Need feedback only on this chapter 1

[Avarice_Of_The_Seven]

Hey there! I'm back once again to ask for feedback on my first chapter, but what's different this time is that it isn't a draft; it's a fixed first chapter I've finally decided on.

What I want as feedback is simple,

1) Rate it, out of 10.
2) Tell me your general impression of the chapter. Like; Which part felt boring, which part was good, etc.


******************
Daniel scrolled to the final panel of the web comic as the bus rattled along the evening road.

===========

The hero stood battered and bruised, sword trembling in his grip. His companions lay scattered behind him. Across the ruined battlefield, the Demon King remained upright by sheer will alone, his dark aura distorting the air around him.

“Holy Sword: Heavenly Strike!”

The blade shone with blinding radiance as the hero swung with everything he had left.

Golden light swallowed the battlefield whole. When it faded, the Demon King was gone. Not even ashes remained.

The hero collapsed to his knees, a faint smile resting on his bloodstained face as his consciousness slipped away.

Thus, eternal peace was achieved.

===========

‘How typical. Such a waste of my time.’

Daniel turned off the screen and slipped his phone back into his pocket. Turning his head, he looked outside the window.

The whole landscape was bathed in the warm, amber glow of the setting sun, with everything basking in its final, lingering rays as the bus crawled through the city streets. Daniel’s reflection stared back at him expressionlessly through the glass, faint and blurred by the motion of passing lights.
The bus came to a stop. The doors opened with a hiss, and several new passengers stepped inside. Daniel kept his gaze fixed on the window.

“Uh… Daniel, right?” A young man’s voice suddenly addressed him.

Turning towards the speaker, he saw a man around his age standing nearby with an awkward smile.

“Do I know you?” Daniel asked.

“Umm… Maybe?” The young man’s smile turned more awkward. “We worked at the same company until six months ago. I left after you joined the new department. Mind if I sit?”

“Sure,” Daniel replied flatly.

The young man took the seat beside him. His shoulders relaxed once he settled in, and his awkward smile slowly faded. He turned towards Daniel.

“You heading home after work, Daniel?”

Daniel only nodded in return. The young man’s casual expression slowly began to twist.

“After I resigned, I’ve… been going to auditions. A lot of them. Different places, different judges. Truth is, I’ve always wanted to become a singer. Someone whose songs can reach people, you know? But no matter how much I try, I just… keep getting rejected.”

His hands clenched slightly on his knees.

“I practice every day. I barely take breaks anymore. I thought if I just worked harder, it would eventually pay off. B-but I keep failing… every audition. Today, too… I failed. But I’m trying my best! I… I-I'm working as hard as I can!”

The young man’s eyes grew damp as he clenched his teeth in frustration. Daniel watched him without interruption.

“You’re doing your best,” Daniel said calmly.

‘And your best just isn’t enough. Effort by itself is worthless.’

The young man let out a slow breath as he rubbed his moist eyes. Then, turning towards Daniel, the young man flashed a forced smile.

“Yeah. I guess so. Maybe I just need more time. Anyway, sorry for dumping that on you. It’s been building up. And… thanks.”

For a few moments, both of them remained silent, the only sound that could be heard was the low hum of the bus engine and the occasional horns of the cars passing by. The young man spoke, breaking the silence.

“Enough about me. How have you been?”

Before Daniel could answer, the bus slowed again.

“Oh. This is my stop.”

The young man stood up quickly.

“It was good seeing you, Daniel. Even if we never really talked much before. Take care.”

He stepped off the bus and disappeared into the crowd.

Daniel watched his back until it was swallowed by the moving bodies on the sidewalk. Then he turned back toward the window.

Traffic drifted along the roads in steady streams. People moved in clusters beneath streetlights that flickered to life one by one. The last trace of sunlight vanished beyond the horizon, replaced by scattered points of artificial light.

As he watched it all expressionlessly, he thought back to his conversation with the young man. And an idea he had repeated to himself several times came back to him once again.

‘The essence of this world is competition.’

Everyone was chasing something, be it man or beast. It was a constant struggle where they all competed against each other.

Some chased recognition, some chased wealth, some chased love, others chased dreams grand enough to define their existence.

‘But it doesn’t end there.’

Those who reach one goal immediately set their eyes on another. Those who fail try again. Those who succeed continue climbing higher.

