Okay I need youre honest opinion

[Mighty]

Okay I want to know if this paragraph is not hard to read and not annoying to read and how many wrong grammar theirs is thx.

~~~~~

When my consciousness came back, I found myself in the middle of the forest.

“Where am I?”

I don't remember how I got here, but right now, I have to find a way out of this forest. I tried to stand up, but a sudden shock hit my body, causing me to fall to the ground once more.

“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh !!”

In the excruciating pain I felt, I started crying out, when I looked at my body, I saw a big wound on my torso, I don't know how I got it, but it was not that bad, but why does it hurt so much? I also noticed my body had shrunk at the same time. But I ignored it and tore half of my clothes too, tied them to the wound. It somehow started to feel better, but if I don't get to the hospital, my wound may get worst, so I have to get out of this forest.

But the problem is I don't know how to get out of here, and my phone isn't anywhere near me. But then I heard a rustle in a nearby bush.

“Who is there!”

At that time, a blue hair girl appeared behind the bushes she had white hair, torn clothes, and her pair of beautiful brown eyes is looking at me?

“Bro Brother, I finally found your Brother.”

She started running towards me, and she suddenly hugs me while crying.

“Brother doesn't leave me again like that (sniff) and how did you get that wound brother?”

I don't know who is this girl, but it appears to me that he is mistaken me as her brother. So, I touch his shoulders and push her away from me and I directly looked into her eyes.

“Um...... Miss, I think I am not the person you are looking for,”

“What are you saying brother (sniff) you are my brother Koru,"

Koru that is not my name what is this girl saying.

“Miss my name is Kurayami Saito,”

“What are you saying brother (sniff) looked your name tag is in your clothes it's in the place that Mom always put it on,”

My clothes what is this girl talking about a name tag? But when I looked at my clothes, I found the name tag.

What is written on it is:
Name: Koru
Aged: 10
Gender: Male

Koru that is not my name what is happening here okay let's think about this for a second.

First how the hell did I wake up in the middle of the forest second why the hell did my body shrink third who is this girl and lastly how the hell did I get a big wound on my torso?

The lasting I remember before I wake up in this forest was that I got hit by a truck.

“Brother hello,”

Mm!~ wait now this all made sense the only possible answer to all of this is 'Reincarnation' I got reincarnated that is why my body shrunk and why this girl in front of me called me brother but why do I wake up in a middle of a forest and where did I get the wound in my torso?

“Brother let's go home, so we can put some first aid in your wound,”

“Alright,”

Okay, let's follow him I also want to treat my wound before it got worse, so I ended up following her.


Okay I already use grammarly (but not premium because I am broke) and Google translation to do this so give me your opinion.

 

[Deleted member 58005]

Still quite a lot. Quite an improvement though.

Who is there!”

"Who's there?" Or if the character is actually screaming, then an exclamation mark could be added there. "Who's there?!" works too.

“Bro Brother, I finally found your Brother

Is this Big Brother? Or is it the sister stuttering? If its the latter then it could be written as "Bro-brother" to show that the girl is having difficulty in speaking.

"I finally found your brother" should be changed to "I finally found you, brother!"

Brother doesn't leave me again like that (sniff) and how did you get that wound brother?”

Change it to

"Brother, don't leave me like that again *sniff*. And how... did you get that wound?"

"..." Is to remind the readers that the girl is actually crying. Not many people can speak ina straight, calm voice while sobbing.

She started running towards me, and she suddenly hugs me while crying.

Change to

"She started running towards me, and suddenly hugged me, crying."

I don't know who is this girl, but it appears to me that he is mistaken me as her brother. So, I touch his shoulders and push her away from me and I directly looked into her eyes.

"I don't know who this girl is, but it appears to me that "she" (remember that its his "sister", so "she") has mistaken me as her brother. So, I place my hands on her shoulders and pushed her away from me, and I looked directly into her eyes.


Why push her, and then look into her eyes? Shouldn't it be backwards?

These are just some of the mistaked I found from skimming it once. There might be more that I missed, since, well, I'm as blind as a bat

 

[Deleted member 42060]

When my consciousness came back, I found myself in the middle of the forest.​

Good.
