Review my few of my chapter

[Nekouni]

Hohoho, your people in here come and review my story and I make sure I don't bite.(?)

Elysian Online

'Yuna, 21 years old, is a young woman without a clear direction or stable job to support her life. Initially, she aspired to become a player in the virtual world game called 'Elysian Online' after completing her education. However, her dreams were shattered when she failed to secure a game...

www.scribblehub.com

 

[ThrillingHuman]

why the quote sign at the beginning?

"Yuna, 21 year old

also the summary is too infodumpy. You could cut it down and it would do you good. The length of a summary is inversely proportional to the interest I feel towards an unknown novel.

First chapter is literally the summary. I'll end it here

 

[Nekouni]

why the quote sign at the beginning?

also the summary is too infodumpy. You could cut it down and it would do you good. The length of a summary is inversely proportional to the interest I feel towards an unknown novel.

First chapter is literally the summary. I'll end it here

So what do you think about others chapter?

 

[Tyranomaster]

Read through the story, here are my comments from an author standpoint.

1 - I'm not sure if it's genre specific jargon or not, but it's really jarring having a game's distribution device called a capsule. I think just calling it a copy of the game is fine. I was thoroughly confused if it was an all-in-one device or some kind of mystical item.

2 - I'm not sure I follow the logic of the capsules being unavailable after a massive order from the previous year, this operates counter to how market systems work. Normally if you seem to be able to sell all your stock of a material, you can procure even more of it, rather than the other way around (although the price might be higher).

3 - Might be some people's cup of tea, but in the chapters so far, I haven't seen a single reason to care what all the stats actually are, so why even have them? 5 Str? MP, HP, +10% X, what do those values mean, how do they face up against things? (Personally, instead of skipping combat, I'd actually run the combat, quick and dirty, and give the monster its own stats, so we can properly understand why or if something is useful).

4 - While it can be fine to have the mc be able to get any skill easily, you'll probably find out that it inevitably makes any potential challenge non-existent. Depending on the kind of story you plan to tell, that can be fine though! Look at Bofuri as an example for that. If you intend to have meaningful combat though, it can be an issue. (Basically, the reader can lose suspension of disbelief. Other people played this for a year, and somehow no one else was able to do this, but a barista with seemingly no other skill than obsession with the game did? It seems to underestimate the obsessiveness that other players might have). You might also end up suffering from ability bloat, which ends up being a problem in many novels.

 

[TheEldritchGod]

Okay. Normally when I review, I review the first chapter only. Unless yer amazing.

You are not amazing.

You're mixing narration. It's jarring. Go read Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. RIGHT NOW. I don't care if you have been shot and are bleeding out. Find a copy if the book and read it.

Once you are done with that, get that bullet wound patched up, then compare narration styles.

You have the third person omniscent narrator, past tense. Good. But you switch from street level to 10,000 feet and back about 8 times. At most, it should be four a chapter, unless you are Douglas adams, the God of third person omniscient.

You are screwing up the narrator. If the narrator is going to be a character, then let them be a character. If they are gonna comment on events, then they should do it only once, maybe twice.

You should describe things as they happen, but less is more. The less the narrator tells us, the better. You need to show us what the MC is doing, not tell us. The narrator should butt in for context and to tell us what is happening off camera, not kibbutz on everything the MC does.

You opening line sucks.

Your first line is the hook. It is the single most important line in your story. It is the line that makes me read the first paragraph.

The first paragraph is what gets me to read the first chapter.

The first chapter gives me a question. That questions what I, as the reader, should want to know the answer to. The only way to answer that question should be to read your story.

By the end of the book, that question had better be answered, or I'm gonna be pissed.

Elysian Online is a virtual reality video game where players can experience being in a new world to explore and create history with every step they take.

This is your hook?
I am not hooked.
This is back story.

The opening paragraph is also back story and filler. Do you take me for a moron? I can't figure out that EO is a video game? It is in the NAME.

Online.

