Writing [Sharing] How do you place the reader in the third POV?

[Eldoria]

Reader Position in Third POV​

Look at the following 2 scenes, which do you think is more impressive?

Scene 1:

Errie turned around and saw a vast expansion of wheat fields. She saw the grains shining golden yellow. She smelled the fragrant aroma. She remembered bread at her grandmother's house.

Scene 2:

Errie turned around. The wheat fields stretched as far as the eye could see. The grains shone golden yellow. The fragrant aroma wafted into her nose, reminding her of the bread at her grandmother's house.

Spoiler: My answer....

Well, these two scenes actually both contain information about wheat, both visually, through smell, and through memories... they just differ in how they're presented.

I think scene 2 is more impressive. What makes scene 2 more impressive isn't just grammar, but also the 'distance' of the reader.

In scene 1, the reader is given distance in the form of sentences with a good subject-verb-object/adverb structure. However, this actually makes the reader a neutral observer standing beside Errie.

Connecting sentences like 'she saw... she smelled...' or the conjunction 'and'... distance the narrative from the reader. These sentences and conjunctions are 'filter words' that distance the narrative from the reader.

We are positioned as 'neutral observers' who watch Errie see, smell, and imagine the wheat. This is what makes the scene feel like a report of Errie's behavior... rather than Errie's experience.

On the other hand, in scene 2, filter words are removed. The distance between the reader and the narrative is almost zero.

When Errie turns around, the narrative immediately places the reader in Errie's eyes... in Errie's nose... in Errie's memory... using sensory passive voice. The result... what the narrative shows = what Errie experiences = what the reader feels. Therefore, scene 2 is more immersive.

Finally... the filter words create distance between the characters and the reader. By reducing the filter words, the third POV might feel more immersive.

What do you think?

Critical Note:
This advice only applies if the narrative uses a limited third-person POV that emphasizes the character's subjective experience.

In an omniscient third-person POV, the use of filter words is actually functionally useful for identifying characters and providing a smooth transition.

In short, filter words are a narrative feature that can be used or not, depending on the narrative's needs.

 

[Envylope]

I like some aspects of both of them and would write it differently if given the chance. One thing I dislike about both is the repeated use of wheat, but the flow is good.

 

[Macha]

I like some aspects of both of them and would write it differently if given the chance. One thing I dislike about both is the repeated use of wheat, but the flow is good.

Same, I like to experiment by putting them in AI-detectors and use the one with highest score. The higher the score the more structured it is. My goal is to imitate the style of authors from centuries ago who invented the writing techniques we used today. Imitation is the highest flattery.

 

[Joyager2]

I think that, ultimately, there isn’t too much of a difference between these scenes. The structural difference (the repeated use of ‘she’ and the continual re-anchoring of the narrative around Errie) can serve to put a ‘filter’ between the reader and your character, as you point out, but that kind of minutiae-based meaning (while very important) really only functions in the context of a wider story where the filter is thematically relevant. At the moment, though, between the two excerpts, the second passage is simply a better-written version of the first that avoids repetition.

All this to say that ‘impressiveness’ depends on your intention. The second passage reads better off-the-bat. I feel like I’ve mostly just repeated your point, but I’ve typed it all out already, so you all get to reread it.

 

[Deleted member 34529]

If I wrote it would not be able to resist adding elements of "wave" "wind" "Sea" and the add more human-ness to the field's pulling of the character into a memory.

Hm.. I do overwrite... after all.

 

[CinnaSloth]

As they both stand, I don't like either.
I like certain points of each, but both could be written better.
If I HAD to choose. Then I'd go with the second. It hits harder. but repeating 'wheat' needs edits.

===
Edit (after prompt edits):
2nd is still best. My only suggestion would be switching 'wafted and reminding' to 'wafting and reminded' because she's currently at the fields, but is reminded of the past.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

No mention of the sound of the wheat rustling in the wind, the dryness of it brushing against her skin?