The competition never ends.

‘In this endless struggle, effort means nothing by itself. Effort is common; it is expected. What matters is whether that effort produces results.’

Daniel exhaled quietly after continuing his thoughts for a while. He felt his eyelids getting heavy as he continued looking out of the window.

He rubbed his eyes and stifled a yawn.

‘It’s probably because I didn’t get much sleep yesterday.’

The rhythmic hum of the engine and the steady motion of the bus blurred the world outside into streaks of light.

‘It’ll take a few hours for my stop, taking a quick nap wouldn’t hurt.’

He leaned back in his seat and closed his eyes.

Within moments, the noise of the bus faded into the background, and sleep claimed him.

***
After sleeping for an unknown amount of time, Daniel began to wake. His thoughts were still sluggish as he tried rubbing his eyes.

‘Uh?’

But as he tried to move his hand, something felt… off.

His body did not respond the way he expected, his limbs felt heavier than they should have been.

A faint frown touched his face.

‘Am I sick? But why?... Is it because I slept in an awkward posture?’

He had heard several times that sleeping in an awkward posture is bad for health, but only now did he begin to actually consider that advice.

Slowly, Daniel opened his eyes, but the view before him froze him. He could only stare.

The ceiling above him was unfamiliar.

It rose high overhead, far higher than any bus ceiling should. Smooth marble stretched outward in flawless symmetry. Intricate patterns had been carved into its surface with meticulous precision. At the center hung a crystal chandelier that cast a soft, dim glow across the room.

The light shimmered against polished surfaces that reflected it gently.

A ceiling so grand that it was hard to believe that it could belong to any building in reality. In fact, Daniel hadn’t seen something quite like it even in fiction.

‘...What?’

******************



Side Note: After struggling with the first chapter for so long, I decided to solve the problem differently. I began planning out my story further. Before I had only planned out the first phase properly, the rest was vague, with only a general flow in mind, and I had decided on an ending that I could potentially change if I wanted to.

Now, I have almost my entire story mapped out from start to finish, so I can be more confident in the events of the first chapter as well as the male protagonist's supposed reincarnation.

That is why this first chapter is no longer a draft, but a version that I can't really change much.

On another note, I feel that this story feedback part of the forums is so convenient. It lets me see the point of view of someone else who isn't me, and tells me how my chapter looks in the eyes of a cold reader. Because the thing I find most irritating is not being able to properly critique my own chapter due to me being the author.

 

[Tabula_Rasa]

1) Rate it, out of 10.
2) Tell me your general impression of the chapter.

1) 6 to 7
2) OK, feel very lethargic.

 

[Parade]

Hi I saw you post and gave it a read. I would give
grammar 6/10
storyline 9/10
unique start 9/10
Sentence flow 4/10

overall 6.5/10
(This is my personal opinion and am not trying to be rude to your hard work in anyway)
Thoughts:
The hook was interesting of him read a generic story, the grammar was a bit rough though like chopped sentences though tha might’ve been your intention. The descriptions were good but felt like wrong order almost? For example on the setting sun you described it as
“The whole landscape was bathed in the warm, amber glow of the setting sun, with everything basking in its final, lingering rays as the bus crawled through the city streets”
You gave [view] [description] then [setting] I think maybe setting second would’ve worked better as an example:
Tucking my phone in my pocket I looked out the window, the sun was setting, giving everything a reddish but warm hue, casting long shadows over the city streets. The bus slowly rolling down the street, my face reflecting at me through the window.
I tried to give it view, setting then description.

and when Daniel met his old coworker introducing him to the readers it was a bit abruptish? Giving it more connection or buildup to that person saying hi, like an intercom “passengers boarding” you could also give an internal dialogue describing him and what he knew of him as well when he was talking give a little more flesh to his character and describing what you character looks like in turn.
I’m not sure what you storyline looks like so it could be too much or over informing when he’s gone later in the chapter.

this is my thoughts on that chapter 1 I hope it helps!

 

[L1aei]

Hey there! I'm back once again to ask for feedback on my first chapter, but what's different this time is that it isn't a draft; it's a fixed first chapter I've finally decided on.

What I want as feedback is simple,

1) Rate it, out of 10.

Rate it? You want me to tell you what I think. So... hehe... in that case, I'm not going to be a writer in this, but a reader. I'll be aggressive with you.

