Novel Idea what do you think about it?

[RetGod]

I had a novel Idea for a while now called "The Last Demon" and wrote also a few chapters for it already, but no idea if I should post it or not...


Here is the Prologue, what do you guys think is it worth it, or should I throw the idea out?

Spoiler: Prologue

Standing up a hill, a man can see a lot of people dancing and drinking near a crater that seemingly leads down endlessly.



The crater was not always there. Just an hour ago, there is a large gate guarded by the essence of a beautiful angel named Gabriel. Watching over the most hated species in the universe, the demons.



A demon was not always called like this. They are nothing but an old soul that cannot find peace after dying and is destined to roam in limbo forever.



The angel Gabriel, seeing this, came down to earth and like her brothers, gave the people a gift. She wanted to create a place for the doomed. That she called Hell the place where they could rest forever.



The main religion of this world, the church of the three archangels, hated this gift because it was not for the living but for the dead.



And so they declared Gabriel to be a fallen angel who fall on earth out of punishment and not because she came down herself.



Because of this, no one believed in her, and none of her brothers and sisters helped her out of fear no one would believe in them too.



Alone and without believers, she was not powerful enough to create a separate dimension for doomed souls.



So she had no choice but to sacrifice herself to achieve this goal. When this sacrifice was made, a magnificent gate arose, shielded by an essence of pure love for the doomed.



This essence called for these doomed souls, and when they walk through the gate, they fall into an eternal slumber.



Gabriel begged before her sacrifice, her brothers and sisters to protect these souls, even after she is no more. But no one listened.



Thus, a large number of followers of the old gods began to perform dark rituals to bind this old and powerful soul to their own bodies.



What this cult didn't know was that this process would corrupt them and their souls. So as a result, the corruption not only affected them but spread to other beings.



As a result, a new species, the monsters, were born. Animals, humanoids, and even plants were transformed into absurd monsters and began to roam this world.



Eventually, the church found the source of this corruption and called the used souls demons...



For three centuries, monsters ravaged the earth, and humans start to cry for their beloved archangels.



So to help his pure children, the archangel Michael granted a human baby the power of light, and so the first hero was born.



This hero gathered allies from all over the world. From beast-kin to elves, they all found a place by his side. The people loved him like a saint and he got all the riches and women he desired.



When the right time came, he called his allies, and with the aid of the church, he gathered an army never seen before.



In their journey to the gate of Hell, they killed every monster and non-believer they encountered.



Arriving at the place they believed was the root of all this evil, a war began between the countless monsters gathered by the gate for some reason and the humanoids led by the hero.



When Michael saw that the humans were losing ground, he granted the hero the power to destroy even an angel...



When the hero noticed this, he swung his sword down and pointed at the gate. Then a light ripped the sky apart and struck the gate. Humans, monsters, everything was destroyed around it.



Only the hero, his allies, and some lucky bastards who were not near the gate survived this attack.



Countless souls burned that day...


What the hero didn't know was that a demon had escaped this genocide too.



This demon is called Rasiel.



When the light was about to strike down the gate, he was suddenly awakened by a voice and he escaped out of hell, as nothing more than black smoke.



While flying over the now destroyed battlefield, he finds a half-burned human male lying on the ground breathing his last breath.



When the man finally closes his only remaining eye, he appears in a black void and suddenly a voice rings out in this space.



"You probably know this but you died a moment ago."



The dead warrior is startled at first, but after a while, he calms down and says, "Yes, I know this... but why am I here? Did a demon steal my soul?"



Hearing a chuckle from the void, he waits nervously for an answer.



"No, after we are done here, your soul is free to go to your last resting place. I only want one thing from you."



Hearing these words, the warrior relaxes and asks, "And what do you want from me?"



As the void grows darker, the voice continues to speak.



"It's easy, I want your body, and if you grant me this, I will also grant you one last wish."



Thinking about this, the dead warrior finally gives his answer. "I accept your offer since I'm already dead, so I have no use for this body anymore."



A light starts to spread through the void, and the voice asks, "Then tell me, what wish do you want to get fulfilled?"



"I wish..."


Opening his eyes, Rasiel finds himself in the same place where the warrior died. He has no wounds or clothes on his body.



So with just a snap of his fingers, black smoke emits from him, and he vanishes. Only to appear dressed in plain clothes on the hill above the battleground.



