Rigor Mortis- Looking for feedback.

[ZombieHat]

Only had one reader give me feedback. They said that it wasn't something they would pick off the shelf, but having read it, they enjoyed it very much. Is this something that will pique your interest or not? How is the flow? Let me know your thoughts on Rigor Mortis: Death of the Southern Star.

Rigor Mortis: Death of the Southern Star

Finished. Follow for Book 2, coming soon. Based on works as Berserk, Elden Ring, Conan, Slasher films, and Hunt Showdown. In a world where death no longer holds sway, one man wields the power to bring it back. Rigor Mortis is a Death Knight, an anomaly in a land plagued by...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[Nevafrost]

Only had one reader give me feedback. They said that it wasn't something they would pick off the shelf, but having read it, they enjoyed it very much. Is this something that will pique your interest or not? How is the flow? Let me know your thoughts on Rigor Mortis: Death of the Southern Star.

At least attach the story link

 

[ZombieHat]

At least attach the story link

You're right

 

[CharlesEBrown]

You're right

Either you downsized the text or it's part of your signature. In the former case it's easy to miss, in the latter, most people on mobile devices won't see it so:
Rigor Mortis: Death of the Southern Star | Scribble Hub

 

[greyblob]

The first paragraph of the first chapter is arguablly the most important. If you cut the first part of this chapter out, i guarantee you would have found more success. It is what hooks the reader. What I read was exposition and descriptions that I cared very little about. My interest was peaked with the zealous prengant woman sacrifing her child for a death god (my impression. have not read further yet).

alright i read the second chapter as well. The quality is pretty good. but it feels like it doesn't flow. at least the 2 chapters i read. they were character introductions with heavy descriptions. was the goal? Im not the biggest fan of that

 

[RepresentingWrath]

I am in love with Berserk, probably my favorite piece of art ever. Mentioning it in the first sentence of synopsis sets huge expectations for me. And synopsis just isn't it. I don't feel an ounce of what I deem to be proper grimdark. I see cosplay of gridmark, so I don't want to read it. Doesn't peak my interest.

Friendly advice, don't put your patreon as the first thing a reader sees. I won't speak for everyone here, only for myself. I think it makes you look greedy. Even if you aren't, it makes you look that way.

 

[ZombieHat]

Either you downsized the text or it's part of your signature. In the former case it's easy to miss, in the latter, most people on mobile devices won't see it so:
Rigor Mortis: Death of the Southern Star | Scribble Hub

Thanks!

The first paragraph of the first chapter is arguablly the most important. If you cut the first part of this chapter out, i guarantee you would have found more success. It is what hooks the reader. What I read was exposition and descriptions that I cared very little about. My interest was peaked with the zealous prengant woman sacrifing her child for a death god (my impression. have not read further yet).

alright i read the second chapter as well. The quality is pretty good. but it feels like it doesn't flow. at least the 2 chapters i read. they were character introductions with heavy descriptions. was the goal? Im not the biggest fan of that

Yeah the first two chapters set the tone, after that it flows pretty fast. I was trying to get more of an intersting world building early on, so that it would carry through with the rest of the book well. The book is quite character heavy, with some great action and unique locations, like a town built underneath an undead giant, where they carve the meat off its body for food.
Thanks for the feedback! I will scale down the descriptions a bit from now on and go for more flow.

I am in love with Berserk, probably my favorite piece of art ever. Mentioning it in the first sentence of synopsis sets huge expectations for me. And synopsis just isn't it. I don't feel an ounce of what I deem to be proper grimdark. I see cosplay of gridmark, so I don't want to read it. Doesn't peak my interest.

Friendly advice, don't put your patreon as the first thing a reader sees. I won't speak for everyone here, only for myself. I think it makes you look greedy. Even if you aren't, it makes you look that way.

Breserk is pretty awsome! Sorry the synopsis wasn't up to par, I will try and rework it for a darker tone. The story itself is pretty grimdark if I say so. Full of gruesome scenes, great action, gore, and terrible fates for everyone involved.
Thanks for taking a peek at it though! I appreciate the feedback!