Pls give me constructive feedbacks, I am trying to improve my writing style.

Darkcrow.

Tarnished
Joined
Feb 1, 2019
Messages
69
Points
58
This is my 2nd draft, So please ignore any grammatical mistakes.
“Master, It is time,” The old house elf said in exhaustion as he dragged his old decade body towards his master’s table. His steps weary and haggard, With each steps he took an intense pain flared throughout his back. That pain and shortened breaths making it difficult to bite down a pained moan that threatened his master’s comfort.
“Ma…Master,” Despite all the exhaustion he somehow managed to call out to his master. A few feets away, sprawled on the study table, his master finally opened his exhausted pitch black eyes. His black hairs disarrayed, His waistcoat tarnished by dust which plagued the entirety of the manor. An immeasurable shame filled his heart as he looked at his master’s disarrayed state. What kind of house elf couldn’t even keep his master’s cloths from getting dirty, What kind of house elf couldn’t even clean a single room for his master to live into, He truly was nothing but a burden on his master. Dovrick truly was a useless elf. Yet despite all his flaws, His master didn’t give him cloths, didn’t kick him out, Didn’t abandoned him. His master truly was kind, far kinder than he deserved.
His master frowned as looked around himself, Realizing where he spent the entirety of his night again. Without wasting another second, he again went back to his work, carving something on the skin paper. His master truly was relentless.
Looking at the dark circle under his master’s determined eyes he felt a pang of sadness. Ohh how he wished for his master to rest, how he wished for his master to take a break and be like the late master when he was in his teens. But Dovrick knew better. He knew what was at stake, he knew what drove his master to such extant, and what he would do to attain it. After all, everything was worthless when it came to restoring the honor of the Rosier family.
He hoped one day, His master’s sacrifices would bear fruits, And the Rosier family would once again represent true power.
“M…M…Master your breakfast is ready,” His voice came out hoarse, despite him trying to sound normal.
“Place it on the table,” His master said impatiently, Too engrossed in his work.
With a snap of his finger the breakfast was served on the table, A French Omelette and toast, master’s favorite.
Dizziness took over him along with the shame. What kind of elf gets tired by just preforming simple magic, He truly was useless.
“You may leave Dovrick,” His master brought him back from his self-loathing. “Also, don’t forget to get some rest,”
Dovrick eyes moistened, and his exhaustion and dizziness didn’t seems to matter. His master truly was kind.
………………………………………………………………………..
It was just any other day for Lucien. Waking up on his desk, Working on complex rituals, Wasting his limited resources on unsuccessful rituals and going back to restless sleep. It has been his routine since the day he returned from Hogwarts.
The rituals he read about from the restricted section seemed impossible to replicate to his satisfaction. He had modified the ritual, He had tried different skins to carve on, He had even changed the very working of the ruins, Yet nothing worked. And that dread even intensified, when the last of that precious skin paper he had, disinterested into purple flames.….Another failure
A sudden intense anger bubbled inside him, And in rage he kicked the table down, knocking down everything with it. Ink spilled across the dusty carpet floor, soaking his precious papers, His breakfast overturned uneaten, and his wand sprawled at a corner, it’s edge pointed towards him, As if accusing him of hurting it.
Looking at this mess, his anger instantly vanished as if it was never there, Leaving behind cold emptiness. Why did he even lash out like a beast, It was senseless, and beneath his usual controlled self. This outburst has become a regularity since the day he came back from Hogwarts.
He pulled out his pocket-watch, A Rosier Heirloom. Both of its hands nearing 12….It was time.
He wandlessly summoned his wand before giving it a flick. A black coat, wrapped itself around him. With another flick there was no dust to be seen on his clothes. He checked for something that was safely placed inside his coat, and walked towards the fireplace that was attached to the room, Uncaring about the mess he made.
“Ashwarren Alley number 7595,”
Green flames engulfed his vision, And the warmth that he felt in his broken manor instantly disappeared, The next thing he knew he was staring at a empty room which reeked decay.
Cracks on the stone walls, cracks on the floor, Darkness held at bay by a single torch. A rotten door as the only exit.
Outside the room was just the same. The decaying alleyways leading to infinite nightmares, A labyrinth threating to devour any outsider ruthlessly. Faint light at both sides of the alleyway, barely holding on to guide it’s patron where to run or hunt, Innumerable closed door at both sides of alleyway hiding horrors that were waiting to pounce the moment someone turns their back. The pitch-black stone streets and sulphur like smell in air, Made It feel like you were walking at the very edge on the abyss itself.
