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Lloyd
Funny Guy :)
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Honestly it doesn't seem like the type of novel that does well on here. As for the content, it seems to fall into the 'telling instead of showing' exposition trap early on. They chapters are also way too short. Like these are some of the shortest chapters I've ever seen. Even the sentences themselves are minimalistic and boring. I also think the messaging is way too on the nose. It's better to focus on writing a good story that incidentally happens to be based, so that way it appeals to a boarder range of people and helps get your message across in a more natural way.
TLDL
Keep practicing on your style
TLDL
Keep practicing on your style
Ilikewaterkusa
You have to take out their families...
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1. your chapters are really short. I’d say a chapter of yours should be like 2k ~
2. Be more descriptive and poetic with the scenes
3. Show rather than tell, you do a lot telling. And telling gets a lot descriptiveness out of it, showing gets a lot of it in.
4. Your grammar and story flow is weird. So get an editor app, and perhaps some editors.
5. Your dialogue sounds weird and robotic.
6. I’m pretty sure you don’t have a main character. If you do just make sure to introduce them at the beginning with their personality and stuff. Also tell it mainly from their perspective
2. Be more descriptive and poetic with the scenes
3. Show rather than tell, you do a lot telling. And telling gets a lot descriptiveness out of it, showing gets a lot of it in.
4. Your grammar and story flow is weird. So get an editor app, and perhaps some editors.
5. Your dialogue sounds weird and robotic.
6. I’m pretty sure you don’t have a main character. If you do just make sure to introduce them at the beginning with their personality and stuff. Also tell it mainly from their perspective
HappyVainGlory
Well-known member
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- Jan 1, 2019
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Comments:
First off, your writing has an abstract and sweeping feel to it. I get the sense that you're trying for a kind of omniscient pov, but you aren't skilled enough in description yet, I think. Right now it's coming across a bit too much like dry facts than a neat story. Kind of like a newsreport. If that's what you're going for, all the power to you.
Second of all, it's been mentioned but chapters are really short. Not necessarily a bad thing if you're going for episodic shorts, but if you're planning a sprawling novel, it can get annoying for readers. And from what I can see, the chapters aren't really self-contained... or really have anything important happening. That can also get annoying for the reader since it can come across as a waste of time. Or they might just wait and stockpile chapters to read all at once.
Third of all, you mix tenses a lot and jump back between present and past tense. That... can work, but you gotta know what you're doing, and you gotta do it deliberately. And to me, it reads like you don't know what you're doing and that you're doing it by happenstance.
Fourth, we have no focal character. Not a bad thing, but a much harder sell for a reader. Since there's no one to relate to, they'll read it with the eye of an observer peeking in on the world itself. And that world would have to be interesting. This... kind of is? But it's still pretty basic. You could replace 'the greys' for literally anything else and nothing would change.
Lastly... it doesn't really seem like a story. Things happen and we watch. It's all just happenstance. There aren't any real motives, any real threats, goals, etc. Nothing interesting. At least, nothing that I found really interesting. It just overall reads kinda like a dry news article about some workers going about their jobs.
Suggestions:
Flesh the characters out more. Show their personality through how they act and react in addition to physical details.
Stick to a tense. Choose either present or past. If you're just starting out, don't try to do too much. You'll just confuse yourself. Not that anyone's stopping you, but you might build bad habits that will be hard to fix later. Or you might make a unique style. The gamble is yours, but the odds aren't really in your favor.
Stick to one character. Choose one of the greys to be the POV character, or at least the character we follow. Show us the world in relation to that character's actions and reactions. Right now, the reader's still just drifting around.
That's about it from me.
T.K._Paradox
Was Divided By Zero: Found Glovebox Jesus
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I will say that your story has an interesting premise and is quite original but, that is about all the good I can say about it. Your story is very flat and doesn't have any depth, the dialogue is inorganic, the characters feel stiff and scripted, the setting feels non-existent, and the world-building is so generalized it is difficult to imagine where this story can be taking place. Try to refine your craft and flesh out your story more, so here is my best of luck.
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Lloyd
Funny Guy :)
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Yeah he says it better than me. I am a writer of the soul not the brain. I just kinda feel things out instead of thinking lol
ElijahRyne
A Hermit that’s NOT that Lazy, currentlycomplainen
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This is at about a 7.6/10, but if you want me to be harsh here.
Pretty atmospheric, but lacking detail. Probably due to the short chapters, which wouldn't be bad if each of them were not missing so much detail. You, from what I have read, structure the chapter like a set explanation in a play. Starting with the setting, then the props and characters, then a short explanation of what is happening in the setting, and then dialogue if there is any. While this is not inherently bad, if you do not add a lot of detail to those steps, then eventually it will become both boring and confusing.
When you read the script of a play or movie the setting explanation at the beginning of every scene gives you an image of the set and adds context to what will happen. Then the dialogue and action that follows it creates the story. Typically the dialogue part is longer, but that is because it takes time to set up and/or change a scene in a play. I personally think you need to expand a bit on both.
