Review for chapter 2

A-Random-Writer

Just a random guy with story to tell
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This is the 2nd chapter to my story about a cross over between Helldivers 2 and Warhammer 40k. How is it? Did i rush through scenes again?


Humanity. A species bound only to their will. In times of need, they unite to ensure their survival. But when their will is broken, death follows.

"Commander Akio! Multiple hostiles approaching from the south!" A cadet jumped behind a barrier as a bullet flew by him.

20 Helldivers. Insurmountable odds behind enemy lines. An impossible mission by most standards. Yet it had to be done.

"Shit. Get an orbital rail cannon strike on them!" He yelled out as he shot his pistol over the destroyed mech he took cover behind.

The cadet fumbled with the stratagem ball before finally setting it.

"Clear the area!" He threw the ball towards the hulks of armor as they moved towards them.

"Orbital strike confirmed- Super Destroyer taking heavy fire- Get to the escape pods-" A loud boom came over the battlefield.

"What was that? That couldn't have been our ship-" Akio looked up.

A ship clad in black and yellow burned. Their only hope slowly fell towards its inevitable demise.

"Sweet liberty... god dammit, this is worse than expected." The divers on the ground stood in horror as the rest of their ships jumped away from the battlefield.

Left to complete their mission on their own, their odds looked grim.

"We need to keep moving. If we stay here, their ships and artillery will home in on our positions."

Akio stood up and pointed towards a flag off in the distance. Their destination.

"Sergeant Wright, get your Anti-Tank rifles to clear a path! The rest of you, get onto your feet and advance!"

With little hesitation, the rest got up and joined the fray.

Bullets filled the air as fires raged across the old wheat fields. Dead civilians were thrown into piles and burned, sending the stench of burning fabric and flesh into the once peaceful planet.

"Men, look how they ravaged our land! Fight for the people they killed!" Akio ran up to one of the beasts and fired his laser rifle into its back, causing it to collapse.

A diver pumped his fist into the air.

"FOR SUPER EARTH-"

A red mist replaced him.

Another diver ran through the mist, charging towards one of the beasts as it prepared to fire at the oncoming divers.

He jumped up onto it, covering its visor. The beast grabbed the diver's waist and crushed his lower body.

He didn't scream. He still fought. Holding onto the neck plate of the beast's armor. He pried the helmet off, revealing a human face much like his.

"You bitch! Copying humanity to spare your own life! I have a surprise for you then! Copy this!" The diver slammed an impact grenade into the beast's skull, blowing off the head of the beast.

It collapsed to the ground, bringing the remains of the diver with it.

Akio stood in disbelief. Even in certain death, he still fought. A respectable death. Yet an unnecessary one.

"God dammit, stay alive! You're all we have to complete this mission!"

"Ultramarine, come in!" The helmet of the beast lay on the ground by the bodies.

"Ultramarine, fall back to the silo! We can't let these heretics launch the missile."

Akio ran over to the helmet and picked it up. Blue coloring with a red visor. An Ultramarine.

"Sergeant, get over here!" He signaled over Wright, who was tending to a wounded diver.

"What's the problem, sir?" Wright brushed off the dirt on his shoulders.

Akio handed the helmet to Wright.

"The comms are still live. Get someone to listen to them and attempt to send the data to high command."

Wright nodded and ran off to a diver with a radio backpack.

"Commander. We have 15 divers remaining. We can try and push the objective now, while they retreat." The cadet from earlier stood beside him, holding an Anti-tank rifle.

"They have defenses up there. They want us to attack. We're lucky these two right here are dead." Akio shook the ultramarine.

"Co-commander... did- did I get him?" The diver with his mangled under body and fractured helmet lay on the ground, clinging to what little bit of life he had.

Akio stood in shock, watching the diver crawl out of the hands of the marine.

Akio ran up to him and helped pull him out.

"What's your name, diver?" Akio took off the diver's helmet, revealing his bloodied face.

"I'm Nate Brasch." The diver's eyelids began to flutter.

"Corporal Brasch, you fought well. Your heroism has allowed us to advance in the name of Super Earth. Rest easy, diver. Your job is done." Akio patted the diver's shoulder as his head rested upon the soil of the war-torn planet. His fight was over.

Akio stood up, looking at the ultramarine. His armor was scorched and cracked with a damaged power pack.

"They were just scouts. This isn't even the worst to come."

Suddenly, the planet shook.

A new vessel came over the atmosphere. It was lined in gold and skulls. It dwarfed anything Akio had seen.

"Heretics. Prepare to face the wrath of the God-Emperor. This is his mercy to your feeble existence." A voice boomed over the battlefield as shells started to rain down over the helldivers.

"Shit! Take cover!" Akio ducked into an old trench that provided little cover.