With wand in his hand, And a Reducto on tip of his tongue he cautiously walked through the alleyway with a destination in mind. He could fell multiple eyes peering through the windows, judging him if he was a prey or predator. He didn’t stop, nor did he showed any signs of hesitation, He knew the rules of this places, The moment you looked like a prey you will be preyed upon.
And unfortunately he had made that mistake multiple times.
As he dwelled……… deeper into the labyrinth, He passed by multiple figures, Some in hooded robes, Some with mask and some with no face, Yet not one of them meet his gaze, They all kept to their own business.
Every now and then a shop would appeared to be open, it’s displayed items could be seen through their grimy windows. Forbidden items found only in darkest corners of the world.
Dead bodies of once great dark wizards, hearts of dark creatures and the remnants of magical creatures long thought to be extinct were common sight in this shops, and this were just a glimpse of the horrors that were sold by creatures in this part of the world. Wizards like Lucien were their prime costumer.
A disgusting rotten smell assaulted him as he neared a grimy looking shop. Severed human heads on display like trophies, Some were fresh, some were rotting, Yet one thing was common among them, All of them had their eyes were gogged….. out along with their tongue, As If a sick joke from the owner of the store. (Last sentence modigy)
Without hesitation, he entered the shop.
The smell grew stronger as a dimly lit room came into his view, A long stained table separated him and the owner, who regarded him with amused curiosity. Dismembered remains of humans in pristine condition adorned the walls of enclosed shop, hanged on rusted hooks like butchered animals, fresh as if severed just a few moments ago.
Vital parts like liver and hearts stored in glass jars displayed on shelves like priced possessions and a small label “youngling” plastered under them.
The atmosphere was oppressive, heavy from the echoes of the screaming souls tied down to the remains displayed in the room.
“Well, if it isn’t Lord Rosier, I was beginning to wonder if you had forgotten about this humble merchant,” the Harvester said, his voice calm and humble, yet the predatory eyes betrayed those words. He adjusted his perfectly tailored French court-suit and stalked towards the table, like he was approaching his prey.
“I want the usual supplies,” Even though Lucien was intimidated by him, he still meet those predatory eyes head on. After all the horror show that surrounded him was far more dreadful than the one who was responsible for it.
“Direct as always, And may I ask the quantity,” With a polite smile the owner leaned on the table.
Lucien’s instincts screamed to the move away from the owner, Yet he stayed his ground, refusing to show his fear.
“A single lot, Magical once” His voice still calm.
“Magical one you say……., The cost might be a little higher than last time. The supplies of magical products had been running thin this days, The aurors has caught up few of my suppliers while they were digging,” Lies came out of his sly mouth as if they were the word of the god, an polite smile that one might think had only your wellbeing in his mind.
“How much do you want,” Lucien could see the slyness in those words, yet he didn’t complain, he knew the rules. In this kinds of trades the supplier set the terms, and he couldn’t afford to destroy his rich young lord image that he had built upon years of lies. After all, it had helped him go places and this place was one of them.
“500 per lot for non magical, And 1000 for magical once,” The owner said politely.
“Magical once,” With a heavy heart, Lucien pulled out a bag of 1000 gallons and thew it on the counter, as if a pile of useless garbage.
“As generous as always,” Pleased, the Harvester happily slide the pouch under the table, his smile unwavering. He than pulled out a roll covered with black clothes with preservation ruins on them. “Here, one week old, Fresh magical one,”
Lucien opened the black cloth. Inside there were a dozen thick human skins, a sight that would make any normal person cringe away from them. Yet holding such abomination in his hands, the only reaction it could get from him was a nod of satisfaction.
“Quick and easy, Just the way I like it,” The owner finally leaned back from the counter. “Anyways now that our buisness is concluded, I have a question to ask, do you by any any chance know a british wizard name Voldemort?”
“No, Why?” Lucien said uncaringly, As he rolled back the skin-paper.
“Weird, I assumed you people were all one big family,” Lucien just gave him a leveling stare at the laughing owner, Who stopped after seeing them. “My apologize for the insensitive joke, You know it gets a little boring siting here all day without anyone to talk to. Anyways…….I find it prudent to warn you about a peculiar order that I received,”
“What does it have anything to do with me,” Even though he knew, the man wouldn’t bring that subject if it was unrelated to him. Yet he just wanted to get away from this suffocating shop, Now that his work was done. And that snister smile from the Harvester didn’t gave him any reason to stay.
