Need feedback on story description

InfantryTerminator

Well-known member
Joined
Jul 9, 2021
Messages
70
Points
58
Treat this as if you were browsing through last updated and tell me what you think

Permafrost – LitRPG Sci-fi Fantasy on Ice

Terra, planet of eternal snow. Worlds collided and merged with each other, creating a bizarre world of never ending winter where magical schools are powered by nuclear reactors.

Anomalies, rifts leading to small worlds filled with monsters and treasures, various races trying their best to survive through science, magic, and system. Those are one of many attractions offered on surface, with many more lurking underneath.

Story follows Fang Li, an average looking young man with sharp tongue, charisma, and some lose screws. After dying during apocalypse, he woke up in middle of frozen wastelands with an irregular system. Not wanting to join any of the local guilds or corporations, he will hide under the radar to venture through the world to create his own heaven.

Genre: Action, Adventure, Comedy, Fantasy, Hare, Isekai, LitRPG, Romance, Sci-fi, Slice of life, Supernatural

Tags: Antihero Protagonist, Character Growth, Charismatic Protagonist, Cheats, Clever Protagonist, Confident Protagonist, Crafting, Demi-Humans, Dungeons, Grinding, Hiding True Ability, Jack of All Trades, Level System, Magic, Magical Technology, Male Protagonist, Modern Fantasy, Monster Society, Multiple Identities, Mutated Creatures, Overpowered Protagonist, Parallel Worlds, Polygamy, Skill Creation
 

SakeVision

Sama/kisama
Joined
Jul 30, 2021
Messages
1,013
Points
153
create his own heaven, means, he's looking for hot springs?
 

Cipiteca396

Monarch of Despair 🐉🌺🪽🌊🪶🌑🐦‍🔥🌈
Joined
Jun 6, 2021
Messages
2,700
Points
153
LitRPG Sci-fi Fantasy on Ice
The genres are listed already. Putting them in the title is... Unnecessary at best.
Terra, planet of eternal snow. Worlds collided and merged with each other, creating a bizarre world of never ending winter where magical schools are powered by nuclear reactors.
Schools? Dropped. (I'm not fond of school anime. :sweat_smile: If it isn't relevant to the plot, don't mention it here.)
Anomalies; rifts leading to small worlds filled with monsters and treasures, various races trying their best to survive through science, magic, and systems. Those are one of many attractions offered on the surface, with many more lurking underneath.
Grammar is off a little here. (Flaws in the synopsis, where you want to spend a lot of time getting it just right, mean the actual work will be littered with mistakes. Rather read one of the other two hundred books in my queue.)
The/This Story follows Fang Li, an average looking young man with a sharp tongue, charisma, and some loose screws. After dying during an/the apocalypse, he woke up in the middle of frozen wastelands with an irregular system. Not wanting to join any of the local guilds or corporations, he will hide under the radar to venture through the world to create his own heaven.
More grammar errors. Name isn't English, which isn't exactly a problem; it just implies that there's going to be a lot of tropes/characterizations from non-English media. The irregular system is two-faced; either it'll make people read until they find out what it is, or they'll assume it's something bad and drop. Just say what it is.
Genre: Action, Adventure, Comedy, Fantasy, Hare, Isekai, LitRPG, Romance, Sci-fi, Slice of life, Supernatural
At least it isn't fanfiction, I guess.
Tags: Antihero Protagonist, Character Growth, Charismatic Protagonist, Cheats, Clever Protagonist, Confident Protagonist, Crafting, Demi-Humans, Dungeons, Grinding, Hiding True Ability, Jack of All Trades, Level System, Magic, Magical Technology, Male Protagonist, Modern Fantasy, Monster Society, Multiple Identities, Mutated Creatures, Overpowered Protagonist, Parallel Worlds, Polygamy, Skill Creation
My impression here is something like the Death March anime. I kind of enjoyed that one at first, but I'm hesitant to read another. I probably wouldn't read this, but it should be popular? Maybe...
 

RepresentingCaution

Level 37 ? ? Pronouns: she/whore ♀
Joined
Apr 15, 2020
Messages
9,765
Points
233
I recommend adding a question or three to entice the reader. See my stories (links in signature) for an example, and please give me one-star ratings ?
 
Joined
Jul 12, 2021
Messages
91
Points
18
So, first, proofread your introduction and make sure you're using complete sentences. Your grammar and diction are currently so horrid, I wouldn't give your story a second glance. Second, don't just tell me what the protag is going to do. Make your world sound tantalizing and protag's circumstances compelling; you're trying to bait the reader with your intro, not give him an info-dump.
Rewrite your intro as a short creation story and add your protag at the end.
 
Last edited:
Top