SCP Entry Log
- Thread starter Nyxia_
- Start date
TheEldritchGod
A Cloud Of Pure Spite And Eyes
- Joined
- Dec 15, 2021
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I did that once. It got me banned.
I'll skip that one.
A Fire Axe.
Item #: RPC-[PENDING]
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Axe to be stored blade down in a metal block with blade embedded in said metal block.
Revised Special Containment Procedures: Axe to be kept in case of any material known to prevent telepathy or mental communication. The case should be filled with Styrofoam peanuts and the handle secured in a fashion to prevent the blade from moving. Blade has shown properties to sever any material, but only physical materials. Energy barriers have proven resistant to the blade. The case should then be placed in a lead-lined compartment as an added level of security.
Addendum to the Revised Containment Procedures: Coffee and any product containing caffeine are not to be allowed within a 10m radius. Any personnel known to consume caffeine in the last week are to maintain a safe distance of 10m at all times. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE PERSONS WHO HAVE CAFFEINE IN THEIR SYSTEM TO BE ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE AXE. Yes, this includes chocolate. Anyone who is to handle the axe must undergo a blood test before touching the axe or handling it in any fashion. Fasting between the time the blood is taken to the point where the axe is handled is highly recommended, just in case.
Site-1021 Director's Addition for the Addendum to the Revised Special Containment Procedures: Coffee is banned on site. PERIOD. No EXPECTIONS. That includes Decaf. Anyone found with so much as a fleck of Folgers's Crystals will be shot, their body dragged to a containment area and BURNED. This thing just got transferred here and there is no way we're going to have a repeat of what necessitated the move. I'm serious. I will do it myself. Just try me.
Description: The axe appears to be an ordinary fire axe that one might have found in the 1960s in buildings where such things might be kept on site. The axe is in black and white. This is not an illusion, it simply only reflects light in grayscale. Any material applied to the axe also reflects light similarly. Holding the axe is not enough to cause this effect, however. Holding it "with purpose" does. Microscopic analysis revealed that at some point someone inscribed on the right side of the axe blade the words "I QUIT" using a black permanent marker (We assume black. We cannot detect any other colors). However, over time the writing has worn away from use. Micro-pitting allowed a remnant of the marker to remain on the blade and eventually, researcher Dr Brook determined what the words said. The words are not visible to the unaided eye.
Current Theory: The blade is made of Mirror Matter, which would explain its ability to simply cleave through any material it touches. However, the handle appears to be ordinary wood, so it is unknown how the shaft of the fire axe remains bonded with the axe head. What is known is that the entire axe appears to be indestructible by conventional means. Additionally, active scans of the material using any radiation other than visible light simply pass through the axe as if it wasn't even there.
Incident 0001: The axe was recovered after an incident involving a recovery team to [REDACTED]. The original on-site team, hereby referred to only as Team A, had engaged a nest of [EXPUNGED] and were almost killed when one member of the team found the axe imbedded in a wall of one of the tunnels the team was forced to retreat down. It was being used to carve tunnels. Team A Member "Max" was out of ammunition and took the axe off the wall with the intent to defend himself. The field of grayscale washed over him and he suddenly became a "whirling dervish of death", as quoted by his team leader, and promptly started to hack his way through the [REDACTED] and out of the nest. The rest of his team followed and made good their escape, leaving behind the explosives they were sent in to leave at the point of maximum structural weakness. The nest was destroyed. All evidence of the outbreak was destroyed, and the primary mission was a complete success. Agent "Max" had suffered repeated cuts and slashes while making his escape, but at no point did he show any signs of bleeding. Agent "Max" then ignored his superior's orders and proceeded to head off to the NNW from the exit point at great speed, estimated to be the maximum possible speed of a human at full sprint. Back-up crews were already on the scene in case of a containment breach. Team A Leader directed Team B to "shoot that damnable axe!" Sharpshooter complied knocking the axe out of Agent Max's hands. Max collapsed and began bleeding from all wounds as the grayscale effect stopped. If trauma teams had not been on location, Agent Max would have died. The axe was noted as not having been damaged by the 50-caliber round that hit it. Axe was secured on site, and transferred to Site 0783 for processing and analysis.