“Ohh it is, Especially for your people. For the past few years he has been making quite a steer here in Ashwarren. Yesterday he gave me a visit, And just ordered 500 Ready-grade muggle bodies at a premium price. You know what that means right?, someone is about to have an Inferius issue on their hands, And from the looks of it, his focus is on Bratain”
Lucien’s eyes widen slightly.
“Those bodies could be used for anything,”
500 inferi was a horror show that no one wanted, Not even Dark lords. The last time someone tried to make an inferi army of 100, It slaughtered 5 muggle towns along with their creator before they were subdude.
“,”
“That’s the thing, There has been talks about someone looking for Infernal salt and ashes of Hemlock in large quantity. Considering I was asked to supply every single body fresh, Under 48 hours,” there was a some sinister in vampire’sname smile, Lucien didn’t want to ask nor think how he would be obtaining that many bodies. Not even the morgue had Ready-grade bodies in such amount.
“This is madness,” A wisper left his mouth and the owner’s sinister smile widen into a grin revealing 2 long fangs.
“That’s the thing little boy,” The vampire said manicingly, “Madness is the thing that drives some men, And in madness there are no limits,”
He began to laugh uncontrollably, Reminding Lucien why he avoided this place, Despite their humble appearance, madness was hidden in every inch of this place.
Lucien just gave a stedy gaze, trying to concle the horror building up inside him. He picked up his the skin rolls and walked out of the shop with hurried steps. The rotten air inside hasd finally began to get to him after years of visits. Getting fresh skins of a dead body was something and killing someone for ingredients was something else entirety. It was sickning, And even though Lucien was someone had seen and lived horrors throughout his life, Even he had his limits.
He strode through the alleyways in hurry, He just wanted to get out of this place as soon as possible. If it wasn’t for the thing he needed, He would have gone to Knockturn alley for the skin paper.
Now as he walked he didn’t see decaying alleyways, Nor did he fell any nightmares prowling, All he saw was the destination, and the road in front. Maybe he should have.
It didn’t take long for him to reach there.
The bell ring as he entered the shop.
“Who is it,” A voice called out from the backroom, “…I swear if its you Gideon again I…Oh…,”
A goblin half his size came charging from the backroom, With a huge axe in his hand. His snarl turned into a hideous smile, As he saw Lucien.
“Lucien. And here I thought I wouldn’t be seeing you for quite a while,” Lucien could only see the tip of the axe behind the counter as the gobline walked towards him. His entire body was finally revealed as he stepped on the stool.
“Good afternoon Gorakh,” Lucien said, far relaxed than when he talked with the Harvester.
“My afternoon will get a lot better if you brought the thing, that I asked for,” The goblin grumbled as he placed his axe down on the floor.
“A vow was made, I intend to keep it,” Lucien said as he looked straight at the goblin, Pressing down the anxity, That the goblin had given the item away.
“It had no time period, How was I suppose to trust that,”
“First show me the book,” Lucien said impatiently.
The goblin grumbled as he pulled out a book from under the table.
“Here 100 percent genuine,” It was an old tattered book, plane title less cover, A lock to it and a small triangle symbol at the left bottom.
“Now where is my dagger,”
Lucien pulled out a silver dagger covered in ancient ruins and tossed it on the table as if it was cheap dirt.
“Careful boy, You don’t even known how precious it is,” The goblin scowled as he picked up the dagger as if it was the most precious thing in the world.
“And you don’t known the value of this,”In return Lucien picked up the book and placed it inside his robes without even examining it. He knew the authenticity of the book the moment he touched it.
“Of course of course, One man’s trash other man’s treasure,” The goblin was too busy examining the dagger to care now.
The door bell behind rang again and there entered an Asian man in his 30s. Similar dressing as Lucien, A black overcoat, And a perfectly combed hairs, with a tuff reaching his left eyebrow. His cold eyes surveyed the shop before landing on Lucien.
“And here I thought I would never be seeing you again,” The Asian man said in perfect English accent. His cold grey eyes boring into Lucien.
“You know this lad?,” The Goblin said, His eyes narrowed.
“You can say, we are aqauntenceof sort. Nothing much,” The Asian man turned towards Lucien “It would be wise to distance yourself with this swiddler,”
Before Lucien could respond, The goblin bit him to it.
“Hay now, No need to be …..and its a mitually beneficial relationship, The boy have quite an interesting collection though” He said with smug face.
“Does he now,” Recognition flashed in those grey eyes, As they fell on the dagger. “I didn’t know you were giving such perfect artificats away, If I had known I would have asked for few of them,”
“Your payment was enough for your services,”
“Ohh?,”
