Rough draft of first chapter. Thoughts, suggestions, and can you figure out the mystery.

ElijahRyne

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Please tell me your thoughts and suggestions. Also, as the title says. I know what the mystery is, but can’t tell if I have given it away by being too heavy handed, or if it is uninteresting, or if I am doing it correctly. Anyways, here is the
A saxophone solo blasted in through the car speakers while I pulled into a parking lot. My dad is sitting beside me. It is surprising to see him without those ‘inch’ thick glasses, but he bought some expensive contacts recently. When was that again…? Mom was still around back then, so it had to be two years ago, but why does it feel like yesterday?

I switched off my dad’s jazz CD and unlocked the doors, child locks even on the driver’s side, the price for a cheap car. I took out one suitcase from the back seat, my dad took the other two. We are supposed to stay here at the Franz Hotel for a week. My cousin has a big concert going on at the end of the week. My dad wanted to turn this into a family reunion. He said something like “It is time for the Burne trio to come together again, Sally, Frank, and…” What was Dad’s name again? Right! “Sally, Frank, and John. We burn all in our way if not by action, by words” For some reason he thinks that makes him sound ‘mysterious and dangerous’.

“Jake, did you lock the car?” My dad asked, while dragging two suitcases behind him. I nodded. Despite having had my license for two years now, he still acts as if it’s my fourth time driving since getting my permit. “Good! You never know if it is safe in cities like this, hell even back home you need to make sure never to leave your car doors unlocked.” He continued.

“Dad, I ain’t five. I know that.”

“Of course, of course. It’s better to be safe than sorry though, I can’t help nagging you. Who else will do that since your mother has disappeared? Unless… have you found yourself a girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Hmm, I am getting old, you know. I want to see my grandkids. A friend of mine has a single daughter. If you want, I co-“

“I am not interested.” I responded. Every week, he says the same thing. It’s annoying.

The Franz Hotel was a four-story building that took up the east half of a city block. It was made of red and pink bricks, with grey sandstone-looking blocks on all of its corners. All sides were dotted with person-sized windows, most of which had their blinds shut. Its entrance was a mundane thing: an automatic sliding door with occasional posters and ads taped on the windows by the door.

The sun set as my dad and I checked in. We were having a family gathering, and my dad nagged me to bring us here a day early. He is the type of guy to show up an hour early to work, and since his vision has gotten worse, I have been his ‘chauffeur’.

I pulled out my wallet and I.D. before I reached the check-in desk. The person behind the desk had short blond hair and was wearing a face mask and a scarf.

“Hello sir, what can I do for you today?” They asked.

“I would like to check out two rooms for a week.” I said.

“You said two rooms, sir?”

“Yes.”

“And that would be from August 15th to August the 22nd?”

“Correct.”

“Would you like the meal plan?”

“Is that like room service, food brought to our rooms?”

“No, no, our kitchen cooks lunch and breakfast every weekday. From 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. for breakfast and from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. If you choose this, your keycard can open the door to the cafeteria.” I looked towards my dad to see what he wanted. I didn’t care either way.

“I think we should get it. It would be nice to meet with Sally and Frank and their kids before we go to the concert tomorrow. I want to see Wen before she goes up on stage.” My dad said.

“Okay, so we will take the meal plan.”

“Great, that would be $75 dollars a day per room. Would you like to pay now or at checkout?”

“At checkout.”

“I will need to scan your I.D..” As I handed them the I.D. I noticed that they were wearing what seemed to be woolen gloves. They put my card into a grey box that glowed a pale green and beeped. They slid my I.D. along the counter.

“Here you go, sir. You have rooms 307 and 308. Wait a second as I get you your keys.” The person behind the counter said as they opened up a drawer on my right. They pulled out two plastic cards and then put each in a paper holder.

“You will need to return these when you checkout. Checkout time is at 9 a.m. and you will be charged ten dollars for every hour over that. May you have a nice stay!” They said with strained enthusiasm. I nodded in response and went to look for stairs or an elevator. When we got out of earshot, my father spoke.

“Don’t you think that guy was strange? He was wearing a winter coat and gloves.” My dad is a gossip. Anyone slightly out of the norms and he will gab on about how weird they are or seem.

“Maybe they had a cold? They were wearing a face mask.” I responded.