A diver wearing a blue armor set ran towards the trench Akio sat in. He was carrying a wounded diver.

Akio sat up and waved towards him.

"Come on! Just a little more!" Akio beckoned for them to take cover.

"Don't worry, we are going to make it."

"I know we will. Democracy protects-" A shell landed right on them, exploding instantly.

Akio was sent back to the other side of the trench. Dirt and rubble were set down around him. He stood back up, looking towards where the divers were.

Nothing remained. Just a smoldering crater.

Akio slumped down. Looking towards the sky, the ship fired down upon his soldiers. Yet he didn't feel anything. The shells exploding and the gunfire whizzing past him began to blend in.

Akio remembered when the invasion began. 1 billion divers died within the first two weeks. Super Earth was under attack. Everyone around him lost hope. Except for his grandfather. He fought in the second galactic war. He watched humanity near extinction twice. Watching it begin to fall for a third time angered him.

This filled Akio with hope. Maybe they could win. Maybe they could survive.

Akio's fist clenched. Humanity was meant to fight. Not go silently.

He stood up and looked over the trench. His objective was right in front of him.

"Men! Whoever is left. Stand with me and fight! We do not die here! For Super Earth!" Akio jumped out of the trench and charged to the point.

Bullets whizzed by him, screaming. The ground erupted as bullets hit around him, flinging dirt and ash into the air, covering his uniform.

He ran through the battlefield as explosions sprang up around him. His advance seemed unstoppable.

BOOM!

An Ultramarine stood in front of him. His armor was pristine. He carried a pistol the size of a recoilless rifle.

"Your efforts are honorable but useless, helldiver." The ultramarine picked up Akio and pointed the pistol at him.

"You have led your men to slaughter." The ultramarine squeezed tighter. Akio's armor began to crack.

Akio laughed and shook his head.

"You're the useless one... Wright, launch it."

The ground began to shake as the roar of the missile filled the air.

The missile rose into the sky and raced towards the ship in the sky. Breaching the ship's shield with pure force, it crashed into the side of it, exploding, sending a shockwave across the battle.

Akio and the ultramarine crumbled to the ground, releasing Akio from his grip.

The ship jumped away as the damage became apparent. But the skies didn't remain empty. They were filled with a familiar shape and color.

Super Destroyers.

"This is the 23rd Helldiver brigade, deploying troops to the combat zone."

The skies began to fill with hell pods as thousands of helldivers were sent down to secure the planet.

"Commander Akio, we did it!" Wright ran over to Akio. He carried the flag of Super Earth.

"We pushed them back! We beat the odds!"

"We did, didn't we?" Akio began to stand up.

"Just a little longer before we go home-" A gunshot rang out, cutting off Wright.

Wright slowly looked down as his armor began to turn red.

He collapsed. The Ultramarine stood behind him, holding his weapon at Akio.

"For the emperor!"

CRACK!

The ultramarine was cut in two.

Akio looked up. A Super Destroyer had hit it with a rail cannon.

Akio immediately ran to Wright, who was lying on the ground looking up into the sky.

"Wright!" Akio kneeled beside him.

"Looks like... we won. Beating the odds even when they said we would lose." Wright took off his helmet, revealing his blue eyes.

"Yes, very poetic, but we need to get you a medic." Akio looked around.

"No, don't. They can't help me. I can't imagine a better way to go out."

"Don't speak like that!"

"MEDIC! I NEED A MEDIC!" Akio screamed out.

"Commander, it was an honor serving with you. Please carry on, for humanity." He took his last breath and closed his eyes.

"They depend on you."
 

Eldoria

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Well, this chapter actually describes the battle adequately, but perhaps lacks tension.

It's worth noting that I'm not a fan of the fanfic you used as a reference for this chapter, so my opinion is limited to the assumptions of a non-fanfic causal reader.

In this chapter, you attempt to describe an intense battle through character interactions. Herein lies the problem: your battle is depicted more through dialogue... instead of showing the horrors of the battle on the battlefield.

As a result, the tension of the battle tends to be flat because the horrors of the battle are conveyed through character dialogue, rather than directly showing the reader the brutal and bloody scenes.

In a real battle, communication is difficult. You won't have enough time for lengthy dialogue. You're more likely to communicate concisely through coded language, short instructions, and body language.

If you replaced about ~2/3 of the narrative at the beginning with narratives of action, battlefield atmosphere, body language, and short, sharp dialogue, the tension of the battle would be more palpable, more impactful, and make the reader shiver.

You actually tried to do this at the end of the chapter, but unfortunately, the portion was still small compared to the battle narrative at the beginning.
 

A-Random-Writer

Just a random guy with story to tell
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Messages
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Ah i see what you mean. When i get time to work on chapter three i will take this into account. Thank you for leaving some feedback, though!
 
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