He watches down on the hundreds of people dancing and drinking next to the crater he knows so well. Celebrating their victory over the most evil race in this world.



"Celebrate for now, you fools. When I'm finished, everyone will see the truth hidden in front of your eyes."



With these words, the last demon on earth vanishes from the spot.

 

[melchi]

IDK, it is hard to look past the grammar problems.

 

[TheEldritchGod]

Your formatting is pain.

Okay. START.

 

[Missivist]

I read it through. The grammar isn't so bad, although the writing for this part is very compressed and wasn't the easiest to read, overall. It left me confused, but never mind. That's at least partly just me.

However, this is just the backstory: the (tragic and confusing) events that shape the characters and the world in which they live. The only line that tells me your idea for the story going forward is, "When I'm finished, everyone will see the truth hidden in front of your eyes." So, a revenge story about a demon who may not really be a demon (he talks pretty demonic here) against a lot of confused people (seems to be everybody) in a world that seems unfair?

Too edgy for me. I guess it could be a vehicle for lots of action scenes, if you can focus on that for story progression. But I'm not sure where it was going, as I say.

 

[TheEldritchGod]

AND TIME

Spoiler: REWRITE WITH ChatGPT

From atop a hill, a man's gaze swept over the scene below, revealing a multitude of people engaged in lively dancing and revelry near a vast and seemingly bottomless crater. The crater had not existed until merely an hour ago, replacing what was once a grand gate. This gate had been guarded by the ethereal presence of a beautiful angel known as Gabriel. Gabriel's sacred duty was to oversee the demons, a species widely despised across the universe. However, the term "demon" was not always attributed to them. In truth, they were nothing more than ancient souls trapped in a state of eternal unrest, unable to find peace after death and condemned to wander in the realm of limbo indefinitely.

Upon witnessing the scene, the angel Gabriel descended to Earth, following in the footsteps of her celestial brethren. Inspired by compassion, she sought to bestow a gift upon the people. Intending to create a place of solace for the tormented souls, she established what she called Hell—a realm where the doomed could find eternal rest. However, this benevolent act drew the ire of the dominant religion in that world, the Church of the Three Archangels. They despised this gift, considering it inappropriate as it was meant for the departed rather than the living. Consequently, they labeled Gabriel as a fallen angel, claiming her presence on Earth to be a form of punishment rather than her own choice. Due to these false accusations, people lost faith in Gabriel, and her celestial siblings refrained from offering their assistance, fearing they too would face disbelief and rejection.

Isolated and devoid of believers, Gabriel found herself lacking the necessary power to create a distinct dimension for the doomed souls. Left with no alternative, she made the ultimate sacrifice in order to accomplish her mission. As her sacrifice was completed, a grand gate materialized, guarded by a radiant essence embodying pure love for the tormented spirits. This essence beckoned to the lost souls, inviting them to pass through the gate and enter into an eternal slumber. Before her selfless act, Gabriel fervently pleaded with her celestial kin to safeguard these souls even after her own existence ceased to be. Regrettably, her plea fell upon deaf ears, and her siblings did not heed her call.

In response to Gabriel's absence, a faction of devoted followers of the old gods resorted to performing dark rituals in an attempt to bind her ancient and formidable soul to their own bodies. Unbeknownst to the cult, this process carried a corrupting influence that tainted not only their own souls but also extended its reach to other beings. Consequently, a new species emerged as a result: the monsters. Animals, humanoids, and even plants underwent grotesque transformations, becoming absurd and nightmarish creatures that roamed the world. Over time, the church discovered the origin of this corruption and attributed it to the souls that were being utilized, subsequently referring to them as demons.

During the span of three centuries, the earth endured the relentless devastation wrought by monstrous creatures. In response to the heartfelt pleas of humanity, the archangel Michael bestowed upon a human infant the gift of divine light, birthing the very first hero. This valiant champion assembled a diverse group of allies hailing from all corners of the world, including beast-kin and elves, who rallied to his cause. Revered by the people like a saint, he was granted immeasurable wealth and desired companionship. When the opportune moment arrived, he summoned his loyal allies and, in collaboration with the church, formed an unprecedented and formidable army.