“It’s the middle of summer Jake, who the hell wears winter apparel in this heat?”

“Dad, they could be sick, the lobby might get too cold for them, hell it could even be a fashion thing. It isn’t too weird. People do stranger stuff.”

As we rounded another corner, we found an elevator. I hurriedly called it to escape to my room.

“So which room do you want, Jake?” Dad asked.

“Huh?”

“308 is closer to the elevator, while 307 is at the end of the corridor.” He said.

“Have you ever been here before?” I asked.

“No, I have just been paying attention. Every hall we passed so far has fourteen rooms, seven on the left and seven on the right.”

“Aren’t you practically blind?”

“Hey, that hurts. When you start losing your vision, you have to pay attention to your surroundings. I am legally blind, not completely blind, and with these new contacts I am seeing better than ever.” He said, while using his hands to peel back his eyelids. I shook my head and looked away.

The elevator dinged, and we got out. We were in a small room with a vending machine in one corner, a couple of sofas, and a few paintings on the walls. In the center of each pale yellow wall, three hallways branched out.

“Our room is down the left hallway. I call 308.” My dad said as he rushed to the door, dragging his two suitcases behind him. I continued down the hall. On the left-hand wall was room 307. It was near another intersection of hallways.

A hand grabbed my shoulder.

“Remember Jake, we are meeting in the cafeteria at eight in the morning.” My dad whispered before laughing and patting my back. “Don’t be too late. We won’t miss Wen’s concert for you, lazybones!” He said as he walked back to room 308.

I unlocked and entered my hotel room. I took off my shoes, set an alarm on my phone, and fell onto the bed. Sleep claimed me as dreams fell from the sky.

My mom was there in that dream. She was driving a car. Her face hazy. Dad was in the passenger seat, not wearing his glasses. We entered our home driveway, and then our house, before I rushed off to bed. There on my windowsill stood a human-faced frog with a familiar face. It knocked and knocked and knocked its bald head against my window. Its blood-drenched eyes stared into mine. I stared back as the knocking increased in frequency.

Gradually, my awareness returned. I was fully awake, yet the knocking continued. I looked at the hotel window covered in blinds. A dull knocking noise sounded out from the bottom right corner of the window. I hesitated before tiptoeing over to the left side and gently sliding down a blind in an attempt to see what was making the noise. Yet, the noise continued and there was nothing in sight. I pulled up the blinds, my impatience overtaking my fear. It was my mother. The tree outside my window had pierced her stomach and was bashing the back of her head against the window. Her black hair wet with blood.

*Ring Ring Ring*

*Ring Ring Ring*

*Ring Ring Ring*

I jumped out of my bed, grabbed my phone, and opened the blinds to my room. There was no tree, only a parking lot. I sighed. How long has it been since Mom disappeared? I covered my face with my arms. I know it was two years ago, but why does it feel like yesterday?
 
Last edited:

Nolff

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Please tell me your thoughts and suggestions. Also, as the title says. I know what the mystery is, but can’t tell if I have given it away by being too heavy handed, or if it is uninteresting, or if I am doing it correctly. Anyways, here is the
A saxophone solo blasted in through the car speakers while I pulled into a parking lot. My dad is sitting beside me. It is surprising to see him without those ‘inch’ thick thick glasses, but he recently bought some expensive contacts. When was that again…? Mom was still around back then, so it had to be two years ago, but why does it feel like yesterday.

I switched off my dad’s jazz cd and unlocked the doors, child locks even on the driver side the price for a cheap car. I took out one suitcase from the back seat, my dad took the other two. We are supposed to stay here at the Franz hotel for a week. My cousin has some big concert going on at the end of the week. My dad wanted to turn this into a family reunion. He said something like ‘It is time for the Burne trio to come together again Sally, Frank, and…’ What was dad’s name again? Right! ‘Sally, Frank, and John. We burn all in our way if not by action, by words’ For some reason he thinks that makes him sound ‘mysterious and dangerous’.

“Jake, did you lock the car?” My dad asked while dragging two suitcases behind him. I nodded, despite having had my license for two years now, he still acts as if it’s my fourth time driving since getting my permit. “Good! You never know if it is safe in cities like this, hell even back home you need to make sure never to leave your car doors unlocked.” He continued.

“Dad, I ain’t five. I know that.”

