Soo, any thoughts, critique or feedback for the following?

[HellsPerfectSpawn]

Creature Feature

Be careful what you wish for, for you might just get it. Now that Av Sine has got his thoughtless wish granted and has been reborn as the seed of a cosmic horror, he finds himself not quite able to stomach what his new instincts are urging him to do....

www.scribblehub.com

It's about 17k ish words. Anyone taking time out for this is a right gentleman. Much obliged.

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Creature Feature

Be careful what you wish for, for you might just get it. Now that Av Sine has got his thoughtless wish granted and has been reborn as the seed of a cosmic horror, he finds himself not quite able to stomach what his new instincts are urging him to do....

www.scribblehub.com

It's about 17k ish words. Anyone taking time out for this is a right gentleman. Much obliged.

This looks familiar. Was this one of my "first chapter reviews" I was giving to others...?

I'll review first chapters... ?

I'm not going to post anything until the series bugs work themselves out and I'm back in good standing again, so I'll read for a bit here. I'll look at your first chapters and give completely honest, professional evaluations on: Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading? Are the characters...

forum.scribblehub.com

 

[HellsPerfectSpawn]

I don't believe so

This looks familiar. Was this one of my "first chapter reviews" I was giving to others...?

I'll review first chapters... ?

I'm not going to post anything until the series bugs work themselves out and I'm back in good standing again, so I'll read for a bit here. I'll look at your first chapters and give completely honest, professional evaluations on: Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading? Are the characters...

forum.scribblehub.com

This looks familiar. Was this one of my "first chapter reviews" I was giving to others...?

I'll review first chapters... ?

I'm not going to post anything until the series bugs work themselves out and I'm back in good standing again, so I'll read for a bit here. I'll look at your first chapters and give completely honest, professional evaluations on: Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading? Are the characters...

forum.scribblehub.com

 

[LeilaniOtter]

I don't believe so

Oh, okay, I do apologize then.
I can do that if you want to send me a private message about it.

 

[HellsPerfectSpawn]

Oh, okay, I do apologize then.
I can do that if you want to send me a private message about it.

I'd be supremely grateful

 

[LeilaniOtter]

Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?

I’m a huge horror fan so I was absolutely entranced right away, from the way the prologue took shape, allowing a reincarnation (and probably the old adage “be careful what you wish for”) through this mysterious ethereal world, through the end of the first chapter, where the main protagonist Av Sine (once Adam White) demonstrates his monstrous nature, very brutally, upon every errant townsperson he comes across, after a terrible war has been waged in the village. Everything was smooth as silk, the writing popped, Ugh, I loved it all!

Are the characters standing out?

Adam/Av appears to be nothing more than a Lovecraftian nightmare bent on pure hunger but the writer has blessed us with being able to get into the monster’s mind, and realize there just might be a method to the madness. Good horror has to be able to grip us, so that we’re forced into the author’s world, unwillingly, and forced to use our senses as the writer has implemented – and this is done with stellar accuracy here. We’re not just seeing a nightmare; we’re inside its head, inside its mouth, looking at its eyes, etc. The characterization for a hideous demonic beast like this, and getting the reader to FEEL something… this is something you just don’t see often. It’s a testament to how great a writer this person is.


Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?

I’m torn. I’d love very much to click to the next chapter, but I’m curious how much gorier this gets. I just watched this monstrosity shift into a casual, ordinary dog, and then crawl into a dead princess’ vagina, and then reanimate it…

Oh, what the hell?

*clicks Next* *^^*


How is the pacing?

The pacing is, in a word, perfect. I’m seeing a comfortable shift between reincarnation, to realization, to pure horror in the village, and it runs as smoothly as a Swiss timepiece. Time flows perfectly.

How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?

Unquestionably. The sights, the sounds, the smells, everything is spelled out, not too detailed, and just enough to titillate the reader’s senses one after the other. The details are sparse about the monster, and that’s fine, because our imagination can come into play. But I LOVED the subtle use of the monster’s description, the way it dispatched its prey, etc. Brilliant. We have also just enough details to see that something horrible has happened to this village, and this is illustrated very nicely as well.