Embarking on their arduous quest towards the gate of Hell, the hero and their allies engaged in relentless combat, slaying every monster and non-believer they encountered along the way. Upon reaching what they believed to be the epicenter of this malevolence, a fierce battle erupted between the vast horde of monsters gathered near the gate, seemingly drawn to it for unknown reasons, and the determined humanoids led by the hero. As the tide of the conflict turned against the humans, the archangel Michael, witnessing their struggle, bestowed upon the hero an extraordinary power capable of vanquishing even an angel...

As the hero became aware of the immense power bestowed upon him, he raised his sword high and directed it toward the gate. In a magnificent display, a blinding light tore through the heavens and crashed upon the gate with unstoppable force. The devastating impact annihilated everything in its vicinity—humans, monsters, and all that stood in its path. Only the hero, his steadfast allies, and a fortunate few who had managed to remain at a safe distance from the gate's epicenter survived the cataclysmic assault. On that fateful day, countless souls were consumed by the unforgiving flames of destruction.

Unbeknownst to the hero, a solitary demon named Rasiel managed to evade the genocide that unfolded. Startled from his slumber by an ethereal voice, Rasiel materialized as a formless black smoke and escaped from the depths of Hell. Soaring above the ravaged battlefield, he came across a gravely injured human male, his body charred and his life ebbing away. As the man's final breath left his body, he found himself engulfed in a boundless black void, and within this enigmatic space, a resounding voice echoed throughout.

"You probably know this but you died a moment ago."

The dead warrior is startled at first, but after a while, he calms down and says, "Yes, I know this... but why am I here? Did a demon steal my soul?" Hearing a chuckle from the void, he waits nervously for an answer.

"No, after we are done here, your soul is free to go to your last resting place. I only want one thing from you."

Hearing these words, the warrior relaxes and asks, "And what do you want from me?"

As the void grows darker, the voice continues to speak, "It's easy, I want your body, and if you grant me this, I will also grant you one last wish."

Thinking about this, the dead warrior finally gives his answer. "I accept your offer since I'm already dead, so I have no use for this body anymore."

A light starts to spread through the void, and the voice asks, "Then tell me, what wish do you want to get fulfilled?"

"I wish..."

As Rasiel's eyes opened, he discovered himself in the very location where the fallen warrior had breathed his last. Remarkably, there were no wounds or remnants of clothing on his body. With a mere snap of his fingers, wisps of black smoke emanated from him, causing him to vanish from that spot. In the blink of an eye, he reappeared, now clothed in simple garments, standing on the hill overlooking the battleground. From this vantage point, he observed the throngs of people below, engaged in jubilant festivities of dance and revelry near the familiar crater. They were celebrating their triumph over the most malevolent race in this world, oblivious to Rasiel's presence and the complex role he would soon come to play.

"Celebrate, for now, you fools. When I'm finished, everyone will see the truth hidden in front of your eyes."

With these words, the last demon on earth vanishes from the spot.

8 minutes total.

BTW, Did not have time to read it. hope it makes sense.

 

[Blue09o]

I got way too many idea that it hinders me from writing my current book
Anyway my new idea goes like this.

In a earth like world where magic exist on all human (only a little can utilize it tho and every one have different way to utilize it, similar to a quirk on mha) a middle school boy is infected with a incurable disease that's eating his magic and body from the inside out.

Because he is in a rather poor family he hides this from everyone else, until it all came falling down.

He collapse at school fainting while coughing blood, his friends, teachers and family came to the school while calling the ambulance.

In the hospital the family found out about the disease he is bearing they cried for hours until the doctor finally told them that there is a way to halt his disease.

The price is huge but they accepted anyway the boy is told to stay at the hospital until a cure can be found.

Fast forward 3 months the boy is laying in his hospital bed with blank eyes devoid of emotions, full of thought, what they not told his parent about this medicine is that it hurts to take it for some reason when it's injected with a needle it burns like flame, and when it's eaten with a pill it taste a thousand times as bitter as a lemon peel, he also have to take this medicine every month.

He also thought about the medicine bill that his family have to pay when he's out of the hospital, just for him they go out of their way to live like homeless eating the most bland yet notorious cheapest meal.

Fast forward to 5 month in the hospital he is laying in his hospital bed using a laptop, even when they have so much things to worry about his family still buy him a computer.