This is also only my opinion through a reading experience; it is how I felt while reading this chapter.

Alright, let's get this started. So... a 10 out of 10 opening chapter? That needs some things for readers. The first is always a hook. You've got to capture their curiosity. If you're not keeping me awake, well, I'm gonna doze off. Secondly, reveal that character. If I'm anchored to a placeholder, then what am I supposed to do with that? Hold it for you until something of interest does come along? If that's the case, why bother having a character, present a documentary on penguins or something. Thirdly, give us some drive. That forward momentum is greatly required if you want us to keep going somewhere.

Guess what? You did all three.

Yeah, but not continuously. There are parts where I am tempted to read faster or simply skip to see if there's something coming up. I'll point it out for you.

So that faux fantasy at the peak? It's a nice contrast, but it's perhaps the most generic possible option you could've put in that scene. Why? Because you didn't keep me interested. There was nothing like a parody or to subvert it; you just recreated the fantasy rather faithfully.

Um, okay. That bit of intrigue you're supposed to open with lasts seconds. You could probably do something about it easily by making it linger for a little longer, but give us something instead of waiting in the lobby for our turn to have some fun.

Like, lemme think here. Instead of inviting curiosity, we got recognition. That's perfectly functional, but people fall asleep behind the wheel too. We need tension.

Hope that helps.

So that's gonna cost you... not much. -0.5 points.

And I ain't done yet. That singer? The confession... alright, I get it. Very sincere. But once again there ain't any drama in there; very passive.


Wanna know what I mean?

So he vents, Daniel listens and starts up this internal judging, and then... leaves.

That's it.

No pushback, thinking or voicing any misunderstandings, or... fuck, there's no emotional consequences in this. It makes me almost wonder if it was filler.

If you can do something where this causes the characters to... I don't know. You know when something heated happens between a couple, and then the air they breathe is so damning that the need a moment to recover? That's just it, that exchange just fills it. I don't mean the departure, but that the resolution simply ends there. We absorbed that info but feel nothing about it.

Like I asked, was that filler?

Yeah, that get's ya a -0.5 for lacking an encounter and instead hosting an interview.

But not done yet. You have a point to get across and you did succeed. The next issue is that you kept hammering it in beyond necessity.

That monologue.

You got the points in of trying hard, keeps failing, practices daily, still failing, and he's still trying his best. We get it; persistence. Thing is, we don't need that point of the nail driven past the surface of our skulls or it will dull our senses.

Maybe if you had added some information? We got duration, but nothing more than that. So... yeah, if we already knew by the second time he's going all out, why keep reminding us of it?

That'll get you another -0.5 points.

Actually, now that my mind is on this, you did a big bad here. The philosophy.

You know that line "show, don't tell" deal? Instead of us receiving a demonstration of it, you stated the philosophy.

Here, Daniel's worldview is absolutely clear to us, but it comes right at us in what looks like a time block for a lecture. We got the competition, endless striving, and those meaningless efforts. Yes. Meaningless because, and those are not my words but yours; zero results. Plenty of effort from Daniel, but nothing to show for it.

What you did show from Daniel is not one, but several paragraphs of a thesis. That's a lecture. Of course, any tension you gave was without hook, and I'm gonna hit the snooze button when there's nothing to keep me excited for what happens next.

Going to give this another -0.5 for telling, not showing.

Actually, since we are on the topic of sleeping? The sleep. Now that was doing something to me that I could only compare with a running faucet when I have to take a leak real bad; it kept reminding me of exactly what you were describing in there. You had his eyelids get heavy, reminded us he didn't sleep yesterday, thinking about the background hum of an engine, those streaking lights, and of course making the decision to take a nap. I probably need a nap after this.

Don't get me wrong. That's functional. But remember what I said about that at the very beginning? None of it is progressing with me being eager to see what happens next. Instead, I'm reading this and waiting for the fella to wake the fuck up and move.

Get past the runway or put something in there that he notices or experiences prior to him passing out; that intrigue.

I'll probably have this be pointed at -0.25 because this is easily manageable.

Now that my mind has arrived here, his wake up? What's the deal with the checklist? You had a hook there; the ceiling. That delay on driving is like turning the key engine one, hearing the radio and seeing all the lights flicker, but then the engine stalls. And then you turn the key again.