“Of course, of course. It’s better to be safe than sorry though, I can’t help nagging you. Who else will do that since your mother has disappeared. Unless… have you found yourself a girlfriend?”

“No.”

“Hmm, I am starting to get old you know. I want to see my grandkids. A friend of mine has a single daughter. If you want I co-“

“I am not interested.” I responded. Every week or so he says the same thing. It’s annoying.

The Franz Hotel was a four story building that took up the east half of a city block. It was made of red and pink bricks, with grey sandstone looking blocks on all of its corners, and all sides were dotted with person sized windows with most of those having their blinds shut. Its entrance was a mundane thing, an automatic sliding door with occasional posters and ads taped on the windows by the door.

The sun began to set as my dad and I checked in. We were having a family gathering, and my dad nagged me to bring us here a day early. He is the type of guy to show up an hour early to work, and since his vision has gotten worse I have been his ‘chauffeur’.

I pulled out my wallet and I.D. before I reached the check in desk. The person behind the desk had short blond hair, and was wearing a face mask and a scarf.

“Hello sir, what can I do for you today?” They asked.

“I would like to check out two rooms for a week.” I said.

“You said two rooms sir?”

“Yes.”

“And that would be from August 15th to August the 22nd?”

“Correct.”

“Would you like the meal plan?”

“Is that like room service, food brought to our rooms?”

“No, no our kitchen cooks lunch and breakfast every weekday. From 6 a.m. to 9 a.m. for breakfast and from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. If you choose this, your keycard can open the door to the cafeteria.” I looked towards my dad to see what he wanted. I personally didn’t care much.

“I think we should get it, it would be nice to meet with Sally and Frank and their kids before we go to the concert tomorrow. I want to see Wen before she goes up on stage.” My dad said.

“Okay, so we will take the meal plan.”

“Great, that would be $75 dollars a day per room. Would you like to pay now or at checkout?”

“At checkout.”

“I will need to scan your I.D.” As I handed them the I.D. I noticed that they were wearing what seemed to be woolen gloves. They put my card into a grey box that glowed a pale green and beeped. They slid my I.D. along the counter.

“Here you go sir. You have rooms 307 and 308, wait a second as I get you your keys.” The person behind the counter said as they opened up a drawer on my right. They pulled out two plastic cards and then put each in a paper holder.

“You will need to return these when you checkout. Checkout time is at 9 a.m. and you will be charged ten dollars for every hour over that. May you have a nice stay!” They said with strained enthusiasm, I nodded in response and went to look for stairs or an elevator. When we got out of earshot my father began to speak.

“Don’t you think that guy was strange, he was wearing a winter coat and gloves.” My dad is a gossip. Anyone slightly out of the norms and he will gab on about how weird they are or seem.

“Maybe they had a cold? They were wearing a face mask.” I responded.

“It’s the middle of summer Jake, who the hell wears winter apparel in this heat?”

“Dad, they could be sick, the lobby might get too cold for them, hell it could even be a fashion thing. It isn’t too weird. People do stranger stuff.”

As we rounded another corner we found an elevator. I hurriedly called it to escape to my room.

“So which room do you want, Jake?” Dad asked.

“Huh?”

“308 is closer to the elevator while 307 is at the end of the corridor.” He said.

“Have you ever been here before?” I asked.

“No, I have just been paying attention. Every hall we passed so far has fourteen rooms, seven on the left and seven on the right.”

“Aren’t you practically blind?”

“Hey, that hurts. When you start losing your vision you have to pay attention to your surroundings. I am legally blind not completely blind, and with these new contacts I am seeing better than ever.” He said while using his hands to peel back his eyelids. I shook my head and looked away.

The elevator dinged and we got out. We were in a small room with a vending machine in one corner, a couple of sofas, and a few paintings on the walls. In the center of each pale yellow wall three hallways that branched out.

“Our room is down the left hallway, I call 308.” My dad said as he rushed to the door dragging his two suitcases behind him. I continued down the hall. On the left hand wall was room 307. It was near another intersection of hallways.

A hand grabbed my shoulder.

“Remember Jake, we are meeting in the cafeteria at eight in the morning.” My dad whispered before laughing and patting my back. “Don’t be too late, we won’t miss Wen’s concert for you, lazy bones!” He said as he walked back to room 308.