“Well, Now that our transaction is completed, And so does the desolution of our Vows,” The shopkeeper gave a nasty smiles, A sinister glint in his eyes.
A realization struck him, He glanced hastily glance at the Asian dark wizard in caution.
“You have no danger from me,” The asian man said, Offended to even such low life accustion flying towards him. Even though Lucien knew it was rude, It was good to be a little parnoid, Even if it meant fjk someone’s feeling.
“Now if you don’t mind,” Lucien didn’t reply, he hastily left the shop, Taking a detour towards the floo system. It had become dangerous to stay there.
He hastily traced back towards the floo. For some reason the decaying alleyways seems a little lively, Occupied by unseen hutners wanting to come out. Even though Lucien couldn't see a single soul, He could feel their presence clearly. Someone was out for the hunt, And their prey was him.
He cursed himself for not taking the risk for learning apparation, And made a mental note to teach himself that after he leave this damn place.
Lucien’s steps were running now, from an unknown pursure, From an unknown danger, That Lucien was convinced was after him. Sweat began to drep down, Heart beating like a steam engine, And eyes darting like a pendulum left and right. As paroniod as it may sounded, those looks that the nasty goblin gave him convinced him he was ……..
It didn’t take long to reach the Floosystem, And to his dread, his paronia was right. There were read 3 hags were waiting for him near the floo system, their eyes lit up in hunger as their eyes laid on him, Their lips stretched into predatory smile.
‘SHIT…SHIT…SHIT’
Lucien stopped 20 feets away from them.
“What a little boy like you doing in the place like this,” One of them laughed hestiracly.
“Probably lost,” The middle one said.
“Are you lost little boy. Do you want some help,”
“If you know what’s wise, Fuck off,” Lucien spoke in the most threating voice he could conjured.
“Oh my, Little boy have foul mouth,”
“My oh my, How the times have changed. I miss the times when men acted like a gentlemen”
Lucien tried to calm himself down, Yet his defient heart refused to do so. He pulled out his wand, Showing it off in a threatening manner.
“I thought I would have a peaceful trip in this shitshow, alas it was wishfull thinking,” Suprising his voice out calm despite the inner turmoil, He took one step towards them, Showing fearlessness. “Tell me how would you like to die, Burning alive, Instant or my favorite beheading. Last time I killed your kind, Her severed head kept scream for minutes before I had to crush it to stop her,”
The thing about threats, Make them as outrageous as you can. Even if you opponent knows they are false, They would still feel fear towards you, And it seems the tacts worked like a charm.
Now that the opponent was a little overwhelmed and confused and was probably going to reply to that threat by saying something like they doesn’t scare them that was the time to strike. As much of a cowardly attack it seem, it seems have work most of the time.
“Your threat doe…” The middle hag didn’t have time to finish that sentence, As a 2 inch gash cut open her throat with a single flick from Lucien. He didn’t waste a single second spate “Serpensanguis” followed by a shield.
The other 2 hags screamed, and a destructive force left their mouth. The first one hit the shield miliseconds after they were erected. Bounced off leaving behind crack, A melisecond later, Second wave, crashed against the shield disintegrating it instantly.
The world around Lucien blurred, The next thing he knew, world around him was ringing, And he was sitting againt the wall, A familiar rusty iron taste in his mouth.
His wand remaind tightly clutched in his hand, And he didn’t waste time and casted a “Maero Custodia”. A White-Blue barrier formed around him. Deflicting another set of screams back towards the hags.
They dodged the deflected attack and continued their attack.
Lucien shaickly stood up, with wall as support. The world around him still refused to stop the ringing. Everything around him was chaos, The deflected spell went randomly else where, Destory anything in it’s wake. Stones and debries flew everywher, Fowrming a small dust cloud around.
In the middle of chaos the hags didn’t notice the blood of writhing hags forming a bloody snake. With a flick, The snake attacked one of them lethaly on the snake.
The other hag pulled out a bottle filled with dark liquid and threw it towards him, Luckily a simple banished sent it back. It exploded near her hear, and all that remained there was a headless boys.
The world around him regained silence, with only the final cries of a dying hag struggling with the snake chocking her life out.
The 7 feet serpant had it’s body around her neck, Its grip strong enough to resist the futile efforts of hags trying to untangle it.
Lucien walked towards her calmly, with a satisfaction on his face. He meet the hatefull glare of the hags.
“I warned you, yet you refuse to listen to me”
The hatefull eyes of hag, suddenly turned into smugness as Lucien hear a glass shattering on the floor,…His eyes widen in horror as he realise what has happened.
“Shi….”
He closed his eyes trying to shielf himself form what came next with his left hand….