There are a couple of other things. I know I am bad at explaining things, so I will use the second chapter as an example. I will give suggestions and leading questions. You don’t have to follow any of them, and the answers I give you are not all of the plausible ones. Purple is the setting blurb, and green is dialogue + action.
The first stop is to the oldest indoor market in the city. The building is 120 years old and a real tourist attraction. People are drawn to it's architecture and history and it is one of the few buildings with character remaining in the city. It is always crowded regardless of the day. (While there is no reason to pull a Victor Hugo explaining every small detail of the building and its history in the city, some more explanation on those topics can set the scene a bit better. What can be found in the market, what does it look like, what about its history makes it attractive, and why is it one of the few buildings with character. You don’t need to expand on these points, but the goal of the purple part is to both give context to the green and to create a vivid image of the setting and characters in it. )
While stopped at the lights, the driver notices a crowd of people gathered on the corner of the historic building. He notices a fat man wearing a top hat, a tuxedo jacket and an eye glass in the middle of the crowd. While driving by he notices the fat man is promoting a product and the people are listening to his every word. He sounds like quite the orator. (Who is the fat man and what is he promoting? The next bit is about the driver thinking of killing him. If you don’t give a motivation it seems a bit empty.)
Our driver heads to the loading dock and backs in to the first available bay. He gets out of the truck and pulls out a long, thin, very sharp knife and plans to confront the fat man. He decides to call the office for any last minute advice. (Here the loading bay needs to be mentioned in the purple part, even if just glancingly. You might also want to describe how you would want an actor to pull off the driver. Does he quickly or slowly exit out the truck? Does he discreetly or blatantly pull out the knife? How does he feel, anxious or calm? Does he hesitate to call the office, or is he daunted by the amount of people and just goes for it?)
"Wait! Don't harm the fat man" the marketing director advises. "If he's a good salesman he could help us move more product. We would then increase production". (How does the driver react? Is he surprised or relived? Is he still holding the knife, or has he hidden it again? Also, the period is supposed to go inside of the parentheses…)
"That's a valid point". (How does the driver sound? Is he whispering? What is his expression like?)
"If he has a card, get it. Or give him one of ours".
And with that, the driver met the fat man and the two of them agreed to be in contact soon. After delivering his order to the produce store inside the building the driver was off to continue his busy day (While you don’t need the process leading up to their meeting, it might be better to give some more detail. You don’t even have to give any dialogue, just their expressions and actions. Right now it feels a bit too vague.)
While stopped at the lights, the driver notices a crowd of people gathered on the corner of the historic building. He notices a fat man wearing a top hat, a tuxedo jacket and an eye glass in the middle of the crowd. While driving by he notices the fat man is promoting a product and the people are listening to his every word. He sounds like quite the orator. (Who is the fat man and what is he promoting? The next bit is about the driver thinking of killing him. If you don’t give a motivation it seems a bit empty.)
Our driver heads to the loading dock and backs in to the first available bay. He gets out of the truck and pulls out a long, thin, very sharp knife and plans to confront the fat man. He decides to call the office for any last minute advice. (Here the loading bay needs to be mentioned in the purple part, even if just glancingly. You might also want to describe how you would want an actor to pull off the driver. Does he quickly or slowly exit out the truck? Does he discreetly or blatantly pull out the knife? How does he feel, anxious or calm? Does he hesitate to call the office, or is he daunted by the amount of people and just goes for it?)
"Wait! Don't harm the fat man" the marketing director advises. "If he's a good salesman he could help us move more product. We would then increase production". (How does the driver react? Is he surprised or relived? Is he still holding the knife, or has he hidden it again? Also, the period is supposed to go inside of the parentheses…)
"That's a valid point". (How does the driver sound? Is he whispering? What is his expression like?)
"If he has a card, get it. Or give him one of ours".
And with that, the driver met the fat man and the two of them agreed to be in contact soon. After delivering his order to the produce store inside the building the driver was off to continue his busy day (While you don’t need the process leading up to their meeting, it might be better to give some more detail. You don’t even have to give any dialogue, just their expressions and actions. Right now it feels a bit too vague.)
D
Deleted member 70223
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skillet
a frying pan
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(this is late, sorry!!)
From a purely editing standpoint, you have a lot of repetitions in your paragraph structures/word choices, like using the word "notice" as the main verb three times in three separate sentences within the same paragraph. Unless you're doing this on purpose for the specific feeling repetition evokes as a rhetorical device (parallelism-- though it does not come across if that was the case), you should reread your writing and think of ways to bring more variety to the sentences. Especially with stuff like "notice"/"sees", observations are usually most readable when the act of observing isn't being told every single time. Have the observed being/thing be active-- instead of "He saw a man," it can be "A man was walking down the street"-- the "seeing" part of it is implied.
