Need some feedback pleaseeee!!!

[jinx13860]

hey! so I just started to write my novel "Meet me in the Afterglow" on here and I desperately need some feedback and constructive criticism about it.... thanks in advance <3

 

[Humanistheart]

You might want to link it here, for ease of access.

 

[Worthy39]

hey! so I just started to write my novel "Meet me in the Afterglow" on here and I desperately need some feedback and constructive criticism about it.... thanks in advance <3

I found your story, and I'll acknowledge that English isn't your first language, and I won't judge your grammar or spelling, but I do think it would help if you had someone else to help you write a bit more clearly, as there were several parts I found hard to read. Your premise isn't all that original, but if you have a good plan for it, it could still definitely be a strong book that gets a solid following. It seems like a classic story about grief and letting go, at least on the surface. My biggest recommendations are to add descriptions to character appearances, maybe a seen where Aaron looks in a mirror, too. So we know what Aaron looks like. Another one would be to clean up the first chapter. You said Aaron was facing the front door, and yet when the police arrived, the shooter went upstairs? I could understand him doing that for a tactical advantage, but you almost made it sound like the police were somehow already upstairs. And realistically, I hate to be this type of person, but there's no reasonable way to convince me to go upstairs when a man with a gun is already up there, especially when the police are already on the scene and engaged with the shooter. Aaron's death feels a bit pointless, and I think if you changed that a bit, it would be easier to feel sorry for his friends and family.