Maybe you were teasing us? Explain that one.

I might remove this, but for now it'll be a -0.25 points.

Also, I will be absolutely transparent about this: nothing you wrote is bad. The quality is not a failure here. It's the pacing. You're taking the time to explain everything instead of letting us collide into this chapter and immerse ourselves. Like, we should feel something is happening, but instead we are understanding.

Yes, you've got quality here, plenty of clarity, and a fair bit of originality. So, since you asked for a score, which I absolutely hate giving out scores because I have to compare it with a benchmark and I, myself, find that unfair for new readers... okay.

7.5 out of 10.

Not a bad score... but I hate scoring. And none of what I said is a correct way to do things; I again repeat that this was how I felt. My opinion, my experience, reading your chapter.

Right now, you've got a chapter that's trying to hook us into driving, but then it coasts again and again over lanes of explaining everything, then you give us an idea, then that coasts across the lane once more on a snoozefest before reaching the final destination. Hook us, give us something to strain against over and over and over until we get that big payoff. Okay?

 

[Eldoria]

Okay

Dude, your review is probably equal to or longer than the chapter.

 

[L1aei]

Dude, your review is probably equal to or longer than the chapter.

 

[Makimaam]

Feedback? Alright. But let me ask.

How much of a masochist are you?

 

[Avarice_Of_The_Seven]

So, since you asked for a score, which I absolutely hate giving out scores because I have to compare it with a benchmark and I, myself, find that unfair for new readers... okay.

7.5 out of 10.

Not a bad score... but I hate scoring. And none of what I said is a correct way to do things; I again repeat that this was how I felt. My opinion, my experience, reading your chapter.

I usually ask for a score to know the overall impression the readers have of my chapter; I just want an external, biased opinion.

The thing is, I'm a non-native English author, and my English is at a very basic level. It's so bad that I sometimes need Google to help me describe things, even though the entire scene is in my mind.

So, I ask for the rating to know the overall impression.

Feedback? Alright. But let me ask.

How much of a masochist are you?

Well, you can be as harsh as you want. I won't really get triggered.

I would even prefer it if you were as harsh as you can be, cuz I'm asking for critique here, not praise.

 

[K_Nishi]

I can’t give this a numerical score. The reason is that this chapter functions as a statement of intent rather than something that can be properly evaluated as a story yet. The actual elements needed for fair assessment haven’t appeared.

At this point, what we can clearly see is that the protagonist is cynical, holds a worldview that dismisses effort unless it produces results, and that the story has entered the transition/transportation setup.
If you want concrete evaluation, I’d need to see either

① the first event where this worldview is directly challenged or punished, or
② a clear, tangible obstacle the protagonist immediately faces after the transition.

 

[L1aei]

I usually ask for a score to know the overall impression the readers have of my chapter; I just want an external, biased opinion.

The thing is, I'm a non-native English author, and my English is at a very basic level. It's so bad that I sometimes need Google to help me describe things, even though the entire scene is in my mind.

So, I ask for the rating to know the overall impression.

Yes but you have to keep in mind that those scores are biased. We are all comparing your novel to something different; in our minds, we have our own varied benchmarks based on what we experienced. And nobody has the same, identical experience. So us holding your novel up to whatever we have in mind? That's what each and every one of us is doing to see the differences and point them out. We can do that, but when it comes to rating, you're no longer asking for feedback but a grade as if you handed in homework. I hate that because now it feels like you're expecting us to check off wrong answers rather than responses on what could be better.

 

[Parade]

I usually ask for a score to know the overall impression the readers have of my chapter; I just want an external, biased opinion.

The thing is, I'm a non-native English author, and my English is at a very basic level. It's so bad that I sometimes need Google to help me describe things, even though the entire scene is in my mind.

So, I ask for the rating to know the overall impression.

Well, you can be as harsh as you want. I won't really get triggered.

I would even prefer it if you were as harsh as you can be, cuz I'm asking for critique here, not praise.

Rate it? You want me to tell you what I think. So... hehe... in that case, I'm not going to be a writer in this, but a reader. I'll be aggressive with you.

This is also only my opinion through a reading experience; it is how I felt while reading this chapter.

