Redemption Arc (I guess): Chapter Review 3.0 (?)

[Boundless]

After several weeks of busy schedule, summer break finally came just yesterday. Now that I have time to adjust my first chapter, I want you guys to review it. (Here we go again ?)

I changed my secondary FMC so that she won't be overshadowed by the primary MC, and made my MC even weirder as possible (because it is a suggestion) by... maybe toning him down. Oh, I also add interaction with the FMC friends, so that her "outgoing" personality would be justified.

Once the first chapter is settled, I will adjust the second chapters down to the last part of the first volume.

Draft

"W-What just happened...?" "Did you guys see that?" Everyone at Class 1-A was stunned at what they just witnessed. Their teacher, Mr. Watanabe, was on the ground. He just sat there—bewildered like everybody else. "That makes no sense... Both of them should've been hit by his back!" Watanabe chec...

docs.google.com

le me after I finished the revision:

 

[MasterY001]

So, in addition to reading your revised chapter 1, I took the time to skim other parts of your story and read the reviews of other readers. It's been a while since I've done one of these critiques, but here I go:

Let's get all the bad out first. The first review you received and the last review both summarize my overall feelings for your story quite well. An "eccentric" high schooler (i.e. the class noodle arms) is coincidentally approached by the class optimist, and they go on some long-ass adventure to fall in love. Sound familiar? Yeah, it's the premise of My Dress-Up Darling and every other slice of life anime. About as much variety as white bread.

Add in the isekai factor and give Noodle Arms McGuffin-Style Telekinesis, and you got yourself a very cookie cutter opener that no amount of good writing could salvage. And while I won't pretend to be an expert in East Asian school culture (dude, I went to high school in New York), you clearly only used school life anime and webtoons as research material. It'll be like reading a Japanese-written high school novel based on High School Musical and Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

Aside from that, the chapter itself is quite well-written. Very few grammatical errors which I approve of (a few missing or incorrect words, but I doubt most readers care). Vocabulary is acceptable in complexity, variety, and flow. It is a little long for a first chapter due to an overly detailed description of our protagonist and heroine, but I like reading, so I don't consider that a bad thing. The best part was that social commentary at the end by Noodle Arms. You provided a very clear image of the type of character he is with a single scene.

An improvement I suggest you consider is to trim down your descriptions and cringy banter. I'd also include more details on the confusion and panic that followed the kids' disappearance. Surely the world would be upset, angry, intrigued, and/or afraid at the fact two high-schoolers just Blipped into thin air. Unlike your long-winded description of Heroine Girl's bosoms, this would add more emotional weight which your story could use.

 

[Boundless]

An improvement I suggest you consider is to trim down your descriptions and cringy banter. I'd also include more details on the confusion and panic that followed the kids' disappearance. Surely the world would be upset, angry, intrigued, and/or afraid at the fact two high-schoolers just Blipped into thin air. Unlike your long-winded description of Heroine Girl's bosoms, this would add more emotional weight which your story could use.

I see. Most likely I will add more intrigued factor (by announcing the event all over japan in every media outlets).

May I ask where's the cringy banters? Is it on the rooftop scene?

Edit: I highlighted the added and altered lines. Hope you'd review it too.

 

[Madmcgee]

I see. Most likely I will add more intrigued factor (by announcing the event all over japan in every media outlets).

May I ask where's the cringy banters? Is it on the rooftop scene?

Edit: I highlighted the added and altered lines. Hope you'd review it too.

Took a look as well, and yeah, the dialogue on the roof is definitely odd. Doesn't feel like a real conversation between people. Having it emotionally charged is all well and good, but it's gotta be relatable and natural.
Just my two cents.

 

[Boundless]

Took a look as well, and yeah, the dialogue on the roof is definitely odd. Doesn't feel like a real conversation between people. Having it emotionally charged is all well and good, but it's gotta be relatable and natural.
Just my two cents.

It was intentional, because the male MC is THAT weird (that's why the FMC implied that she couldn't keep up with the discussion because all his questions were simply bizarre), plus you can see that Reika's responses are pretty superficial, yet Soru's questions are complex and out-of-place in a normal conversations.

Plus she never met a person before that asks like the male MC. the disparity between her discussion with a group of friends and Shin Soru is evident, suggesting that male MC really lacks social skills, even just like holding a proper or decent conversation to anyone.

that's my way of emphasizing his "eccentric-ness." maybe the portrayal was too much? it's his nature that he's weird, so he gotta act weird.

 

[Madmcgee]

For sure, it makes sense, and I get where you're going with it. Bit of a tough one if the goal is awkwardness.

But, for the sake of playing devil's advocate, consider how it might read from the outside in, take me for example, who didn't have the same context I do now. I'd say a lot of people might say or see the exact same thing I did at first and find it jarring.

Maybe consider working in his brand of 'weird' in other ways, maybe a splash of offbeat comedy, some shock value or a touch of exasperated introspection. There's a few ways I'd personally go at it, but that's just me.

Again, take it all with a grain of salt, it's your story to tell but, I've had more than enough people tell me to make sure my dialogue is interesting in one manner or another to make sure it's engaging, just passing the advice along is all.

 

[MasterY001]

I disagree with the Madmcgee. Having the dialogue be a bit cringy fits in this scenario. This second revision to your third revision is a step in the right direction.

However, I still highly recommend re-examining your premise. Even though your story seems very popular, it isn't unique in any way. In the future, do more research and think outside the box.