New Story Release!

[Danja]

Meet the Parents

I would appreciate any feedback. ?

 

[DismaiNaim]

I don't know. I got about as far as the dad (?) pulling a knife on his son.

The intro is different, but it kinda works. I like how you drip-feed the setting with the formal clothes, etc.

A lot of the dialogue and interactions feel forced, like you want the characters to act this way but they don't really want to.

Just an idea, the "we're a Christian family" could be established earlier when they're getting to know her. Seems more appropriate if they're sitting down with the woman their son brought home, the dude (if he's going to pull a knife over her being a witch) needs to come out win that. "We're a god-fearing, witch-burning Christian family did my son mention that?" and then later on his reaction to her little magic trick might feel more natural.

 

[Danja]

I don't know. I got about as far as the dad (?) pulling a knife on his son.

The intro is different, but it kinda works. I like how you drip-feed the setting with the formal clothes, etc.

A lot of the dialogue and interactions feel forced, like you want the characters to act this way but they don't really want to.

Just an idea, the "we're a Christian family" could be established earlier when they're getting to know her. Seems more appropriate if they're sitting down with the woman their son brought home, the dude (if he's going to pull a knife over her being a witch) needs to come out win that. "We're a god-fearing, witch-burning Christian family did my son mention that?" and then later on his reaction to her little magic trick might feel more natural.

Tom wasn't thinking.

Most families don't advertise themselves as "witch burners" (especially not to an outsider like Ali). Tom added two plus two and came up with nineteen.

It's something akin to the person who lived next door to a serial killer saying, "He was such a nice guy."

Jack backed him into a corner (Tom didn't want to go back to work).
Tom lashed out. Jack called Tom out on his hypocrisy.

Maybe I could do something subtle like a large cross hanging on the wall (if you could call such a thing subtle).

I'm planning on binding my prequels into one collection once I get my story settled somewhat.

 

[Alski]

Do christians really still believe in witch burning in the modern era? Or is it setting specific and we are missing more details?

 

[Danja]

Do christians really still believe in witch burning in the modern era? Or is it setting specific and we are missing more details?

Religious differences exist within families (some people are more hardcore than others).

I know I'm not on the same page theologically as my dyed-in-the-wool, rock-ribbed Conservative Southern Baptist mother.

It could do with a few more details.

 

[Alski]

Religious differences exist within families (some people are more hardcore than others).

I know I'm not on the same page theologically as my dyed-in-the-wool, rock-ribbed Conservative Southern Baptist mother.

It could do with a few more details.

that's not what I asked.

 

[StoneInky]

Meet the Parents

I would appreciate any feedback. ?

Your zero work on the synopsis immediately put me off. You didn't even try to make it interesting. And what is the story about? Who knows. But you need to tell this to your readers in the synopsis—that's what it's for.

Then I read the story.

First of all, you need more descriptions. Every sentence is simple, minimalistic, and offers little to imagine. Even if you're aiming for a more simple, childish prose, use lots of different sentences to make it feel realistic;

Tom pulled a folding hunting knife out of his back pocket and opened the blade.
-->

Tom's eyes widened. He quickly shoved his hands into his back pocket. From there, he pulled out a folding knife and opened the blade, trembling.

And are there actual witches? Is she a witch or not? I'm confused.

I have no idea what the story is about. This continues later in the story, where we get this jumble of dialogue, and even that is confusing. Worse, I'm not invested in the characters at all. Because you need descriptions. And hints. And explanations in the synopsis who is the protagonist, and what is the story going to focus on.

My conclusion: It's too simple, has too little context, and needs work.

 

[Danja]

Your zero work on the synopsis immediately put me off. You didn't even try to make it interesting. And what is the story about? Who knows. But you need to tell this to your readers in the synopsis—that's what it's for.

I don't like giving away too much of the plot in the synopsis.

 

[StoneInky]

I don't like giving away too much of the plot in the synopsis.

Who said give away plot? A synopsis isn't supposed to spoil anything. Just tell us the core ideas of your novel.

For example. Tell us it's a story about a protagonist who happens to be a witch, interacting with a very Christian family. This is all stuff that is happening in Chapter 1, and spoils nothing, but also tells the reader; this story is going to focus on the witch's journey. It's going to be about her, in a not-witch-friendly environment. It gives us the vibe.

Right now, I have no idea who the protagonist even is. I am confused what kind of story you are trying to tell.

 

[CharlesEBrown]

tellI don't like giving away too much of the plot in the synopsis.

You need to try to sell the story in the synopsis, not to give it away, nor to just trumpet your own horn. Just use an example to try and sell it.