Addendum to 0001: It is currently known that when Max grabbed the axe, at the time Max was an avid coffee drinker. It was the axe's control over liquids with caffeine in it that, we surmise, allowed it to keep his blood inside his body.
Note: That doesn't make any sense. How does the Axe do that? Can the entity see through it? Control through it?
Incident 0002: Three months later, Agent Max was on another mission when his team was ambushed by humans under mimetic control. In an attempt to capture the humans to rescue them, they let their guard down and were overwhelmed. Contact was lost and Agent Max was captured and taken to be processed by the infected humans when the following incident was recorded on his backup body cam:
<BEGIN TRANSCRIPT [DATA EXPUNGED]>
<Images of multiple hands clawing and grasping for the agent are visible. Multiple voices are heard chanting "One of us." Over and over. Max is heard shouting, "Just so you bastards know, I hate Will Smith!>
<The crowd thins as a black shape moves like an oily fog flows around the infected humans and into their mouths. One by one their heads explode, leaving Max's camera covered in gore. Max collapses and after this point, only audio is available. The secondary voice is RPC-[PENDING]-A, an entity associated with RPC-[PENDING]. It self-identifies as "Joe">
<"Joe" is later described as a man with impossibly white skin, black hair, and blacker outlines, with a black pinstripe zoot suit and a matching fedora. He did not exhibit the same grayscale features as the axe, but he was mostly black and white. A connection of some sort is implied.>
Max: Wh-what are you do-
Joe: What am I doing? Saving your life, that's what. Just shut up, lie still. Good thing you like your coffee.
Max: Wh-
Joe: What part of shut up don't you understand? The Shut, or the Up?
<Time passes of approximately two minutes and twenty seconds before the conversation resumes. During this time, Agent Max reports that his wounds sustained during the fighting sealed, but his broken legs remained as such.>
Joe: There. Okay. First. Formalities. Call me Joe. You?
Max: Uh… Max.
Joe: Hi Max. You're going to live. Can't do much about your legs, I'm afraid. Bones, I can force them to hold together, but mending, never got a handle on that. So. You're about to ask a question. Please do so.
Max: I am?
Joe: Yup. I'll give you a hint. Starts with "Double-Yew" and ends with "Eye did you save my life?"
<8 seconds of silence>
Max: Why did-
Joe: Great question! See, here's the deal. A few months back you found an axe. I don't know how many axes you deal with, but you couldn't have missed this one. Black and White? Forged in the heart of a pulsar? Cuts through anything? Goes great with my suit? You started acting as if your flesh was no longer yours to command? You were going to bring it back to me then you lost it. Pouty face! So I went looking for you. <sniffing sounds> and here you are! Now, you don't have the axe so. Hey. Just Spitballing here! Figured, take a week or two… scope you out, ya know? Then YOU wind up almost getting yourself killed!
Max: <Sounds of pain. Joe poked Max directly where his left femur was shattered>
Joe: So I have to step in, save you, mend your body, blah blah blah. So, Quid Pro Quo. I saved your life. Where is my axe?
Max: I don't know. I- <Max reported that his lips closed against his will>
Joe: Max, Max, Max… By the way, LOVE your name. See, I've been having a few bad… everything. Pick a unit of time, it's been bad. Know what I am? Hrmm?
<Max states at this point his head starts to shake side to side to indicate a negative response, against his will.>
Joe: Water elemental! Yes! We're dangerous. Considering you humans are made up of 93% water or something. So this guy binds me. I kill him. So the next guy gets the binding scroll and combines me with a rare and sacred seed so I can only affect liquid with the seed in it. So he's planning on me killing the priests or something because they're the only ones who get this plant, but THEN he screws up and I get left in this stone box for a LONG time and I dry out, except for the seed, you see. Normally I'd die from that, but this scroll kept me trapped and alive. A long time. In a box. Shriveled up like…
<Agent Max reports that at this point he abruptly sat up against his will to lean in closer.>
Joe: On the edge of your seat? Ain't heard nothing yet. Eventually some researcher finds my scroll and, get this, SCANS IT into his computer! Next things I know the binding ritual is in someone's hard drive, not that I knew what a hard drive was at the time. I try to get free and wind up stuck in some file and the next thing I know I think I'm a human! Five odd years go by and I finally figure it out, after someone figures ME out and my spirit is bound into a credit bureau report.
