New writer looking for feedback on first arc

[Cheekerant]

I usually write short stories, so this is my first time attempting something with chapters lol
The story's main premise about NPCs vs Players (from the NPC side) came up in my head while I was playing some random wave defense PVE game, and I just started from there
I'm just looking for feedback on what I did well and what I could improve on, because this story concept has taken root in my brain and I want to do good on it

This is the story:
War Game: Player Eliminated

If you don't want to waste time clicking a link to know what the story's about, the synopsis is down here

Spoiler: Synopsis

This war is nothing more than a game.

Or at least, it is for them. To the player, this is just a digital battlefield, a realm of godlike power where death is a temporary inconvenience and victory is an easy reward. But for the grunts on the other side, the NPCs fighting in the trenches, it is a brutal, life-or-death struggle.

Index is one of those grunts. A footsoldier drafted into a futile war, he and his squad are a "wave" of enemies sent to overwhelm the players. But as they survive wave after wave of impossible odds, their training breaks down, and they are forced to adapt, becoming a team of veterans who are dangerously smart in the eyes of their opponents.

Their defiance comes at a price.
The more they fight, the more the players rise in skill, and when a victory seems to be within reach, a new terror is unleashed:
veteran players whose skill, not stats, signals the end of all hope.

 

[JayMark]

I only read the synopsisand a few paragraphs of the first chapter because of time constraints and I have to write my own stuff, but I wilI add you to my reading list.


The good:

I like the way you write, very much my style.
You start with characters, a scene, action.
I didn't get an exposition dump in the first paragraph.
You take effort to show a scene without overly relying on narrative shortcuts.
I feel like you have control of your story from the get go.
I feel like it's very clear who is doing what, good job.

The Meh:

Lines like this are a prime example of character telling. "Not the face of someone afraid. Not the face of someone surprised.
The face of someone confident. Almost too confident."

When I see stuff like this while editing I put it down.
Granted this isn't terrible, just suboptimal. I've seen much much worse. It seems like you have the capacity for showing things, and if they are worth being shown you will find a way.

The Ugly:

Formating is clunky, not unreadable at all, but noticable. Work on your dialogue paragraph structure.
Please don't use colored font for the names. I get they are not traditional names and your readers will too.
Some paragraphs that need a space between them
Far too early to be hyping a Discord server.


The Depressing:

Sci-fi doesn't tend to do well here for some reason. Though I've seen exceptions. Also, writing originals is hard work. If you really enjoy it don't give up.
While I like the cover, it probably isn't going to attract much attention.

I think you have capability from what I've seen. Good luck out there. It's a struggle.

 

[Cheekerant]

I only read the synopsisand a few paragraphs of the first chapter because of time constraints and I have to write my own stuff, but I wilI add you to my reading list.


The good:

I like the way you write, very much my style.
You start with characters, a scene, action.
I didn't get an exposition dump in the first paragraph.
You take effort to show a scene without overly relying on narrative shortcuts.
I feel like you have control of your story from the get go.
I feel like it's very clear who is doing what, good job.

The Meh:

Lines like this are a prime example of character telling. "Not the face of someone afraid. Not the face of someone surprised.
The face of someone confident. Almost too confident."

When I see stuff like this while editing I put it down.
Granted this isn't terrible, just suboptimal. I've seen much much worse. It seems like you have the capacity for showing things, and if they are worth being shown you will find a way.

The Ugly:

Formating is clunky, not unreadable at all, but noticable. Work on your dialogue paragraph structure.
Please don't use colored font for the names. I get they are not traditional names and your readers will too.
Some paragraphs that need a space between them
Far too early to be hyping a Discord server.


The Depressing:

Sci-fi doesn't tend to do well here for some reason. Though I've seen exceptions. Also, writing originals is hard work. If you really enjoy it don't give up.
While I like the cover, it probably isn't going to attract much attention.

I think you have capability from what I've seen. Good luck out there. It's a struggle.

Thank you so much for the insights
My first chapter is probably the weakest lol
(yeah its early for a discord i just thought that was a thing people did here)

I really appreciate you spent the time to read my stuff
I dont know if itll be attracting enough for people to want to read it, but i like it so far and i want to write until the end of the story!
Ty