Need help with grammar

[M.G.Driver]

I'm not a native English speaker and writer - I never did well in grammar and shit like that. I write like how I think and that usually turns out terrible.

I recently received a feedback from a review swap on Royal Road, but his explanation is not entirely clear to me. My stupid self can't really grasp what is he saying, though I know what he is saying.

Sure thing! It's a pretty consistent thing throughout your writing, and honestly it took me a little bit to really narrow down on what the issue was because at first it was just a feeling I got from the language. But here's an example from Ch. 8 that could help explain it:

Uncle Dawn had been fiddling with the box long before Ceres met him; in fact, the majority of the equipment and books that the workshop had in stock were pertaining to attempts for cracking the box.

Here you can see it. Why do you use "were pertaining" instead of just "pertained"? Then there's the use of "attempts for cracking" instead of "attempts to crack."

In effect, you're overusing the "to be" verb and its conjugations, cluttering up your language. I think it's understandable; after all, you start the sentence in past perfect tense ("Uncle Dawn had been fiddling"), and here "been fiddling" is a good use of the "to be" conjugation "been." But once you use the semicolon, the tense should shift to past tense, since the description of the equipment and books is one which applies to the story's present time. The "to be" conjugations getting carried over give the sense that you are still in past perfect, even though you aren't, and that kind of thing can make the language read stilted, clunky, etc. So, instead of "were pertaining to attempts for cracking the box," you could say "the majority of the equipment and books that the workshop had in stock pertained to attempts to crack the box."

This is just one example (again, it seems like a consistent thing from what I read, not just one or two specific parts), but I hope that makes sense. So, for specific feedback, I would say you should try to avoid "to be" verbs unless you really need them. Doing this not only helps avoid this kind of tense confusion, it also makes your language more active in general.

I kinda of get it, but I don't either. If anyone can show me an example of a bad sentence + the corrected one, I think I might be able to drill it into my head much more. Thanks again for anyone who replies.

If you try to use the same words/language that he did, most likely it won't get through to me either, so examples would help a lot more. I don't really get what is wrong with a "to be" verb, and I'm not clear on why it would make it sound stilted. I tried reading it out loud a few times and it sounds like how people around me would speak normally - so I guess i got fucked by my society.

 

[miyoga]

Ah, I think I've got how to explain it. What you've written was in the past continuous (that "were pertaining" bit) which gives it a weird feel in this situation. It's almost like you're saying that the action being discussed happened entirely in the past, but it's still going on at the same time. The next thing that they mentioned in the review was "attempts for cracking", which uses that "-ing" ending. Words with -ing are always active, so the thing is still happening (think of how new stores always put up "now hiring" signs, the shop is actively looking for people to work there).

If I was going to make a suggestion, think of when the event occurred. If it was in the past, then "-ed". If in the present, then something like what you've got with "attempts" works. If something is still happening, then add the -ing. This basically simplifies a lot of what the review says about the grammar.

 

[M.G.Driver]

That actually made sense to me - thanks for the simplifcation!

 

[miyoga]

The one thing I forgot is "to be" verbs like "to crack", these can take place at any time and therefore don't really fit in the past, present, or future, and they're not really happening now. In short, the action just simply "is" or exists (think Shakespeare's "To be, or not to be", it would literally translate into the modern meme of "is this for real?").

 

[melchi]

I would just make the same suggestion as the guy who did the review swap. Try to use other verbs more and "to be" less.

There was a pile of tools that pertained to the fixing of star ships.

Vs.

Star ship repair tools

Some of it is just sentence structure, the important bits should be the most noticeable.

A box full of books about hyperdrives.
Vs
Hyperdrive book collection.

 

[RepresentingCaution]

I recommend sentence diagrams. There's more to it than this, but here's how to get started:

 

[Kenjona]

Here are other takes on your writing.

From me:
You are writing your sentences too long and it is a lot more work for the reader to parse through it. If they have to stop and figure out what you are writing, then that takes them out of the story. Interrupting the flow of the story for them.

From my wife:
Had my wife read it also <She is my proofreader and occasional editor>, and she makes the point that your writing style sounds formal rather than casual. It is not wrong, if that is the style of writing you are going for.

Back to me:
After rereading and considering her input. That might be why it feels too long of a sentence and pulls me out of it part way through, just too make sure I am getting what you are trying to say.

So for me:
Uncle Dawn had been fiddling with the box long before Ceres met him; in fact, the majority of the equipment and books in the workshop were related to cracking the box.
or
Uncle Dawn had been fiddling with the box long before Ceres met him. In fact, the majority of the equipment and books in the workshop were related to cracking the box.

I think the above would have given enough information, without having to stop and think about the sentence part way through. Sometimes to much detail is worse than to little detail.

 

[M.G.Driver]

Here are other takes on your writing.

From me:
You are writing your sentences too long and it is a lot more work for the reader to parse through it. If they have to stop and figure out what you are writing, then that takes them out of the story. Interrupting the flow of the story for them.

From my wife:
Had my wife read it also <She is my proofreader and occasional editor>, and she makes the point that your writing style sounds formal rather than casual. It is not wrong, if that is the style of writing you are going for.

Back to me:
After rereading and considering her input. That might be why it feels too long of a sentence and pulls me out of it part way through, just too make sure I am getting what you are trying to say.

So for me:
Uncle Dawn had been fiddling with the box long before Ceres met him; in fact, the majority of the equipment and books in the workshop were related to cracking the box.
or
Uncle Dawn had been fiddling with the box long before Ceres met him. In fact, the majority of the equipment and books in the workshop were related to cracking the box.

I think the above would have given enough information, without having to stop and think about the sentence part way through. Sometimes to much detail is worse than to little detail.

Thanks for the great feedback - I agree with what you've said. I'm too used to writing about tech stuff that it doesn't flow well enough in a story form.

I think you nailed my main problem - I write exactly like how I talk, and I talk 50% fluff. I do really need to cut down on fluff, thanks again.

I would just make the same suggestion as the guy who did the review swap. Try to use other verbs more and "to be" less.

There was a pile of tools that pertained to the fixing of star ships.

Vs.

Star ship repair tools

Some of it is just sentence structure, the important bits should be the most noticeable.

A box full of books about hyperdrives.
Vs
Hyperdrive book collection.

Agree, I need to be way more concise.