Searching for feedback on my new novel!

[N.K.Watson]

Hello!
I'm new to this, so don't eat me alive. There's a story burning in my mind, and i've plotted it and began to write it down. Two chapters are posted on my page, and i would love love some feedback! I've never really attempted to write before, but theres a first for everything!

Divided

Twenty-one-year-old Leora Everen never believed in magic beyond the walls of the divide - until the day her brother was mauled by a creature from within it and began to fade beneath a strange, darkening sickness. Following a mysterious riddle, Leora heads into the forbidden land, desperate to...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[StoneInky]

I can feel the passion in your synopsis, and the traces of editing. It's still awkward, partly sounding like you're just listing things, so if you edit it to sound less clunky, that'll help a lot. Let your prose shine through instead.

The prose is very slow and pretty. It reminds me of old traditional novels, as if you're trying to ease me in before anything happens. I like the descriptions, but cut the explanations a little to avoid dragginess. You don't need to explain everything.

I also like how you mention moonflowers, and establish your world's magic right off the bat, directing the story to the magic thing. Without going full lore dump. Same with the wolves and the 'darkness', that was mentioned with just the right amount of emphasis. No problems here.

Then your first chapter ends on a more tense note, which is perfect. It breaks the peace at just the right moment, so it's not boring. You do this with chapter two, too, and it hooks the reader. You hinted it as if Colin had something suspicious(?) Going on? I'm wondering if that's just an error in description, or if you did it on purpose. If it's the former, edit it a bit. If it's the latter, nice.

Second chapter. I think Leora's reaction to her mother's peculiar statement, ended a bit quick. You switched the scene and the tone too fast. No need to wax emotion and poetics, but I think it'll feel less abrupt if you show her pausing and frowning in confusion, even as she's tending Talen. That will also make the scene connect better with her later monologue.

Lastly, my favorite paragraphs are the one that start with this: 'I rolled my eyes dramatically', and 'I dragged my feet off the edge of the large canopy bed'. They are gorgeous. I just wanted to say it, lol.

In conclusion: a sweet, slow fantasy tale with scrumptious prose. It sounds more like a traditional novel than a webnovel, and thus you may have trouble gathering readers in early stages. But I hope you don't give up. Good luck!

 

[N.K.Watson]

I can feel the passion in your synopsis, and the traces of editing. It's still awkward, partly sounding like you're just listing things, so if you edit it to sound less clunky, that'll help a lot. Let your prose shine through instead.

The prose is very slow and pretty. It reminds me of old traditional novels, as if you're trying to ease me in before anything happens. I like the descriptions, but cut the explanations a little to avoid dragginess. You don't need to explain everything.

I also like how you mention moonflowers, and establish your world's magic right off the bat, directing the story to the magic thing. Without going full lore dump. Same with the wolves and the 'darkness', that was mentioned with just the right amount of emphasis. No problems here.

Then your first chapter ends on a more tense note, which is perfect. It breaks the peace at just the right moment, so it's not boring. You do this with chapter two, too, and it hooks the reader. You hinted it as if Colin had something suspicious(?) Going on? I'm wondering if that's just an error in description, or if you did it on purpose. If it's the former, edit it a bit. If it's the latter, nice.

Second chapter. I think Leora's reaction to her mother's peculiar statement, ended a bit quick. You switched the scene and the tone too fast. No need to wax emotion and poetics, but I think it'll feel less abrupt if you show her pausing and frowning in confusion, even as she's tending Talen. That will also make the scene connect better with her later monologue.

Lastly, my favorite paragraphs are the one that start with this: 'I rolled my eyes dramatically', and 'I dragged my feet off the edge of the large canopy bed'. They are gorgeous. I just wanted to say it, lol.

In conclusion: a sweet, slow fantasy tale with scrumptious prose. It sounds more like a traditional novel than a webnovel, and thus you may have trouble gathering readers in early stages. But I hope you don't give up. Good luck!

Ah! YOU were who I was afraid of, so this made my entire day. I have seen quite a few of your comments, not that I think they're bad, but because you seem to be very straightforward - which is a good thing for those of us who want to truly get better and not just defend our bad work! Hahaha. I was half hoping you would be the one to take a peek and half hoping you didn't, in case it was awful. Thank you SO much; it truly means a lot, and I appreciate your feedback and will make edits! I've never attempted to write creatively in my entire life, but I have recently begun reading again, and this little story popped into my mind, and I've been determined to put it on paper.

I can feel the passion in your synopsis, and the traces of editing. It's still awkward, partly sounding like you're just listing things, so if you edit it to sound less clunky, that'll help a lot. Let your prose shine through instead.

The prose is very slow and pretty. It reminds me of old traditional novels, as if you're trying to ease me in before anything happens. I like the descriptions, but cut the explanations a little to avoid dragginess. You don't need to explain everything.

I also like how you mention moonflowers, and establish your world's magic right off the bat, directing the story to the magic thing. Without going full lore dump. Same with the wolves and the 'darkness', that was mentioned with just the right amount of emphasis. No problems here.

Then your first chapter ends on a more tense note, which is perfect. It breaks the peace at just the right moment, so it's not boring. You do this with chapter two, too, and it hooks the reader. You hinted it as if Colin had something suspicious(?) Going on? I'm wondering if that's just an error in description, or if you did it on purpose. If it's the former, edit it a bit. If it's the latter, nice.

Second chapter. I think Leora's reaction to her mother's peculiar statement, ended a bit quick. You switched the scene and the tone too fast. No need to wax emotion and poetics, but I think it'll feel less abrupt if you show her pausing and frowning in confusion, even as she's tending Talen. That will also make the scene connect better with her later monologue.

Lastly, my favorite paragraphs are the one that start with this: 'I rolled my eyes dramatically', and 'I dragged my feet off the edge of the large canopy bed'. They are gorgeous. I just wanted to say it, lol.

In conclusion: a sweet, slow fantasy tale with scrumptious prose. It sounds more like a traditional novel than a webnovel, and thus you may have trouble gathering readers in early stages. But I hope you don't give up. Good luck!

On the webnovel vs traditional, i did more intend on a web novel. But i fear people seeing my work or any attempt at publishing so i decided to try places like this first for myself.