Apparently the school accept that he's gonna work his assignments using an online way by working on pages on Microsoft Excel and ect.

6 month in the hospital. It hurts, it hurts, it feels as if his life is only to bear this disease, he is walking though the hospital corridors and goes to the roof top contemplating whether he should end it all, if he does his family don't have to support his life, he think that a life that's about to end and is bound to end isn't worth supporting, just when he is about to jump a girl of the same age came and save him just in time.

They talked in the roof top, it turns out that the girl also have the same disease the boy still think that killing himself will be better to the whole family until the girl sing, the tune and melody of the girl singing captivate the boy, it soothe his mind and calming him, he then agrees to not commit kms and from then on they became friends

In the hospital bed the boy is thinking of something, for once that something is not something about death and the likes but about music, the music that the girl sing still linger in his head he is thinking of why does that singing captivates him and soothe his mind
it seems that he has found his life calling,
The boy remember that he have a violin in the past so he told his family to fix that violin and take it here

To be honest the prolonged still goes on but I have things to do in school rn
I forgot to type this but at that moment the girls sing multiple colorful lines appear out of thin air, in that moment the boy have awaken his magic

 

[Paul__Michaels]

I got way too many idea that it hinders me from writing my current book
Anyway my new idea goes like this.

In a earth like world where magic exist on all human (only a little can utilize it tho and every one have different way to utilize it, similar to a quirk on mha) a middle school boy is infected with a incurable disease that's eating his magic and body from the inside out.

Because he is in a rather poor family he hides this from everyone else, until it all came falling down.

He collapse at school fainting while coughing blood, his friends, teachers and family came to the school while calling the ambulance.

In the hospital the family found out about the disease he is bearing they cried for hours until the doctor finally told them that there is a way to halt his disease.

The price is huge but they accepted anyway the boy is told to stay at the hospital until a cure can be found.

Fast forward 3 months the boy is laying in his hospital bed with blank eyes devoid of emotions, full of thought, what they not told his parent about this medicine is that it hurts to take it for some reason when it's injected with a needle it burns like flame, and when it's eaten with a pill it taste a thousand times as bitter as a lemon peel, he also have to take this medicine every month.

He also thought about the medicine bill that his family have to pay when he's out of the hospital, just for him they go out of their way to live like homeless eating the most bland yet notorious cheapest meal.

Fast forward to 5 month in the hospital he is laying in his hospital bed using a laptop, even when they have so much things to worry about his family still buy him a computer.

Apparently the school accept that he's gonna work his assignments using an online way by working on pages on Microsoft Excel and ect.

6 month in the hospital. It hurts, it hurts, it feels as if his life is only to bear this disease, he is walking though the hospital corridors and goes to the roof top contemplating whether he should end it all, if he does his family don't have to support his life, he think that a life that's about to end and is bound to end isn't worth supporting, just when he is about to jump a girl of the same age came and save him just in time.

They talked in the roof top, it turns out that the girl also have the same disease the boy still think that killing himself will be better to the whole family until the girl sing, the tune and melody of the girl singing captivate the boy, it soothe his mind and calming him, he then agrees to not commit kms and from then on they became friends

In the hospital bed the boy is thinking of something, for once that something is not something about death and the likes but about music, the music that the girl sing still linger in his head he is thinking of why does that singing captivates him and soothe his mind
it seems that he has found his life calling,
The boy remember that he have a violin in the past so he told his family to fix that violin and take it here

To be honest the prolonged still goes on but I have things to do in school rn
I forgot to type this but at that moment the girls sing multiple colorful lines appear out of thin air, in that moment the boy have awaken his magic

Not a bad idea. But you would have to put in the time to understand how the MC feels during all those months. I wouldn't hand wave and time jump as hard as you have it written in the prolonged right now. It's hard to identify with the MC's struggles with this disease he has. And you would want to write out the lyrics of the melody the female patient sings on the roof of the hospital.

Ignore this comment if you were planning on going in-depth MC in the hospital.

 

[Blue09o]

Yeah I plan to do that, a chapter for one month the mc is in the hospital or a chapter for half a month in the hospital.