You waste my time calling me a fuckin idiot. I am too stupid to know that Elysium Online is FUCKIN ONLINE. PERHAPS IT IS A VIDEO GAME OF SOME SORT???

The question for the book is:

Who is monopolizing all the capsuals and will Yuna get a VR play station?

The first half is answered in chapter 2.
The second half by chapter 3.

YOUR BOOK IS OVER. YOU WROTE A 3 CHAPTER BOOK.

Get a new hook. Figure out your question.

As for narration...

Start with describing what is happening that one might see or figure our if they were invisible and watching. If someone is having odd thoughts, give use a thought bubble of the exact thought.

Only pull back to 10,000 feet to narrate at the beginning and MAYBE the end of a chapter. If the narrator is observing and commenting on things, FIGURE OUT THEIR PERSONALITY.

If you need examples, look at my sig and read I Was Summoned. That's how I handle 3rd party omniscent. My narrator is very sarcastic.

But besides all that, it was okay.

I give it an Emu out of ten.

 

[Nekouni]

Okay. Normally when I review, I review the first chapter only. Unless yer amazing.

You are not amazing.

You're mixing narration. It's jarring. Go read Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. RIGHT NOW. I don't care if you have been shot and are bleeding out. Find a copy if the book and read it.

Once you are done with that, get that bullet wound patched up, then compare narration styles.

You have the third person omniscent narrator, past tense. Good. But you switch from street level to 10,000 feet and back about 8 times. At most, it should be four a chapter, unless you are Douglas adams, the God of third person omniscient.

You are screwing up the narrator. If the narrator is going to be a character, then let them be a character. If they are gonna comment on events, then they should do it only once, maybe twice.

You should describe things as they happen, but less is more. The less the narrator tells us, the better. You need to show us what the MC is doing, not tell us. The narrator should butt in for context and to tell us what is happening off camera, not kibbutz on everything the MC does.

You opening line sucks.

Your first line is the hook. It is the single most important line in your story. It is the line that makes me read the first paragraph.

The first paragraph is what gets me to read the first chapter.

The first chapter gives me a question. That questions what I, as the reader, should want to know the answer to. The only way to answer that question should be to read your story.

By the end of the book, that question had better be answered, or I'm gonna be pissed.


This is your hook?
I am not hooked.
This is back story.

The opening paragraph is also back story and filler. Do you take me for a moron? I can't figure out that EO is a video game? It is in the NAME.

Online.

You waste my time calling me a fuckin idiot. I am too stupid to know that Elysium Online is FUCKIN ONLINE. PERHAPS IT IS A VIDEO GAME OF SOME SORT???

The question for the book is:

Who is monopolizing all the capsuals and will Yuna get a VR play station?

The first half is answered in chapter 2.
The second half by chapter 3.

YOUR BOOK IS OVER. YOU WROTE A 3 CHAPTER BOOK.

Get a new hook. Figure out your question.

As for narration...

Start with describing what is happening that one might see or figure our if they were invisible and watching. If someone is having odd thoughts, give use a thought bubble of the exact thought.

Only pull back to 10,000 feet to narrate at the beginning and MAYBE the end of a chapter. If the narrator is observing and commenting on things, FIGURE OUT THEIR PERSONALITY.

If you need examples, look at my sig and read I Was Summoned. That's how I handle 3rd party omniscent. My narrator is very sarcastic.

But besides all that, it was okay.

I give it an Emu out of ten.

Welp that's suck since I pretty much figure everything I could by myself without much knowledge plus English are my third language So I'n trying here.

 

[EldritchPotato]

Okay. Normally when I review, I review the first chapter only. Unless yer amazing.

You are not amazing.

You're mixing narration. It's jarring. Go read Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. RIGHT NOW. I don't care if you have been shot and are bleeding out. Find a copy if the book and read it.

Once you are done with that, get that bullet wound patched up, then compare narration styles.

