New writer here! Would love some story feedback!

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Dimwitted_Cloud_838

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Hello, fellow Scribble Hub users! I have posted the first chapter(s) - the chapter number will change depending on whether or not I post soon after creating this thread - of my sci-fi, litRPG, splatter-horror novel: Coded to Kill.

I would love some views for my story, as it is new, and I just wanna see how many people would be into the genre(s)/writing style I have chosen to incorporate in this piece of writing. Honestly, it would just be nice to get some feedback (whether positive or negative) on y'all's honest opinions of story genre/style or grammar or anything, just before I write too many chapters - just in case I want to update anything.

With that said, here's the link to the story page! Please read the description and content warning before proceeding with the story, as some elements of it (such as imagery and some topics dealt with) may be disturbing to some viewers.

Coded to Kill | Scribble Hub

Thank you!
 
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Humanistheart

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Dimwitted_Cloud_838 said:
I could agree that I did have my doubts when writing that line, but what can you expect from fantasy?
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Yeah, fair point. I think it works more than I originally realized. I retract my previous comment.

"Amateur scientist, Rowan Vale, had seen it all—every time sweet, metallic blood had landed on the glass in front of them and every time a body had slumped down in its chair. Punctured. Their stomach had churned with unalloyed disgust. Then the blaring alarm would ring in their ears, signalling time for them to collect the body."

I am wondering, who exactly are you are referring to here?

Also, I'm guessing you used AI to edit your grammar. I've nothing against it, but it tends to use "—" more liberally than I personally like to. Just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but I'd suggest doing a bit more of the edits yourself. Assuming I'm correct that you used it at all. My apologies if my guess is wrong.
 
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Dimwitted_Cloud_838

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Humanistheart said:
Yeah, fair point. I think it works more than I originally realized. I retract my previous comment.

"Amateur scientist, Rowan Vale, had seen it all—every time sweet, metallic blood had landed on the glass in front of them and every time a body had slumped down in its chair. Punctured. Their stomach had churned with unalloyed disgust. Then the blaring alarm would ring in their ears, signalling time for them to collect the body."

I am wondering, who exactly are you are referring to here?

Also, I'm guessing you used AI to edit your grammar. I've nothing against it, but it tends to use "—" more liberally than I personally like to. Just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but I'd suggest doing a bit more of the edits yourself. Assuming I'm correct that you used it at all. My apologies if my guess is wrong.
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I understand why you think I've used AI to edit my grammar (which I haven't). The truth is, I just really have a strange fondness of em-dashes—I use them almost constantly, because something about them appeals to me. Although, that may wear off soon, because I had the same liking for semi-colons a while ago. I'm not sure why I enjoy writing with them, really; I guess it's just a part of my writing style.


As for you question about reference, I understand that some of my writing style may not be entirely clear, as I still am a senior student.


But the reference in the passage, "Amateur scientist, Rowan Vale, had seen it all—every time sweet, metallic blood had landed on the glass in front of them and every time a body had slumped down in its chair. Punctured. Their stomach had churned with unalloyed disgust. Then the blaring alarm would ring in their ears, signalling time for them to collect the body." is Rowan, themself, which I understand may not be entirely clear due to them being non-binary, and the fact that I have added that into the same paragraph as the description of the scenery they have been exposed to (maybe? Is that what you were referring to?).


This is one of my first writing pieces, which I decided to write just for fun (but I kind of got more stuck-into than I would've liked), so it isn't the best, but I am trying.


Keep in mind that my response isn't personal, and just some answers to your queries based off my understanding of them!
CharlesEBrown said:
"Do you believe in life BEFORE Death?" ...
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That suggestion would work well, but the only problem is that the life after death suits the context of my story! If that was a suggestion though, thank you for it!
 
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Dimwitted_Cloud_838

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MaxD said:
What you mean?
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Okay, so here's some context for you:
Humanistheart said:
Just my opinion, so take it with a grain of salt, but I'd suggest doing a bit more of the edits yourself. Assuming I'm correct that you used it at all. My apologies if my guess is wrong.
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Humanistheart said not to take their suggestions with a grain of salt, so I said that my responses were not personal (aka. taken with a grain of salt--not literally) and I was just trying to give my answers to their queries, since I had a pretty lengthy answer in that response.

I guess adding that sentence may have been a bit paranoid, but it's pretty much just my social anxiety coming into play ?

Hope that clears something up for you!
 
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