​

“Where am I?”​

Good.
​

I don’t remember how I got here, but right now, I have to find a way out of this forest. I tried to stand up, but a sudden shock hit my body, causing me to fall to the ground once more.​

“I didn’t remember how I got here, but right now, I had to find a way out of this forest. I tried to stand up, but a sudden shock hit my body, causing me to fall to the ground once more.” You should be consistent with tenses. Are you going to use past tense or present tense?

If you’re going to use present tense, you can use this: “I don’t remember how I got here, but right now, I have to find a way out of this forest. I try to stand up, but a sudden shock hits my body, causing me to fall to the ground once more.”
​

“Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhh !!”​

Why is there a space between “h” and “!”? Is that intentional?
​

In the excruciating pain I felt, I started crying out, when I looked at my body, I saw a big wound on my torso, I don’t know how I got it, but it was not that bad, but why does it hurt so much? I also noticed my body had shrunk at the same time. But I ignored it and tore half of my clothes too, tied them to the wound. It somehow started to feel better, but if I don’t get to the hospital, my wound may get worst, so I have to get out of this forest.​

Your usage of commas in the first sentences is a bit jarring, but in the last sentences, it’s good. For instance, in this line “In the excruciating pain I felt, I started crying out, when I looked at my body, I saw a big wound on my torso, I don’t know how I got it, but it was not that bad, but why does it hurt so much?”

It should be: “In the excruciating pain I felt, I started crying out, and when I looked at my body, I saw a big wound on my torso. (Period here.) I didn’t know how I got it, but it was not that bad—why did it hurt so much?”

Present tense? “In the excruciating pain I feel, I start crying out, and when I look at my body, I see a big wound on my torso. I don’t know how I got it, but it isn’t that bad—why does it hurt so much?”

Notice the “—” (em dash). I usually use em dashes when I try to move on to another sentence—in a smoother way. Commas don’t do much when it comes to that, they only work when you use conjunctions. Also, yes, be consistent with the tenses.
​

But the problem is I don’t know how to get out of here, and my phone isn’t anywhere near me. But then I heard a rustle in a nearby bush.​

“But the problem was I didn’t know how to get out of here, and my phone wasn’t anywhere near me. But then I heard a rustle in a nearby bush.”

Present tense? “But the problem is I don’t know how to get out of here, and my phone isn’t anywhere near me. But then I hear a rustle in a nearby bush.”
​

“Who is there!”​

Good. “Who’s there?” sounds more natural, though.
​

At that time, a blue hair girl appeared behind the bushes she had white hair, torn clothes, and her pair of beautiful brown eyes is looking at me?​

“At that time, a blue hair girl appeared behind the bushes. She had white hair, torn clothes, and her pair of beautiful brown eyes were looking at me.”

Present tense? “At that time, a blue hair girl appears behind the bushes. She has white hair, torn clothes, and her pair of beautiful brown eyes are looking at me.”
​

“Bro Brother, I finally found your Brother.”​

Bro Brother? If you intended her to stutter, then use it like this “B-Brother, I finally found you.” Or did you mean “Big Brother”?
​

She started running towards me, and she suddenly hugs me while crying.​

“She started running towards me, and she suddenly hugged me while crying.”

Present tense? “She starts running towards me, and she suddenly hugs me while crying.”
​

“Brother doesn’t leave me again like that (sniff) and how did you get that wound brother?”​

“Brother, don’t leave me again like that,” she sniffed. “And how did you get that wound, brother?”

“Brother, don’t leave me again like that,” she sniffs. “And how did you get that wound, brother?”
​

I don’t know who is this girl, but it appears to me that he is mistaken me as her brother. So, I touch his shoulders and push her away from me and I directly looked into her eyes.​

“I didn’t know who this girl was, but it appeared to me that she had mistaken me as her brother. So, I touched her shoulders and pushed her away from me, and I directly looked into her eyes.”

Present tense? “I don’t know who this girl is, but it appears to me that she has mistaken me as her brother. So, I touch her shoulders and push her away from me, and I directly look into her eyes.