Grammar/Spelling:

Apart from one or two typos, all good. And these are typos anyone could miss if they weren’t a stickler like me. *^^*

Strengths:

This has it all, and it all works beautifully. Characters, dialogue, description, pacing, story, etc. If this had come to my desk when I was a literary agent, I would have already contacted DAW Books. *^^* I can see why it already has 100 readers after only SIX chapters. (and folks, that is a HUGE feat!)

Weaknesses:


I….really didn’t see anything. I honestly think I’ve seen the best I’ve read so far. This is like HP Lovecraft had a great-grandchild, and it’s this author. *^^* It’s perfect.

Overall, a solid A+ *^^* (and every horror fan should be reading this right now.) ?

 

[HellsPerfectSpawn]

Content: Am I enjoying what I'm reading?

I’m a huge horror fan so I was absolutely entranced right away, from the way the prologue took shape, allowing a reincarnation (and probably the old adage “be careful what you wish for”) through this mysterious ethereal world, through the end of the first chapter, where the main protagonist Av Sine (once Adam White) demonstrates his monstrous nature, very brutally, upon every errant townsperson he comes across, after a terrible war has been waged in the village. Everything was smooth as silk, the writing popped, Ugh, I loved it all!

Are the characters standing out?

Adam/Av appears to be nothing more than a Lovecraftian nightmare bent on pure hunger but the writer has blessed us with being able to get into the monster’s mind, and realize there just might be a method to the madness. Good horror has to be able to grip us, so that we’re forced into the author’s world, unwillingly, and forced to use our senses as the writer has implemented – and this is done with stellar accuracy here. We’re not just seeing a nightmare; we’re inside its head, inside its mouth, looking at its eyes, etc. The characterization for a hideous demonic beast like this, and getting the reader to FEEL something… this is something you just don’t see often. It’s a testament to how great a writer this person is.


Does the chapter ending make me want to click "Next"?

I’m torn. I’d love very much to click to the next chapter, but I’m curious how much gorier this gets. I just watched this monstrosity shift into a casual, ordinary dog, and then crawl into a dead princess’ vagina, and then reanimate it…

Oh, what the hell?

*clicks Next* *^^*


How is the pacing?

The pacing is, in a word, perfect. I’m seeing a comfortable shift between reincarnation, to realization, to pure horror in the village, and it runs as smoothly as a Swiss timepiece. Time flows perfectly.

How is the world-building and do you have a grasp on what you're trying to create?

Unquestionably. The sights, the sounds, the smells, everything is spelled out, not too detailed, and just enough to titillate the reader’s senses one after the other. The details are sparse about the monster, and that’s fine, because our imagination can come into play. But I LOVED the subtle use of the monster’s description, the way it dispatched its prey, etc. Brilliant. We have also just enough details to see that something horrible has happened to this village, and this is illustrated very nicely as well.


Grammar/Spelling:

Apart from one or two typos, all good. And these are typos anyone could miss if they weren’t a stickler like me. *^^*

Strengths:

This has it all, and it all works beautifully. Characters, dialogue, description, pacing, story, etc. If this had come to my desk when I was a literary agent, I would have already contacted DAW Books. *^^* I can see why it already has 100 readers after only SIX chapters. (and folks, that is a HUGE feat!)

Weaknesses:


I….really didn’t see anything. I honestly think I’ve seen the best I’ve read so far. This is like HP Lovecraft had a great-grandchild, and it’s this author. *^^* It’s perfect.

Overall, a solid A+ *^^* (and every horror fan should be reading this right now.) ?

Aww shucks, you'll make me blush. Thank you for taking the time to look over it and give me some feedback

 

[smartpants6]

As a fellow horror smut author and a gentleman myself,

I would love to review your writing!

