Hello, everyone. As you can see, I'm requesting beat readers to look for any clear mistakes in this series. I just completed my first act of my first volume and I want at least three beta readers for it to see what they think of it, as it's currently on hiatus right now. Please respond if you're interested. Thank you.
Eighteen-year-old Dilara served as the sole maid in a mansion for her cruel sisters and Mother, never got a chance to explore life outside of work. To make matters worse, her family was in danger and the kingdom of Castoria was nearly destroyed. Tired of her misery, she begins to...
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Nope. I'm sorry to say, but I can't read what you're writing. You should go back and rewrite everything from the start. Let me tell you why:
The synopsis:
Eighteen-year-old Dilara served as the sole maid in a mansion for her cruel sisters and Mother,
as she never got a chance
to explore her life besides work. Tired of her misery, she begins to go on a quest to defeat the dark lord and save the galaxy of Aniva
after her kingdom was nearly destroyed and
her family was in danger. How will she ever defeat the dark lord when fate's preventing her from doing so though?
I get you want to talk about your MC, but please, learn how to connect sentences without relying on pronouns! This is making this a mess to understand. It is so fragmented that I have trouble making sense of what you want to mean here. A pronoun is to refer to someone, not to be used as a connective.
Also, the presentation is terrible:
Shakila's foot knocked the bucket over to the floor near Dilara, while Ingrid walked beside Shakila, chuckling viciously.
Why is that you made this phrase so confusing? First comes the person's foot, then a bucket, then you tell me they were walking nearby someone, and you end the paragraph with more action! If you wanted to make a whole of a mess in the reader's head, you made it from the first sentence of your novel! I had not even had a proper image of what your novel was about, and I did not manage to get. That much confusion right from the onset.
You do not bother to present your readers your characters, instead, when it fancies you, you describe what is supposed to be in their minds, their feelings. This is OK, but this is amidst action and more action, convoluted action of the sort of the very first paragraph:
When Dilara arrived at the mansion as a poor little lass, she recalled a wealthy man, Father, taking her under his wing, even treating her like a princess. Mother did accept her for a
while until he gave Dilara everything she could ever want, and spent time with her—more than his own two daughters—even though she remained unspoiled herself.
Let's not mention that your phrases also don't make sense. "Until he gave Dilara everything she could ever want"? You later say it was after his death, but this means it was until he gave everything she could ever want. You really ought to watch for your words. The way you have worded this is a complete mess. Things just don't connect.
Also, your spacing is a complete mess. You really ought to reduce how much space there is between each paragraph. If I'm going to be reading, I should be spending my time reading your words and not scrolling your text.
I have checked your later chapters and I saw that you have fixed the spacing, but let me tell you, you really should stop explaining things so thoroughly. People aren't stupid. We know that we need places to lie down, we know that people need words to be said, they need cloth to tie around wounds. Why are you going so out of your way to explain these little things? Are you trying to complete a word quota per chance?
She then looked up
at the top of the waterfall and saw no flying beast standing there. She sighed out of relief
and continued gazing at it. She resumed
looking for a surface area to lie down.
And please, where before you overused your pronouns, you forgot to use pronouns altogether. Why is it "Mother", "Mother", "Mother"?
While Dilara sighed calmly and was about to aim her palm at her enemy, the monster already stabbed
Mother on the chest and
Mother collapsed to the ground.
Mother's eyes remained open with some blood oozing on the ground. Ingrid and Shakila screamed at and kneeled down at the corpse, as their tears were raining upon her; Dilara just frowned at the corpse.
I did not feel any sympathy for her death. Nada. Zero. Try again next time. Just repeating the name is actually bothersome…
Overall:
Your first chapter is terrible. You really ought to go back to it and rewrite it. Compared to what you have later on, the difference is alarming. I suppose you did some real improvement compared to when you began writing. I do not know, but the latest one I can actually follow the English. Yet, that does not mean the latest one is up to good. Why are you wasting so many words describing stuff that readers know for a fact? Why is that I have to read things that are obvious? Why are you not trying to make rapport with your readers with what your characters are feeling, and are instead wasting their time describing what is obviously wasted space? It is purely waste of time and words.
PS.
You surely asked for "Beat"en readers, not Beta, btw.