If you would also like to approve your grammar in the story,
1. "This is how dialogue should be spoken." "Unfortunately, not like this". (Please put the period inside the quotation marks!)
2. You tend to go back and forth between present and past tense in the narration; ideally, the entire narration should stick to one unless you're going into some kind of flashback (usually), though I suppose online work as it is I guess it wouldn't be that big of a problem.
Lastly, my opinion about your story-- I only skimmed, so it won't be everything, but I honestly think the shortness of your chapters and the telling-like writing style could actually work to give off a certain atmosphere, if you edit/work on it some more. However, what I think is more problematic is that I not only lack any reason to root for your seeming main character (the driver and the 'fat man'?), but I am also being told all these things that are happening... without knowing the purpose for them. There's this guy going through life, he gets into an accident, they solve it. I like your setting/premise, but there is no clear conflict or struggle or anything that really gives me the feeling of 'this is what they're doing and I'm going to read about it' from the first few chapters. You don't necessarily need to have an overarching conflict, but you do need some kind of motivating force directing your story, and I think that's what was most lacking when I was reading.
Hope this helps! :D
From a purely editing standpoint, you have a lot of repetitions in your paragraph structures/word choices, like using the word "notice" as the main verb three times in three separate sentences within the same paragraph. Unless you're doing this on purpose for the specific feeling repetition evokes as a rhetorical device (parallelism-- though it does not come across if that was the case), you should reread your writing and think of ways to bring more variety to the sentences. Especially with stuff like "notice"/"sees", observations are usually most readable when the act of observing isn't being told every single time. Have the observed being/thing be active-- instead of "He saw a man," it can be "A man was walking down the street"-- the "seeing" part of it is implied.
For example: (this is from chapter 2)
While stopped at the lights, the driver notices a crowd of people gathered on the corner of the historic building. He notices a fat man wearing a top hat, a tuxedo jacket and an eye glass in the middle of the crowd. While driving by he notices the fat man is promoting a product and the people are listening to his every word. He sounds like quite the orator.
-->(The same sentence structure starting with 'While' is used twice here as well, marked by underline)
Without doing the 'make the observed being do something' in case you want to strictly preserve the viewpoint of the driver, I would change this to:
While stopped at the light, the driver notices a crowd of people gathered on the corner of the historic building. His eyes are drawn to a fat man in their midst, wearing a top hat, a tuxedo jacket, and an eye glass. As he drives by, he figures out that the fat man is promoting a product. The people are listening to his every word. He sounds like quite the orator.
...or something like that haha it's 1 am here so not my best work--
While stopped at the lights, the driver notices a crowd of people gathered on the corner of the historic building. He notices a fat man wearing a top hat, a tuxedo jacket and an eye glass in the middle of the crowd. While driving by he notices the fat man is promoting a product and the people are listening to his every word. He sounds like quite the orator.
-->(The same sentence structure starting with 'While' is used twice here as well, marked by underline)
Without doing the 'make the observed being do something' in case you want to strictly preserve the viewpoint of the driver, I would change this to:
While stopped at the light, the driver notices a crowd of people gathered on the corner of the historic building. His eyes are drawn to a fat man in their midst, wearing a top hat, a tuxedo jacket, and an eye glass. As he drives by, he figures out that the fat man is promoting a product. The people are listening to his every word. He sounds like quite the orator.
...or something like that haha it's 1 am here so not my best work--
If you would also like to approve your grammar in the story,
1. "This is how dialogue should be spoken." "Unfortunately, not like this". (Please put the period inside the quotation marks!)
2. You tend to go back and forth between present and past tense in the narration; ideally, the entire narration should stick to one unless you're going into some kind of flashback (usually), though I suppose online work as it is I guess it wouldn't be that big of a problem.
Lastly, my opinion about your story-- I only skimmed, so it won't be everything, but I honestly think the shortness of your chapters and the telling-like writing style could actually work to give off a certain atmosphere, if you edit/work on it some more. However, what I think is more problematic is that I not only lack any reason to root for your seeming main character (the driver and the 'fat man'?), but I am also being told all these things that are happening... without knowing the purpose for them. There's this guy going through life, he gets into an accident, they solve it. I like your setting/premise, but there is no clear conflict or struggle or anything that really gives me the feeling of 'this is what they're doing and I'm going to read about it' from the first few chapters. You don't necessarily need to have an overarching conflict, but you do need some kind of motivating force directing your story, and I think that's what was most lacking when I was reading.
Hope this helps! :D
D
Deleted member 70223
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skillet
a frying pan
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It really depends on the mood/tone of story you're going for. The most common tense used in narrations is past tense though-- most books (novels) are written in past tense, which means using present tense can give your story another edge, if your story so calls for it. That's really up to you though. Personally, I think using present tense for your narrative style really sells better than it would sound in past tense, but that's just me. :D