<Agent Max reports that his eyebrows involuntarily raised up as if he was shocked>
Joe: No, I'm serious. And then some guys figured out that by changing my file they could change me, then some other government agency and then Management found out and suddenly I got three different groups INSIDE MY MIND-
<There is a pause as Joe composes himself>
Joe: Sorry about that. The point is, eventually, I managed to regain myself and now I want to get home. But I need something. I need… my axe. Oh, by the way, one other thing. You know that rare and sacred plant they bound me to? Do you know what it is?
<Agent Max reported shrugging>
Joe: You guys call it Coffee. Ain't that funny? I got turned into a Coffee Elemental. It's kind of strange. Always on edge. MORE THEN A LITTLE HYPER!!! <He lowers his voice to a harsh whisper> And just a little twitchy. And it's sort of good, for you, because then I couldn't make your blood stay inside you and knit your flesh back together…
<Agent Max Reports Joe then adjusted Agent Max's clothes and smoothed out a few wrinkles before grabbing him by the throat.>
Joe: Now this is where I ask, "Where is it?" And you say, "I don't know, but I know how to get it. Please don't make my heart explode out of my-"
<The conversation was cut short when the backup team arrived and opened fire on the entity. The entity then recoiled, apparently bothered by, but not overtly harmed by bullets passing through him. Footage from the support team indicates that it was not unlike shooting through a liquid that could reform moments later after being distorted.>
Joe: Looks like this conversation is over. We'll talk again later. How's next Thursday for you?
<Joe turned to face the support team>
Joe: You know, you guys shouldn't drink so much coffee. It's bad for your heart.
<All 8 members of the Support Team were found dead, their hearts ruptured from their chests as if the internal pressure was suddenly spiked. Each heart simply shot out through the ribcage landing up to twenty yards from the point of origin. An hour later another clean-up team moved in to find only the unconscious Agent Max alive, surrounded by dozens of bodies. All dead members of the support team were reported to be heavy coffee drinkers.>
Incidents 0003-0024: [EXPUNGED]
Observations: The entity in question appears to be made up of coffee. He can form out of, and control anything that has caffeine in it. To date, he has not formed out of someone who has caffeine in their system but has formed out of one ounce of coffee as if by teleportation. He cannot exist in multiple locations at once, so it is not known if this is true teleportation, but the mass and weight at the new location does not correlate with the amount of coffee.
Joe shows the ability to control humans with caffeine in their system and has shown that at high doses, may be able to read/influence/control minds, but not with predictable results. For this reason, all information about the whereabouts of the axe is redacted, so he doesn't read the mind of someone drinking a cup of coffee while reading this file.
Request: Just give him the damn axe.
Response: Denied. One, it's made of Mirror Matter. That's some rare stuff. Two, we don't know what "going home" implies. It seems like this stuff could be used to make a warp drive, cleave the walls between dimensions, or a whole host of other hypothetical situations and scenarios. At the very least, the guys at the Ice Cube need to get done with it before- Say, that's in Antarctica somewhere, right? Thanks buddy! You okay? You seem tired? How about some coffee? Cofffee Coffeee Coffee Coffee COIFEE COFEE COFEOCOCOFEEEEE
Incident 0025: Team leader [REDACTED] of Project RPC-[PENDING] was found dead in his office, his lungs filled with coffee. The warning was sent out to the location currently holding the artifact. Artifact successfully moved off base to an undisclosed location. The investigations department determined at some point in the past six months, [REDACTED]'s migraine medication was replaced with Canadian Brand OTC medication 222s, which did wonders for the Team Leader's migraines but also contained the equivalent of two cups of coffee in each pill. Also, it was discovered that his glasses were hollow and contained approximately one fluid ounce of coffee inside the frames. Poor bastard must have been a puppet for months. We aren't sure how he managed to get around the monthly blood tests for caffeine or the seasonal brain scans for mind control. We suspect he wasn't mind controlling [REDACTED] until the very end and simply waiting for the information to present itself. Also, [REDACTED] was responsible for expunging all records from the database and currently we are attempting to recover the files from other, uncorrupted sources.
