make her character develop and go in depth?

 

[ARedFox]

The agency doesn’t need to appear in this chapter. It just needs to appear at some point at the end of this school terrorism event.

As for depth, it’s showing thoughts and emotions. In the first version, there are moments where she has to psych herself up like “C’mon Hanna. You can do it. Just open the door…” It feels more real because she’s showing her emotions. She has and shows nervousness/fear. Same with her having to swallow her own saliva. So while she does say she’s gotta save the school, she’s also just another teenage girl. She’s not some battle hardened person capable of staying calm and confident in a potentially deadly situation.

In the second one she feels more like what you think of when you think of a hero. But a hero isn’t a very relatable or real personality. She remarks/thinks a few different times she’s going to save the school and essentially nothing else. The comforting scene also doesn’t help. Her only real non-heroic thoughts in the second version are the eek at the beginning, cursing Jonah, and the remark she makes about another set of terrorists. Here she feels more like she’s just the main character in an average superhero story.

It’s not wrong to have write her in that way. It’s just something to keep in mind. If you plan on making more chapters those could be used to develope her personality further. Or don’t. It’s not necessary.

And again, you could totally put your story out as is. It’s already better than the majority of stuff out there. Try to get more feedback. My thoughts and ideas are far from perfect.

Finally, all the things I bring up don’t have to be addressed in 1 chapter. If you are writing a story you have way more potential chapters to figure things out and develop characters and plot