The next time he opened his eyes, He was facing the dark sky…..His entire left side felt cold. His empty lungs refusing to take in air, And a constant ringing in his ear, making it impossible to hear around him.
He raised his left hand, Everything there was red, Large glass shards sticking out of it.
He forced himself to took a deap breath, A burning sensation flared in his lungs like he was breathing fire.
“Akh,” With another breath the ringing inside his head subdued, And A pained moan escaped him. He tried to get himself up….yet his left side was on fire.
With another pained hissed he picked up his wand. His left leg refused to move normally, he had to drag it as he walked. With the escape route in his view, His heart gave a sigh of relief, yet the echos of foot stop instantly froze it.
“And here we though the 3 sisters would kill him before we get our payment,” A large crowd of people in fancy clothes walk towards Lucien from both the direction, Blocking the door, as well as the retreat exit.
‘Vampires,”
Confused for the increase of his popularity, He cursed his luck as well as his foolishness. Maybe the facade of the old Rosier wealth has finally caught up to him, Maybe it was foolish of him to flaunt his fake wealth around.
His heart and mind instantly shot that down, He was where he is today because what he had done, What he had lied through, What he had endure. And even though he still had long way to go, He still regret nothing.
He straighten his back, despite the protest from his left half…Blood running down his face, Down his left sholder, Left hip till it reach the ground making a minute steam of blood.
His heart beat rapidly, In fear, yet his face showed no emotion.
“Whatever was offered to you, I will double it,” His voice horsed, yet cold as ice.
“Double you say,” The man who seems to be their leader walked towards him with a sly smile, “Say what is the double of the Rosier fortune,”
Ohh how wrong they were, The double of Rosier fortune was nothing but chump change for them. He gave a bitter smile. Before he summoned his wand, Thankly it answered.
“Boys we need him alive, You play with him as much as you like, The fff, asked for us to bring him in a good mental state,”
“Say, What does kfj wants from me,”
“Don’t know don’t care,”
He gripped his wand ready for the fight of his life. He knew it was a fleating effort. He couldn’t defend against a small group of vampire in his perfect, Let alone a who clan of vampires, With such state…..
The moment he realised there was no getting out of this, With fear of came a defiant anger. Anger at the world, Anger that he couldn’t kill the enemies of his house, Anger that the great Rosier house died just like that.
They came closing in from all sides, Leaving no room to escaped and Lucien held his wand for a kill, It slowly began to flow in his hand like water. With A monotonicity at the tip of his tongue, That he was willing to unleash,
He was about to chant when his wand went flying, And a 7 foot tall, Yellow flamed snake suddenly appeared out of thin air and encircle him, driving the vampires back awar. Burnt marks suddenly appread on some of their faces, Yet Lucien didn’t felt a thing.
Silence resigned, apart from some painfull cries of vampires.
“Why don’t you live the boy alone,” It was finally broken by a cold voice, That would make anyone’s hair stand and behind the group came a casually walking Asian wizard, unarmed yet the Vampires giving him way as he walked towards the leader. Their smile soured.
“This doesn’t concerns you Kael,” The leader said snarling at him in anger.
“Of course it concerns me, When you attack my ward,”
“Ward you say, And why haven’t I heard about this ward of yours?”
“Do I need to explain myself to you,” He said, A dangerous glint in his eyes,.
“….” The other vampires who were in a playfull mood came forward with a guarded stance, Playing with a injured young wizard was one thing, And going against Kael was something else. Lucien has seen what the Asian wizard could do.
Kael just stood there surveying the entire crowd.
“Tell me Felix, Do you feel lucky today.” With that threat a wand slowly slipped out in his hand, Gauranting death to anyone who came in front of it.
“……” The leader didn’t back down, And his followers looked at him for his next order, Some even redying to attack.
“Well than shell we start,” The snake uncoild from Lucien, hissing at the vampires. Ready to attack on command.
Felix heisted, his eyes darting between Lucien and than at the snake….
“The fjkf will be hearing about it,”
Kael just gave a leveled look to the vampires.
With one gesture all the vampires retreated. Some even relived, Not having to face the Asian man. As for Felix, He gave the Asian man one last sneer before retreating.
“Thank you,” Lucien said tiredly Biting down searing pain that he felt.
“You own me for this,” The cold black eyes lingering on the injuries, “And don’t comeback here, Not until you could beat a hitwizard, The dagger that you just handed to that swidler, was something you shouldn’t have brought here,”
The Asian wizard disappered into alleyways, Maybe it was just him but he he see a faint outline of a dagger in his over coat.
He finally flooed back to his house.
………………………………
In my 3rd draft, I will be improving on the fight scene and the Goblin scene.
 

