Hey everyone!
I’m learning to write fiction and have just started my first story. It’s about Evan, a newbie mage getting his first wand, and things get wild with two girls who are kinda obsessed with him—one’s a vampire who remembers her past life!
Only 5 chapters are done so far, and there might be some grammar inconsistencies. Would love any feedback or tips!
Link:
My Magic isn't the only thing that awoke
I understand that this is your first time writing and you had an excitement and passion to continue as readers commented your work.
However, I feel like there's a need to stop you before this thing harms more victims.
So, let's begin with your blurb (sort of, you do know what is a blurb right?):
It’s about Evan, a newbie mage getting his first wand, and things get wild with two girls who are kinda obsessed with him—one’s a vampire who remembers her past life!
1.
Tone & Style
- Right now, it sounds like you’re talking to a friend about your story, not trying to sell it to a reader. A blurb should be more polished and written in a way that invites curiosity.
“...things get wild with two girls who are kinda obsessed with him...”
- This sounds informal and vague. “Wild” how? “Kinda obsessed” doesn’t match the intensity implied by a vampire with past-life memories.
2.
Lack of Specific Stakes
- What happens in the story beyond getting the wand and meeting these girls?
- Why does the vampire remember her past life? Why are they obsessed with Evan? What danger or conflict is coming?
Next, your synopsis:
Wow, you know what is synopsis. Congratulations. To your surprise, most of the author doesn't know how to write one. However, there's still a lot of things that could be improved.
1.
Tone Inconsistency
- The synopsis starts in a serious fantasy tone ("forge his destiny," "magic and danger"), but the use of phrases like:
"harbors a yandere-like obsession"
...clashes with that tone.
The term
“yandere” is niche and anime-specific. If your audience is deeply familiar with anime tropes, it might work. But if you're targeting a broader fantasy readership, this term will confuse or alienate them.
Suggestion: Either:
- Lean fully into the anime-style/light novel tone, or
- Rephrase to keep the obsession theme but in a more universal way (e.g., “possessive, dangerously devoted”).
2.
Cliché or Vague Phrasing
- "Caught between obsession, memories of a past life, and the dangers of the present" — generic.
- "Delicate threads of love, power, and destiny" — poetic, but again too vague.
Suggestion: Use more
specific stakes. What kind of danger is he in? What choices will test him? Why is this love triangle dangerous?
3.
Evan Feels Passive
- The synopsis focuses heavily on the women’s motivations, but Evan feels like a reactive bystander to their actions and the plot.
Suggestion: What does
he want? Is he torn between them? Does he want power, love, peace, answers? Giving him a goal adds agency and makes him feel like a protagonist, not just a prize.
4.
Plot Progression Is Unclear
- The first half reads like a romantic drama, then suddenly pivots into epic fantasy with cults and demon lords.
Suggestion: Weave the two parts more cohesively. How does the romantic conflict relate to the cult’s plan? Is one of the girls involved? Does Evan’s past life connect to the Demon Lord?
One of the main reasons I showed up here was because I took a peek at your 1st chapter, and the first two paragraphs painfully shot me at the heart that I almost gotten myself a cardiac arrest.
The first one is:
It could be clearly seen that you are too lazy to even bother to describe the background. So let me ask you this, where did she spawned? Land of the dead? A house? A forest? A coffin?
The second one is:
So...... do you want to be a voice actor for once and try yelling like that?
As I continued to read, you had lots of weird phrases that I spent hard time trying to digest.
- "And then, the memories of past came." → awkward and vague.
- "Her eyes opened, sharp and glowing faintly..." → her eyes were already open earlier.
- "Everything will go as it should." → tense inconsistency. “Will” and “should” create an odd rhythm.
Suggestions:
- Combine or rephrase repetitive beats.
- Clarify the transformation: What exactly has changed in her? Even a subtle clue (e.g., “the old name tasted foreign on her tongue”) can deepen intrigue.
2.
Line-level polish
Some lines are emotionally potent but could be worded more tightly:
"Pain curled through her limbs like cold fire."
Nice metaphor, but “cold fire” is a bit overused in fantasy. Consider a more unique image.
3.
Overused Tropes
The “waking in darkness with glowing runes and a thirst for vengeance” is familiar. Not bad—but it needs a twist or unique detail to stand out.
Suggestion:
Add a
personal detail. Maybe she remembers something unsettlingly mundane (a lullaby, a childhood smell) to contrast the cosmic tone.
"Valeor Household" (Evandriel’s POV)
1.
Pacing & Redundancy
The wake-up scene takes up a bit too much space without advancing much. For instance:
- “The ceiling came back into blurry focus.”
- “Still half-asleep, he replayed her words…”
You’re spending
multiple paragraphs on Evandriel reacting to waking up. It risks losing reader attention before the "letter twist" lands.
Suggestion:
Trim or condense the repetitive inner thoughts while keeping his personality intact.
2. Tone Consistency
The transition from epic prologue to sleepy teenage banter is fun, but a bit abrupt. Consider a
framing device (e.g., “Meanwhile…” or a chapter title to signal a POV change).
3. Last Line Repetition
“Did she say something about a letter?” — repeated more than once.
Suggestion:
Let his confusion build with a mix of dialogue and inner thought.
4. Technical & Stylistic Notes
- "The world had put her on fire." → probably meant "set her on fire"? The phrasing is off. If intentional, it needs clarification.
- "Check the mailbox... I think somebody got a letter on their name." → should be: "addressed to them" or "with their name on it."
- “Everything will go as it should.” → better as “This time, everything would go as it should.” (tense correction)
5. (To be continued)
Suggestion: Delete it. I don't even need to think to understand that this will be continued. Is this a Jojo reference?
As a bonus, I will add in some areas that you can improve:
- Clarify and tighten your prose.
- Trim redundant lines to improve pacing.
- Add unique details to make familiar tropes feel fresh.
- Smooth the tone transition between the two halves.