About the song im just thinking of copypasting something in the vocaloid music community, maybe rolling girl or self-harm-colourless. Wait no it should be something with a good carefree and soothing melody. I got it deep sea girl should do fine

 

[Missivist]

I got way too many idea that it hinders me from writing my current book
Anyway my new idea goes like this.
...
I forgot to type this but at that moment the girls sing multiple colorful lines appear out of thin air, in that moment the boy have awaken his magic

When the boy awakens his magic, does his disease continue? Otherwise it seems kind of limiting to the story potential. This prologue could be a standard backstory for a story of some kind, but I have no idea where the story would go after this. What is the idea, beyond a starting point for a weak character with newly discovered potential?

If the prologue is "Arc Zero", what is Arc One? And what about the girl? Does he transfer to a magic school to study, which fixes his (and her) medical condition? Does he use magic to work odd jobs (maybe very odd) to pay his medical bills? Does he go forth and hunt random monsters by day, growing stronger but still (for now) returning to the hospital at night? Does he magically slay the demons that (as they surprisingly discover) infected them to prevent them becoming too strong? Does he wither and die in his hospital bed, leaving the girl tragically alone until she follows him into isekai?

 

[3guanoff]

Mate, loved the first paragraph. Keep the dancing and drinking.

Spoiler: Then starting from this paragraph...

A demon was not always called like this. They are nothing but an old soul that cannot find peace after dying and is destined to roam in limbo forever.

... It does not flow with the description. You are talking about this crater and the here and now. Use that 100% before moving on to the past.

Spoiler: I would put this paragraph first.

He watches down on the hundreds of people dancing and drinking next to the crater he knows so well. Celebrating their victory over the most evil race in this world.

You need to change it a little.

E. g., 'they do not know that someone is watching them. Something is looking down, watching the hundreds of people dancing and drinking.'

So you describe the crater, the atmosphere, the mysterious someone watching them, and then you can reveal it slowly. Who is he, why is he, where will he go,...
That way, you build suspense.

Otherwise, good job mate!
Just keep at it and let the ideas flow.

 

[Blue09o]

When the boy awakens his magic, does his disease continue? Otherwise it seems kind of limiting to the story potential. This prologue could be a standard backstory for a story of some kind, but I have no idea where the story would go after this. What is the idea, beyond a starting point for a weak character with newly discovered potential?

If the prologue is "Arc Zero", what is Arc One? And what about the girl? Does he transfer to a magic school to study, which fixes his (and her) medical condition? Does he use magic to work odd jobs (maybe very odd) to pay his medical bills? Does he go forth and hunt random monsters by day, growing stronger but still (for now) returning to the hospital at night? Does he magically slay the demons that (as they surprisingly discover) infected them to prevent them becoming too strong? Does he wither and die in his hospital bed, leaving the girl tragically alone until she follows him into isekai?

The disease still continue even after he awaken his magic the arc zero is the prolouge the prolonged only consists the time where he is still in the hospital. Basically he stayed there for two or three years until finally a cure is found the cure is made from some weird things that can stabilize magic flow in the body (the composition is classified).
Because im obsessed with genderberder and crosdressing gendre the side effect of the cure is that the cure will change the body the way it desire as if the cure is a living being.

The first arc will be highschool arc.
In short because of debt and the likes he can't go to highschool (he can't pay the school bill) and is now currently trying to find a job
Because he only graduate middle school and shitty stamina because of the hospital times he can't get any job.
But his parent really really wanted him to go to a highschool.
Suddenly a man In black clothing came to him offering something, they go to a cafe to talk and it turns out the man is offering of a new opportunity, that opportunity is to go to a city that the organization the man makes and start a new life. Why? I don't know it's classified
The boy is interested but he can't accept without telling his family first.
So he tell his family, the man and his family talk they talk for hours, the man offered a house without any charges also offered to send the boy to a highschool in the city, why? I don't know, the family accept. They also have his older brother go to the city to help the boy in the new City.
In short the go with a train the train is filled with other people that is offered the same opportunity by a man with a black suit.
The train go through a tunnel when they end trough it suddenly there's a pretty big city in the side window of the train it's as if they just go through a portal to another world.

That's the gist of the first arc prolouge

The story will resolve around the boy's highschool life and drama and music
There will be a little action but just a little
As I said the novel will mostly resolve around a highschool life music and highschool drama with a hint of action and fantasy

I'm sure the story is disappointing to some people but I got this idea when im watching a project sekai story so it's about to have school aspects and music in it