LoneQuack

Active member
Joined
Jun 16, 2024
Messages
120
Points
43
I would recommend to first be done with the chapter, write it the way you want it to the best of your ability without any potential changes, and then posting it. There really isn't any reason to ask for feedback if you already know what you are lacking, and you might seem like a spam in which case you'll mostly (if not altogether) be ignored.
 

Darkcrow.

Tarnished
Joined
Feb 1, 2019
Messages
69
Points
58
I would recommend to first be done with the chapter, write it the way you want it to the best of your ability without any potential changes, and then posting it. There really isn't any reason to ask for feedback if you already know what you are lacking, and you might seem like a spam in which case you'll mostly (if not altogether) be ignored.
ok tks. I was just trying to see if my writing has any faults (and I am sure there are many). Guess I will have to post it afterwards.
 

Tempokai

The Overworked One
Joined
Nov 16, 2021
Messages
1,396
Points
153
I read it all. Truth to be told, it's meh. Technical writing is good, but the overuse of dots bothers me. Hard.
You don't use more than three when making ellipsis, and there always better dividers like *** or --- or even
1728561457037.png
this thing.
Second, pacing is bad. There's a lot of "worldbuiding" (aka the ordinary HP fan probably knows of) that doesn't give the world realism, but takes from it by slowing down the pacing. It's basically infodumping.

For example:
Dovrick's self-loathing rant doesn't give good information of what reader can infer from the clues (aka, adds nothing to the immediate action). Rosier family's glory days, while it’s helpful to know that the Rosiers were once powerful, this isn’t critical right now. Ashwarren Alley and its scenery is an atmospheric dump, which, while evocative, stops the story dead in its tracks.
Random information about Inferi and their horrors is a lore that's tangentially related but doesn’t impact the immediate action during the shopkeeper. These bits of text throw in background and world-building elements that, while possibly interesting, don’t impact the immediate tension or Lucien’s main goal of getting his ingredients and not dying in the process. Infodumps like these can bog down the pacing, which is why they could be trimmed, relocated, or rephrased so they enhance rather than hinder the flow of the story.

Also, while the sensory worldbuilding is good, it still slows the pacing. Have you ever asked yourself, "is this building tension or atmosphere?" If a description isn’t doing either, it might not be needed. Readers don’t necessarily need to know how every single jar of black-market potion looks or smells; they need to know why it matters to Lucien’s quest. Less is more. A few sharp, well-chosen images can do more than pages of purple prose.

Dialogue isn't natural. It feels... forced. I don't know what to write. Have you ever seen a proper dialogue between random people? I'll show examples and how even the basic GPT made it more readable:

Original (Unnatural):
“Tell me how would you like to die, Burning alive, Instant or my favorite beheading. Last time I killed your kind, Her severed head kept scream for minutes before I had to crush it to stop her.”
Revised (Natural):
“I’m not in the mood for games. Last time one of you tried me, her head kept screaming long after I took it off. So pick your death carefully, or I’ll pick it for you.”
Original (Unnatural):
“I have a question to ask, do you by any any chance know a British wizard name Voldemort?”
Revised (Natural):
“Ever heard of a wizard called Voldemort? He’s got that same nasty glint in his eye as you do.”
Original (Unnatural):
“Whatever was offered to you, I will double it.”
Revised (Natural):
“Name your price, whatever it is, I’ll double it. Just get out of my way.”
Original (Unnatural):
“Careful boy, You don’t even known how precious it is.”
Revised (Natural):
“Watch it, boy! That’s worth more than your life, you know.”