I unlocked and entered my hotel room. I took off my shoes, set an alarm on my phone, and fell onto the bed. Sleep claimed me as dreams fell from the sky.

My mom was there in that dream, she was driving a car. Her face hazy. Dad was in the passenger seat, not wearing his glasses. We entered our home driveway, and then our house, before I rushed off to bed. There in my windowsill stood a human faced frog with a familiar face. It knocked and knocked and knocked its bald head against my window. Its blood drenched eyes stared into mine. I stared back as the knocking increased in frequency.

Gradually my awareness returned. I was fully awake, yet the knocking continued. I looked at the hotel window covered in blinds. A dull knocking noise sounded out from the bottom right corner of the window. I hesitated before tiptoeing over to the left side and gently sliding down a blind to attempt to see what was making the noise. Yet, the noise continued and there was nothing in sight. I pulled up the blinds, my impatience overtaking my fear. It was my mother, the tree outside my window had pierced her stomach and was bashing the back of her head against the window. Her black hair wet with blood.

*Ring Ring Ring*

*Ring Ring Ring*

*Ring Ring Ring*

I jumped out of my bed, grabbed my phone and opened the blinds to my room. There was no tree, only a parking lot. I sighed how long has it been since mom disappeared? I covered my face with my arms. I know it was two years ago, but why does it feel like yesterday?
The kind of mysterious short stories my 90's country writers write.

Pretty nice to see em back.

Oh wait, about the chapter. Yes.

It's uhm... I've seen no big reveal.

Nothing that shed some light on the mysterious stuff. Might be my brain, mind, or something else.

But nonetheless, it was a great read. Can't wait for more from you.
 

ElijahRyne

A Hermit that’s NOT that Lazy, currentlycomplainen
Joined
Aug 12, 2021
Messages
1,809
Points
153
The kind of mysterious short stories my 90's country writers write.

Pretty nice to see em back.

Oh wait, about the chapter. Yes.

It's uhm... I've seen no big reveal.

Nothing that shed some light on the mysterious stuff. Might be my brain, mind, or something else.

But nonetheless, it was a great read. Can't wait for more from you.
Thank you! You not finding out is what I intended. I was leaving hints for what is and has happened, but not having the key makes it harder to figure out. Since I have the key it is difficult to tell if I have given away the secret to early.
 

CharlesEBrown

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Joined
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Messages
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Points
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A saxophone solo blasted in through the car speakers while I pulled into a parking lot. My dad is sitting beside me. It is surprising to see him without those ‘inch’ thick thick glasses, but he recently bought some expensive contacts. When was that again…? Mom was still around back then, so it had to be two years ago, but why does it feel like yesterday.

I switched off my dad’s jazz cd and unlocked the doors, child locks even on the driver side the price for a cheap car. I took out one suitcase from the back seat, my dad took the other two. We are supposed to stay here at the Franz hotel for a week. My cousin has some big concert going on at the end of the week. My dad wanted to turn this into a family reunion. He said something like ‘It is time for the Burne trio to come together again Sally, Frank, and…’ What was dad’s name again? Right! ‘Sally, Frank, and John. We burn all in our way if not by action, by words’ For some reason he thinks that makes him sound ‘mysterious and dangerous’.
Don't have time to go through the whole thing but the first paragraph has a mixing of past and present tense that kind of works but may be incorrect. I would suggest re-wording the part abut the glasses so that the word "thick" does not appear twice in a row - at least "inch thick" thick glasses instead of "inch" thick thick glasses - or maybe omit the second "thick" regardless. and the last sentence on the first paragraph appears to be a question but does not have a question mark - either re-word as "yet it still feels like yesterday" or change the "." at the end to a "?"

The first sentence in the second paragraph is weird; suggest more like "Switching off my dad's jazz CD, I unlocked the doors; child locks even on the driver's side was the price paid for a cheap car." or something like that.
Would suggest using double quotes ("") for either actual dialogue ("it's time for the Burne trio...") or "asides" (e.g. the 'Inch Thick' glasses) and single quotes for the other just to make them stand out.
 