Incident 0026: A giant frozen coffee slush-humanoid approximately 5 meters tall, attacked Site-1021. Entity came up from below the ground rupturing the facility in several places. Flame throwers seemed especially effective, but the entity's maneuverable capabilities allowed it to avoid fire teams. The creature seemed to eventually deduce the artifact was no longer present and departed abruptly. No reported deaths at this time, although most area personnel sustained some sort of injury. No further incidents were recorded. Highly recommend future artifact locations continue zero-tolerance policies regarding coffee and/or products that contain caffeine.
On-Site Observation By Security Chief Of Site-1021: "Joe" seems to think he's funny. Engaging him in conversation correctly can start him monologing. It's a good delaying tactic, and worked three times. He's a chatty son of a bitch. However, he tends to slip into nonsequiturs and leave random sentences unfinished. I suspect the creature is simply bat-shit insane.
Psychological Profile: Entity "Joe" is believed to be completely insane due to a wide number of factors.
1. We do not believe he is a "coffee elemental" but an alien from another universe that appears to have been captured and put into service against his will. This "Coffee Elemental" story is just a coping mechanism. On the other hand, his connection to Coffee and its by-products cannot be denied.
2. By inference and research, it appears he may have been in complete isolation and powerless for multiple millennia. This would be enough to drive any self-aware being mad. This might explain his relentless need to talk.
3. He admits to amnesia and then "learning the truth", which may be completely fabricated.
4. There is no evidence of the "control symbol" on the internet anywhere, nor the CBR he spoke of, however, he does show signs of multiple layers of mimetic programming from, more than likely, different sources with conflicting agendas. The Entity frequently shows compulsions to perform certain acts while complaining about them. For example, the Entity will commit horrific acts to serve his purposes but then go out of his way, including losing his objective, to protect innocent bystanders. We believe that there is some "fail-safe" programming left in his psyche. This could be an exploitable weakness.
5. He hates authority to the point of psychosis and paranoia. This has made attempts at peaceful negotiations impossible.
6. He has displayed, what was coined, "terminator" mode, where he does nothing but relentlessly focus on killing a target. It was last activated by Doctor French, the first team leader of this project. Doctor French had developed "Moby Dick" syndrome without it appearing on his psyche exams. In an attempt to lure "Joe" into a trap, he used Agent Max as bait, since Joe had come to Max's rescue on more than one occasion. When Joe failed to show Max commented, "He knows I'm not really in trouble." Doctor French took a pair of pliers and started tearing out Agent Max's fingers. Joe appeared after the third finger was removed. Doctor French deployed his Dehydrator/Psychic Nullifier which succeeded in causing Joe to lose cohesion but failed to capture him. For the next four days Joe relentlessly attacked the base, which went into lockdown and because Doctor French feared reprisals for his actions, did not notify his superiors of the events as they were taking place. On the fourth day Joe had commandeered a cargo plane full of instant coffee and on a rainy night, crashed it into the base. The resulting tidal wave of Coffee quickly scoured the base, freed Agent Max, and Doctor French's body was never found. It is worth noting, that Joe did not utter a single word the whole time he was stalking Doctor French.
Note: Agent Max, missing three fingers, asked for retirement, which was granted. However, despite repeated attempts to administer amnesiacs, Agent Max retains all his memories. Agent Max also states that since retirement, he has been directly in contact with Joe on several occasions, but Joe seems to respect Max's retirement and only makes small talk when he visits. Although there was one conversation that was, "Private, I can tell you it was some major philosophical crap. And that's all I have to say on the matter." Due to the events with Doctor French, no further attempt to use Max as "bait" is authorized. Max also refuses to relay messages because "It's against the rules." Other methods to handle "Joe" will have to be devised.