Here are my thoughts:

Prologue:
The word "musings" makes me feel the character is educated; I suppose it's a well-know word, but you get what I mean.
I can really feel the rant with the long sentences here.
And nice rhetorical question to close it all out.
"...until you have nothing left to offer" That sounds to me like we're offering stuff to them (the someone), but I feel like you meant that they have nothing left to offer?
"Did he resent them for abandoning him to slowly wither away, with not a friendly face to visit for months on end? Of course." I feel like you could space this out more and it would hit harder. I like to think spaces make people pause as they scan the page, and pauses add tension to a line.
"His musings shattered as..." You're saying his focus got disrupted by an "attack" of sorts, right? It took me a re-read to catch that. I think it would read better if you made it a single sentence and spaced it a bit.
"The ethereal being in front of them was vast beyond reckoning, easily dwarfing entire superclusters. In fact, it was almost trivially easy to mistake it 'her' for a curiously shaped nebula instead." I feel like you're intellectualizing this when you're putting out the immense size of this being. When a ghost shows up in a mirror, for example, most people don't sit around thinking "It wispful, see-through nature of this person peering through the mirror at me looked almost be ethereal" or something. (That was a very ridiculous example, and I am not trying to be patronizing, but you get what I mean?) People don't tend to intellectualize. They just respond more with bodily responses (which may be difficult since he has no body XD) and just intense WTFs and such. If something's uncanny, people may think, though.
Or did I understand and our character did not respond with shock to such a massive creature and was just strangely peaceful? If so, then I trust your judgement, my friend :)
I can feel his trauma in that last wish.

Chapter 1:
There's a lot of fast action at the beginning here, right? I feel like it would feel more urgent if you made the sentences shorter and more cutting.
"Stepping on dry land was a curious amorphous veiny blob of flesh about the size of a small animal which was randomly shifting colours and textures." Suddenly shifting into third person objective from third person limited feels off to me. I had to re-read. Perhaps you could describe his body from his perspective instead? Or maybe he sees himself in a shiny object's reflection? Could add more unease to the scene.
You describe him wanting to assimilate corpses but how does he know that's the urge yet? I mean, is it like an intrusive thought?
"The energy and effort he would waste trying to get to these badly charred corpses would not be worth the meagre amounts of biomass he would acquire from it." How does he know?? XD I suppose it comes innate?
Well, he naturally can make himself into a rock, so I suppose it makes sense.
Wait, so he has an arsenal of tricks and we weren't told yet?
How does it feel to send barbs through people's brains? XD Fun imagery. I like it.
Ooh!! I like the detached feel. Suggestion: Add more parasitic descriptions.
I would have loved to see their memories, but I suppose detached narration works too. Depends on what you want, after all.
"With a soft squelching sound, it popped open to launch two needle thin tendrils, no thicker than a hair but harder than steel through their carotid arteries and into their brains." This is so much better! You should do the earlier stuff like this. It feels more visceral and real. The more precise descriptions make me a little queesy.
How can he be sure they're corpses? Maybe describe how their eyes look lifeless or something?
Good characterization.
I love the dramatic irony too.
Thought: if you stretch out the scene where they feel safe (and hint at an attack, but never make one until later), it might make the reader wonder constantly when the attack will begin, making them anxious. (That or it could mess up the atmosphere and make people bored, so it depends how you do it, I guess.)
"his genitalia which had reshaped itself into a poor mimicry of a vagina" I love this so much!! Only critique I have is I would have liked more screams and maybe even a description of how the blood splurt out in pulses.
Love the internal monologue and feeling of being trapped back in his old life but in a new form.
In terms of harem smut, I really love the idea that a little bit of him becomes a part of the girl and that also there's an earned reason for her to come along with him or be revived. Really nice touch and interesting concept!

Chapter 2:
"melancholy reverie" melancholic reverie*
"something sharp and clean, like the air after a lightning strike." Love this line :)
I feel like the place should have seemed more charred in places, right?
This was a smooth read. I almost feel like it could have benefited from more character development, but I understand she was trying to escape now. Was she awoken partly by these new men coming in? Maybe mentioning the sound shortly after she woke up would have been good.

Anyway, these are my "stream of consciousness"-like thoughts. I hope they helped and I hope I didn't misunderstand anything too much :) You've got a promising story here! This is one of the better writings on Scribblehub, and I really, really enjoyed reading it. Actually, I was so impressed that I gave me you a shoutout in my latest chapter!

 

[HellsPerfectSpawn]

Cheers, fellow gentleman, much obliged.

As a fellow horror smut author and a gentleman myself,

I would love to review your writing!