You have the third person omniscent narrator, past tense. Good. But you switch from street level to 10,000 feet and back about 8 times. At most, it should be four a chapter, unless you are Douglas adams, the God of third person omniscient.

You are screwing up the narrator. If the narrator is going to be a character, then let them be a character. If they are gonna comment on events, then they should do it only once, maybe twice.

You should describe things as they happen, but less is more. The less the narrator tells us, the better. You need to show us what the MC is doing, not tell us. The narrator should butt in for context and to tell us what is happening off camera, not kibbutz on everything the MC does.

You opening line sucks.

Your first line is the hook. It is the single most important line in your story. It is the line that makes me read the first paragraph.

The first paragraph is what gets me to read the first chapter.

The first chapter gives me a question. That questions what I, as the reader, should want to know the answer to. The only way to answer that question should be to read your story.

By the end of the book, that question had better be answered, or I'm gonna be pissed.


This is your hook?
I am not hooked.
This is back story.

The opening paragraph is also back story and filler. Do you take me for a moron? I can't figure out that EO is a video game? It is in the NAME.

Online.

You waste my time calling me a fuckin idiot. I am too stupid to know that Elysium Online is FUCKIN ONLINE. PERHAPS IT IS A VIDEO GAME OF SOME SORT???

The question for the book is:

Who is monopolizing all the capsuals and will Yuna get a VR play station?

The first half is answered in chapter 2.
The second half by chapter 3.

YOUR BOOK IS OVER. YOU WROTE A 3 CHAPTER BOOK.

Get a new hook. Figure out your question.

As for narration...

Start with describing what is happening that one might see or figure our if they were invisible and watching. If someone is having odd thoughts, give use a thought bubble of the exact thought.

Only pull back to 10,000 feet to narrate at the beginning and MAYBE the end of a chapter. If the narrator is observing and commenting on things, FIGURE OUT THEIR PERSONALITY.

If you need examples, look at my sig and read I Was Summoned. That's how I handle 3rd party omniscent. My narrator is very sarcastic.

But besides all that, it was okay.

I give it an Emu out of ten.

Gentle cousin, they know not what they do. Do not get your eyelashes soaked over such unimportant matters.

On a more serious note, I do agree with them. Author, I think you may need to work on your English, maybe do some research on points of view. We all start off somewhere but having a basic sense of grammar is quite important for writing.

Good luck!

 

[Nekouni]

Okay. Normally when I review, I review the first chapter only. Unless yer amazing.

You are not amazing.

You're mixing narration. It's jarring. Go read Hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. RIGHT NOW. I don't care if you have been shot and are bleeding out. Find a copy if the book and read it.

Once you are done with that, get that bullet wound patched up, then compare narration styles.

You have the third person omniscent narrator, past tense. Good. But you switch from street level to 10,000 feet and back about 8 times. At most, it should be four a chapter, unless you are Douglas adams, the God of third person omniscient.

You are screwing up the narrator. If the narrator is going to be a character, then let them be a character. If they are gonna comment on events, then they should do it only once, maybe twice.

You should describe things as they happen, but less is more. The less the narrator tells us, the better. You need to show us what the MC is doing, not tell us. The narrator should butt in for context and to tell us what is happening off camera, not kibbutz on everything the MC does.

You opening line sucks.

Your first line is the hook. It is the single most important line in your story. It is the line that makes me read the first paragraph.

The first paragraph is what gets me to read the first chapter.

The first chapter gives me a question. That questions what I, as the reader, should want to know the answer to. The only way to answer that question should be to read your story.

By the end of the book, that question had better be answered, or I'm gonna be pissed.


This is your hook?
I am not hooked.
This is back story.

The opening paragraph is also back story and filler. Do you take me for a moron? I can't figure out that EO is a video game? It is in the NAME.

Online.

You waste my time calling me a fuckin idiot. I am too stupid to know that Elysium Online is FUCKIN ONLINE. PERHAPS IT IS A VIDEO GAME OF SOME SORT???