I'll skip that one.
A Fire Axe.
Item #: RPC-[PENDING]
Object Class: Safe
Special Containment Procedures: Axe to be stored blade down in a metal block with blade embedded in said metal block.
Revised Special Containment Procedures: Axe to be kept in case of any material known to prevent telepathy or mental communication. The case should be filled with Styrofoam peanuts and the handle secured in a fashion to prevent the blade from moving. Blade has shown properties to sever any material, but only physical materials. Energy barriers have proven resistant to the blade. The case should then be placed in a lead-lined compartment as an added level of security.
Addendum to the Revised Containment Procedures: Coffee and any product containing caffeine are not to be allowed within a 10m radius. Any personnel known to consume caffeine in the last week are to maintain a safe distance of 10m at all times. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE PERSONS WHO HAVE CAFFEINE IN THEIR SYSTEM TO BE ALLOWED TO TOUCH THE AXE. Yes, this includes chocolate. Anyone who is to handle the axe must undergo a blood test before touching the axe or handling it in any fashion. Fasting between the time the blood is taken to the point where the axe is handled is highly recommended, just in case.
Site-1021 Director's Addition for the Addendum to the Revised Special Containment Procedures: Coffee is banned on site. PERIOD. No EXPECTIONS. That includes Decaf. Anyone found with so much as a fleck of Folgers's Crystals will be shot, their body dragged to a containment area and BURNED. This thing just got transferred here and there is no way we're going to have a repeat of what necessitated the move. I'm serious. I will do it myself. Just try me.
Description: The axe appears to be an ordinary fire axe that one might have found in the 1960s in buildings where such things might be kept on site. The axe is in black and white. This is not an illusion, it simply only reflects light in grayscale. Any material applied to the axe also reflects light similarly. Holding the axe is not enough to cause this effect, however. Holding it "with purpose" does. Microscopic analysis revealed that at some point someone inscribed on the right side of the axe blade the words "I QUIT" using a black permanent marker (We assume black. We cannot detect any other colors). However, over time the writing has worn away from use. Micro-pitting allowed a remnant of the marker to remain on the blade and eventually, researcher Dr Brook determined what the words said. The words are not visible to the unaided eye.
Current Theory: The blade is made of Mirror Matter, which would explain its ability to simply cleave through any material it touches. However, the handle appears to be ordinary wood, so it is unknown how the shaft of the fire axe remains bonded with the axe head. What is known is that the entire axe appears to be indestructible by conventional means. Additionally, active scans of the material using any radiation other than visible light simply pass through the axe as if it wasn't even there.
Incident 0001: The axe was recovered after an incident involving a recovery team to [REDACTED]. The original on-site team, hereby referred to only as Team A, had engaged a nest of [EXPUNGED] and were almost killed when one member of the team found the axe imbedded in a wall of one of the tunnels the team was forced to retreat down. It was being used to carve tunnels. Team A Member "Max" was out of ammunition and took the axe off the wall with the intent to defend himself. The field of grayscale washed over him and he suddenly became a "whirling dervish of death", as quoted by his team leader, and promptly started to hack his way through the [REDACTED] and out of the nest. The rest of his team followed and made good their escape, leaving behind the explosives they were sent in to leave at the point of maximum structural weakness. The nest was destroyed. All evidence of the outbreak was destroyed, and the primary mission was a complete success. Agent "Max" had suffered repeated cuts and slashes while making his escape, but at no point did he show any signs of bleeding. Agent "Max" then ignored his superior's orders and proceeded to head off to the NNW from the exit point at great speed, estimated to be the maximum possible speed of a human at full sprint. Back-up crews were already on the scene in case of a containment breach. Team A Leader directed Team B to "shoot that damnable axe!" Sharpshooter complied knocking the axe out of Agent Max's hands. Max collapsed and began bleeding from all wounds as the grayscale effect stopped. If trauma teams had not been on location, Agent Max would have died. The axe was noted as not having been damaged by the 50-caliber round that hit it. Axe was secured on site, and transferred to Site 0783 for processing and analysis.
