Need some eyes for a new story

[Niro972]

Would appreciate your feedback in any kind of shape or form:

The Game Bell: Recess Survival Guide

Every day at 11:30, one of the teachers turns into a monster. And the students run for their lives. Lisa Bell thought transferring schools in the middle of the year would be awkward, but nothing could have prepared her for this. The quiet students. The strange looks. The clocks everyone keeps...

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[Axiweave]

I decided to just review your chapter 1, here’s my Feedback.

Good Feedback:

I like it, the premise feels original. The creative aspect is excellent, and the characters have their own detail.
The buildup is smooth and descriptive. Although it doesn’t feel realistic or modern day and more like something out of a drama (although to be fair, it doesn’t seem like that’s what you’re going for so it’s my preference), the dialogue is natural. And it’s just generally interesting to read.

Criticism:

In my personal opinion sentence cut offs are used to much. There are too many single sentences that could become its own little mini paragraph during narration.



For example:

“But today… today felt like something else.

Everyone kept checking the clock.

Everyone except her.

And Mr. Calder… God, what was wrong with Mr. Calder?

His voice had started skipping like a broken record.

She looked down at her notebook.”

It could become more like:

“But today… today felt like something else. Everyone kept checking the clock. Everyone except her. And Mr. Calder… God, what was wrong with Mr. Calder? His voice had started skipping like a broken record. She looked down at her notebook.”



Also, the sentence cut offs feel too abrupt. Something like; “Everyone kept checking the clock. Everyone except her.”

it could become something more like; “Everyone kept checking the clock, everyone except her.”

Although to be fair, your version is more thematic. If you’re really leaning into the drama, or if this is just your personal writing style, then the cut offs are fine. It might be a bit jarring for readers though.

Honestly, great stuff!

 

[Cananga]

I want to say that some sentences can be combined but it's already covered by other comment.

I personally think that the characters introduction could be gentler. The readers did not know any of the characters yet and being bombarded by many names in first chapters felt a little bit confusing. Especially the point of view switch during the characters introduction felt rather jarring to me. At one point I thought we were in Mia POV before I realized that it still Lisa POV though she somehow heard what were being whispered by Mia and Daryl (third person omniscient huh)

Overall it start off strong and the premise piqued some curiousity. Nothing can be said further because there still not many things to comment on.

 

[Humanistheart]

I like the cover art. But looking at your synopsis:

"
Lisa Bell thought transferring schools in the middle of the year would be awkward, but nothing could have prepared her for this. The quiet students. The strange looks. The clocks everyone keeps checking. And the unspoken rule no one will explain.

Then the bell rings. And everything goes to hell.

Now Lisa is caught in the Game. A brutal daily survival ritual where one teacher transforms into something inhuman, and the students must escape before the next bell. Some fight back. Some map the halls. Some just try to make it to the end of the period."

Why is it not awkward? I'm not sure how that tracks, but I'm also confused. Is something happening between periods? The title says recess, but I'm not getting that from this. Maybe it's just me. Sorry, I'm not likely to check it out if the synopsis confuses me.