Story Summary Length

[Deleted member 165068]

I'm restarting a story concept over I had with a completely new direction and I feel like I originally failed in the promise of what my first story summary presented. Not sure if I should cut back or add more because I'm the type, for at least summary pages, that likes to try to get to the point to draw people in.

This is what I have right now:

Terra Morte was a simple RPG video game created by a goddess. Her name was Hellen and she used it as a testing ground for mortals. When it was ready, her will overlapped it onto the Earth replacing the modern world with a dangerous planet filled with monsters and dungeons. William was just a child when this occurred, but in the time since, he eked out a life in Bird's Eye as an office worker in one of the last cities of the modern world. His life remained a happy one alongside his new girlfriend Elen until a raid destroyed their tranquility, murdering them both and awakening powers in them for one purpose; to kill Hellen.

Story Concept

 

[CharlesEBrown]

Unless the story starts before the Overlay, or whatever it is called, I don't think you need to mention the goddess Hellen at all - just start with "William was just a child when the RPG video game Terra Morte overlapped the real world, turning it into a dangerous place filled with monsters and dungeons. Now an adult, he ekes out a living as an office worker in one of the last remaining cities of the original world, living with his girlfriend Elen. Their life was happy until a raid upended it, a raid that should have killed them both. But, instead, they have reawakened with newfound powers and a new purpose - to find and destroy the goddess who created Terra Morte."

 

[melchi]

It is mostly passive which is not great.

The synopsis should answer the question: "What's this story about?"

The finer details don't really need to be there.