Addendum to 0001: It is currently known that when Max grabbed the axe, at the time Max was an avid coffee drinker. It was the axe's control over liquids with caffeine in it that, we surmise, allowed it to keep his blood inside his body.
Note: That doesn't make any sense. How does the Axe do that? Can the entity see through it? Control through it?
Incident 0002: Three months later, Agent Max was on another mission when his team was ambushed by humans under mimetic control. In an attempt to capture the humans to rescue them, they let their guard down and were overwhelmed. Contact was lost and Agent Max was captured and taken to be processed by the infected humans when the following incident was recorded on his backup body cam:
<BEGIN TRANSCRIPT [DATA EXPUNGED]>
<Images of multiple hands clawing and grasping for the agent are visible. Multiple voices are heard chanting "One of us." Over and over. Max is heard shouting, "Just so you bastards know, I hate Will Smith!>
<The crowd thins as a black shape moves like an oily fog flows around the infected humans and into their mouths. One by one their heads explode, leaving Max's camera covered in gore. Max collapses and after this point, only audio is available. The secondary voice is RPC-[PENDING]-A, an entity associated with RPC-[PENDING]. It self-identifies as "Joe">
<"Joe" is later described as a man with impossibly white skin, black hair, and blacker outlines, with a black pinstripe zoot suit and a matching fedora. He did not exhibit the same grayscale features as the axe, but he was mostly black and white. A connection of some sort is implied.>
Max: Wh-what are you do-
Joe: What am I doing? Saving your life, that's what. Just shut up, lie still. Good thing you like your coffee.
Max: Wh-
Joe: What part of shut up don't you understand? The Shut, or the Up?
<Time passes of approximately two minutes and twenty seconds before the conversation resumes. During this time, Agent Max reports that his wounds sustained during the fighting sealed, but his broken legs remained as such.>
Joe: There. Okay. First. Formalities. Call me Joe. You?
Max: Uh… Max.
Joe: Hi Max. You're going to live. Can't do much about your legs, I'm afraid. Bones, I can force them to hold together, but mending, never got a handle on that. So. You're about to ask a question. Please do so.
Max: I am?
Joe: Yup. I'll give you a hint. Starts with "Double-Yew" and ends with "Eye did you save my life?"
<8 seconds of silence>
Max: Why did-
Joe: Great question! See, here's the deal. A few months back you found an axe. I don't know how many axes you deal with, but you couldn't have missed this one. Black and White? Forged in the heart of a pulsar? Cuts through anything? Goes great with my suit? You started acting as if your flesh was no longer yours to command? You were going to bring it back to me then you lost it. Pouty face! So I went looking for you. <sniffing sounds> and here you are! Now, you don't have the axe so. Hey. Just Spitballing here! Figured, take a week or two… scope you out, ya know? Then YOU wind up almost getting yourself killed!
Max: <Sounds of pain. Joe poked Max directly where his left femur was shattered>
Joe: So I have to step in, save you, mend your body, blah blah blah. So, Quid Pro Quo. I saved your life. Where is my axe?
Max: I don't know. I- <Max reported that his lips closed against his will>
Joe: Max, Max, Max… By the way, LOVE your name. See, I've been having a few bad… everything. Pick a unit of time, it's been bad. Know what I am? Hrmm?
<Max states at this point his head starts to shake side to side to indicate a negative response, against his will.>
Joe: Water elemental! Yes! We're dangerous. Considering you humans are made up of 93% water or something. So this guy binds me. I kill him. So the next guy gets the binding scroll and combines me with a rare and sacred seed so I can only affect liquid with the seed in it. So he's planning on me killing the priests or something because they're the only ones who get this plant, but THEN he screws up and I get left in this stone box for a LONG time and I dry out, except for the seed, you see. Normally I'd die from that, but this scroll kept me trapped and alive. A long time. In a box. Shriveled up like…
<Agent Max reports that at this point he abruptly sat up against his will to lean in closer.>
Joe: On the edge of your seat? Ain't heard nothing yet. Eventually some researcher finds my scroll and, get this, SCANS IT into his computer! Next things I know the binding ritual is in someone's hard drive, not that I knew what a hard drive was at the time. I try to get free and wind up stuck in some file and the next thing I know I think I'm a human! Five odd years go by and I finally figure it out, after someone figures ME out and my spirit is bound into a credit bureau report.