Here are my thoughts:

Prologue:
The word "musings" makes me feel the character is educated; I suppose it's a well-know word, but you get what I mean.
I can really feel the rant with the long sentences here.
And nice rhetorical question to close it all out.
"...until you have nothing left to offer" That sounds to me like we're offering stuff to them (the someone), but I feel like you meant that they have nothing left to offer?
"Did he resent them for abandoning him to slowly wither away, with not a friendly face to visit for months on end? Of course." I feel like you could space this out more and it would hit harder. I like to think spaces make people pause as they scan the page, and pauses add tension to a line.
"His musings shattered as..." You're saying his focus got disrupted by an "attack" of sorts, right? It took me a re-read to catch that. I think it would read better if you made it a single sentence and spaced it a bit.
"The ethereal being in front of them was vast beyond reckoning, easily dwarfing entire superclusters. In fact, it was almost trivially easy to mistake it 'her' for a curiously shaped nebula instead." I feel like you're intellectualizing this when you're putting out the immense size of this being. When a ghost shows up in a mirror, for example, most people don't sit around thinking "It wispful, see-through nature of this person peering through the mirror at me looked almost be ethereal" or something. (That was a very ridiculous example, and I am not trying to be patronizing, but you get what I mean?) People don't tend to intellectualize. They just respond more with bodily responses (which may be difficult since he has no body XD) and just intense WTFs and such. If something's uncanny, people may think, though.
Or did I understand and our character did not respond with shock to such a massive creature and was just strangely peaceful? If so, then I trust your judgement, my friend :)
I can feel his trauma in that last wish.

Chapter 1:
There's a lot of fast action at the beginning here, right? I feel like it would feel more urgent if you made the sentences shorter and more cutting.
"Stepping on dry land was a curious amorphous veiny blob of flesh about the size of a small animal which was randomly shifting colours and textures." Suddenly shifting into third person objective from third person limited feels off to me. I had to re-read. Perhaps you could describe his body from his perspective instead? Or maybe he sees himself in a shiny object's reflection? Could add more unease to the scene.
You describe him wanting to assimilate corpses but how does he know that's the urge yet? I mean, is it like an intrusive thought?
"The energy and effort he would waste trying to get to these badly charred corpses would not be worth the meagre amounts of biomass he would acquire from it." How does he know?? XD I suppose it comes innate?
Well, he naturally can make himself into a rock, so I suppose it makes sense.
Wait, so he has an arsenal of tricks and we weren't told yet?
How does it feel to send barbs through people's brains? XD Fun imagery. I like it.
Ooh!! I like the detached feel. Suggestion: Add more parasitic descriptions.
I would have loved to see their memories, but I suppose detached narration works too. Depends on what you want, after all.
"With a soft squelching sound, it popped open to launch two needle thin tendrils, no thicker than a hair but harder than steel through their carotid arteries and into their brains." This is so much better! You should do the earlier stuff like this. It feels more visceral and real. The more precise descriptions make me a little queesy.
How can he be sure they're corpses? Maybe describe how their eyes look lifeless or something?
Good characterization.
I love the dramatic irony too.
Thought: if you stretch out the scene where they feel safe (and hint at an attack, but never make one until later), it might make the reader wonder constantly when the attack will begin, making them anxious. (That or it could mess up the atmosphere and make people bored, so it depends how you do it, I guess.)
"his genitalia which had reshaped itself into a poor mimicry of a vagina" I love this so much!! Only critique I have is I would have liked more screams and maybe even a description of how the blood splurt out in pulses.
Love the internal monologue and feeling of being trapped back in his old life but in a new form.
In terms of harem smut, I really love the idea that a little bit of him becomes a part of the girl and that also there's an earned reason for her to come along with him or be revived. Really nice touch and interesting concept!

Chapter 2:
"melancholy reverie" melancholic reverie*
"something sharp and clean, like the air after a lightning strike." Love this line :)
I feel like the place should have seemed more charred in places, right?
This was a smooth read. I almost feel like it could have benefited from more character development, but I understand she was trying to escape now. Was she awoken partly by these new men coming in? Maybe mentioning the sound shortly after she woke up would have been good.

Anyway, these are my "stream of consciousness"-like thoughts. I hope they helped and I hope I didn't misunderstand anything too much :) You've got a promising story here! This is one of the better writings on Scribblehub, and I really, really enjoyed reading it.