Alright, let's get this started. So... a 10 out of 10 opening chapter? That needs some things for readers. The first is always a hook. You've got to capture their curiosity. If you're not keeping me awake, well, I'm gonna doze off. Secondly, reveal that character. If I'm anchored to a placeholder, then what am I supposed to do with that? Hold it for you until something of interest does come along? If that's the case, why bother having a character, present a documentary on penguins or something. Thirdly, give us some drive. That forward momentum is greatly required if you want us to keep going somewhere.

Guess what? You did all three.

Yeah, but not continuously. There are parts where I am tempted to read faster or simply skip to see if there's something coming up. I'll point it out for you.

So that faux fantasy at the peak? It's a nice contrast, but it's perhaps the most generic possible option you could've put in that scene. Why? Because you didn't keep me interested. There was nothing like a parody or to subvert it; you just recreated the fantasy rather faithfully.

Um, okay. That bit of intrigue you're supposed to open with lasts seconds. You could probably do something about it easily by making it linger for a little longer, but give us something instead of waiting in the lobby for our turn to have some fun.

Like, lemme think here. Instead of inviting curiosity, we got recognition. That's perfectly functional, but people fall asleep behind the wheel too. We need tension.

Hope that helps.

So that's gonna cost you... not much. -0.5 points.

And I ain't done yet. That singer? The confession... alright, I get it. Very sincere. But once again there ain't any drama in there; very passive.


Wanna know what I mean?

So he vents, Daniel listens and starts up this internal judging, and then... leaves.

That's it.

No pushback, thinking or voicing any misunderstandings, or... fuck, there's no emotional consequences in this. It makes me almost wonder if it was filler.

If you can do something where this causes the characters to... I don't know. You know when something heated happens between a couple, and then the air they breathe is so damning that the need a moment to recover? That's just it, that exchange just fills it. I don't mean the departure, but that the resolution simply ends there. We absorbed that info but feel nothing about it.

Like I asked, was that filler?

Yeah, that get's ya a -0.5 for lacking an encounter and instead hosting an interview.

But not done yet. You have a point to get across and you did succeed. The next issue is that you kept hammering it in beyond necessity.

That monologue.

You got the points in of trying hard, keeps failing, practices daily, still failing, and he's still trying his best. We get it; persistence. Thing is, we don't need that point of the nail driven past the surface of our skulls or it will dull our senses.

Maybe if you had added some information? We got duration, but nothing more than that. So... yeah, if we already knew by the second time he's going all out, why keep reminding us of it?

That'll get you another -0.5 points.

Actually, now that my mind is on this, you did a big bad here. The philosophy.

You know that line "show, don't tell" deal? Instead of us receiving a demonstration of it, you stated the philosophy.

Here, Daniel's worldview is absolutely clear to us, but it comes right at us in what looks like a time block for a lecture. We got the competition, endless striving, and those meaningless efforts. Yes. Meaningless because, and those are not my words but yours; zero results. Plenty of effort from Daniel, but nothing to show for it.

What you did show from Daniel is not one, but several paragraphs of a thesis. That's a lecture. Of course, any tension you gave was without hook, and I'm gonna hit the snooze button when there's nothing to keep me excited for what happens next.

Going to give this another -0.5 for telling, not showing.

Actually, since we are on the topic of sleeping? The sleep. Now that was doing something to me that I could only compare with a running faucet when I have to take a leak real bad; it kept reminding me of exactly what you were describing in there. You had his eyelids get heavy, reminded us he didn't sleep yesterday, thinking about the background hum of an engine, those streaking lights, and of course making the decision to take a nap. I probably need a nap after this.

Don't get me wrong. That's functional. But remember what I said about that at the very beginning? None of it is progressing with me being eager to see what happens next. Instead, I'm reading this and waiting for the fella to wake the fuck up and move.

Get past the runway or put something in there that he notices or experiences prior to him passing out; that intrigue.

I'll probably have this be pointed at -0.25 because this is easily manageable.

Now that my mind has arrived here, his wake up? What's the deal with the checklist? You had a hook there; the ceiling. That delay on driving is like turning the key engine one, hearing the radio and seeing all the lights flicker, but then the engine stalls. And then you turn the key again.

Maybe you were teasing us? Explain that one.

I might remove this, but for now it'll be a -0.25 points.