The question for the book is:

Who is monopolizing all the capsuals and will Yuna get a VR play station?

The first half is answered in chapter 2.
The second half by chapter 3.

YOUR BOOK IS OVER. YOU WROTE A 3 CHAPTER BOOK.

Get a new hook. Figure out your question.

As for narration...

Start with describing what is happening that one might see or figure our if they were invisible and watching. If someone is having odd thoughts, give use a thought bubble of the exact thought.

Only pull back to 10,000 feet to narrate at the beginning and MAYBE the end of a chapter. If the narrator is observing and commenting on things, FIGURE OUT THEIR PERSONALITY.

If you need examples, look at my sig and read I Was Summoned. That's how I handle 3rd party omniscent. My narrator is very sarcastic.

But besides all that, it was okay.

I give it an Emu out of ten.

Hmm, after doing something about it I think my narrator pretty weak around "Show don't tell" since I unsure how to make this part plus I write in my first language first and then write it back into English slowly.

For hook, right now not much could be changed for it but I will try do something for it later on.

 

[HungrySheep]

Writing "to be continued" at the end of each chapter isn't necessary. The chapters also seem quite short, but maybe that's because of the formatting where every sentence is a new line and frequent dialogue.

 

[Nekouni]

Writing "to be continued" at the end of each chapter isn't necessary. The chapters also seem quite short, but maybe that's because of the formatting where every sentence is a new line and frequent dialogue.

I write it based on light novel way tbh around 1000-1500 but less than 2000 words and I putting to be continued just so I could put where I end this chapter.

 

[ThrillingHuman]

So what do you think about others chapter?

If I were a reader I would not read past first.

 

[HungrySheep]

I write it based on light novel way tbh around 1000-1500 but less than 2000 words and I putting to be continued just so I could put where I end this chapter.

It definitely doesn't feel anywhere close to 1500 or even 1000, but maybe it's—again—because of the formatting provided. I think you can definitely work on creating more definitive chapter endings as opposed to writing "To be continued..." which comes off as lazy to more experienced readers. I think your concept is solid, but the execution needs a little more work.

 

[Nekouni]

It definitely doesn't feel anywhere close to 1500 or even 1000, but maybe it's—again—because of the formatting provided. I think you can definitely work on creating more definitive chapter endings as opposed to writing "To be continued..." which comes off as lazy to more experienced readers. I think your concept is solid, but the execution needs a little more work.

Basically just add something like cliffhanger or something or maybe make a neat closing for that chapter?

 

[Kalliel]

I a lot of the time end my chapters with jokes, or, cliffhangers.
It really doesn't take much work, believe me.

 

[Nekouni]

I a lot of the time end my chapters with jokes, or, cliffhangers.
It really doesn't take much work, believe me.

I see that's interesting, I will work on that part and how about the English like grammar and etc since English are my third language and each chapter take some time to make so I could correct any grammar mistake?

 

[HungrySheep]

Basically just add something like cliffhanger or something or maybe make a neat closing for that chapter?

That would be a huge improvement compared to "To be continued...", yes. Finding an editor/proofreader who has experience with translated content would be helpful too as I just saw your post about writing the story in your native language first.

 

[Nekouni]

That would be a huge improvement compared to "To be continued...", yes. Finding an editor/proofreader who has experience with translated content would be helpful too as I just saw your post about writing the story in your native language first.

I mostly did everything by myself and for me this is for fun I do when I got time.

 

[HungrySheep]

I mostly did everything by myself and for me this is for fun I do when I got time.

Epic. On an unrelated note, I like your profile picture.

 

[Nekouni]

Epic. On an unrelated note, I like your profile picture.

It's from anime from Onimai and I found many funny face similar to this in there.

Epic. On an unrelated note, I like your profile picture.

Anyway do you write any story by you own?

 

[HungrySheep]

It's from anime from Onimai and I found many funny face similar to this in there.

Anyway do you write any story by you own?

My story is Crest of the Strongest Knight. Thanks for asking!