ElijahRyne

A Hermit that’s NOT that Lazy, currentlycomplainen
Joined
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Messages
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Don't have time to go through the whole thing but the first paragraph has a mixing of past and present tense that kind of works but may be incorrect. I would suggest re-wording the part abut the glasses so that the word "thick" does not appear twice in a row - at least "inch thick" thick glasses instead of "inch" thick thick glasses - or maybe omit the second "thick" regardless. and the last sentence on the first paragraph appears to be a question but does not have a question mark - either re-word as "yet it still feels like yesterday" or change the "." at the end to a "?"

The first sentence in the second paragraph is weird; suggest more like "Switching off my dad's jazz CD, I unlocked the doors; child locks even on the driver's side was the price paid for a cheap car." or something like that.
Would suggest using double quotes ("") for either actual dialogue ("it's time for the Burne trio...") or "asides" (e.g. the 'Inch Thick' glasses) and single quotes for the other just to make them stand out.
Thank you! Changes have been made. As for the double thick, that is just one of my common writing mistakes, where I try to think of the next word and subconsciously type out the last word.
 

CharlesEBrown

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Okay, finished this. Have a slight suspicion I see where this is going but not sure...
I nodded, despite having had my
Should use a semicolon (;) or dash (-) here to denote change of thought.
Every week or so he
According to my grammar checkers, you make a mistake I make a lot - there should PROBABLY (sometimes I disagree but...) be a comma after the "so"
with grey sandstone looking blocks on all of its corners
Not sure - maybe "each corner was of a gray, sandstone-looking block." or something like that? Just feels awkward.
person sized windows with most of those having their blinds shut.
Maybe: "the windows were roughly the same size as a person, and most had their blinds drawn."
thing, an automatic sliding door with occasional posters and ads taped on the windows by the door.
perhaps "thing; an automatic sliding door with posters and ads taped to the windows to each side of it."
I am seeing better than ever.” He said while using
This works but it might be better as:
I am seeing better than ever," he said while using
The elevator dinged and we got out. We were in a small room with a vending machine in one corner, a couple of sofas, and a few paintings on the walls. In the center of each pale yellow wall three hallways that branched out.
That is kind of awkward - took a second to figure out what it was saying. Maybe mention the walls first, then the openings, sofa and vending machine? Not sure.
I unlocked and entered my hotel room. I took off my shoes, set an alarm on my phone, and fell onto the bed
Could consolidate this a bit: "I unlocked and entered my hotel room, and then took off my shoes. After setting an alarm on my phone, I fell onto the bed"?
My mom was there in that dream, she was driving a car. Her face hazy.
"Though her face in the dream was hazy, I knew it was my mom there, driving the car."
a human faced frog with a familiar face.
"a frog with a disturbingly human - and familiar - face" perhaps?
It was my mother, the tree outside my window had pierced her stomach and was bashing the back of her head against the window. Her black hair wet with blood.
"I saw my mother, suspended there - the tree outside my window had pierced her stomach and the wind was bending the tree, bashing her head against my window; her black hair was wet with blood."
I sighed how long has it been
"I sighed; how long had it been..."
 

ElijahRyne

A Hermit that’s NOT that Lazy, currentlycomplainen
Joined
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Messages
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Points
153
Okay, finished this. Have a slight suspicion I see where this is going but not sure...

Should use a semicolon (;) or dash (-) here to denote change of thought.

According to my grammar checkers, you make a mistake I make a lot - there should PROBABLY (sometimes I disagree but...) be a comma after the "so"

Not sure - maybe "each corner was of a gray, sandstone-looking block." or something like that? Just feels awkward.

Maybe: "the windows were roughly the same size as a person, and most had their blinds drawn."

perhaps "thing; an automatic sliding door with posters and ads taped to the windows to each side of it."

This works but it might be better as:
I am seeing better than ever," he said while using

That is kind of awkward - took a second to figure out what it was saying. Maybe mention the walls first, then the openings, sofa and vending machine? Not sure.

Could consolidate this a bit: "I unlocked and entered my hotel room, and then took off my shoes. After setting an alarm on my phone, I fell onto the bed"?

"Though her face in the dream was hazy, I knew it was my mom there, driving the car."

"a frog with a disturbingly human - and familiar - face" perhaps?

"I saw my mother, suspended there - the tree outside my window had pierced her stomach and the wind was bending the tree, bashing her head against my window; her black hair was wet with blood."

"I sighed; how long had it been..."
Thank you! I just updated it to be a bit better, grammatically at least.
 
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