<Agent Max reports that his eyebrows involuntarily raised up as if he was shocked>
Joe: No, I'm serious. And then some guys figured out that by changing my file they could change me, then some other government agency and then Management found out and suddenly I got three different groups INSIDE MY MIND-
<There is a pause as Joe composes himself>
Joe: Sorry about that. The point is, eventually, I managed to regain myself and now I want to get home. But I need something. I need… my axe. Oh, by the way, one other thing. You know that rare and sacred plant they bound me to? Do you know what it is?
<Agent Max reported shrugging>
Joe: You guys call it Coffee. Ain't that funny? I got turned into a Coffee Elemental. It's kind of strange. Always on edge. MORE THEN A LITTLE HYPER!!! <He lowers his voice to a harsh whisper> And just a little twitchy. And it's sort of good, for you, because then I couldn't make your blood stay inside you and knit your flesh back together…
<Agent Max Reports Joe then adjusted Agent Max's clothes and smoothed out a few wrinkles before grabbing him by the throat.>
Joe: Now this is where I ask, "Where is it?" And you say, "I don't know, but I know how to get it. Please don't make my heart explode out of my-"
<The conversation was cut short when the backup team arrived and opened fire on the entity. The entity then recoiled, apparently bothered by, but not overtly harmed by bullets passing through him. Footage from the support team indicates that it was not unlike shooting through a liquid that could reform moments later after being distorted.>
Joe: Looks like this conversation is over. We'll talk again later. How's next Thursday for you?
<Joe turned to face the support team>
Joe: You know, you guys shouldn't drink so much coffee. It's bad for your heart.
<All 8 members of the Support Team were found dead, their hearts ruptured from their chests as if the internal pressure was suddenly spiked. Each heart simply shot out through the ribcage landing up to twenty yards from the point of origin. An hour later another clean-up team moved in to find only the unconscious Agent Max alive, surrounded by dozens of bodies. All dead members of the support team were reported to be heavy coffee drinkers.>
Incidents 0003-0024: [EXPUNGED]
Observations: The entity in question appears to be made up of coffee. He can form out of, and control anything that has caffeine in it. To date, he has not formed out of someone who has caffeine in their system but has formed out of one ounce of coffee as if by teleportation. He cannot exist in multiple locations at once, so it is not known if this is true teleportation, but the mass and weight at the new location does not correlate with the amount of coffee.
Joe shows the ability to control humans with caffeine in their system and has shown that at high doses, may be able to read/influence/control minds, but not with predictable results. For this reason, all information about the whereabouts of the axe is redacted, so he doesn't read the mind of someone drinking a cup of coffee while reading this file.
Request: Just give him the damn axe.
Response: Denied. One, it's made of Mirror Matter. That's some rare stuff. Two, we don't know what "going home" implies. It seems like this stuff could be used to make a warp drive, cleave the walls between dimensions, or a whole host of other hypothetical situations and scenarios. At the very least, the guys at the Ice Cube need to get done with it before- Say, that's in Antarctica somewhere, right? Thanks buddy! You okay? You seem tired? How about some coffee? Cofffee Coffeee Coffee Coffee COIFEE COFEE COFEOCOCOFEEEEE
Incident 0025: Team leader [REDACTED] of Project RPC-[PENDING] was found dead in his office, his lungs filled with coffee. The warning was sent out to the location currently holding the artifact. Artifact successfully moved off base to an undisclosed location. The investigations department determined at some point in the past six months, [REDACTED]'s migraine medication was replaced with Canadian Brand OTC medication 222s, which did wonders for the Team Leader's migraines but also contained the equivalent of two cups of coffee in each pill. Also, it was discovered that his glasses were hollow and contained approximately one fluid ounce of coffee inside the frames. Poor bastard must have been a puppet for months. We aren't sure how he managed to get around the monthly blood tests for caffeine or the seasonal brain scans for mind control. We suspect he wasn't mind controlling [REDACTED] until the very end and simply waiting for the information to present itself. Also, [REDACTED] was responsible for expunging all records from the database and currently we are attempting to recover the files from other, uncorrupted sources.
