The Dark Rabbit Origins (Sci-fi Novel)

[Kronos01]

Hi all please check out my novel seven chapters published see synopsis below and direct link to my story.

The Dark Rabbit Origins follows Elias, a bright scientist who discovers the truth about the strange energy Ethereon, which powers the immortality of Vastion Prime's totalitarian ruler, the Architect. As Elias investigates further, he discovers that the energy is being taken from innocent citizens, creating immense suffering. Elias is betrayed and experimented on, and he transforms into the Dark Rabbit, a powerful and horrific creature. Elias, torn between his humanity and the terrible force within him, joins the resistance to overthrow the Architect's corrupt dictatorship. However, as the insurrection grows, Elias must confront the darker side of his authority and the personal cost of his revolution.

The Dark Rabbit Origins

The Dark Rabbit Origins follows Elias, a bright scientist who discovers the truth about the strange energy Ethereon, which powers the immortality of Vastion Prime's totalitarian ruler, the Architect. As Elias investigates further, he discovers that the energy is being taken from innocent...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[DismaiNaim]

My personal opinion, the phrasing could use some polish. There are a lot of instances where I think maybe you felt like you needed to spell things out for the reader, but it drags the pacing.

One example: it's 3:47 am, and the next sentence says "another late night well I to the morning" or something like that. You could have left off at 3:47 am, and the rest would be understood. Another example, Elias talks to "computer" and then "the AI responds" with cold indifference.

A lot of these things can be inferred. I want to feel what the MC feels. I want their elation to be my elation. This should be a powerful emotional moment, and I don't get that here

 

[Kronos01]

My personal opinion, the phrasing could use some polish. There are a lot of instances where I think maybe you felt like you needed to spell things out for the reader, but it drags the pacing.

One example: it's 3:47 am, and the next sentence says "another late night well I to the morning" or something like that. You could have left off at 3:47 am, and the rest would be understood. Another example, Elias talks to "computer" and then "the AI responds" with cold indifference.

A lot of these things can be inferred. I want to feel what the MC feels. I want their elation to be my elation. This should be a powerful emotional moment, and I don't get that here

Thanks I appreciate the feedback.