Reviews of my one-shot

[diqllo]

I love writing simple stories or ideas, so I wanted to show you this one, but it's just a one-shot, not an idea I want to develop.



Martin stops in front of the cave entrance.
"My brethren, listen carefully: where we're about to venture, no light will be able to save us."
"Pow! Damn, that's harsh!" says Miron, filming Martin.
"You got everything on film?" asks Martin.
"Hell yeah, man, look what I did."
Miron shows Martin the video with "Aura" written on it.
"Let's go, we're posting it tomorrow."
THE YOUNG ONES
"A little focus, please! There's a demon we need to exorcise in this cave," says the sage.
"Well then, go ahead, old man, we'll wait for you here."
"If you don't come with me, your internship stops right now."
"Oh, you bastard," says Martin.
Martin and Marion follow the sage into the cave.
"Anyway, we're only afraid of God here," says Martin.
"Plus, I've been hitting the gym for 6 months. The demon will be crying for his mama! Him, do twenty push-ups in a row?" says Marion.
"Honestly, I'm not gonna lie, that's not hard," says Martin.
"Hell yeah, fucking crazy, I do way more."
The sage stops in front of a door engraved with weird symbols.
"Stop! Shut your traps, you morons, pay attention, youngsters..."
"What's written on the door there?" asks Martin.
"It doesn't look like English. I think it's Old French. I believe I can read:
'You are not welcome, man of faith.'"
"That's not what it says! Even if it's so poorly written it doesn't look like French," says Marion.
"Oh, excuse us, Marion! Tell us what's written, then," says the sage.
Marion focuses on the door and reads:
"You really have to be a moron to enter here."
"Wow, you're full of shit, that's insane! You studied Latin?" asks the old sage to Marion.
"Well no," Marion replies.
"Well then, shut your trap, Marion," says the sage.
"But old man, your studies, you did them in 1904?" says Marion.
"NOW YOU'RE FUCKING WITH MY BALLS, MARION!" yells the sage.
"Hey, guys, take it easy. Anyway, we're not in the right place," says Martin.
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
Marion grabs his chest. The sage and Martin jump.
"Good point, we're not in the right place," says Marion.
A monster with a white face and yellow teeth comes out of the door.
"Ha, bitch!"
"Yo, old lady, we've got guests!"
"Well no, we're not guests," says Martin.
"Well then, who are you?"
"Well..." replies the sage.
"Don't tell me you're church monks here to exorcise me, because otherwise, this is gonna go to shit!"
Martin, Marion and the old sage speak at the same time:
"No, no, not at all! You're wrong! Well no!"
"Well great, come have dinner then," says the monster.
The three follow him inside and find another monster with the face of a wrinkled old white woman, with a long nose and bald head.
"You're telling me you met these little shits in front of our house?" she asks.
"Like I told you, old hag..."
"I guess we can go fuck ourselves if we wanna sit down," says Martin.
"We're actually invited to dinner?" asks Marion.
"Shut your traps," whispers the sage.
"By the way, if you heard screams, don't worry, it's that crazy old lady who doesn't know how to act in bed."
The sage takes a cup filled with water and drinks it.
The monster looks at the sage.
"But honey, I didn't put my dick in that cup."
"Oh yes you did, there's probably even some hairs left in it," replies the old lady monster.
The sage stops drinking, looks at the glass. Martin and Marion close their eyes. The sage drops the cup on the floor.
A few minutes later:
"Ohhhhh!" cries the monster, with the three (Martin, Marion and the sage) chasing him.
THE END

 

[JHarp]

A very minor bit of feedback that you can ignore is that short stories suffer from characters with similar names.

Martin and Marion both share half the name with each other, making it harder for a quick read in the short story, to tell them apart. This is why main characters tend to have unique starting names.
This also goes for Miron, who I actually missed while casually reading initially due to that exact concern.

This isn't a flaw in writing, only that it can be a stumbling block for readers due to readability within rapid line exchanges.


Edit:

"Pow! Damn, that's harsh!" says Miron, filming Martin.

It occurs to me the first two uses of the name Miron, might be Marion, but with the names having a similar shape, it might have been confused in the initial post.

 

[diqllo]

A very minor bit of feedback that you can ignore is that short stories suffer from characters with similar names.

Martin and Marion both share half the name with each other, making it harder for a quick read in the short story, to tell them apart. This is why main characters tend to have unique starting names.
This also goes for Miron, who I actually missed while casually reading initially due to that exact concern.

This isn't a flaw in writing, only that it can be a stumbling block for readers due to readability within rapid line exchanges.


Edit:

It occurs to me the first two uses of the name Miron, might be Marion, but with the names having a similar shape, it might have been confused in the initial post.

Yes, thank you, I wrote it in a hurry. I didn't notice that about Marion. It's a typo and a proofreading error. I'll go back and check for mistakes.