​

“Um…… Miss, I think I am not the person you are looking for,”​

“Um… Miss, I think I’m not the person you’re looking for.” (Notice the period here. You can only use a comma if you’re going to put “he said” or “she said.” Like this one: “Um… Miss, I think I’m not the person you’re looking for,” I said. But that can be redundant.)
​

“What are you saying brother (sniff) you are my brother Koru,”​

“What are you saying, brother? You’re my brother—Koru!”
​

Koru that is not my name what is this girl saying.​

“Koru? That’s not my name. What was this girl saying?”

Notice that I mixed present and past tense: “That’s not my name” and “What was she saying?” Mixing these tenses can be quite tricky. To mix these tenses, you can use the present tense if you’re, like, talking to the reader—or if the protagonist is talking to someone but only in his or her head.

For instance, you can replace “What was she saying” with “What are you saying?” (The protagonist talking to someone but only in his head). That’ll suit the sentence that precedes it like “Koru? That’s not my name. What are you saying?”

But if you’re going to narrate the story, you should use past tense. Or you can even go full-blown present tense so that you don’t have to worry about mixing tenses. Sorry if it’s too confusing, even I myself am confused by it. I always have to relearn mixing the tenses.
​

“Miss my name is Kurayami Saito,”​

“Miss, my name is Kurayami Saito.”
​

“What are you saying brother (sniff) looked your name tag is in your clothes it’s in the place that Mom always put it on,”​

“Look, your name tag is on your clothes—Mom would always put it on for you, remember?" (Not sure if I rephrased that right, you can be the judge.)
​

My clothes what is this girl talking about a name tag? But when I looked at my clothes, I found the name tag.​

“My clothes? What was this girl talking about? But when I looked at my clothes, I found the name tag.”
​

What is written on it is:

Name: Koru

Aged: 10

Gender: Male​

What was written on it was:

Name: Koru

Age: 10

Gender: Male
​

Koru that is not my name what is happening here okay let’s think about this for a second.​

“Koru—that’s not my name. What was happening here? Okay... Let us think about this for a second.”
​

First how the hell did I wake up in the middle of the forest second why the hell did my body shrink third who is this girl and lastly how the hell did I get a big wound on my torso?​

“First, how the hell did I wake up in the middle of the forest? Second, why the hell did my body shrink? And third, who was this girl, and lastly, how the hell did I get a big wound on my torso?”
​

The lasting I remember before I wake up in this forest was that I got hit by a truck.​

“The last thing I remembered before I woke up in this forest was that I got hit by a truck.”
​

“Brother hello,”​

“Brother?”
​

Mm!~ wait now this all made sense the only possible answer to all of this is ‘Reincarnation’ I got reincarnated that is why my body shrunk and why this girl in front of me called me brother but why do I wake up in a middle of a forest and where did I get the wound in my torso?​

“Mm! Wait, now this all made sense. The only possible answer to all of this was “reincarnation.” I got reincarnated—that’s why my body shrunk and why this girl in front of me called me her brother. But why did I wake up in a middle of a forest? Where did I get this wound in my torso?
​

“Brother let’s go home, so we can put some first aid in your wound,”​

“Brother, let’s go home, so we can put some first aid in your wound.”
​

“Alright,”​

“Alright.”
​

Okay, let’s follow him I also want to treat my wound before it got worse, so I ended up following her.​

“Okay, let’s follow her. I also wanted to treat my wound before it got worse, so I ended up following her.”

Personally, I’d use the past tense. But it’s not wrong to use the present tense either—in fact, this actually makes it a lot easier for you to narrate the story since you don’t have to bother mixing present and past tense. You can learn more about mixing tenses.

Be consistent with the pronouns. You sometimes mistake “she” for “he.”

Also, again, about mixing tenses, here’s my tip: Imagine the protagonist has traveled back in time as a ghost, and he’s watching himself encounter all the shit that happened in the story. That’s why it makes sense to say “What was I doing?” instead of “What am I doing?” Because the future ghost protagonist is criticizing his old self and his past friends or enemies. You may learn more about punctuation too. Commas, em dashes, semi-colons—all that.​

 

[Mighty]

Thanks for the help and I will try doing present tense in my novel and I hope you will help me again when that time comes thx.