See how it's already better? Maybe talk to some people, or at least read dialogue heavy good books. This simply doesn't work.

Next, tone and voice. There's no consistency. It's either horror and action, but not both. It's like playing Resident Evil 1 and suddenly it's combat from RE6, and then back again to RE1. Maintain that gritty tone and don't go to the melodrama.

Fight scenes are written good, but written too clinically, detached from the chaos itself. I don't feel like it's life or death situation under stress, more like "MC does A, enemy counters by B. MC is shocked, enemy sneers", instead of instead of "the world blurs as Lucien ducks, barely dodging a blast that singes his hair, heart hammering as he stumbles, his wand a lifeline in the frenzy of snarls and flashes of deadly light." Or something like that.
Fight scenes should pulse with the urgency of survival—full of jagged breaths, split-second reactions, and disorienting chaos, where each move feels like a desperate gamble rather than a choreographed sequence. The reader should feel Lucien’s raw fear, the sweat in his eyes, the adrenaline searing through his veins as he fights for his life, not just his honor.

Last one, MC. Oh, boy, he's cringe. Edgelord levels of cringe. He didn't make me to like him, even as villain MC. He feels like one dimensional Gen Z brat with brooding and anger issues instead of a fallen noble who wants to restore his family. Here’s the thing about a villain MC, or even an antihero: they need at least one redeeming quality to make readers care. I don't see it here. He’s entitled, blandly evil, and utterly self-absorbed. He’s trying to restore his family’s name, but so what? There’s nothing in this draft that makes that goal remotely sympathetic. You end up feeling more for the poor house elf, who’s trapped in the service of this pompous, soulless wannabe dark lord.

It's even trickier because you use HP canon, not doing much to build on the world in a compelling way. There’s a difference between using the world as a backdrop and using it as a crutch. And right now, this feels a bit more like the latter. Add a sliver bit of humanity to him. Make him relatable. Even villains are human. Maybe he has a complex backstory that hints at some vulnerability? Maybe he has wit or some sort of charm? I don't see it here. Add some stakes for him to invest in. Right now, Lucien’s motivations feel so insular and self-centered that there’s no reason for the reader to care. Maybe he has someone he actually cares about to restore his family? An immediate goal? Anything that could draw out some real emotion.

Also, the cursing. While it can add to the character, it feels like generic slop rather than proper curses. He's a fallen noble, innit? Why he doesn't act like one? His cursing at least must reflect that! Like, I don't know, instead of, “Fuck off, or I’ll burn you alive,” he could say, “Push me one more inch, and I’ll make sure you regret ever crossing me”, or something like that. Be creative! Since Lucien’s supposed to be an heir to a once-great family, maybe he’d have a slightly more refined way of cursing—something with dark elegance, like “damn you to the pits” instead of just “screw you.” Something like that could give him that aristocratic, dangerous edge without the shitty brat vibe I get currently. Focus on dark, relatable frustrations instead of generic ones. Let curses reflect his inner conflict, not immaturity.

I hope my observations will help you.
 

Darkcrow.

Tarnished
Joined
Feb 1, 2019
Messages
69
Points
58
I read it all. Truth to be told, it's meh. Technical writing is good, but the overuse of dots bothers me. Hard.
You don't use more than three when making ellipsis, and there always better dividers like *** or --- or even View attachment 31882 this thing.
Second, pacing is bad. There's a lot of "worldbuiding" (aka the ordinary HP fan probably knows of) that doesn't give the world realism, but takes from it by slowing down the pacing. It's basically infodumping.

For example:
Dovrick's self-loathing rant doesn't give good information of what reader can infer from the clues (aka, adds nothing to the immediate action). Rosier family's glory days, while it’s helpful to know that the Rosiers were once powerful, this isn’t critical right now. Ashwarren Alley and its scenery is an atmospheric dump, which, while evocative, stops the story dead in its tracks.
Random information about Inferi and their horrors is a lore that's tangentially related but doesn’t impact the immediate action during the shopkeeper. These bits of text throw in background and world-building elements that, while possibly interesting, don’t impact the immediate tension or Lucien’s main goal of getting his ingredients and not dying in the process. Infodumps like these can bog down the pacing, which is why they could be trimmed, relocated, or rephrased so they enhance rather than hinder the flow of the story.

