[OPEN 2/3] Unreliable Biased Feedback v3 (read the rules)

greyblob

greyblob

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GreenStudio said:
You might remember me. I'm not sure if this is allowed but I made a ton of changes to my story and would like to know your thoughts. Totally get it if your answer is no.

https://www.scribblehub.com/series/2244075/cursed-crowned-crimson/

And my prime number is 71.
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I'll be honest with you, I dont wanna read this again mainly because I'm bored and wanna see something new. But I skimmed through the first chapter.

This feels a lot better in terms of scene structure and flow. It feels dynamic. I like how you used the angel in the first scene. I think it's a great hook. It could be executed better but I like the idea.

for the notes I had,

1. telling and not showing.
Only the sound of laughter, joy and the usual movement that belonged to a town of this size.

In spite of that, Akuma didn’t so much as stutter while mouthing off. His body language suggested that he was conversing with someone slightly above him.
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why would tell me about his body language instead of showing me? this is a novel not an analysis
Same as here
It wasn’t the festivities he was cursing from the bottom of his chest. In this case, the pure concentrated light had been pro
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this is all subjective, but I much prefer to 'see' what's happening instead of having it retold to me.

2. Order of events. building on 2, i can't see whats not there. it's uncomfortable to starting describing something I have no knowledge of its existence. Take a look at this

["Dammit. Dammit! Dammit!"

It wasn’t the festivities he was cursing from the bottom of his chest. In this case, the pure concentrated light had been produced by the thing above his head.

"What the hell do you think you’re doing, asshole?! Don’t you have any social awareness?! Turn that shit off for once!"]A

[Nothing.

Only the sound of laughter, joy and the usual movement that belonged to a town of this size.]B

[In spite of that, Akuma didn’t so much as stutter while mouthing off. His body language suggested that he was conversing with someone slightly above him.

"Here I was trying to take it easy today! Yet for some reason you’re obsessed with these childish games! Pulling me out of class? For that? A half-assed mission like that?! Seriously, when are you gonna grow up?!"]C

[Even as the words left him, they had a strange taste about them.]D

[Grow up.

Was he even capable of such a thing? If anything, in the three years Akuma had known him, he hadn’t aged a single day. His juvenile appearance was punctuated by the tattered prisoner's onesie he wore—the white and blue striped fabric was damaged by what looked like repeated beatings. And a heavy, metal shackle was cuffed around the entity's left wrist. It was the kind that reeked of labor and violent struggles.]E
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ill go through this section by section.

[A] instead of describing WHY the mc did something. Why not show me?

mc is swearing. at what? Something above his head? Why not have him glaring at the spot in the air? now you directed the reader's 'gaze' without having to spell it out.

how is there nothing and laughter of the crowd? nothing doesn't make sense

[C] this is not needed anymore no? maybe replace it with him swiping at the air or pointing at him or something

[D] filler

[E] 'grow up' is an alright introduction to the next segment but i honestlt wasn't sure who is talking here. Or the dialogue before frankly. thats the issue with floating dialogues. I dont know if the 'entity' is mute or not. Or talks telepathically or some shot.

you've built up this scene now. It's the most important scene for this chapter and argubally the novel. I'm looking for the reveal. The hook. Who is sitting on his head?

You have to drop the angel here. There's a lot of ways to do it. the only way not to do it is by writing a paragraph about what he's wearing. that comes after I'm interested.

> Grow up, I spat at him in my head. Can angels even age? was i stuck with a winged teenager to torment me for the result of my life?

you get the point. write it however you'd like but just give me the reveal


3. there's a ton of filler. this needs to be edited and trimmed down.




thats about it. this is all subjective obviously. how id want it to be
 
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harrydouthwaite

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Here is my story submission. I don't think I've submitted anything to this thread yet, or sny of your previous ones.

www.scribblehub.com

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com

My prime number is 1997. (Timothy's birth year)
 
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greyblob

greyblob

"Staff Memeber" pleasr
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harrydouthwaite said:
Here is my story submission. I don't think I've submitted anything to this thread yet.

www.scribblehub.com

Sixes and Sevens

A Trains On The Brain series story. When you're all at sixes and sevens, you feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. That's how twelve-year old Robin feels a lot of the time, but as he enters his preteen years in 2006 his world begins to change in many ways which leads...
www.scribblehub.com www.scribblehub.com

My prime number is 1997.
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awful title name you should be ashamed

edit: nvm this was written before that meme came into existence
 
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