Also, I will be absolutely transparent about this: nothing you wrote is bad. The quality is not a failure here. It's the pacing. You're taking the time to explain everything instead of letting us collide into this chapter and immerse ourselves. Like, we should feel something is happening, but instead we are understanding.

Yes, you've got quality here, plenty of clarity, and a fair bit of originality. So, since you asked for a score, which I absolutely hate giving out scores because I have to compare it with a benchmark and I, myself, find that unfair for new readers... okay.

7.5 out of 10.

Not a bad score... but I hate scoring. And none of what I said is a correct way to do things; I again repeat that this was how I felt. My opinion, my experience, reading your chapter.

Right now, you've got a chapter that's trying to hook us into driving, but then it coasts again and again over lanes of explaining everything, then you give us an idea, then that coasts across the lane once more on a snoozefest before reaching the final destination. Hook us, give us something to strain against over and over and over until we get that big payoff. Okay?

Wow that is some boxing combo read it love it, and completely agree with the pacing issue

 

[Avarice_Of_The_Seven]

Yes but you have to keep in mind that those scores are biased. We are all comparing your novel to something different; in our minds, we have our own varied benchmarks based on what we experienced. And nobody has the same, identical experience. So us holding your novel up to whatever we have in mind? That's what each and every one of us is doing to see the differences and point them out. We can do that, but when it comes to rating, you're no longer asking for feedback but a grade as if you handed in homework. I hate that because now it feels like you're expecting us to check off wrong answers rather than responses on what could be better.

I know that. I'm asking for a biased score. After all, everyone is stating their opinion, not facts.

 

[L1aei]

I know that. I'm asking for a biased score. After all, everyone is stating their opinion, not facts.

Thank you for understanding.

 

[Eldoria]

I know that. I'm asking for a biased score. After all, everyone is stating their opinion, not facts.

Here's my opinion. Asking for ratings isn't biased as long as you know what you're trying to measure in your narrative.

I've created two feedback threads with scale-based ratings. But I know what I'm measuring. I use ratings to gauge readers' perceived comprehension of the narrative provided.

I'm attempting to use a quantitative research approach to measure reader perception. This is valid as long as one understands the methodology and knows what the measurement aims to achieve.

My suggestion is that you might consult a quantitative research methodology book and design a simple experiment to measure the quality of your narrative.

Of course, this method isn't without its drawbacks, but that's beyond this discussion.

 

[Avarice_Of_The_Seven]

Here's my opinion. Asking for ratings isn't biased as long as you know what you're trying to measure in your narrative.

I've created two feedback threads with scale-based ratings. But I know what I'm measuring. I use ratings to gauge readers' perceived comprehension of the narrative provided.

I'm attempting to use a quantitative research approach to measure reader perception. This is valid as long as one understands the methodology and knows what the measurement aims to achieve.

My suggestion is that you might consult a quantitative research methodology book and design a simple experiment to measure the quality of your narrative.

Of course, this method isn't without its drawbacks, but that's beyond this discussion.

I ask for a rating to quantify the reader bias on their overall impression. After all, it would be very hard to compare vague opinions to obtain an overall impression.

It's kind of a habit I developed after preparing questionnaires for years. Quantified data are easier to analyze because they would otherwise be subject to barriers of communication if the opinion was only descriptively expressed.

 

[Makimaam]

Since you asked for it, let me put it bluntly.

I know you’re trying to paint Daniel as this jaded, cynical guy, but he comes across as extremely unlikeable—king of edge. A random dude, okay, sure, ex-colleague who Daniel doesn’t even remember just chooses to sit next to him, then cries and yaps? Let’s hope you have a twist up your sleeve where this dude is secretly a witch who cursed Daniel to this new world.

Assume it is the case, this scene in the opening? Weak.
His follow-up musing? Edge lord identified.
The prose? Let’s just say… “warm amber glow… the only sound that could be heard was the low hum of the bus engine and the occasional horns of the cars passing by…” I’ll be nice and just call it unoriginal.

The ending: he wakes up in a new world. Now, where have I seen that before? Ah yes, generic Isekai no. 150. Your character isn’t likeable or compelling enough for me to read more. Neither is the plot or lack thereof.

 

[K_Nishi]

I’ll just leave one final thought.
Try not to fall into perfectionism. Keep writing, and more importantly, finish what you start.
In my experience, there’s no other reliable way to improve writing skill or story structure.