 

[Ai-chan]

When my consciousness came back, I found myself in the middle of the forest.

This paragraph is incomplete. Add sights and sounds if you don't know what else to add.

I don't remember how I got here, but right now, I have to find a way out of this forest. I tried to stand up, but a sudden shock hit my body, causing me to fall to the ground once more.

Use can't here. Or if you want this to be part of the narration instead of monologue, use couldn't to be in line with the rest of your tenses. Don't uses the element of choice in doing something. Can't refers to the physical inability of doing something. Remove the comma between now and I. The rest is fine, but Ai-chan would've used "I pushed myself to stand, but..."

In the excruciating pain I felt, I started crying out, when I looked at my body, I saw a big wound on my torso, I don't know how I got it, but it was not that bad, but why does it hurt so much? I also noticed my body had shrunk at the same time. But I ignored it and tore half of my clothes too, tied them to the wound. It somehow started to feel better, but if I don't get to the hospital, my wound may get worst, so I have to get out of this forest.

As the excruciating pain made me cry out in agony, I looked down at my body, seeing a big wound in my belly/chest. How did I get it, I wondered, but it didn't look that bad. So why would it hurt so much? And did my body shrink? I pushed aside these thoughts and tore off half of my clothes, using it as a bandage for the wound on my belly/chest. Somehow the pain subsided, but unless I could get to a hospital, my wound could get worse. I must get out of this forest.

But the problem is I don't know how to get out of here, and my phone isn't anywhere near me. But then I heard a rustle in a nearby bush.

But where is the way out? Which direction should I go? And where is my phone? As I was looking around, I heard a rustle in a nearby bush.

“Who is there!”

Unless your character is a very straight-laced person, he would likely say, "Who's there!" or "Whuzzere?!"

At that time, a blue hair girl appeared behind the bushes she had white hair, torn clothes, and her pair of beautiful brown eyes is looking at me?

At my question, a blue-haired girl appeared from behind the bushes. Her hair was white, her clothes were torn and her pair of beautiful brown eyes looked at me with a growing twinkle.

“Bro Brother, I finally found your Brother.”

Is she stuttering? If so, you should make it clear by doing this, "Bro-brother! I've finally found you, brother!"

She started running towards me, and she suddenly hugs me while crying.

Too many sudden things, try this: She took a single step forward, then another, before she broke into a run. As she comes within arms length, she jumps towards me. My shirt became wet as she pressed her tear-stained face against my chest.

“Brother doesn't leave me again like that (sniff) and how did you get that wound brother?”

"Brother, please don't leave me again like that," she said as she sniffled against my chest, "How did you get this wound, brother?"

I don't know who is this girl, but it appears to me that he is mistaken me as her brother. So, I touch his shoulders and push her away from me and I directly looked into her eyes.

“Um...... Miss, I think I am not the person you are looking for,”

I have no idea who this girl is, but it seems that she has mistaken me as her brother. So I touched her shoulders and pushed he away from me. As I directly looked into her eyes, I said, "Um... Miss, I don't think I'm the person you're looking for."

“What are you saying brother (sniff) you are my brother Koru,"

"What are you saying, brother?" she wiped her nose against the back of her hand as she tries to pull back the snot coming out of her nose, "You are my brother, Koru!"

Koru that is not my name what is this girl saying.

Koru is not my name. What is this girl saying?

“Miss my name is Kurayami Saito,”

Pfft. Sorry, Ai-chan could help it. Kurayami is like about the edgiest surname in existence. No offence to actual Kurayami. Anyway, it should be. "Miss, my name is Kurayami Saito."


Well, that's as much as Ai-chan has the time to edit for you for now. Ai-chan can't spend too much time as there's actually a job that needs to be delivered tomorrow morning and Ai-chan is nowhere near done. The rest of your snippet is okay, not totally bad, it's your first time, and it shows. But that's fine, you learn as you go along. However, you absolutely need to get rid of all the sniff thing. That shouldn't be there when you let people read it. It's fine if it's just you doing a draft, but change it into something descriptive of the situation. Ai-chan already gave you a couple examples up there. Use your creativity.

 

[Mighty]

Thanks Ai-chan for the advise.