Seeker’s Codex: Beyond The Abyssal Line

[Hazzybae]

Where to start?

Hunter × Hunter exam precision + JJK moral pressure + Mistborn-style hard rules and a sense of One Piece Adventure.


Four rookies. One brutal Seeker Exam with non-lethal rules and referees that catch everything.


If Kai Xander’s Bodhi flame slips, it heals—or burns—what he loves.


With Aria (lightning), Rin (Viatra blade), and Lila (water/aid), Squad Three fights smart, not dirty.


Then the Red Order takes a city in one night, and the Exam stops being a game.


To cross the Abyssal Line and reach Astraea, they’ll need more than power. They’ll need truth.

Violence (non-graphic but intense), siege casualties, moral dilemmas, zero sexual content, shōnen tone with mature consequences.

If you want something different but still in them at classic shounen anime fantasy style, you got it.

im not perfect and don’t plan to be, i take my time with the writing and if I notice a error I’ll go back and fix. I grew up on 90s anime and early 20s, so I want my story to feel like HxH, Lotr, One Piece, Naruto, Bleach, DBZ, Jojo, Fullmetal Alchemist, Yuyuhakusho, D Grey Man, Fist Of The North Star, And Sailor Moon?. You'll see all my inspirations play out in my lore/magic(muti) system, I took everything that made me love anime and what made shounen popular and came up with something original, that I can rival nen, dbz transformations, FMA alchemy, bigger world than one piece, etc. this is one if not a very ambitious undertaking by a very new author, but I love everything and the world i built so far.

I love any advice, opinions good or bad it makes me a better writer, i jus hope yall love the world, lore and my big undertaking(it’s a lot) making one of the last TRUE Shounen?from a 90s baby?‍

 

[GardenerKing]

Yobokari (mocking, calm):

"Look at you. The Veilbreaker. Hero, savior… jailer. Tell me, Kai, what's left of your mercy when the wheel itself refuses to turn?"

Kai (quiet, firm):

"…It still turns. Even if it breaks a thousand times, it turns."

Yobokari (sharp laugh):

"You're clinging to a corpse. I burn the wheel to ash, and you call that evil?"

(He lifts his palm. A temple vanishes, erased without sound.)

"This is freedom. To cut away everything that binds us. Even gods are edits waiting to be erased."

Kai stepped forward. The stone beneath his foot shattered into glowing lotus petals. His eyes locked on Yobokari's, unwavering.

Kai:
"You're not freeing anyone. You're just replacing one cage with another."

This dialogue looks like a visual novel's text in which you press next, next, and then next again. I recommended merging it with your prose.

Example:

"Look at you. The Veilbreaker. Hero, savior… jailer," Yobokari released a long laugh filled with mockery. "Tell me, Kai, what's left of your mercy when the wheel itself refuses to turn?"

Kai shook his head in disagreement, "It still turns. Even if it breaks a thousand times, it turns."

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Akugan some narto related eye/character?????????????

Shi'en Jinkai Yogiyoh card????????????????????

Avalokiteshvara I can't prounce it.

I have no idea what any of these are, and I believe most of the reader don't as well. The only one I found on Google is Avolok—Can't pronounce it, but I guess you wanted to repaint that scene from Hunter X Hunter. So I recommended you to find an equal name in English, which is at least easier to pronounce. For example, replacing Avalokiteshvara with Guanyin, Mahayana Buddha, or whatever, I don't really believe it has to be accurate.

---

The white fades into the Bodhira mountains. A boy no older than seventeen sits in lotus position, fire petals circling around his body as he breathes. His name is Kai Xander, and the story begins before the world learned why he was called the Veilbreaker.

If you started writing in past tense then continue in past tense. If this was meant to be the present and that earlier part a past scene, then Just put a sentence to explain instead of switching tense.

Ex:

6 Years later...

The white faded into the Bodhira mountains. A boy no older than seventeen sat in lotus position, fire petals circling around his body as he breathed. His name was Kai Xander, and the story began before the world learned why he was called the Veilbreaker.

---

Overall, I find this prologue feels extremely pointless. Nothing is interesting because there is barely any context.

What wheel? Whose corpse? Who's Yobokari and why is Kai fighting him? I have no idea what's happening and I see no reason to care.

What A half-destroyed shrine when there was no shrines in the scene to begin with?

"(He lifts his palm. A temple vanishes, erased without sound.)" What temple? I thought there was nothing but spiral stones hanging in the air.

 

[Hazzybae]

Thank you so much, I did tell myself my first 2 maybe 3 chapters I gotta revisit cause it’s different from the rest of my chapters(you’ll notice), cause I think was confused on how to start the story I had the idea in my head just not dialogue wise ?. But again I wanted to have my own terminology and not explain everything right away(aiming for 1000+ chapters) but dont want to do the cool shounen thing where it’s all action, I wanna world, character build, etc. I love everything you said im literally writing it down so I can revise the chapter tonight, and definitely helped. Hope you stay along for the read id love more advice? and yea it was inspired by a scene out of HxH with Netero 100 hand type bodhisattva but mine got 1000 ? was trying to foreshadow it lol.