Please critique my story!

[Funnyface]

Hey everyone! I've been learning as I go with my first story 'Psychic Tyrant.' It's been really fun working on it, but I feel like it has a lot of room for improvement. I've made a lot of changes to the first few chapters to try to make them more interesting for new readers, but I find it kind of hard to evaluate my own work. I also changed the title of the story to 'Psychic Tyrant' from the less exciting 'Master of the Pit' which has seemed to improve my stats somewhat, but I feel like something is still missing. Some general feedback would be greatly appreciated!

Psychic Tyrant

The Pit, a mystical city overcast by pink and purple smog clouds, is the site of a chaotic free-for-all where criminals are drawn into an all-consuming battle for power and psychic materials. The people of the Pit are obsessed with the drug Nuke which is said to grant mysterious psychic...

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It's kind of an anti-hero story, or maybe you could even classify it as a villain protagonist story, which might not be everyone's preference but it is what it is. The earlier chapters are more in the head of the main character as I introduce the setting while the later ones are more dialogue-focused as I introduce more characters. Is it too slow early on? How is the setup in general? Does it flow well? Please, help me!

 

[Deleted member 53101]

I found some problems with your story, and please take my advice with a grain of salt, pepper, and chili powder.

Spoiler: First Problem: To Show not Tell

First of all, I am ..., speechless with how many of the infodumps are there in the first ten chapters.

Now, see ... I'm a casual reader, and personally, I dislike seeing blocks of paragraphs after another. I also sometimes put on info dump in my stories here and there, but I did it moderately. When the stories only filled with descriptive, I can't immerse into it and become inside with the story. It is not entirely impossible, if I put a bit of my mind to it maybe I can.
But for somehow or another I can't relate myself with your MC, and that's a problem. Perhaps because of the world-building which is too vague and complex for me to understand. Post-apocalypse world, RimWorld-vibe, drug & chemicals ..., a lot of things going on your story world and the MC was like, 'yeah here's the Pit, those scum we call them the Ghouls, oh this ..., this is Nuke, it's a good stuff.'

Too many 'tell' that you overshadowed the 'show'.

Spoiler: Second Problem: The World and Characters

Second, seems like there's only he(the MC) and himself in your story. I mean, what makes a story ..., it is the characters, the interaction between them and the environment, dialogue. Well, yes, of course; you wrote it in first person POV and so there's a lot of inner thought and all. But well, there's nothing that drives the story, building the conflicts and all the fancy complications in yours. It is hard for me to relate myself to your story because... too not-humane; your MC.

Now, let me ask. What makes the face-slapping scene sell well in Chinese web novels? Because it's satisfying. What makes all the misunderstanding, teasing, and head pat stuff happening in rom-com novel/manga sell well? Because it's heartwarming. I know your story is not CN cultivation cliche or JLN rom-com, but at least try to make it relatable. I can't relate myself with the MC at all so I don't know what's going on over there.

Forgive me for being blunt, but your work is that kind of thing I dropped right off the bat. It has potential; I like to play RimWorld, and the concept of your psychic power is kinda interesting as per se. But the execution is incredibly poor.

Spoiler: Third Apparent Problem: Main Character

Well, I haven't read your story until the end of your latest update. I forced myself to read chapter 15, but I got extremely bored with this Nuke Hunter one-man show .. oh wait, was it Ghost Knife? See, I don't even remember the name of your MC. That's some problem ..., I think you should first establish the character in the first chapter. Give a name to your character, heck, the first-named character popped out in your story is not the MC but this Celine and Dion.

You can just go write something like 'I'm Fujiwara Takumi, 24 years old, dubbed as Aoyama Race King.' or maybe put other characters who know who your MC is and called his name or something. But at least ..., introduce your characters, especially your Main Character. That's important.

On another side note, you could try to lessen off your paragraph blocks, it is quite disturbing to read. I won't comment on your grammar because I know I suck at it, but yours is good. It is quite decent in fact, and maybe better than mine. Just ..., the way you convey the story has problems listed in the above.

 

[Funnyface]

Thank you, I appreciate the feedback, PrinceWijaya. That was a great explanation. I think your criticisms are exactly what I needed to hear.