Incident 0026: A giant frozen coffee slush-humanoid approximately 5 meters tall, attacked Site-1021. Entity came up from below the ground rupturing the facility in several places. Flame throwers seemed especially effective, but the entity's maneuverable capabilities allowed it to avoid fire teams. The creature seemed to eventually deduce the artifact was no longer present and departed abruptly. No reported deaths at this time, although most area personnel sustained some sort of injury. No further incidents were recorded. Highly recommend future artifact locations continue zero-tolerance policies regarding coffee and/or products that contain caffeine.
On-Site Observation By Security Chief Of Site-1021: "Joe" seems to think he's funny. Engaging him in conversation correctly can start him monologing. It's a good delaying tactic, and worked three times. He's a chatty son of a bitch. However, he tends to slip into nonsequiturs and leave random sentences unfinished. I suspect the creature is simply bat-shit insane.
Psychological Profile: Entity "Joe" is believed to be completely insane due to a wide number of factors.
1. We do not believe he is a "coffee elemental" but an alien from another universe that appears to have been captured and put into service against his will. This "Coffee Elemental" story is just a coping mechanism. On the other hand, his connection to Coffee and its by-products cannot be denied.
2. By inference and research, it appears he may have been in complete isolation and powerless for multiple millennia. This would be enough to drive any self-aware being mad. This might explain his relentless need to talk.
3. He admits to amnesia and then "learning the truth", which may be completely fabricated.
4. There is no evidence of the "control symbol" on the internet anywhere, nor the CBR he spoke of, however, he does show signs of multiple layers of mimetic programming from, more than likely, different sources with conflicting agendas. The Entity frequently shows compulsions to perform certain acts while complaining about them. For example, the Entity will commit horrific acts to serve his purposes but then go out of his way, including losing his objective, to protect innocent bystanders. We believe that there is some "fail-safe" programming left in his psyche. This could be an exploitable weakness.
5. He hates authority to the point of psychosis and paranoia. This has made attempts at peaceful negotiations impossible.
6. He has displayed, what was coined, "terminator" mode, where he does nothing but relentlessly focus on killing a target. It was last activated by Doctor French, the first team leader of this project. Doctor French had developed "Moby Dick" syndrome without it appearing on his psyche exams. In an attempt to lure "Joe" into a trap, he used Agent Max as bait, since Joe had come to Max's rescue on more than one occasion. When Joe failed to show Max commented, "He knows I'm not really in trouble." Doctor French took a pair of pliers and started tearing out Agent Max's fingers. Joe appeared after the third finger was removed. Doctor French deployed his Dehydrator/Psychic Nullifier which succeeded in causing Joe to lose cohesion but failed to capture him. For the next four days Joe relentlessly attacked the base, which went into lockdown and because Doctor French feared reprisals for his actions, did not notify his superiors of the events as they were taking place. On the fourth day Joe had commandeered a cargo plane full of instant coffee and on a rainy night, crashed it into the base. The resulting tidal wave of Coffee quickly scoured the base, freed Agent Max, and Doctor French's body was never found. It is worth noting, that Joe did not utter a single word the whole time he was stalking Doctor French.
Note: Agent Max, missing three fingers, asked for retirement, which was granted. However, despite repeated attempts to administer amnesiacs, Agent Max retains all his memories. Agent Max also states that since retirement, he has been directly in contact with Joe on several occasions, but Joe seems to respect Max's retirement and only makes small talk when he visits. Although there was one conversation that was, "Private, I can tell you it was some major philosophical crap. And that's all I have to say on the matter." Due to the events with Doctor French, no further attempt to use Max as "bait" is authorized. Max also refuses to relay messages because "It's against the rules." Other methods to handle "Joe" will have to be devised.