Seeking First Chapter Feedback

[Blank_Thought]

Hello dear writers tribe! ?

I'm a fresh new author in this vibrant and diverse community, excitedly dipping my quill for the first time (a hearty hello to all once more! ?).

I've been pouring over our the 'New Author's Guide' thread (by @Corty ) and discovered this nugget of wisdom: It's possible to request a review for the first chapter of one's new tale! What a great idea, right?

So, here I am, baring my work to the collective wisdom of our members here. Consider this an invitation to explore the universe I've begun to weave, and feel free to share your insightful thoughts, suggestions, and constructive criticism. Your feedback is the chisel that will shape this raw stone into a dazzling gem! ?

I eagerly anticipate your responses and am ready to learn from each one of you. And who knows? Maybe my story might whisk you away into a world you'd love to return to time and again! ?

I'll drop the link to the first chapter here ==> Chapter 1: The End

Looking forward to this amazing journey of growth and creativity with you all!

Happy reading, and as always... Keepushing. ?

 

[ArrogantYoungMaster]

Hmph! Since you asked, then this one won't hold back on my pointers on your Writing Dao.

The first chapter... is not the first chapter, it's the prologue... Chapter 2: A Meeting After Thousands Of Years is the real first chapter.
The prologue (Chapter 1) is very good. Introducing a 13 million casualties with no clear explanation makes the story mysterious and sways this daoist to read more.
Chapter 2: ...This one did not expect a 13-year-old brat to be the main character. Reading further, I assumed Luke was ostracized because he is a foreigner in Japan, but actually it was because there is a video jade slip of Luke slitting his friend's throat (?). Criticism about the trial description: this great one does not need to know the names of insignificant fodder. Johnathan Willow has not been introduced nor is he a legendary man that readers would recognize, this one finds knowing his name unnecessary. If fellow daoist seeks to introduce him in a later chapter, daoist can add his name when he appears, with a description of his involvement in Luke's trial or a few sentences of Luke knowing who he is.
This one is also interested to understand what was "fresh evidence that exonerated Luke." How strong this evidence is can affect the others' perception of Luke, if the evidence is not very strong, people's distrust of Luke is logical.
Chapter 2 maintains most of the intrigue from the last chapter by introducing Luke's messy history and a voice who follows him, but mystery is incompatible with omniscient third-person.
Chapter 3-5's pacing is the first big weakpoint of the story, this one believes... too many jump cuts! This one thinks the disorientation is similar to a Tier 3 Hundred Mountains Illusionary Labyrinth. Chapter 1 ends on a cliffhanger, Chapter 2 jumps to Luke and ends on a cliffhanger, Chapter 3 jumps to the second mc (Ruster) and ends on the same page as Chapter 2, Chapter 4 continues Chapter 2 and 3 and ends on a cliffhanger, and Chapter 5 jumps back to Ruster's world when it fit in the middle of Chapter 3! Aiyah, this great one was being pushed off a cliff every chapter! vomits blood

Sigh this daoist has spent almost three incense sticks of time to write this comment, so this one will need to shorten the rest of my comment.
This one does not value the Cluster Stone highly. It is similar an advanced teleportation array, but is only a single item and only transfers one activation at a time. However, a teleporation array that supports a nation is one that can operate multiple people from multiple locations. Otherwise, it isn't even worth a dog fart if fifty thousand cultivators have to wait in line in a single pavillion. It isn't a unique power either since the warriors who cultivated the Path of Space can also teleport. If the stone is like a Divine Scripture where one can study its profoundness and cultivate Spatial Dao or if it is the key of a nationwide teleportation system... this one would understand.
Luke is only 13, this one does not know why he would know about the city's broken water pump. This one thinks quick thinking is very good, but I would not expect a child who has not even broken through 1st Stage Foundation to act under pressure.
This one read further about the chase... and I will get to the point, the enemies should have killed Luke immediately the moment they saw him. If exposing their existence to a human inflicts a curse and it gets in the way of their mission, they should have snapped his neck for a quick death, not prolong it by choking him for forty breaths.

 

[Blank_Thought]

Thank you so much for your detailed feedback,you really spotted some very good point to be modified>

[Clarification regarding the story]

This one did not expect a 13-year-old brat to be the main character

Is this a bad thing? The story is meant for young adults,

Spoiler: Spoiler about the mc

and the MC will grow later on the story

so for the present, this is where it all begun.

this great one does not need to know the names of insignificant fodder. Johnathan Willow has not been introduced nor is he a legendary man that readers would recognize, this one finds knowing his name unnecessary.

Totally agree, this will even help making the first chapter shorter because it very long as it is right now.

This one is also interested to understand what was "fresh evidence that exonerated Luke." How strong this evidence is can affect the others' perception of Luke, if the evidence is not very strong, people's distrust of Luke is logical.

Do you want me to dm you the spoil?

but mystery is incompatible with omniscient third-person

Do you suggest I rewrite from Luke's POV?

Aiyah, this great one was being pushed off a cliff every chapter!

I wrote it this way to show scenes where the reader will get some context on the events and not get bored while main the mystery and the cliffhanger.

This one does not value the Cluster Stone highly.

You are totally right, I have failed to fully describe the powers of the cluster stone.

Spoiler: Cluster Stone Powers

Basically, it allows the mass teleportation of beings and supplements when used by an expert stone user (called Charters). Using their Ki, one can only teleport himself or in rare cases (Like Loppy, teleport 3 to 5 other people with him), mass teleportation of life sufficient supplies is impossible for one jumper/warrior. He who controls the Cluster Stone in the Wardoks worlds, controls its economy

I will rewrite that chapter it a way to better emphasize on this.

Luke is only 13, this one does not know why he would know about the city's broken water pump

Because it's in his neighbourhood, and he saw it fail multiple time (Will be making this clearer)

not expect a child who has not even broken through 1st Stage Foundation to act under pressure

More on Luke's past will be detailed, but you're right, he falls a bit into the extremes of society where people won't believe a 13 years old can be this genius.

the enemies should have killed Luke immediately the moment they saw him. If exposing their existence to a human inflicts a curse and it gets in the way of their mission, they should have snapped his neck for a quick death, not prolong it by choking him for forty breaths.

The moment the nature of the Curse is revealed, and the dynamics of the wardoks and humans relationship are more described, this gratification of seeing a human suffer before dying will be understood.


Your feedback has been incredibly valuable, and I deeply appreciate it. I'll promptly implement the changes you've suggested, which I believe will effectively address some of my own significant concerns. Your insights are truly beneficial, and I can't thank you enough for your guidance.

Thank you Young Master!