Just read three of your chapters, again, a speed read, not because of a random read, but it's because I read very fast.
First of all, as usual, let's begin with the title.
Search of Tempest. Not bad.
Second, genre: Now that's a lot, but congratulations, you nailed most of them. Since there are only three chapters so I won't be commenting about the rest.
Third, Synopsis.
Not bad. It fits the contents you've wrote. Except the
tempest.
Fourth, the contents:
Chapter 0: ”Welcome to My World” (Introduction) - Information feeding.
Chapter 1: ”Arrival” - Wow, you nailed the mystery plot.
Chapter 2: ”Fate in hands” - I was rather confused with the Point of View (POV). It seems you switched into Third-Person Perspective in a part of the story, then switched back.
Whenever you switch into different POV, make sure you make the line is clearly visible so people can refresh their state of mine to adapt and dwell into your story.
Instead of,
----
You could use,
Now then, the most important feedbacks. You have minor issues with Chapter 1 and onwards, and I would specifically make a remark of...
...Chapter 0.
Dude, you killed it. At the very least, you killed me, the
reader, right off the bat.
Oh, hey there. My name's Tyson, just a regular sixteen-year-old kid... or at least, I wish I was.
So, before we dive any deeper, let me give you a quick crash course on the world we live in—because it's kind of a big deal.
There are five nations that make up our world: Astral, Solterra, Azuren, Veloria, and Lunaris. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? They're not just names, though—they're entire ecosystems of power, culture, and, of course, conflict. Each one has its quirks, its strengths, and, let's be honest, its fair share of skeletons in the closet.
It felt like my brain is going to explode from the overload of information. That's not a novel, it's a guidebook.
You are giving me a tour at all five worlds + the familia and it's organisation, and how OP they were.
Who cares about those things, man?
Worse of all, it's so freaking long. Once again, my brain exploded.
You also put too many
fillers. And what are
fillers? It's something that wouldn't affect the story, even if they were removed.
Let's take these two line for example:
So, before we dive any deeper, let me give you a quick crash course on the world we live in—because it's kind of a big deal.
Let me give you a course on the world I live in.
There are five nations that make up our world: Astral, Solterra, Azuren, Veloria, and Lunaris. Sounds fancy, doesn't it? They're not just names, though—they're entire ecosystems of power, culture, and, of course, conflict. Each one has its quirks, its strengths, and, let's be honest, its fair share of skeletons in the closet.
There are five nations that make up my world: Astral, Solterra, Azuren, Veloria, and Lunaris.
Now, let's compare the top one and the bottom one.
What difference does it make? None. The parts that I removed caused no affect to the storyline, at all. But instead, I make things clear and easy to read.
Let's move on.
Familia.
Now, you might be wondering, "What exactly is a Familia?" Well, it's not what you think. It's not some underground criminal organization or a cult of power-hungry individuals. Familias are spread across all five nations, quietly providing services that the governments can't—or won't—offer. They're there when things get messy, when people need help that the law can't give them, or when the balance of power shifts in ways that threaten the very fabric of society.
A Familia isn't just an organization—it's a network. A secret web of influence, operating beyond the reach of regular authorities, pulling strings behind the scenes. They're the ones who get things done when everyone else hesitates and has restrictions.
The Scavengers were ready to face the Sun Familia with a force of fifteen thousand soldiers. Fifteen thousand men, armed to the teeth, trained for battle, and ready to crush any opposition. And when they came to the Scavenger's base, it seemed like a sure thing.
But here's the catch—the Sun Familia didn't have an army. Not one. It wasn't a group of soldiers—it was a family, a collection of highly skilled individuals with specialized talents. And when the time came, only two figures walked into the Scavenger's den.
Two.
Just two.
James Jackson, the Boss of the Familia, and Victor Vincent, the Executor.
They didn't have backup, they didn't have an army—they had nothing but their skills their guns and each other. But that was enough. In the most legendary battle the world had ever seen, the two of them took down the entire Scavenger army.
This.
This shit is the best part.
You took the best part and dump it all right at the bottom of Chapter zero? I'm impressed.
That's not how you do it with the best OP shit.
Since you have a Third-Person POV, you could've put these two right at the start. A scene where these two massacre the entire Scavenger army.
Below this line is just a suggestion, whether to heed the advice or not is entirely up to you.
First of all, your work is good, but it could be better. Remember the minor issues at Chapter 1 & 2? It's caused by Chapter 0 because of the 'mass information feeding'.
Now then, what you can do after the feedbacks.
Demolish Chapter 0.
You are going to take whatever you wrote in Chapter 0, and spoon-feed them little by little by mixing it into Chapter 1 and onwards.
Personally, I would start with
James Jackson, the Boss of the Familia, and
Victor Vincent, the Executor, the scene where they destroyed the Scavengers army.
You are going to write how they fought till how they almost died, and the scene ends. Then you go straight to your protagonist, and introduce your current country and location.
Secondly, your protagonist's POV.
I saw the tag: Genius/Clever/Lazy protagonist.
Abandoning her sister? Getting yelled by a 13 year old Alex to make him remember the importance of family? Are you sure he's a genius?
More like Alex is the genius here. (Not sure about the age, but it seems Tyson's not 16.)
Go do something about your hopeless and pathetic Tyson.
Lastly, Tempest.
What is Tempest? Work it out. If not, think twice.
If things go well with Alex, introduce him. And introduce Familia and it's organisation. Remember, 'spoon-feed', not 'mass-feed'.
