Requesting Feedback on a Fantasy Adventure story. Review for Review!

[HarperMcFarlane]

(In order to get the feedback I seek I am willing to do review for review! Just link your stuff after giving me my review and I’ll return the favor. Please and thank you.)

Hi there, I’m fairly new on the Scribblehub scene and was hoping to get some feedback on what I’ve been working on so far. It’s the first installment of a high fantasy adventure series I’m working on with slow burn queer romantic subplots (one gay best friends to lovers, one lesbian enemies to lovers) and multiple POVs called Through The Dark. So far it is 15k words and has five chapters up. I don’t expect or anticipate anyone to read all five but even just some feedback on the first three would be awesome as they establish the main conflict of the story.

It follows four dryads who are scrambling to find the last remaining statue of their creator goddess in a spooky forest after a bunch of the magical life-prolonging peaches they were meant to cultivate goes missing. There’s an angry Archfey and her lycan minions hot on their heels to contain the wayward dryads as they stray too close to truths better left hidden.

Genres include Fantasy, Adventure, Romance, Mystery, Psychological, Horror and Drama.

It’s largely a mythological prologue that opens up to a wider story involving elements of European fairytales and Greek mythology with a hint of homebrew Dungeons and Dragons references since I actually run a campaign on this world. But my main focus has always been to create an original fantasy series. The romance plots are slow burn due to the nature of them being subplots but they still play a part in the narrative.

Here’s the blurb below:

When scores of Perennial Peaches wind up stolen the dryads who cultivate them end up at the mercy of a wrathful Archfey. To save their community four dryads band together to seek out their creator's last remaining statue hidden in The Dark, a cursed forest shrouded in shadow beyond the safety of The Orchard.

Theon struggles to balance his duty as Warden Commander and his unspoken infatuation with the alleged thief named Warren. Oíche, Warren's twin, claims to have knowledge of the statue's location. Nejaht is a rising star determined to bring Warren to justice. Binnei must prove her worth in a quest far beyond her years to earn a spot within the Warden ranks as the first Springborn to join the faction in known history.

As their path grows darker secrets are unearthed, loyalties are tested, and the line between salvation and betrayal begins to blur. Will they find their Maker's blessing in time to save their people or will their bonds shatter under the weight of internal conflict?

***
Link to the story here!

 

[HarperMcFarlane]

Bump— I hope that’s allowed.

 

[sbdrag]

I don't need a review, just though the story sounded neat. So, first: your blurb is a bit wordy. I think you can make it a little more eye-catching with something like:

Four dryads band together to save their community, journeying beyond the safety of the Orchard into the Dark.

When scores of Perennial Peaches wind up stolen, the dryads who cultivate them are the mercy of a wrathful Archfey. Warden Commander Theon is caught between his duty and his attraction for Warren - the thief that's doomed them. Warren's twin Oíche claims to have knowledge of the last statue of their creator, the one thing that might save them. Rising star in the Wardens Nejaht is determined to bring Warren to justice, while the naive Binnei intends to prove she's worthy of becoming the first Springborn in the order.

Will they find their Maker's blessing in time to save their people... or will their bonds shatter under the weight of what they uncover in the dark?

I did just rearrange some things - your second line is a nearly perfect logline. It delivers everything I need to know before I read the more detailed breakdown of the plot - the Who, the What, and the Why.

Who: Four dryads
What: journey outside the Orchard into the Dark
Why: to save their community

Boom. Now my interest is piqued to learn more. You don't necessarily need to explain the Dark is a cursed forest here - readers can infer if the Orchard is safe, the Dark is not. Now we can introduce the specific stakes and characters involved. The last paragraph I cut down to basically the last line as well, because this is another one where we can infer just from each character's description that there will be internal conflict along the way.

Moving on to the story itself.

I get it. The Orchard is central to the plot. But since we already know that from the synopsis, you don't really need to Chekov's gun it by opening the story on it when you immediately pivot to a different scene. In fact, you can probably just open on "Eyes on me, Binnei!" and it would improve the flow a lot.

This is more of a me thing than anything, but here:

“AAAH—! Time out, time out!” The young Springborn jumped back with her hands flying up in surrender. Theon’s brow arched expectantly but he stepped closer still, branch poised to strike again. This sapling had to learn how to act under pressure. Even if the pressure was simply to remember the proper phrase to stop her training.

Start a new paragraph when you describe Theon's reaction. I know it's not technically incorrect, but it'll help the flow by separating Binnei's actions and dialogue from Theon's response. I usually think of it as non-verbal dialogue - it's still a back and forth, like how you made new paragraphs for Binnei and Theon's fighting moves against each other.

The Firstborn’s nose wrinkled as he took his first bite, quick to swallow to put it behind him.

“So...” the Firstborn began casually to break the silence. He kept his tone light and conversational.

Between these two lines would be a better place to introduce the Orchard - from Theon's point of view. It'll help the reader feel the "silence" before Theon speaks to have something between the dialogue and the previous paragraph. Him admiring the Orchard seems like a pretty easy go-between.

Going to try to be less specific from here on - I really like your characters and you show their personalities really well through their interactions with each other. You do use some non-standard markers pretty frequently - all caps and bold, specifically - that might bother some people, but I don't think it's a deal breaker. I'm not sure why you use "male" instead of "man"? That one distracts me every time because you use it where it would just be more natural to say "man" instead (in my experience). Especially as you do use "men" and "woman" later on. Still not a deal-breaker, just a little thing to consider. There's some minor spelling and grammar errors you might want to go over again, but nothing that stands out from the norm when it comes to publishing. Mostly missing spaces, some run-on sentences, and a missing word or two.

There's also times when you use phrases and words that feel very modern for the more fantastical setting? If it were often, I'd adjust quickly, but it just kind of pops up out of nowhere. "Yeah, baby!" or "semi updo" or "hang out" feel out of place in a not-purposeful way. If they're meant to be nods that the "Otherfolk" are, possibly, humans in the modern era, it would make more sense for Theon to react to them as being odd phrasing - and for them to be more limited to Warren, and a bit more consistent with him. If that's not the intent, double-checking for that sort of thing would be good on an editing pass.

I would move the flashback. It's a good flashback, but it completely kills the momentum of the story. It would be better to use it when it comes back to Theon's point of view than to break up such a dramatic scene - open with it to remind the reader about the compass, since I imagine there will be a good chunk of story from the other POVs before it's back to Theon.

I'm also not sure why it's not okay for Theon and Warren to be together? Like, are the dryads homophobic? Is it the (relative) difference in age?
Theon's position of authority? Does being First Warden mean Theon isn't... allowed relationships, for some reason? Is it just because so many of the other dryads see Theon as a paternal figure? Just a little hint at why there are "whispers" about their friendship would clear things up a bit, because I don't know the rules of their society. I get why Theon can't (or doesn't want to) leave, but he doesn't have to leave just to have a relationship. I only ask for this one sooner because it's such a focus of the first 3/4 chapters, it would help to know the why.

The only other specific point I get hung up on here is that in the blurb Warren is the "alleged" thief - but we find out in the second chapter he is the thief, he admits to it. That's why I changed things in my blurb suggestion. Alleged implies he's been accused without proof, and the audience just finds out too soon the really hedge it as a mystery in the blurb.

Overall, though, really solid characterizations, good flow aside from the specific things I mentioned here, and I'm definitely intrigued by the plot. It really feels like a different world and the stakes are well established in a relatively short time before we get to the action. Well done!