Also, while the sensory worldbuilding is good, it still slows the pacing. Have you ever asked yourself, "is this building tension or atmosphere?" If a description isn’t doing either, it might not be needed. Readers don’t necessarily need to know how every single jar of black-market potion looks or smells; they need to know why it matters to Lucien’s quest. Less is more. A few sharp, well-chosen images can do more than pages of purple prose.

Dialogue isn't natural. It feels... forced. I don't know what to write. Have you ever seen a proper dialogue between random people? I'll show examples and how even the basic GPT made it more readable:

Original (Unnatural):

Revised (Natural):

Original (Unnatural):

Revised (Natural):

Original (Unnatural):

Revised (Natural):

Original (Unnatural):

Revised (Natural):



See how it's already better? Maybe talk to some people, or at least read dialogue heavy good books. This simply doesn't work.

Next, tone and voice. There's no consistency. It's either horror and action, but not both. It's like playing Resident Evil 1 and suddenly it's combat from RE6, and then back again to RE1. Maintain that gritty tone and don't go to the melodrama.

Fight scenes are written good, but written too clinically, detached from the chaos itself. I don't feel like it's life or death situation under stress, more like "MC does A, enemy counters by B. MC is shocked, enemy sneers", instead of instead of "the world blurs as Lucien ducks, barely dodging a blast that singes his hair, heart hammering as he stumbles, his wand a lifeline in the frenzy of snarls and flashes of deadly light." Or something like that.
Fight scenes should pulse with the urgency of survival—full of jagged breaths, split-second reactions, and disorienting chaos, where each move feels like a desperate gamble rather than a choreographed sequence. The reader should feel Lucien’s raw fear, the sweat in his eyes, the adrenaline searing through his veins as he fights for his life, not just his honor.

Last one, MC. Oh, boy, he's cringe. Edgelord levels of cringe. He didn't make me to like him, even as villain MC. He feels like one dimensional Gen Z brat with brooding and anger issues instead of a fallen noble who wants to restore his family. Here’s the thing about a villain MC, or even an antihero: they need at least one redeeming quality to make readers care. I don't see it here. He’s entitled, blandly evil, and utterly self-absorbed. He’s trying to restore his family’s name, but so what? There’s nothing in this draft that makes that goal remotely sympathetic. You end up feeling more for the poor house elf, who’s trapped in the service of this pompous, soulless wannabe dark lord.

It's even trickier because you use HP canon, not doing much to build on the world in a compelling way. There’s a difference between using the world as a backdrop and using it as a crutch. And right now, this feels a bit more like the latter. Add a sliver bit of humanity to him. Make him relatable. Even villains are human. Maybe he has a complex backstory that hints at some vulnerability? Maybe he has wit or some sort of charm? I don't see it here. Add some stakes for him to invest in. Right now, Lucien’s motivations feel so insular and self-centered that there’s no reason for the reader to care. Maybe he has someone he actually cares about to restore his family? An immediate goal? Anything that could draw out some real emotion.

Also, the cursing. While it can add to the character, it feels like generic slop rather than proper curses. He's a fallen noble, innit? Why he doesn't act like one? His cursing at least must reflect that! Like, I don't know, instead of, “Fuck off, or I’ll burn you alive,” he could say, “Push me one more inch, and I’ll make sure you regret ever crossing me”, or something like that. Be creative! Since Lucien’s supposed to be an heir to a once-great family, maybe he’d have a slightly more refined way of cursing—something with dark elegance, like “damn you to the pits” instead of just “screw you.” Something like that could give him that aristocratic, dangerous edge without the shitty brat vibe I get currently. Focus on dark, relatable frustrations instead of generic ones. Let curses reflect his inner conflict, not immaturity.

I hope my observations will help you.
Thank you, Your input helped me a lot with quit a few of my short comings. I didn’t mean to write an MC who comes out as a cringe edgelord, I thought my writing was far different than those edgy wannabes MC, But now that you have pointed it out, well back to editing I guess.
Anyways really appreciate your input.
 
Last edited:
Top